Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Whitney—would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Whitney sends the first chapter of The Seventh Debt. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold.

He walked among the market stalls, pretending to ignore the whispering and giggling women. His relaxed demeanor, handsome features, and ready smile meant no female in the town missed his weekly homilies. His plead to the parish regarding the fundraising goal for the Catholic Appeal was received so well, that neither of the priests could believe that the goal was met within the first eight days of the campaign.

Feeling a touch on his sleeve, he turned and his smile disappeared. Looking first left then right, he angrily spat, "I told you to leave me alone!"

She blinked, her long lashes brushing her cheeks, and firmly said, "But, I need to talk to you." Leaning closer, she paused, and lowered her voice, almost scowling at him. "You see, I’m not leaving here without you. You’ve been compromised. It’s time to go. Now.”

“What?” he hissed. “How is that possible? I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. How could I be compromised? Wasn't THIS was the safe option?”

“It seems you’ve created quite a fan base here,” the U.S. Marshall chided. “One of your admirers posted pictures of you on the St. Stephen's Facebook page and Twitter account, tweeting bits of your homilies and inspirational talks. Those pictures and tweets have gone viral. You are no longer safe here. It’s time to pack. We are leaving within the hour.”

While a pretty good story question is raised on this first page, there were too many rough edges for me to want to read more—I’ll give this an almost on the strength of the story question. This feels like first-draft material at the stage where you’re just getting the story on the page. It will need considerable polishing to be publishable, but that’s possible. One caution, Whitney—avoid the long diversion into backstory that follows in the chapter. Notes:

He walked among the market stalls, pretending to ignore the whispering and giggling women. His relaxed demeanor, handsome features, and ready smile meant no female in the town missed his weekly homilies. His plead plea to the parish regarding the fundraising goal for the Catholic Appeal was had been received so well, that neither of the priests could believe that they’d met the goal was met within the first eight days of the campaign. A point-of-view glitch here—we’re in close third person POV (we know he’s pretending) and he would not be thinking of a “relaxed demeanor, handsome features, and ready smile.” This is description from the outside courtesy of the author, and it takes the reader out of the close POV. The notion of no female in town missing his homilies suggests that every woman in the town is a Catholic who attends his services, which seems unreasonable. Every female in his congregation, though, works.

Feeling a touch on his sleeve, he turned, and his smile disappeared. Looking first left then right, he He angrily spat, "I told you to leave me alone!" The looking, while reasonable, isn’t really needed—a touch of overwriting.

She blinked, her long lashes brushing her cheeks, and firmly said, "But, I need to talk to you." Leaning closer, she paused, and lowered her voice, almost scowling at him. "You see, I’m not leaving here without you. You’ve been compromised. It’s time to go. Now.” In going for a little misdirection here—suggesting something between the woman and what appears to be a priest or a deacon—would be okay if that was the case. But in two paragraphs she is identified as a U.S. marshal. The time to do that is here, not later. If it’s here it raises the proper story question. Would her lashes really brush her cheeks? I don’t think that’s really possible. What is an "almost" scowl? Be definite.

“What?” he hissed. “How is that possible? I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. How could I be compromised? Wasn't THIS was the safe option?”

“It seems you’ve created quite a fan base here,” the U.S. Marshall marshal chided. “One of your admirers posted pictures of you on the St. Stephen's Facebook page and Twitter account, tweeting tweeted bits of your homilies and inspirational talks. Those pictures and tweets have gone viral. You are no longer safe here. It’s time to pack. We are leaving within the hour.” Good story question raised here. Being more specific about the danger would increase tension, though. For example: You are no longer safe here, they’ll be coming to kill you. We are leaving within the hour.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Whitney

Flogometer for Deborah—would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—just ONE left in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Deborah sends a rewrite of the prologue and first chapter of Vision. The first submission is here. The rest of the submission continues below the fold.

Prologue

Nine Years Ago

”Jack, is that Shelby sleepwalking again?” Lara said shaking me. I bolted out of bed and followed her down the hall.

Sneaking around the corner we peaked into Shelby’s room, waiting for our eyes to focus in the dark. She was sound asleep.

