Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Whitney sends the first chapter of The Seventh Debt. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold.
He walked among the market stalls, pretending to ignore the whispering and giggling women. His relaxed demeanor, handsome features, and ready smile meant no female in the town missed his weekly homilies. His plead to the parish regarding the fundraising goal for the Catholic Appeal was received so well, that neither of the priests could believe that the goal was met within the first eight days of the campaign.
Feeling a touch on his sleeve, he turned and his smile disappeared. Looking first left then right, he angrily spat, "I told you to leave me alone!"
She blinked, her long lashes brushing her cheeks, and firmly said, "But, I need to talk to you." Leaning closer, she paused, and lowered her voice, almost scowling at him. "You see, I’m not leaving here without you. You’ve been compromised. It’s time to go. Now.”
“What?” he hissed. “How is that possible? I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. How could I be compromised? Wasn't THIS was the safe option?”
“It seems you’ve created quite a fan base here,” the U.S. Marshall chided. “One of your admirers posted pictures of you on the St. Stephen's Facebook page and Twitter account, tweeting bits of your homilies and inspirational talks. Those pictures and tweets have gone viral. You are no longer safe here. It’s time to pack. We are leaving within the hour.”
While a pretty good story question is raised on this first page, there were too many rough edges for me to want to read more—I’ll give this an almost on the strength of the story question. This feels like first-draft material at the stage where you’re just getting the story on the page. It will need considerable polishing to be publishable, but that’s possible. One caution, Whitney—avoid the long diversion into backstory that follows in the chapter. Notes:
He walked among the market stalls, pretending to ignore the whispering and giggling women. His relaxed demeanor, handsome features, and ready smile meant no female in the town missed his weekly homilies. His plead plea to the parish regarding the fundraising goal for the Catholic Appeal was had been received so well, that neither of the priests could believe that they’d met the goal was met within the first eight days of the campaign. A point-of-view glitch here—we’re in close third person POV (we know he’s pretending) and he would not be thinking of a “relaxed demeanor, handsome features, and ready smile.” This is description from the outside courtesy of the author, and it takes the reader out of the close POV. The notion of no female in town missing his homilies suggests that every woman in the town is a Catholic who attends his services, which seems unreasonable. Every female in his congregation, though, works.
Feeling a touch on his sleeve, he turned, and his smile disappeared. Looking first left then right, he He angrily spat, "I told you to leave me alone!" The looking, while reasonable, isn’t really needed—a touch of overwriting.
She blinked, her long lashes brushing her cheeks, and firmly said, "But, I need to talk to you." Leaning closer, she paused, and lowered her voice, almost scowling at him. "You see, I’m not leaving here without you. You’ve been compromised. It’s time to go. Now.” In going for a little misdirection here—suggesting something between the woman and what appears to be a priest or a deacon—would be okay if that was the case. But in two paragraphs she is identified as a U.S. marshal. The time to do that is here, not later. If it’s here it raises the proper story question. Would her lashes really brush her cheeks? I don’t think that’s really possible. What is an "almost" scowl? Be definite.
“What?” he hissed. “How is that possible? I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. How could I be compromised? Wasn't THIS was the safe option?”
“It seems you’ve created quite a fan base here,” the U.S. Marshall marshal chided. “One of your admirers posted pictures of you on the St. Stephen's Facebook page and Twitter account, tweeting tweeted bits of your homilies and inspirational talks. Those pictures and tweets have gone viral. You are no longer safe here. It’s time to pack. We are leaving within the hour.” Good story question raised here. Being more specific about the danger would increase tension, though. For example: You are no longer safe here, they’ll be coming to kill you. We are leaving within the hour.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Whitney
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