It's been a while since I posted this, and I thought it might be fun for some. If you think rejection is tough to deal with in modern times, it was even more difficult in prehistoric days, as you'll see.
For what it's worth.
Have a fine day--and I need more submissions for the Flogometer.
Submissions wanted—only one in the queue for next week. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Jach sends the first chapter for The Pit of Gods.
The sounds of the slave market seemed to terify the small, delicate black girl on the platform. She was trembling, yet somehow able to stand on her own. Her lips were arched in an uneasy smile. It was the only thing Sikalis could see clearly on her face, for her features were disjointed by fear. Her eyes were restless, never stopping to see anything for more than a moment.
"5 liri!" shouted a thin, old man, his harsh voice loud enough to reach the two slave merchants. One was an impoverished Taurian merchant called Ganoblis, whose pox-marked face was now widening into an evil smile. The other was Svafa, a barbarian from the northern lands of Jangria. He towered over everyone in the market. Everyone near him was uneasy, startled by the long blond hair and shaggy beard, and the uneasyness would turn into shivers if he looked at them with his sea-blue eyes. Ganoblis introduced him to everyone as his 'partner'. From what Sikalis has seen, better words were 'his slave bodyguard'.
After a nod from from Ganoblis, who must have already imagined the silver coins in his pouch, Svafa called out: "Sold!".
Without an expression, Sikalis watched the girl go down the platform to the thin man in his blue and red tunic as the next slave, a white-haired Lotan, moved to spot where she stood but a moment ago. This was the twenty-first city in which he was waiting to be sold on wooden platforms such as these, hastly built on a small stretch of ground in a market room, elevated enough for the (snip)
Definitely an interesting world, but there are issues, too. Some of what I feel is overwriting, I had a clarity issue, and there are no stakes or jeopardy regarding the sale of the protagonist. This is just another ho-hum day after twenty-one cities. Gets an almost. Increase the tension and crisp up the narrative and it could be a turn. Notes:
The sounds of the slave market seemed to terify the small, delicate black girl on the platform. She was trembling, yet somehow able to stand on her own. Her lips were arched in an uneasy smile. It was the only thing Sikalis could see clearly on her face, for her features were disjointed by fear. Her eyes were restless, never stopping to see anything for more than a moment. Cut the sentence for two reasons—it didn't make real sense to me (why could he not see her features even if twisted) and it slows things.
"5 liri!" shouted a thin, old man, his harsh voice loud enough to reach the two slave merchants. One was an impoverished Taurian merchant called Ganoblis, whose pox-marked face was now widening into an evil smile. The other was Svafa, a barbarian from the northern lands of Jangria. He towered over everyone in the market. Everyone near him was uneasy, startled by the long blond hair and shaggy beard, and the uneasyness would turn into shivers if he looked at them with his sea-blue eyes. Ganoblis introduced him to everyone as his 'partner'. From what Sikalis has seen, better words were 'his slave bodyguard'. Repetition of “everyone".POV glitch here—Sikalis can't know what everyone is feeling or what motivates behavior. How could he see shivers in a crowded market?
After a nod from from Ganoblis, who must have already imagined the silver coins in his pouch, Svafa called out: "Sold!".
Without an expression, Sikalis watched theThe girl wentgo down the platform to the thin man in his blue and red tunic as the next slave, a white-haired Lotan, moved to spot where she stood but a moment ago. This was the twenty-first city in which he Sikaliswaitedwas waiting to be sold on wooden platforms such as these, hastly hastily built on a small stretch of ground in a market room, elevated enough for the (snip) Sikalis watched is a filter that distances the reader from the character's experience. The extra detail about the platform is a bit of overwriting. While it adds nice detail, the detail doesn't move the story forward. I suspect you could delete this paragraph and get back to what's happening to Sikalis.
Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Lynn sends the first chapter for The Comfort Ban, a middle-grade novel. Help the writer with your comments.
Spaulding snorted a muzzle of damp coffee grounds, choked and opened his eyes. Plastic pulled taut against the teddy bear's honey-brown matted fur. His limbs twisted among scented candles, silk flowers and the Phillies pennant from home. Where was he?
