Submissions needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Heidi sends first chapter for a Regency Romance, Her Endearing Young Charms. The rest of the narrative follows the break. Help the writer with your comments.
A few things bothered Lord Alexander Rochester about the Honourable Miss Merrybelle Hales' story of highway robbery. Quite a few, actually.
He watched her from across the crowded floor of Almack's, a hundred thoughts tumbling through his head, a billion emotions warring in his heart. The spitfire of a girl he knew as a child had grown into a most elegant creature. Oh, the fire was still there, and the love of drama. Even now, she'd drawn a circle of rapt listeners, hanging on her every word.
She and her parents were held up by highwaymen yesterday. They had been waylaid and robbed of their valuables. Sir Phillip Hales had informed Alexander of this that very morning by post. Whereas he'd been expecting news of his ailing father (for they had passed that way), he learned of this instead. That was the first thing that bothered him.
The second bothersome thing: this happened in Lower Bromley, a village beholden to his father, the Earl of Bromley. For this, Alexander blamed himself. He should never have asked Sir Phillip to check on his father, especially seeing that Sir Phillip had been on his way back from visiting his own ailing mother. If he hadn't, the Haleses would never have been in Lower Bromley. This would never have happened.
And the third, most disturbing thing of all? His realisation that he absolutely, positively loved Miss Merrybelle beyond anything he'd ever loved before.
I confess that I don’t feel totally qualified as to what a compelling story question is for a Regency Romance, and whether or not it needs to be on the first page. It may be that lots of set-up and backstory are appropriate. If you have some expertise in the Regency Romance area, I hope you’ll comment.
Still, there seems that this opening could be stronger. Interesting things happen later—not only were valuables stolen in the highway robbery, but the thief also stole a kiss. And Alexander deduces who it is. I suggest looking for a way to condense or skip all the set-up—what do things such as his ailing mother or the other family’s father’s condition matter to the story?—and get to the interesting stuff (stolen kiss, knowing the robber, a vow to get him) on the first page. I think it can be done and this writer can do it. Then the other world set-up stuff can be woven in.
I'd rather see a lively scene with something happening rather than a character just tell us stuff. My advice: even in a Regency Romance make something happen on the first page that affects the protagonist.
The rest of the chapter continues after the fold.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Heidi
Continue reading "Flogometer for Heidi—would you turn the first page?" »