Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Edi—would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—only one left in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Edi sends the first chapter of Orphan Train. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold--I suggest you read on and give your thoughts.

"Eugenia, get away from that man!” She's only eight, and the Blessed Mother knows what he might be saying to her. I cannot let her out of my sight for one minute on this street.

Eugenia doesn't hear me; too many carriages rolling by. The man puts his hand on her head, and she stands there like she's in church with the priest blessing her. I force myself to get up, though I feel like hunger has pinned me to this corner of the sidewalk forever. I can't let him touch her like that.

"Eugenia!" I put all my strength into the word. The man hands her something, and she runs back to me. Thank goodness, I can sit back down and put my back against the bricks, out of the wind. She stands in front of me. What a little scarecrow, with her arms straight out, flapping, all excited."Ligia, read this for me!" 

I take the sheet of paper and spell out the first line to myself, in my head. I’m glad I did. Eugenia mustn't know what this says. I frown and look up at her. "What did he say to you?" She looks scared, like my voice is going to whip her or something. 

"Nothing, Ligia. I mean, he said I should read this if I ever need a home, or a bed, or some parents to look after me. He wasn't like the police. Honest, Ligia."

"He's not the police," I said. "He's something worse. He was trying to con you." I try to make my voice sad and threatening at the same time. "There are people who steal children.

An inviting voice and strong, clear writing served to draw me in. The way the period nature of the piece is introduced by the carriages rolling by and the way her hunger and the cold are woven in are excellent. I did turn the page, but I think it could be stronger in two places.

There was material from the last paragraph on the second page that I think would be stronger by being moved. Also, I think it would be best if the reader learns on this first page that Ligia is twelve years old. Maybe there’s a graceful way in the third or fourth paragraph if the description is trimmed a little. Notes:

"Eugenia, get away from that man!” She's only eight, and the Blessed Mother knows what he might be saying to her. I cannot let her out of my sight for one minute on this street.

Eugenia She doesn't hear me; too many carriages rolling by. The man puts his hand on her head, and she stands there like she's in church with the priest blessing her. I force myself to get up, though I feel like hunger has pinned me to this corner of the sidewalk forever. I can't let him touch her like that. Suggest using the pronoun to avoid echoing “Eugenia.”

"Eugenia!" I put all my strength into the word. The man hands her something, and she runs back to me. Thank goodness, I can sit back down and put my back against the bricks, out of the wind. She stands in front of me. What a little scarecrow, with her arms straight out, flapping, all excited."Ligia, read this for me!" Love the description of Eugenia.

I take the sheet of paper and spell out the first line to myself, in my head. I’m glad I did. Eugenia mustn't know what this says. I frown and look up at her. "What did he say to you?" She looks scared, like my voice is going to whip her or something.  For me, this would be stronger if we knew what the note said. Why hold it back if it’s a part of the world they live in and it really is a threat of some kind? So show us what disturbs her. You can take out some of the description to make room.

"Nothing, Ligia. I mean, he said I should read this if I ever need a home, or a bed, or some parents to look after me. He wasn't like the police. Honest, Ligia."

"He's not the police," I said. "He's something worse. He was trying to con you." I try to make my voice sad and threatening at the same time. "There are people who steal children. They promise to put you on a train and send you out of the city, to a home where someone will love you and take care (snip) I’ve substituted the text from the next page. For me, it tells me more about the trouble these children are in.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Edi

 

The art of book art

Whew, it’s good to be back on schedule after the days and days of being down while Typepad suffered a denial of service attack. Why are there such creeps on the Internet?

We writers spend most of our time working with and on our words, but there comes a time when the work of an artist enters the picture. We Indie authors (the PC term for self-published) can’t usually afford to commission the work of a top artist—but that can’t stop us from appreciating amazing art.

To that end, take a moment to look at examples of Ian Miller's Awe-Inspiring Fantasy/Horror Book Art. I can’t begin to imagine the time and talent it takes to execute images such as these. Enjoy.