Last night, Mom's arms cradled him in their big, cozy bed. Was this some game? Spaulding poked a hole with a picture frame through the thick trash bag and slid past a butterscotch-scented blue and white box. He squeezed out, reached back to grab the box, and then crossed his legs on the bag to wipe coffee grounds from his face and red crocheted sweater.
Was Mom angry with him? He glanced at the box. Why did she throw him in the trash with a box of Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets? His fur raised.
A rain-spattered car blocked his view of the street. Hundreds of trash bags crowded the dry sidewalk. He hugged the Tastykake box to his chest and knees, while he surveyed his surroundings. Gray stone and red brick rowhomes lined the sidewalk. The houses in his neighborhood attached too, but they had small yards. Mom wouldn't play this game.
A truck rumbled up the street. Cans, plastic trash bags and glass crashed and crunched. A man yelled, "Ho!" The truck lurched. He yelled, "Whoa!" Brakes screeched. Massive gloved hands hauled trash bags from the sidewalk between parked cars several doors behind him. Spaulding stood to climb the car and watch the trash truck.
Well, this is a unique story, for sure. The writing is good, but, for me, there’s overwriting as well that slows the pace and doesn’t contribute to what’s going on. Yes, this is an animated teddy bear, and the story, after reading the later narrative, seems to be a dystopian tale of some sort, though I have no idea of what role the teddy bear plays. I’m going to edit considerably and then show you four lines from the next page that, for me, would have done a better job of getting me to turn the page—no matter what the intended audience is, the same storytelling requirements are needed to create a compelling opening. As it is, the craft issues and a sense of not really understanding what’s going on stopped the page-turn for me. Notes:
Spaulding snorted a muzzle of damp coffee grounds, choked and opened his eyes. Plastic pulled taut against the teddy bear's honey-brown matted fur. His limbs twisted among scented candles, silk flowers and the Phillies pennant from home. Where was he?
Last night, Mom's arms had cradled him in their big, cozy bed. Was this some game? Spaulding poked a hole with a picture frame through the thick trash bag and slid past a butterscotch-scented blue and white box. He squeezed out, reached back to grab the box, and then crossed his legssat on the bag to wipe coffee grounds from his face and red crocheted sweater.While the details give you more, some aren’t needed and slow the narrative. I think it needs to be crisp on the first page.
Was Mom angry with him? He glanced at the box.Why did she throw him in the trash with a box of Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets? His fur raised. More unneeded detail.
A rain-spattered car blocked his view of the street.Hundreds of trash bags crowded the dry sidewalk. He hugged the Tastykake box to his chest and knees, while he surveyed his surroundings. Gray stone and red brick rowhomes lined the sidewalk. The houses in his neighborhood attached too, but they had small yards. Mom wouldn't play this game. The car doesn’t add to the story.
A truck rumbled up the street. Cans, plastic trash bags and glass crashed and crunched. A man yelled, "Ho!" The truck lurched. He yelled, "Whoa!"Brakes screeched. Massive gloved hands hauled trash bags from the sidewalk between parked cars several doors behind him. Spaulding stood to climb the car and watch the trash truck. All this detail doesn’t, for me, move the story. Cutting this leaves room to add the following)
"Yo, String Bean." Someone gave a deepthroated screech above the truck's din. "Want that truck to haul you to the dump?"
A dusty-brown squat teddy bear peeked from behind a sapling two doors away. The bear yelled, "Run. Now!"For me, these paragraphs add a sense of urgency and jeopardy to the story and I’d be willing to turn the page to see more of what’s going on. What do you think?
Caution: word geeks like me may not be able to resist reading through the whole list. I didn’t intend to read it all, but I couldn’t stop and was glad I didn’t. Interestingly, when I copied it into Word for this post, Word identified many of the words as spelling errors. Here’s a brief sample:
The part of a wall between two windows is called the interfenestration.
The part of your back that you can't quite reach to scratch is called the acnestis. It's derived from the Greek word for "cheese-grater."
The opposite of déjà-vu is called jamais-vu: it describes the odd feeling that something very familiar is actually completely new.
The bowl formed by cupping your hands together is called a gowpen.
Happy is used three times more often in English than sad.
A cumberground is an utterly useless person who literally serves no other purpose than to take up space.
The paddywhack mentioned in the nursery rhyme "This Old Man" is a Victorian slang word for a severe beating.
Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Gary sends first chapter for This Book Sucks. The rest of the narrative follows the break. Help the writer with your comments.
