Over at Huffpost is an article on “This Spring’s Hottest Teen Books.” There are a number of YA writers who submit to FtQ and, I suspect, a number who also read YA novels—I’m one of them. I enjoyed The Hunger Games and then the Divergent series.
These new books are not all dystopian fiction—the range is wide, from dragons to humor, from sports to dystopian worlds. To quote from the article:
A devastating tale of greed and secrets, a weirdly compelling novel about the end of the world (and voracious giant praying mantises) and a novel about a brutal game called Panic that teens play for a chance to escape their dead-end town. They are all among the most talked-about teen novels being released this spring (and they’re all really well-written, to boot—most of these books have received the coveted Kirkus star).
I, for one, will be checking out the reviews that are linked from the slide show.
CALL FOR INDIE BOOKS
Want to promote your book or books on FtQ? I'd like to start a new Monday FtQ feature, the FtQ Indie Bookshelf--ebooks and print books welcome. If you'd like your independently published book featured, email as attachments:
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Nishita sends the first chapter ofPerfect Mate. No permission to share the full chapter.
‘He is not coming beta….it is time to go home’ said Mrs. Shah. Neha heard her mother’s soothing voice but couldn’t believe the words. She sat hunched on a chair with a red velvet cushion; the makeup painstakingly applied by the ladies at Heena Salon so resilient to hours of sweat had ultimately lost its battle to a constant stream of tears. Most of the guests had left after some internal wrangling over the protocols of dining at a wedding that didn’t happen. It had started pouring outside now. The rain hit the roof with a sharp rat-tat-tat. Like a bunker under attack.
Earlier that day, Neha and her parents sat cross-legged around a pious fire on a wooden mandap supported by four pillars draped in red chiffon at the center of ShreeJee Hall for the pooja ceremony. This was the fifth pooja of the morning by her last estimation. Neha’s father had proposed an abbreviated version, but Mrs. Shah wouldn’t hear any of it. So they listened dutifully as the pandit recited chants to appease the planets. Most people had a family doctor; the Shah’s had a family priest. Mahesh Bhai had officiated at the weddings of the previous three generations of their clan. Her husband’s suggestions of procuring someone with a cheaper rate were vehemently opposed by Mrs. Shah. ‘His presence is so lucky for us. See how everyone in our family has had successful marriages. My sister tried to act smart by getting a new fellow for her daughter and see what happened… divorce in a year!’ Now as Neha watched the elderly Mahesh Bhai wheeze from the smoke and cover his coughs with a trembling hand, she hoped enough of his luck would rub off on him to not leave in a stretcher.
Yes, the narrative slips into backstory in the second paragraph, but a couple of things balance that ordinarily not-effective practice. The first is the—for this American reader—exotic world and culture that I was being invited into. The second was the last line on the page, the one about luck rubbing off so he would not leave in a stretcher—it promised a voice and an underlying sense of humor. So I was willing to give it a little more time. Notes:
‘He is not coming beta….it is time to go home’ said Mrs. Shah. Neha heard her mother’s soothing voice but couldn’t believe the words. She sat hunched on a chair with a red velvet cushion; the makeup painstakingly applied by the ladies at Heena Salon so resilient to hours of sweat had ultimately lost its battle to a constant stream of tears. Most of the guests had left after some internal wrangling over the protocols of dining at a wedding that didn’t happen. It had started pouring outside now. The rain hit the roof with a sharp rat-tat-tat. Like a bunker under attack.I didn’t know what to make of “beta.” Didn’t communicate anything to me. I think you mean “resistant” rather than “resilient.”
Earlier that day, Neha and her parents had sat cross-legged around a pious fire on a wooden mandap supported by four pillars draped in red chiffon at the center of ShreeJee Hall for the pooja ceremony. This was the fifth pooja of the morning by her last estimation. Neha’s father had proposed an abbreviated version, but Mrs. Shah wouldn’t hear any of it. So they listened dutifully as the pandit recited chants to appease the planets. Most people had a family doctor; the Shahs had a family priest. Mahesh Bhai had officiated at the weddings of the previous three generations of their clan. Her husband’s suggestions of procuring someone with a cheaper rate were vehemently opposed by Mrs. Shah. ‘His presence is so lucky for us. See how everyone in our family has had successful marriages. My sister tried to act smart by getting a new fellow for her daughter and see what happened… divorce in a year!’ Now, as Neha watched the elderly Mahesh Bhai wheeze from the smoke and cover his coughs with a trembling hand, she hoped enough of his luck would rub off on him to not leave in a stretcher.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Holly sends a short story, The Decapitation of Roxy Wolff. The story continues after the fold.
The piano bar was a few blocks south of Hollywood Boulevard, on Fairfax and Fountain. Dark and intimate, with overstuffed dark green booths and a mahogany bar, it was the favorite of movie mucky-mucks. Those who wanted to show off, the Flynn’s, Ava’s, and Lana’s were all down on Sunset at the Mocambo. The ones who wanted a quiet drink were here. As I stepped through the door, a short man with gray hair combed straight back and wire framed glasses brushed past me.