Ray

Tweet

© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for RB—would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—only a few left in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

RB sends the first chapter of a novel about golf, Gone to Smash. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold.

(1902)

 The scrawny boy climbed out of bed. He crept in his nightshirt to where a sliver of light showed under the door. He opened it a crack and knelt on the bare, wooden floor. He heard the ticking of the hall clock, the family’s prized possession. A cat yowled in the muddy, trash-strewn alley in back of their red-brick rowhouse. But that wasn’t what had awakened him.

Now the boy heard it -- Alice, his youngest sister, was coughing again. She had been ill with a fever and a cough for two days. He had felt her hot forehead, had pressed a damp washcloth to it. He had felt very old, much older than his ten years; manly and oh-so responsible, but also afraid.

He heard the coughing in the next room, and two voices: a soothing one, Ma, and a deeper one -- too deep to be Da. For a moment, the boy was relieved.

Then he heard a door open and click shut, and the sounds of someone pouring water and washing their hands at the porcelain basin. He watched Ma, sniffling into a handkerchief, walk into the parlor, followed by a man. The room offered a stained couch with sagging springs; two scuffed wooden chairs; a small table that rocked because one leg was shorter than the others. On the wall were two pictures: a portrait of Jesus, and a faded Currier and Ives lithograph of horse-drawn sleighs racing down a winter road.

Ma looked so frail and young, almost girlish, even with the dark smudges below her eyes, (snip)

Clean, clear writing and voice here, but on the story side there’s not much to raise story questions. This opening would be okay with folks who like a leisurely ride, but still, is it compelling enough to turn the page?

More than that, the style keeps us distant from the character and what’s happening. Referring to the anonymous “the boy” distances us and limits making a connection; his name is Johnny, and  he’s a character who takes part later—why not give his name?

The use of filters such as “he heard, he watched” also serve to distance us from the character’s experience. Just give us what he experiences—the hall clock ticked, Alice coughed, etc. And watch out for repetitious use of these filters—“He had felt” occurs two sentences in a row. “He heard” is used three times in close succession.

There are things that keep us from a close third person point of view—he wouldn’t think of himself as “scrawny.”

Finally, while the description is well done, for a first page when we need to attract a reader with what is happening, there’s way too much of it. What I would like to see from RB is this same strong writing but done from within the character’s point of view, a narrative that includes his experiences and emotions of what is happening to him. And then something needs to happen to create story questions. As you’ll see if you read on, there is domestic violence in this home, and the sister has a deadly disease—things that, if we understood how they threatened “the boy,” might get me to turn the page. How about some of that on the first page rather than description?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 RB

Flogometer for Deborah: would you turn the first page?

Well, I’m back up! Typepad, the host for FtQ, has had an intense denial of service attack that knocked everything out since last Thursday. I have three blogs that are still not showing up on Firefox but do appear on IE, but thankfully this one does seem to be back. So I’ll start out with the flogging that should have appeared Friday

Submissions needed—only a few left in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Deborah sends the prologue for a mystery, Family Intrigue. The rest of the prologue continues below the fold.

The approaching storm made it hard to tell whether the distant screams were sounds of anguish or the howling wind rushing through my leaky window. I held my breath trying to decipher the noise when I heard it again. It was unmistakable this time, a man’s pained voice crying, “Nooooo!”

I bolted out of bed and flew down the stairs, out the door, and onto the back porch. I threw my ragged work coat over my nightgown, stepped into my dusty boots, and grabbed a flashlight. The door creaked in protest as I opened it, but I kept it from slamming shut.

The gravel crunching under my feet sounded like firecrackers as I walked down the driveway so I moved onto the grass. There was little moonlight and as I snuck through the apple trees separating our farm from my uncle’s it was hard to see where I was going, but I kept my flashlight turned off. As I approached the old clapboard farmhouse, I heard smashing glass. I ducked low and climbed onto the front porch. Crouching behind the rickety porch swing I peered through the open window.