A floorboard creaked. What the…? Someone was downstairs.

“I’m getting my gun,” I whispered. My Glock 17 sidearm was in the safe in the master bedroom, but we were stuck huddled behind Shelby’s bed. Jackhammer heavy rain was pounding the concrete moat surrounding our normally safe Brooklyn brownstone.

 “Jack, don’t,” Lara said clutching my sleeve. “What if they hear you? Let them take what they want and leave.”

Why the hell didn’t I grab that Glock instead of running in here? An FBI agent should freaking know better.

“Daddy, don’t you remember what happened when I was your mommy and you were my little boy?”

“Shelby, not now,” Lara hissed. A blink of lightning followed by a deafening clap of thunder made us flinch. Lara shivered in her gauzy nightgown.

“When do you mean?” Her timing sucked, but when my gifted daughter remembered (snip)

There are some craft issues here that held me up from turning the page. In addition, a clear story question wasn’t there either. I’m going to give notes on this though I don’t usually when contrasting a prologue and a chapter. The opening of the first chapter follows these notes.

”Jack, is that Shelby sleepwalking again?” Lara said shaking me. I bolted out of bed and followed her down the hall.

Sneaking around the corner we peaked peeked into Shelby’s room, waiting for our eyes to focus in the dark. She was sound asleep. It’s not that eyes need to focus in the dark, they need to adapt to the low light.

A floorboard creaked. What the…? Someone was downstairs.

“I’m getting my gun,” I whispered. My Glock 17 sidearm It was in the safe in the master bedroom, but we were stuck huddled behind Shelby’s bed. Jackhammer-heavy rain was pounding the concrete moat surrounding our normally safe Brooklyn brownstone. Issues: detailing the brand name of the gun is a break in point of view and an info dump. A person would just think of his “gun,” not the details. And they don’t matter, either. Second issue: they had just peeked into the room, so how are they now stuck huddled behind a bed?

 “Jack, don’t,” Lara said clutching my sleeve. “What if they hear you? Let them take what they want and leave.”

Why the hell didn’t I grab my gun that Glock instead of running in here? An FBI agent should freaking know better. He didn't grab his gun because he was awakened regarding his child sleepwalking, not an intruder. You wouldn’t take your gun to check on your child. I would delete this.

“Daddy, don’t you remember what happened when I was your mommy and you were my little boy?” When did she wake up? Last we knew she was asleep and the parents were at her doorway. Things such as them coming into the room and her waking up need to be included in the narrative.

“Shelby, not now,” Lara hissed. A blink of lightning followed by a deafening clap of thunder made us flinch. Lara shivered in her gauzy nightgown.

“When do you mean?” Her timing sucked, but when my gifted daughter remembered (snip)

Chapter 1

Present Day

“Shelby, can you come down here please? We have some news!” My mother’s soprano voice vibrated with excitement. I tossed aside my trig homework and ambled down the stairs.

“So, how was your day?” she practically sang as I reached the last step.

“Seriously? I thought you had something to tell me?” I said leaning against the banister.

She ignored my teenage indifference and smiled at her boyfriend Michael, her junior by eleven years, before stretching out her hand to reveal a square cut diamond ring guarded by an army of blood-red rubies. 

“We’re engaged—we’re getting married! Can you believe it?” she asked pulling me in for a suffocating embrace.

“That’s great news, congratulations,” I said moving to hug Michael. Wow, I wasn’t expecting that so fast, they haven’t even known each other a year.

“So, give me all the details, when did this happen?” I demanded thankfully keeping the panic I was feeling out of my voice.

I want my mom to be happy of course, it just sucks that it has to happen now. I mean, she’s been by herself since my father died nine years ago. But I’d hoped to be done with high school and off to college before they got married, especially since I’ve made it all the way to my junior year without the intrusion. Michael’s very nice, but he’s a child psychologist and once he (snip)

 

The writing is crisper than the original version, there’s real progress. But the tension level is low—at worst she suffers a sense of inconvenience. The engagement is no real threat to her life, thus no real story question. Some notes:

Shelby, can you come down here please? We have some news!” My mother’s soprano voice vibrated with excitement. I tossed aside my trig homework and ambled down the stairs.

