Submissions needed—no more in the queue, so no more floggings without submissions. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Nishita sends a revision of the first chapter of Perfect Mate. The first submission is here, and the rest of the chapter follows the break. Help the writer with your comments.
Neha Shah and her parents sat cross-legged around a sacred fire in their living room. “Om Namaahh..Shivai” intoned the priest tossing a few grains of rice into the flames. Neha stifled a yawn.
It was around 7 AM in the morning. This ceremony was intended to appease all nine planets before Neha’s wedding. The only sounds apart from the priest’s chants were the occasional ‘caws’ of the solitary black crow perched outside their window.
Mrs. Shah considered this priest to be lucky, so procuring someone with a cheaper rate was naturally out of the question. Now, as the elderly priest wheezed from the smoke and covered his coughs with a trembling hand, Neha hoped enough of his luck would rub off on him to not leave in a stretcher.
Despite the strategically placed table fans, Neha’s red tasseled blouse turned progressively maroon as droplets of sweat made their way down her back. Her normally curly hair had been tamed into submission by an hour of straightening. After waging a hard battle with the styling tool, her hair now lay meekly on top of her head in a loose bun, adorned with a row of tiny white beads.
There was a small idol of Lord Ganesha next to the fire. Yellow ladoo balls made of flour and sugar were placed at its feet as offerings. A couple of black ants surreptitiously carried away (snip)
While I think this scene is a stronger opening than the original's "telling, and there’s considerable interest in a look inside a culture unfamiliar to me, what really happens here? A ceremony involving a wedding is in progress, prayers are being said, and the bride is bored. In other words, not much, and certainly nothing that could jeopardize her future. I didn’t turn the page for this version, but let me offer an alternative using edits and text taken from the narrative that follows. There’s a new poll.
Neha Shah and her parents sat cross-legged around a sacred fire in their living room. “Om Namaahh..Shivai” intoned the priest, tossing a few grains of rice into the flames. The ceremony was intended to appease all nine planets before Neha’s wedding.
Her stomach gave an audible growl. It was so unfair. As a bride, she was expected to fast the whole day while Varun could eat whatever he pleased. She frowned as her thoughts drifted to her fiancé. She glanced at her mobile. He still hadn’t returned any of her calls since morning. Yesterday, he had been cagey about revealing their honeymoon destination. Probably didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
****
Varun paced the floor of his bedroom. Neha’s cherubic face had been blinking on his cellphone every hour or so, but he had disconnected every time.
“Are you ready?” his mother called.
“Yes. Maa. Just a minute.”
His cellphone vibrated again. It was a text -“It’s confirmed”. Heart pounding, he grabbed his suitcase. His silk cream-colored Sherwani was laid out carefully on the bed, the tiny ruby stones on the embroidery glinting in the sunlight. Next to it was a Titan watch, his first gift from Neha. Without a backward glance, he slammed the door shut.
What do you think? For me the juxtaposition of her calm expectations and him apparently running out on her raise good story questions and provide some stakes.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Nishita
The remainder of the original is after the break.
(continued)
the stray crumbs.
Neha’s stomach gave an audible growl. It was so unfair. As a bride, she was expected to fast the whole day while Varun could eat whatever he pleased.She frowned as her thoughts drifted to her fiancé. She glanced at her mobile. He still hadn’t returned any of her calls since morning. They had been having a lot of fights lately but she chalked it to pre wedding stress. Yesterday, he was cagey about revealing their honeymoon destination. Probably didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
Mrs. Shah gave her a sharp poke. Neha looked up. “Please offer these flowers and ask the Lord to bless you with marital happiness,” said the priest. Neha placed the petals at the foot of the idol in the center.
“Pay attention Neha. You are not the only one who had to get up early today,” Mrs. Shah muttered under her breath.
****
Meanwhile in a flat in one of the more affluent areas of South Bombay, Varun paced the floor of his bedroom. Neha’s cherubic face had been blinking on his cellphone every hour or so, but he had disconnected every time.
“Are you ready?” his mother called.
“Yes. Maa. Just a minute.”
His cellphone vibrated again. His thumb hovered above the end call button, but he hesitated. It was a text -“It’s confirmed”. Heart pounding, he grabbed his suitcase. His silk cream-colored Sherwani was laid out carefully on the bed, the tiny ruby stones on the embroidery glinting in the sunlight. Next to it was a Titan watch, his first gift from Neha. Without a backward glance, he slammed the door shut.
****
After what felt like an eternity, the puja was over. Neha’s father got up gingerly, rubbing his left leg to ease the cramps. The dark circles around his eyes gave him a world weary look which considering the fact that he was the sole provider of three ladies, he probably was.
Meera was not required for this part of the ceremony and was ensconced on a jute sofa across from Neha, her feet tucked underneath a pistachio green georgette saree. Mrs. Shah had been equally generous in passing her genes to her daughters. Both of them had fair skin and dainty frames, but Meera was a better version , a Neha 2.0. Her features were sharp, face more angular. She had a mole on her lower lip,as if God Himself had put a black dot on her as protection from envy. Her hair was tied in a long thick braid. The sequins on her blouse glittered making her look like a shimmering peacock. She munched on a tiny samosa and smiled guiltily at Neha.
Mrs. Shah fished out a gold chain from her purse and promptly put it around Neha’s neck, already leaden with three necklaces. “Mom, please, I am wearing enough gold to open a mini jeweler’s store,” she protested. Her earlobes were drooping painfully under the weight of heavy earrings. An ornate tika was pinned to the center of her hair parted in the middle.
“Don’t be silly. It is not every day that you get married. I have been collecting these things since you and Meera were toddlers.”
She turned to her husband. “Do you know when the car will arrive? The girl’s family can’t afford to be late to the venue. What will people think?”
Mr. Shah ran a hand over his bald head. “Yes. It should be here. You three can wait downstairs while I go check.”
Mrs. Shah burst into tears. “I can’t believe my little daughter is going to be married!”
She pulled Neha into an embrace. Neha could smell the fragrance of talcum powder applied liberally on her mother’s neck.
Mrs. Shah continued, “Today it’s you, then Meera too will be married after a couple of months. This house will be so empty!”
Neha patted her mother. The wall across had a series a pencil marks traced years ago to mark the growth of the sisters in their childhood. She was having a hard time fighting back her own tears. She looked at her father for help and saw to her surprise, that he too was wiping his eyes.
“Its ok maa. I am only a local train ride away”.
“Yes, yes, you are right”. Mrs. Shah recovered and dabbed at her face with a handkerchief. “I want my daughters to be happy. Although I wish you would have let me find a nice gujju boy for you like I did for Meera. I guess Varun is also..” she struggled for words. “..alright” she finished.
“alright” coming from Mrs. Shah was a huge compliment. It had taken months to convince her that he was not a ‘charlatan from Punjab who would ruin her life’
“Don’t worry. Varun will always take care of me” said Neha.
****
On the other side of the town, Varun had managed to sneak out of the house without anyone noticing. This was made easier by his out of town relatives who swarmed his house, enjoying the food and roaring with laughter.
“Oye..where are you going?” Varun turned around with trepidation. His brother in law from Bangalore was leaning against a local pan store, a cigarette dangled between his fingers.
“Nothing, just need to get some stuff for tonight,” said Varun fidgeting his feet.
“Ohhh..I understand.” He smiled. “Need things for wedding night rite?’ he added with a wink.
“Yup man.” Varun smiled back and continued walking. “Idiot” he mumbled.
He reached the sidewalk and called out, “Taxi!”
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