My pretty aunt Bethany sat in a flowered cotton dress on the sofa looking withered and broken. She was twisting a white handkerchief and tears stained with mascara streamed down her smooth, pale skin. She stared blankly at her China collection being hurled at the walls.

My uncle Henry was the one throwing the glass and moaning. He kicked over a chair and (snip)

For me, there was a strong-enough story question to get me to turn the page—why is he doing that to her china? It has to be serious, I would think. However, there are some clarity and staging issues in the narrative that need to be addressed. Notes:

The approaching storm made it hard to tell whether the distant screams were sounds of anguish or the howling wind rushing through my leaky window. I held my breath, trying to decipher the noise, when I heard it again. It was unmistakable this time, a man’s pained voice crying, “Nooooo!” This first identifies the sounds as screams and then maybe the wind, a little confusing. Maybe something like: The approaching storm made it hard to tell whether it was screams of anguish or the howling wind that rushed through my leaky window. Also, since there are only her house and the farmhouse next door, I think this paragraph should show she knows where the sound is coming from, otherwise why is she motivated to go to the farmhouse next door?

I bolted out of bed and flew down the stairs, out the door, and onto the back porch. I threw my ragged work coat over my nightgown, stepped into my dusty boots, and grabbed a flashlight. The door creaked in protest as I opened it, but I kept it from slamming shut.

The gravel crunching under my feet sounded like firecrackers as I walked down the driveway so I moved onto the grass. There was little moonlight and as I snuck through the apple trees separating our farm from my uncle’s it was hard to see where I was going, but I kept my flashlight turned off. As I approached the old clapboard farmhouse, I heard smashing glass. I ducked low and climbed onto the front porch. Crouching behind the rickety porch swing I peered through the open window. For me, there’s no logic to her keeping the flashlight off. All she knows is a voice that seems pained, so wouldn’t you want to use your light to discover what was going on? Also, she must know where the voice is coming from as she goes directly to the neighboring farmhouse. Also, are there more vocalizations as she goes through the orchard? Also, are the lights on in the house? I first assumed it was dark since she’s keeping her flashlight off so, presumably, it wouldn’t be seen. But for her to see things inside the house a light needs to be on. So that needs to be included in the staging/description here.

My pretty aunt Bethany sat in a flowered cotton dress on the sofa looking withered and broken. She was twisting a white handkerchief, and tears stained with mascara streamed down her smooth, pale skin. She stared blankly at her china China collection being hurled at the walls.

My uncle Henry was the one throwing the glass and moaning. He kicked over a chair and (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Deborah

Flogometer for Stephanie: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—only a couple left in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Stephanie sends the first chapter of The End. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold.

As I walk down the beach on the last day of the Columbus Day weekend, I wonder if am the only one who feels it. Maybe I’m just crazy, but then I see the fear in the eyes of those I pass. Even if they are smiling, it is there, the fear. We all feel it, every person on this planet, but if we don’t talk about it maybe it will just go away. Who would want to be the first to mention it? People would call you crazy, even if in their hearts they know you are right. So we all just keep working and going on as if nothing is wrong, but waiting for it to begin and wondering what will happen when it does.

We are all preparing in our own ways. Some have built bunkers and gathered supplies, some have a contingency plan on paper or maybe just in their head but nothing concrete. Then there are those of us who are in the middle, we don’t have a well supplied bunker but we have a…..stash of things we might need when that day comes and a sort of plan to go with it. We think about how much we will miss things like chocolate bars, wine and coffee and brainstorm about ways to preserve the things we will miss the most. We decide where to go, if leaving is possible and consider the pros and cons of each possible location and what to take with us and what to leave behind. The more pessimistic at heart are checking things off their bucket lists before it’s too late and maybe even devising an exit strategy.