The first sign of trouble was an Unsatisfactory in recess. As I understand it, the mark was usually accompanied by Does Not Play Well with Others, but I actually avoided the other children pretty well. My father sent me to the piano bench after reading the report card. I had to sit there, kicking my bobby socks, until Mother came home. Even our cat swished her tail at me and stopped beyond a foot of my hand. I considered that to be a bad sign, but she was that kind of cat all the way to the end of her.
Mom came home from her business, looking immaculate in her pinned-up bun and pin-striped dress. She put her purse on the stand by the door and walked past me into the dining room on her way to the kitchen. There she filled a champagne flute with the last of yesterday’s merlot and wandered back into the living room, where she stood by the china cabinet and drank half the glass, with her eyes closed.
“Where’s your father?” she asked after she came up for air.
“Upstairs.” I swallowed and quit fiddling with my bracelet.
She stiffened. More than normal. Put the empty wine flute on the piano. Squinted at me. “What did you do? Why are you in timeout? I thought you were practicing piano.”
My father’s shoes thumped down the steps. “She received an unsatisfactory.”
The squint turned into marbles. She yelled at Father, which didn’t make any sense: (snip)
Love the voice and the strange characters. The conflict is minimal, but it’s there, along with a moderate “what’s going to happen” question. That, plus the voice, got the page turned. The rest of the chapter is fun, for sure, and this is a terrific character. However, I ended it without knowing what the story was about. I suspect this is basically set-up before the real story begins. I urge Gary to consider starting closer to that point. I also didn’t end up knowing for sure what her strange condition is, and I think that should have been included—it’s character and a possible rooting factor. But it is fun. Give it a read and see what you think. I don’t really have any notes other than to question “kicking my bobby socks.” What does that mean? Does she mean kicking her feet? Surely she’s not actually kicking socks.
Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Lisa sends the first chapter of her novel—don’t know the title. The rest of the narrative follows the break. Help the writer with your comments.
Skinny jeans tucked into brown ankle boots, Addison McDonell warmed her fingers on the cardboard insulated hazelnut macchiato, its scent rising into her face. People chatted in the café, the steamer frothing in the background. Addison’s eyes flickered from the smart phone on the high table to the chalkboard list of espressos and teas: unseeing, unhearing, heart hurting.
How?
How could people do this?
Outside the corner café a jogger crossed the intersection in the weak November sunlight. Old fashioned brick stores lined the street, their grace jarred by an austere gas station. Further on a post-flower child food coop now sheltered under mature leafless maple trees. Banners hung from faux vintage streetlamps declared St. Paul The Most Livable City in America.
Lucian’s parents must be shell-shocked. She sure as hell was. You read about this online but it didn’t happen in real life, not to family.
Waiting for her brother, she reflected on the phone conversation frowning at the amber liquid. Something niggled the edges of her thoughts. She pursued it; drew back on memory. Then found her target. The police officers wanted to keep it quiet, no news report, to better apprehend the perpetrators.
What?
There is nice writing and description here but, for me, more than there should be for an opening page. We get bogged down in detail while the story waits to begin. And, as the first page foreshadows what is to come, I would expect more overwriting and lack of focus on the moments of story. Something pretty dramatic happens at the end of the chapter, but I wouldn’t have gotten there. My vote was no. Some reasons why in the notes:
Skinny jeans tucked into brown ankle boots,Addison McDonell warmed her fingers on the cardboard insulatedher cup of hazelnut macchiato, its scent rising into her face. People chatted in the café, the steamer frothing in the background. Addison’s eyes flickered from the smart phone on the high table to the chalkboard list of espressos and teas: unseeing, unhearing, heart hurting.Signs of overwriting here don’t bode well for the rest of the narrative. A bit of POV break, too—in close third person, she wouldn’t be thinking of the nature of her jeans and boots.
How?
How could people do this? You’re raising story questions, which is good, but we need a clue as to what “this” is right away, and it’s not here.
Outside the corner café a jogger crossed the intersection in the weak November sunlight. Old fashioned brick stores lined the street, their grace jarred by an austere gas station. Further on a post-flower child food coop now sheltered under mature leafless maple trees. Banners hung from faux vintage streetlamps declared St. Paul The Most Livable City in America.While this expands the setting, I felt it wasn’t relevant to the story and slowed the pace. If it’s not germane to what’s happening in the scene, don’t include it on the first page.