“So, how was your day?” she practically sang as I reached the last step.

“Seriously? I thought you had something to tell me?.” I said leaning against the banister. Overwriting.

She ignored my teenage indifference and smiled at her boyfriend, Michael, her junior by eleven years, before stretching out her hand to reveal a square-cut diamond ring guarded by an army of blood-red rubies. 

“We’re engaged—we’re getting married! Can you believe it?” she asked, pulling me in for a suffocating embrace. If Shelby was leaning on a bannister, then where was mom waiting for her? On a stair step? The scene needs to be set, including where people are.

“That’s great news, congratulations,” I said moving to hug Michael. Wow, I wasn’t expecting that so fast, they haven’t even known each other a year.

“So, give me all the details, when did this happen?” I demanded thankfully keeping the panic I was feeling out of my voice.

I want my mom to be happy of course, it just sucks that it has to happen now. I mean, she’s been by herself since my father died nine years ago. But I’d hoped to be done with high school and off to college before they got married, especially since I’ve made it all the way to my junior year without the intrusion. Michael’s very nice, but he’s a child psychologist and once he (snip)

 

Keep working, Deborah, you’re improving. Concentrate on staging, seeing where people are and then showing what they’re doing in order for things to flow and make sense. There was a terrific bit late in the first chapter when she is looking at Michael but sees instead a different face dripping blood. That could be a good place to start.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Deborah

Flogometer for Jill—would you turn the first page?

Man, this has been a week of computer and Internet travails for FtQ. First was the days and days of outage last week because of a denial of service attack on the host company. Then there was the strange sound my hard drive made when it wouldn’t boot up—am now working off of backup and the repair shop is getting the hard drive up and running (and replaced). And now the email address I use for FtQ isn’t responding anymore and I was sent a warning for spamming by the ISP company—some asshole has hijacked my site/email address and causing problems. Sheesh! Yet what is there to do but keep on keepin’ on?

To make up for the fact that, in the midst of this chaos, I forgot to do a flogging last Friday I’ll do three this week—but that’s just one away from the end of the line unless more folks step up.

Submissions needed—just ONE left in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Jill sends a rewrite of the first chapter of Get Up Eight. The first submission is here. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold.

So I’m in this hollow tree with Sesh and she hands me a golden bullet.

And the most amazing thing is not that the tree is so freezin’ huge we could do jumping jacks without touching the trunk. The most amazing thing is also not that the bullet turns into a mirror, or that I look in the mirror and see Macy Falk’s brain, or that the mirror then explodes into a million pieces.

The most maximally amazing thing is that Sesh is not gouging out my eyes or delivering lethal straight punches to my internal organs. She’s just standing there, crying.

Just to be clear, it’s not amazing that she’s crying. Given that it’s been less than a year since her father and sister were brutally murdered practically in front of her eyes by a crazed assassin, you’d expect her to be crying.

But you’d also expect her to be wreaking maximal havoc on me. Given that my dad was the attorney who defended the brutal, crazed assassin murderer.

You see the problem.

So far, Sesh has ignored me, like she ignores everyone else here. And that’s better than the “accidents” arranged for me by Whit and Rita and the rest of my oh-so-benevolent classmates, who know Keeper Sam will get them back for it but don’t seem to care.

You can’t blame them.

Very nice voice and clean writing do a good job of raising story questions, so I read on. I will say a couple of things, though—I felt the reference to “Keeper Sam” was wasted because I have no idea of what/who Keeper Sam is and what his relationship to the story is. Either give us the information in the context or leave it out until it comes to play in the story. The second thing is that, for me, the rest of the chapter didn’t do what it needed to do—put the character into some kind of situation where he must act or suffer harm of some kind. In other words, it ends with no conflict and no real story questions with meaningful stakes for the character. I suggest you read it (it’s quite short) and give your comments. As literary agent Kristin Nelson says, “Good writing isn’t enough.”

The chapter continues after the fold.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Jill