“Louie,” I said.
He nodded. “Krag.”
It was Louie of the MGM Louie’s. I’d helped one of his major female stars out of more than a sticky situation. Most of us don’t mind waking up on top of a starlet once in a while. But his star had awakened on top of one of the dead kind. Then she ran naked out of the Chateau Marmont onto Sunset Boulevard. Since movie stars, lesbians, and the scandal magazines could be career ending, I was the one Louie called after the police picked her up. After fixing it, I felt he owed me one for sure. Eventually, I was going to collect.
Me? I was there to meet an old friend. An executive at Fox, she had been accused of murdering a screenwriter in a particularly gruesome fashion. Unfortunately, the news I had to give her was bad, very bad.
Okay, with a last line on the page like that, how could you not turn the page? Nicely done, Holly. I might tinker with punctuation and the opening chapter a little, but it’s nit-picky stuff. The story continues after the break. Comments help the writer.
I came across an interesting Huffpost post by Karen Dionne titled "When Characters Talk, Writers Listen." What was interesting about is that Karen wrote her first two novels by plotting first, and then creating chracters to fit the situation.
But then a character came to her, appearing in her mind, talking to her, telling her a story. Now Karen is writing a new novel that begins with the character and discovers the story from there. She quotes from Sandra Kring, author of five novels including the bestselling The Book of Bright Ideas:
I really do believe that when we hear our characters speaking to us... when we sit down and the story comes in an effortless flow, it simply means that our right brain has taken over the task completely. I can always tell which books have been written by someone's right brain, or left brain, or if it was a co-effort. Those written from the subconscious have a different feel to them. A flow that feels organic. Effortless.
I call this the "writer's mind" -- that magical place in the subconscious where our creative ideas, our stories, come from.
There's more food for thought. I recommend a visit.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Patricia sends the first chapter of a novel, Dimming the Flame. The chapter continues after the fold.
Coulter’s footsteps barely made a sound on the hardwood floor. Diana heard him pull back the sheet and felt the bed tilt downward. She turned over, spooned her body around him, and draped her arm over his waist, breathing in his freshly showered scent of Axe body gel. She slid her fingers through the thick hair on his chest, then caressed him just below the navel, moving her hand slowly downward.
His exhalation of breath was loud enough to tell her what she didn’t want to hear - again.
“Hard night, honey?” Diana slid her hand a few inches lower, just in case. Maybe she’d read him wrong. Maybe she’d heard him sigh. Maybe it was a sexual moan, a release of tension. She could hope, couldn’t she? That today would be different. That this morning he’d turn over and look at her the way he used to. How long had it been since that had happened?
“Don’t,” he mumbled.
One hurtful word that hung in the air like a sour description of their current sex life.
“Ohhh,” she breathed out in one elongated syllable.
She kept telling herself he was tired. But every single time?
That she should stop trying. But he was her husband.
That she should just wait for him to initiate sex. But it had been months.
She’d been shrugging it off and shrugging it off. Chalking it up to exhaustion, bad timing, (snip)
Clean writing, good voice, an immediate scene, immediate conflict, immediate problems in a relationship—all good. I think the opening paragraph could be crisper, but the page worked to get me to turn it. A few notes:
Coulter’s footsteps barely made a sound on the hardwood floor. Diana turned over whenhe pulled back the sheet and thenfeltthe bed tilteddownward. She turned over, spooned her body around him and draped her arm over his waist, breathing in his freshly showered scent of Axe body gel. She slid her fingers through the thick hair on his chest, then caressed him just below the navel, moving her hand slowly downward. A wee bit of filtering (heard, felt). It always distracts me when a brand name is mentioned—why?
His exhalation of breath was loud enough to tell her what she didn’t want to hear - again. I wonder if "sigh" would give a quicker, clearer sense of what's happening than "exhalation"
“Hard night, honey?” Diana slid her hand a few inches lower, just in case. Maybe she’d read him wrong. Maybe she’d heard him sigh. Maybe it was a sexual moan, a release of tension. She could hope, couldn’t she? That today would be different. That this morning he’d turn over and look at her the way he used to. How long had it been since that had happened?
“Don’t,” he mumbled.
One hurtful word that hung in the air like a sour description of their current sex life.
“Ohhh,” she breathed out in one elongated syllable.
She kept telling herself he was tired. But every single time?
That she should stop trying. But he was her husband.
That she should just wait for him to initiate sex. But it had been months.
She’d been shrugging it off and shrugging it off. Chalking it up to exhaustion, bad timing, (snip)
The rest of the chapter follows the break. If you read it, remember that comments help the writer.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Deborah sends a prologue & first chapter of a YA novel, Vision.