The hospital had admitted Lucian to ICU. He remained sedated, in critical condition with broken ribs, a concussion, a swollen face, and…too vivid.I’ve added this from the next page. For me, it strengthens the story questions with detail and increases my interest. Give the reader some meat on that hook.
Lucian’s parents must be shell-shocked. She sure as hell was. You read about this online but it didn’t happen in real life, not to family.
Waiting for her brother, she reflected on the phone conversation frowning at the amber liquid. Something niggled the edges of her thoughts. She pursued it; drew back on memory. Then found her target. The police officers wanted to keep it quiet, no news report, to better apprehend the perpetrators. With the above addition of Lucian’s condition the story question raised here is much stronger.
Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Michael sends first chapter for The Voodoo Princess of Big Pine Key. The rest of the narrative follows the break. Help the writer with your comments.
“Listen, all I heard from my cousin is that there’s a beautiful Haitian woman down in the Keys who murders young guys and uses their bodies to smuggle heroin into the country,” said Carlos. “The local Cubans call her the Voodoo Princess.”
“Yeah but, we’re not looking for any trouble, all we want is to pick up some of those cute Cuban chickas you told us about,” Stanley Williams said. “We’re not gonna mess with no Voodoo woman.”
“You guys aren’t even able to pick up trash, you’re too square,” interjected Guy from across the senior Pagoda. “Whadda you know about picking up girls?”
“Carlos is going to help us out with some Spanish stuff,” said Dennis, one of Stanley’s sidekicks. “He says they like clean cut guys like us, not a motley crew of greasers like you bums.”
“Shut yer pie-hole, Dennis, afore I send Joe over there to kick your ass.”
“Shut up, Guy,” growled Stanley. “None of your boys are gonna kick anybody’s ass.”
“Up yours, dweeb face. Our guys can beat your guys any day of the week.”
“Any time you want to try it, Guy. You know I can lick you or any one of your gang with one hand behind my back. You ain’t tough, you just talk a big game,” said Stanley.
Guy always had to butt in because he fancied himself the senior bully. He thought his (snip)
The writing is solid and there’s conflict here and an interesting opening line about voodoo and murders, but I soon got lost in the flurry of names/characters—4 are introduced in the first few paragraphs. I could have used some scene-setting, too—the reference to the senior Pagoda doesn’t quite give me a picture. Perhaps this could be simplified by eliminating the Dennis character and giving his lines to someone else. The main thing is that there’s no real story question affecting the protagonist here—which is another thing: it’s not clear who the lead character is.
It turns out that it’s Stanley. I looked through the chapter for a different opening, but I found mostly set-up and backstory and no real “what’s going to happen next” question to pull me through. For me, the rest of the chapter was suspense-free. I think the real story starts later, maybe when they’re in the Keys if that’s where they go.
Oops, got busy and forgot to flog yesterday. Here 'tis . . .
Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Chris sends first chapter for An Inconvenient Death. The rest of the narrative follows the break. Help the writer with your comments.
The voice of the caller on Matt Lanier's answering machine was calm, professional, and disinterested, considering the magnitude of the statement.
This is the Owatonna Hospital. Your father's in our emergency room. Please call us at...
Matt heard nothing after that because simultaneous joy and panic bolted to the surface of his brain like a long ribbon of gasoline set ablaze with a spark. On one side of his mind, the possibility of being free forever of his old man shot waves of energy through his fatigued body. On the other side, the weight of dread, finality, loss, responsibility, change, fought those waves with invisible pressure like the gravity pull of a full moon restraining the tide.
He replayed the message to copy the phone number, then called the hospital. A nurse answered in a tone consistent with the phone message voice.
"This is Matt Lanier. I'm returning the call I received earlier this evening. My father, Ray Lanier is there." Matt turned and looked out his living room window, bracing for the psychological impact of what he was about to hear.
"Oh ... yes, Mr. Lanier, I'll get the ER doctor for you."
Seconds later a male voice came on. "Mr. Lanier, this is Dr. Singh." He spoke with a British accent. "I'm afraid your father has suffered a stroke. He's in bad shape."
