Submissions needed—no more in the queue, so no more floggings to come. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Yun sends the first chapter of Book of Immortals: The Disciple.
I stare at the giant looming over me, baffled by what I see.
The giant is a middle-aged woman with rosy cheeks, black hair tied in a bun, and warm smile. She is wearing ancient Oriental clothing that lacks both buttons and zippers. She looks big. Not in a fat way, but just . . . large.
I tear my gaze from her to look at my surroundings. I am trapped inside a cage with ebony bars all around me. The cage is open on the top; I can see the wooden ceiling high above. The huge room is furnished with a canopy bed, nightstands, dresser with bronze mirror, recliner, and my cage—all of them oversized except for the last. Oddly, there is no glass anywhere to be seen. Even the windows are made of translucent paper framed by wood.
But this is not where I’m supposed to be. I am supposed to be on a plane, reading . . . something, heading for . . . somewhere. I shake my head, trying to remember what happened. The more I think about it, the more elusive my memory becomes.
The middle-aged woman picks me up from my cage, takes off my clothes, and places me in a body of warm water. I flail my arms to prevent myself from drowning.
“Ahh . . .” My heart races out of control in my chest. I want to ask the woman why she wants to drown me, but in the heat of the moment, I lost my tongue. What comes out of my mouth is gibberish.
Good writing, though it could be crisper, and good voice plus interesting story questions were enough to get me past the first page. It would be good to know the gender of the character in the first page—I had assumed male until page 2. This could be done with something said by the woman. For example, when she picks the character up she could say something like “Good morning, little lady.” Editorial notes:
I stare at the giant looming over me, baffled by what I see. Good hook here.
The giant is a middle-aged woman with rosy cheeks, black hair tied in a bun, and a warm smile. She is wearing wears ancient Oriental clothing that lacks both buttons and zippers. She looks big. Not in a fat way, but just . . . large. I think the participle form of to-be verbs is less crisp and encourage simple action verbs. A couple of things: the current “correct” way to refer to things Oriental is “Asian,” though when I grew up it was “Oriental.” Also, is the woman Asian or Caucasian or what? That should be included, I think. How can he/she know that the clothing lacks zippers—there could be one in the back, many dresses are made that way. If that observation were qualified with something like “appears to lack” it would be more realistic.
I tear my gaze from her to look at my surroundings. I am trapped inside a cage with ebony bars all around me. The cage is open on the top; I can see the there’s a wooden ceiling high above. The huge room is furnished with a canopy bed, nightstands, dresser with bronze mirror, recliner, and my cage—all of them oversized except for the last. Oddly, there is no glass anywhere to be seen. Even the windows are made of translucent paper framed by wood. The “I can see” is a bit of a filter that puts a little further from the character’s experience. The first sentence is a bit of a filter too and really isn’t needed. Clarity issue: I’m not sure what is meant by his/her cage not being “oversized.” How would he/she know?
But this is not where I’m supposed to be. I am supposed to be on a plane, reading . . . something, heading for . . . somewhere. I shake my head, trying to remember what happened. The more I think about it, the more elusive my memory becomes. Good story question raised here.
The middle-aged woman picks me up from my cage, takes off my clothes, and places me in a body of warm water. I flail my arms to prevent myself from drowning. More good story questions.
“Ahh . . .” My heart races out of control in my chest. I want to ask the woman why she wants to drown me, but in the heat of the moment, I lost lose my tongue. What comes out of my mouth is gibberish. No need to tell us his/her heart is in his/her chest, we know that. It turns out that he/she has become a baby, so wouldn’t the sound of his/her voice be obviously different? I’d include that if possible.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Yun