It’s sad really, this thing that should be uniting us is not. It is driving us more and more (snip)

I do like the voice and the writing in this narrative, but I didn’t respond to simply a character musing about two “it”s, the second of which is only implied. The first “it” is the fear that the character says she sees in everyone’s eyes. The second “it” is what they fear—only it is never really defined other than a range of possibilities. This narrative seems more like a prologue to me, and I would like to see, instead, the actual story, the part where something happens to this character that makes her struggle and deal with things. See what you think if you read the rest after the fold.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Stephanie

 

ebook poll and free Donald Maass book

There’s a poll below regarding your use of ebooks, please respond.

Before that, though, I discovered that Kindle users who are enrolled in Amazon Prime can borrow for free most of literary agent Donald Maass’s highly insightful books on writing—Writing 21^st Century Fiction, Writing the Breakout Novel, The Fire in Fiction, and The Breakout Novelist through the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library program. This only works for books read on “Kindle devices,” but it’s a good deal for Amazon Prime members who have them. How to borrow from the program is here.

Now for the poll, please. For my purposes, "ebook reader" includes reading .mobi (Kindle) or .epub (Nook, Kobo, iBook, etc.) ebooks on the devices and/or computer software. Thanks for your help. I may repeat this to sample as many readers as possible.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Tweet

© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Jared: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—only one in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Jared sends the first chapter of  Death Texts. The rest of the chapter continues below the fold.

Bree choked the worn steering wheel of the rusted out ’76 Impala as it shimmied down the fast lane of I-70. Her father snored in the passenger seat. Behind him, lay three briefcases, each with a million dollars stashed inside. Next to them, a shiny insulated canister adorned with yellow and black striped letters that read, “LIQUID NITROGEN.” In her rearview mirror…a cop.

She checked her speedometer. Sixty-seven.

Stay calm.

The cars in the right lane had slowed and bunched—a typical response with a cop nearby. Her turn signal ticked like a grandfather clock as she twisted her face towards the drivers next to her. They ignored her pleas, refusing eye contact.

C’mon, let me over.

Her hands maintained her vice grip, except her thumb. As though it had a will of its own, her left thumb wiggled, bent, then straightened. She shot a glance at her father, Dr. Grant Watkins, and didn’t know whether to be frustrated or relieved he wasn’t awake to see.

Her thumb danced again. No. Not now. Please. Bree stared at it. Be still!  It froze momentarily, then lurched to the side and honked the horn.

Her dad jerked awake. “Wha— What is it?”

Nice clean writing, an immediate scene, a clear character all work in this opening. This came close to being an “almost” for me, but I decided that there was enough of a story question or two to turn the page for more—but a little more. I wasn’t convinced yet. I think that if there could be a greater sense of the stakes the page could be stronger.

For example, if the briefcases were “each with a million dollars of stolen mob cash stashed inside” there would be an increase in possible tension. The presence of the cop behind her could be more fraught, too. There’s little danger she will be pulled over for doing 67, and there’s no reason she can’t slow to 65 even if she can’t get into the right lane. And he doesn’t have his lights on. But the stakes could be increased in a couple of places. For example: Stay calm. In this car, there was no reason the cop would know they were on the run.

And then, perhaps, after she honks the horn have the cop car turn on his lights.

Whatever is done, I think it would be a good idea to find ways to increase the sense of jeopardy in this first page. There is a certain mystery about the thumb, and that’s what probably got me to turn the page, but it doesn’t seem very consequential. A hint of trouble with her body and why she has it would be nice. To make room, the explicit description of the insulated canister could be trimmed down considerably.

The rest of the chapter below the fold.

For what it’s worth.

Comments, please?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Jared

 

Flogometer for Ed: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—no more in the queue after this week.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Ed sends the prologue and first chapter of a mystery/suspense novel, The Invisibles. The rest of the submission continues below the fold.