Stroke. So that was it. Not dead. Not yet, anyway. A vision came to Matt of Ray Lanier (snip)
The inner conflict Matt feels is what gives this opening energy and a chance, but, for me, the overwriting signaled less-than-crisp, storytelling narrative ahead. And I was right. There’s a long sequence of describing his drive through a snowstorm that doesn’t do anything but get him to the hospital—a simple transition would have done. There’s backstory that slows things, too. The final paragraph in the chapter did offer more conflict ahead . . .
Matt stared at his father and clenched his teeth as if that could contain the torrent of hate that was forcing its way to the surface. The torrent of hate that had brewed, simmered, boiled all those years. Why couldn't you have done us both a favor and died?
. . . but that was too late for me. Notes:
The voice of the caller on Matt Lanier's answering machine was calm, professional, and disinterested, considering the magnitude of the statement.
This is the Owatonna Hospital. Your father's in our emergency room. Please call us at...
Matt heard nothing after that because simultaneous joy and panic bolted to the surface of his brain (mind?) like a long ribbon of gasoline set ablaze with a spark. On one side of his mind, the possibility of being free forever of his old man shot waves of energy through his fatigued body. On the other side, the weight of dread, finality, loss, responsibility, change, fought those waves with invisible pressure like the gravity pull of a full moon restraining the tide.I felt that the similes distracted, and I’m not all that sure the first one works—the idea of a long ribbon of gas set ablaze with a spark is complicated, and it also suggests a single emotion while he describes two competing emotions. This does raise inner conflict, which is very good, but try to do it simply and with a sense of his emotions.
He replayed the message to copy the phone number, then called the hospital. A nurse answered in a tone consistent with the phone message voice. "This is Matt Lanier. I'm returning the call I received earlier this evening. My father, Ray Lanier is there." Matt turned and looked out his living room window, bracing for the psychological impact of what he was about to hear. For me, the details about replaying the message and the nurse’s tone amount to overwriting—detail that doesn’t contribute to moving the story forward. What’s important here is that he talk to a doctor, so cut to the chase--this took 65 words, the edited version 39. Also, would a character in such a situation really be thinking about "psychological impact?"
"Oh ... yes, Mr. Lanier, I'll get the ER doctor for you."
Seconds later a male voice came on. "Mr. Lanier, this is Dr. Singh." He spoke with a British accent. "I'm afraid your father has suffered a stroke. He's in bad shape."
Stroke.So that was it. Not dead. Not yet, anyway. A vision came to Matt of Ray Lanier (snip)
I want to give a shout-out for a client of mine, Sara C. Snider, who has just published a terrific fantasy novel, The Thirteenth Tower.
I know it’s terrific because I edited it. Sara has a natural prose voice that draws a reader in, and the story is involving, imaginative, and touching. Here’s the synopsis from the back cover:
In adversity lies strength beyond imagining.
Abandoned as a baby, young Emelyn’s life as a housemaid in the quiet village of Fallow is unremarkable—and empty. That is, until a host of magical creatures arrives and inflicts terrible misdeeds on the townsfolk. Inexplicably immune to their enchantments, Emelyn joins a pair of Magi intent on stopping the cause of the trouble—and who claim to know of her parents, promising Emelyn answers to a lifetime of questions.
But the answers Emelyn seeks prove to be more elusive than she hoped, and the world outside Fallow more perilous than she imagined. Magical creatures roam the land over, attacking yet another town before coming after Emelyn. The key to her survival—and finding her family—lies deep within her, if only she can conquer her doubts and believe she is more powerful than she ever dreamed.
In a journey that explores facing one’s fears amidst the uncertainties of an unknown world, The Thirteenth Tower is a magical tale of discovery, growth, and of love’s enduring strength.
The world Sara creates is fresh and involving, with magical creatures that are real, endearing, and sometimes funny. The protagonist, Emelyn, is a courageous young woman on quite a journey that includes very real , very scary dangers. I highly recommend it.
I also designed the book for Sara. It was a true partnership—she had a vision that led to commissioning special cover art, and she also suggested the font. I had the pleasure of putting it all together and designing the interior, where I was able to contribute more graphic design touches.
I highly recommend The Thirteenth Tower to you. You can get a “look inside” for the Kindle edition here. Sara is well into writing the second book in the series, and I can’t wait to read what happens next.