Submissions wanted.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Kelsey sends the first chapter of Shadows.
Bryndis swept the loose hay off the hard packed dirt of the entrance to her family’s home. The sun shone meekly through the clouds like the little rabbit she saw in the bushes in front of the hay stacks. The world was silent.
“Bryn!” Her neighbour Alrik grabbed her waist behind her and she swatted his legs with her broom.
“Have you been down to the village today,” she asked to distract herself from much stronger his arms looked. If she only spoke of mundane things she didn’t get quite so flustered.
Her childhood friend picked up the second broom to help her sweep. “Yes, I brought fish to sell but more importantly,” he paused for effect and raised his eyebrows, “there are traders coming from the south in less than a week’s time.”
“Do we know what they’re bringing? I don’t know why they would come here, the village provides for itself.”
Alrik leaned against a wooden beam and sighed. “Trade isn’t just about need. Don’t you want to see how other people live? There must be so much out there that is more wonderful and beautiful that our little farms and village.”
Bryn tapped her fingers on her broom. “I have to get back to work. I will be at the village in a day or two for some fish.” She reached out her other hand and took Alrik’s broom. A large (snip)
It’s good to open with something happening, and there’s a firm grasp of the world and characters. But what does happen? A woman/girl sweeps a floor and her neighbor comes over—set-up. For me, there were no story questions raised. While there are traders coming, that’s days away. For my money, start later, after the traders have come and she sneaks out of her home to run away with Alrik to go with the traders. That’s when the story begins. Notes:
Bryndis swept the loose hay off the hard-packed dirt of the entrance to her family’s home. The sun shone meekly through the clouds like the little rabbit she saw in the bushes in front of the hay stacks. The world was silent. “she saw” is a little filter that distances the reader, not needed
“Bryn!” Her neighbour Alrik grabbed her waist from behind her and she swatted her neighbor’s his legs with her broom. proofread before submtting works to avoid missing words
“Have you been down to the village today?” she asked to distract herself from how much stronger his arms looked. If she only spoke of mundane things she didn’t get quite so flustered. stronger than what? her arms? proofread before submtting works to avoid missing words and incorrect punctuation (the missing "?")
Her childhood friend picked up the second broom to help her sweep. “Yes, I brought fish to sell but more importantly,” he paused for effect and raised his eyebrows, “there are traders coming from the south in less than a week’s time.” the reference to a childhood friend is a bit forced. Look for a place later to weave in more naturally. Note that there's no need to tell the reader that there's a pause when just showing the raised eyebrows creates a natural pause.
“Do we know what they’re bringing? I don’t know why they would come here, the village provides for itself.”
Alrik leaned against a wooden beam and sighed. “Trade isn’t just about need. Don’t you want to see how other people live? There must be so much out there that is more wonderful and beautiful that our little farms and village.”
Bryn tapped her fingers on her broom. “I have to get back to work. I will be at the village in a day or two for some fish.” She reached out her other hand and took Alrik’s broom. A large (snip) Why would she go to the village for fish when Alrick, right next door, has fish to sell? A logic problem.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Kelsey