Prologue

On a perfect summer morning like this, neither Bette Brandmeier nor her twin sister Bertha (known to everyone as Berty) would have changed a thing, except of course the outcome. The sisters, who were both spinsters, had retired together from their teaching positions at the university. Berty held a yellow Melmac bowl while Bette scoured the garden for a few ripe tomatoes. They both wore dresses as their mother and her mother had done. They each sported Wellingtons although it hadn’t rained in over a week. The boots would be taken off at the door and traded in for indoor flats.

“What about that one down there?” Berty pointed hopefully at a particularly large tomato.

“It’s still a little green, Berty. We can do better.”

“They’re only going to be used in the salad.”

“For our friends, Berty. Do you want our friends biting into green tomatoes? What if it was an apple for one of your…?” She stopped in mid sentence as she noticed what she had just stepped in. “Oh, my,” she said, giggling. “At least I know nothing worse can happen today.”

“Oh, no,” said Berty, ignoring her sister. “I have less than seven minutes. Please hurry.”

“You have plenty of time. You have never burned a pie in your life, and as we both know, that’s a very long time.” She looked back toward the house as she scraped her boot on a clump of weeds. A delicate hint of cinnamon and apple floated out to them on the morning breeze, only (snip)

Good voice, good writing—but, for me, too much focus on information and not enough on something happening. The first paragraph dumps information from the author’s point of view, not all of it necessary. For example, if Bertha is known to everyone as Berty, then why not just refer to her as that? What happens here? Two senior ladies are gardening and chatting, one of them steps into something unpleasant, but we don’t know what. I would not have moved on—spoiler alert: something does indeed happen to the ladies, but too late for a first-page hook.

Chapter One

The moment I crested the hill and saw the two guys blocking the bike path, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. This was my first time riding in over a week. The wheels of what my friends affectionately call ‘The Torpedo’ burred across the asphalt in a comforting monotone. The bike was an ancient Schwinn Cruiser that I’d snagged at a yard sale a few years back. It had taken work, but I finally had it the way I wanted it; large soft leather seat and saddlebags, chrome springs on the front and a vintage goose horn on the handlebars to scare frogs. The only thing missing was a baseball card in the spokes.

At this time of the morning, I was usually the only one out here. I heard wild turkeys off in the distance and shortly I’d come upon the frogs croaking in the marsh. I love to glide up to them and then squeeze the bulb on my horn. Shuts them up every time. I’m easily amused.

I’d started the day the way I start most days; coffee to kick-start the old gray matter and some sort of exercise to fight through my arthritis. Some days it was worse than others, but today wasn’t bad. There was a tightness in my left shoulder that I couldn’t seem to work out, but at my age it wasn’t a matter of whether or not I have pain on any given day, it was just a matter of where it would show up. I’d slept fitfully again.

The two guys stood there, lost in conversation, their bikes stretched across both lanes. I was creeping along, which was my normal pace, but I slowed down even more. Any slower and (snip)

Same story here—I do like the voice, but not much in the way of story questions. There’s no hint that the two guys ahead with their bikes are trouble (they are). Some satisfying action comes later, but too late to engage this reader. For me, the first page is primarily set-up with nothing happening except for a guy with arthritis riding a bike. For me, not engaging.

For both of these, Ed, I suggest you start them much closer to the inciting incident, the place where trouble happens. Unless the young woman in the prologue figures in the rest of the story, she could be left out. Start with story, not with set-up, and you will have something here.

(prologue continued, chapter one follows)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Ed

New books from Indie publishers

Hey, if you buy one of these books, let us know how it was--I haven't read them, the information is provided by the authors.

The Fountain of the Earth by H. L. LeRoy

After witnessing the horrific murder of her mother, fifteen-year-old Terra Vonn has a singular focus—exacting revenge on the killers. But before she can complete her plan, savagery intervenes, and she is cast alone into a brutal post-apocalyptic world. As she trails the murderers south—through a land filled with cannibalistic criminals, slave traders, and lunatics—the hunter becomes the hunted. Terra quickly learns that she is not as tough or as brave as she thought she was. Worse, she may be the only one who stands between what little remains of civilization and destruction.

