The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Submissions wanted.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
Theresa sends the first chapter of She Slid Off Her Cracker. No permission to share the full chapter.
John bolted up the stairs to the lobby of The Lakes Condominiums. His hands were shaking badly as he reached the lobby door to insert the key. He ran up the three flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator to the condominium. Louise had asked him to meet her at their rental property because she wanted to show him something. Her voice sounded shaky and strange on the phone when he spoke to her and it made him feel uneasy during the drive over. “What if she knew?” However, he dismissed the thought by the time he arrived at the building. He reached into his pocket for the keys to the door, pulled out the ring then curses. The door key is missing. He starts patting the pockets on his jacket and pants for the missing key, thinking it may have fallen off.
He begins knocking on the door but no one answers. “Maybe she’s not here yet,” he muttered to himself aloud. He puts his ear to the door and detects the faint sound of music coming from inside. He starts pounding hard on the door shouting, “Louise I know you’re in there open this damn door!” What the hell is the matter with her? Is she deaf or just playing with his head, John thought? He listens at the door again, waiting to hear if his wife is coming to the door, but all he hears is the muffled sound of the music playing in the background.
He raised his leg thinking he will kick the door down, as he saw done on Cops. He leans back a little to brace himself for the impact, and then midway he realizes the door is made of (snip)
Well, this does open with action and tension in the character. There’s a little bit of a story question in “What if she knew?” but, since we don’t know what he’s thinking of, it doesn’t have much power. If the narrative revealed that he’s thinking of an affair he had, the tension level would br stronger. For me, there's not enough in the story. The writing needs work, too—there’s some overwriting, change of tenses, and things that need to be worked on. I read on and, while things do get interesting, the writing stays the same—not ready for submission yet. But there’s a story here, so keep working on it. Notes:
John bolted up the stairs to the lobby of The Lakes Condominiums. His hands were shaking badly as he reached the lobby door to insert the key. He ran up the three flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator to the condominium. Louise had asked him to meet her at their rental property because she wanted to show him something. Her voice had sounded shaky and strange on the phone when he spoke to her and it had made him feel uneasy during the drive over. “What if she knew?” However, he dismissed the thought by the time he arrived at the building. He reached into his pocket for the keys to the door, pulled out the his key ring and then curses. The door key is missing. He starts patting the pockets on his jacket and pants for the missing key, thinking it may have fallen off. Running up stairs and then running up stairs seems repetitive to me—cut to the chase. Telling us he reaches into his pocket is overwriting—just have him pull the keys out. I cut the part about patting for the key as I’ve never had a key come off of a key ring and it doesn’t seem plausible that he would think that.
He begins knocking knocks on the door but no one answers. “Maybe she’s not here yet,” he mutters muttered to himself aloud. He puts his ear to the door and hears detects the faint sound of music coming from inside. He starts pounding hard pounds on the door and shouts shouting, “Louise, I know you’re in there, open this damn door!” What the hell is the matter with her? Is she deaf or just playing with his head, John thought? He listens at the door again, waiting to hear if his wife is coming to the door, but all he hears is the muffled sound of the music playing in the background.There’s no point in having him listen again—since nothing happens, it just slows the story.
He raised raises his leg, thinking he will kick the door down, as he saw done on Cops. He leans back a little to brace himself for the impact, and then midway he realizes the door is made of (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Theresa