FUTURE TENSE by LJ Cohen

Ten years ago his parents died in a fire he predicted but couldn't prevent. Now seventeen year old Matt tries to stay out of trouble until he ages out of foster care. All he wants is to be left alone so he won't be tortured by someone's future he's powerless to change. But his plans fail when he interrupts an attack on Amara, a girl from his school. Despite his attempts to push her away, he can't ignore their connection. That's when Amara's dangerous future invades the present, giving Matt something to lose again . . . and something to fight for.

 

 

Want your book or featured on FtQ? If you'd like your independently published book featured on the FtQ Indie Bookshelf, email as attachments:

1. a 100-word summary
2. a graphic of the book cover
3. a link where you'd like readers to go

Ray

Tweet

© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Kelsey: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Kelsey sends the first chapter of Shadows.

Bryndis swept the loose hay off the hard packed dirt of the entrance to her family’s home. The sun shone meekly through the clouds like the little rabbit she saw in the bushes in front of the hay stacks. The world was silent.

“Bryn!” Her neighbour Alrik grabbed her waist behind her and she swatted his legs with her broom.

“Have you been down to the village today,” she asked to distract herself from much stronger his arms looked. If she only spoke of mundane things she didn’t get quite so flustered.

Her childhood friend picked up the second broom to help her sweep. “Yes, I brought fish to sell but more importantly,” he paused for effect and raised his eyebrows, “there are traders coming from the south in less than a week’s time.”

“Do we know what they’re bringing? I don’t know why they would come here, the village provides for itself.”

Alrik leaned against a wooden beam and sighed. “Trade isn’t just about need. Don’t you want to see how other people live? There must be so much out there that is more wonderful and beautiful that our little farms and village.”

Bryn tapped her fingers on her broom. “I have to get back to work. I will be at the village in a day or two for some fish.” She reached out her other hand and took Alrik’s broom. A large (snip)

It’s good to open with something happening, and there’s a firm grasp of the world and characters. But what does happen? A woman/girl sweeps a floor and her neighbor comes over—set-up. For me, there were no story questions raised. While there are traders coming, that’s days away. For my money, start later, after the traders have come and she sneaks out of her home to run away with Alrik to go with the traders. That’s when the story begins. Notes:

Bryndis swept the loose hay off the hard-packed dirt of the entrance to her family’s home. The sun shone meekly through the clouds like the little rabbit she saw in the bushes in front of the hay stacks. The world was silent. “she saw” is a little filter that distances the reader, not needed

“Bryn!” Her neighbour Alrik grabbed her waist from behind her and she swatted her neighbor’s his legs with her broom. proofread before submtting works to avoid missing words

“Have you been down to the village today?” she asked to distract herself from how much stronger his arms looked. If she only spoke of mundane things she didn’t get quite so flustered. stronger than what? her arms? proofread before submtting works to avoid missing words and incorrect punctuation (the missing "?")

Her childhood friend picked up the second broom to help her sweep. “Yes, I brought fish to sell but more importantly,” he paused for effect and raised his eyebrows, “there are traders coming from the south in less than a week’s time.” the reference to a childhood friend is a bit forced. Look for a place later to weave in more naturally. Note that there's no need to tell the reader that there's a pause when just showing the raised eyebrows creates a natural pause.

“Do we know what they’re bringing? I don’t know why they would come here, the village provides for itself.”

Alrik leaned against a wooden beam and sighed. “Trade isn’t just about need. Don’t you want to see how other people live? There must be so much out there that is more wonderful and beautiful that our little farms and village.”

Bryn tapped her fingers on her broom. “I have to get back to work. I will be at the village in a day or two for some fish.” She reached out her other hand and took Alrik’s broom. A large (snip) Why would she go to the village for fish when Alrick, right next door, has fish to sell? A logic problem.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Kelsey