Prologue
Eight Years Ago
The weary moan of an ancient floorboard jolted us awake. We rushed to our daughter, hopefully snoozing soundly and not perilously sleepwalking as she had so often before. When we reached her doorway and saw the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest and her long lashes dusting the cheeks of her cherubic face we relaxed-until noise stabbed through the brief quiet of a lull in the raging storm. An intruder was stealthily opening drawers and cabinets downstairs.
“I’m getting my gun”, I declared to my wife Lara who was huddled next to me with our daughter Shelby, now awake and taking cover behind the legion of fluffy stuffed animals shielding her bed. My Glock 17 sidearm was, as usual when I was home, locked in my biometric gun safe in the master bedroom. Jackhammer heavy rain pounded the concrete moat surrounding our normally safe brownstone.
I knew from experience, someone brazen enough to come into an occupied house in the middle of the night would have no difficulty killing. I silently berated myself for not having the foresight to grab my weapon when we first heard the noise. I should’ve known better.
“Jack, please don’t”, Lara said clutching my pajama shirt sleeve. “What if they hear you? Maybe they think we aren’t home and they’ll take what they want and leave.” Lara was sitting on her knees, her pale bare feet tucked under her small frame, her long, silky, chocolate colored hair pulled back into a ponytail for sleeping.
First Chapter
“Shelby, can you come down here please? We have some news!” My mother’s soprano voice vibrated with unconcealed excitement as she summoned me. I apathetically tossed my trigonometry homework down on my bed, and ambled down the steep, wooden stairs to where she and her boyfriend Michael were standing as one in the living room, shoulders touching, their fingers tightly intertwined. My mother wasn’t generally prone to theatrics, so I didn’t know what to expect.
“So, how was your day?” she practically sang as I reached the last step. Her blue eyes twinkled with a percolating secret about to bubble over.
“Seriously? I thought you had something to tell me?” I said as I assumed my most unaffected pose, leaning against the creaky old walnut banister. Both my hands were tucked into the front pocket of the fuzzy purple fleece that was working hard to keep me warm on this blustery January day.
Rather than roll her eyes at my teenage nonchalance as she normally would, she looked up at Michael, her junior by eleven years and flashed a toothy white smile. She turned back to me, holding her breath for effect for just a moment before thrusting her polished hand at me like a queen waiting for a kiss. On her delicate finger, she wore a beautiful square cut diamond ring, guarded with an army of glistening, blood-red rubies.
In terms of story questions, I thought that the prologue had a chance—it’s an active scene, there is jeopardy ahead, and a nice family. The chapter opening, in terms of story, didn’t rise to the level of compelling—or, really, very interesting. We can deduce what is happening, but there’s no reason to think that an engagement ring creates a problem for the protagonist.
While there’s promise here, I felt that the writing hasn’t reached a publishable level yet, and that stayed my hand. There is overwriting and a lack of crispness that foreshadows an uneven read that will bog down now and then. I felt that there was an overuse of adjectives to describe, and that continued in the narrative that followed.
So keep at it, Deborah, but trim it down to the essence and keep the story moving. You do that well in the rest of the prologue, but the chapter soon became a lot of exposition and set-up. Get to the story.
In a comment on a recent flogging, someone wrote "I hated the first sentence."
DON'T DO THAT!
I posted the following reply to this person's comment, but I feel that I need to share it to remind folks and tell newcomers what the "rules" are.
The basic rule is to never say these words: "I don't like (or, worse, hate) . . . " when critiquing. As I said in my reply to the commenter, that makes it personal and isn't helpful. Instead, say something like "That doesn't work for me because . . ."
Tell the truth, but constructively, and keep in mind that you're talking to a person, a stranger, who has invested time and talent and courage to create and submit their work.
You'll see the many keynote speakers, the opening night party, classes in session, the Fiesta party with its dancers and fireworks, and shots of the experience of the conference on the lovely grounds. I'm in this at about 4:54, a brief moment of a consultation session with a writer.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Bethany sends a revised first chapter of a YA novel, Beauty, the Beast, and the Brother. The chapter continues after the fold.
If you had the misfortune of being the second born son of a king, life held very little promise of being interesting.
Everyone knew it was your brother, destined by fate to be king, who would play the leading role in all future tales. If there was a dragon threatening the realm, he would be the one to slay it. If a damsel needed rescuing, he would fly to her aid. Should evil forces loom, he would selflessly sacrifice himself for the good of people—and come out looking all the better for it.
Despite all this, Sebastian had always felt he had a pretty fair chance at an interesting life, being the youngest son and an orphan on top of that, until Lumpin pointed out that younger brothers only led interesting lives so long as their older brothers led dull ones and Anton had already gotten himself cursed and that pretty much ruined whatever chance Sebastian’s being an orphan had given him.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if the world had not gotten considerably less interesting in the years since Anton’s curse. No one was speaking of wizards with any frequency—and the ones that did get dragged into conversation were almost always in conjecture with Medicinal Remedies for Warts. The Gilded Fairy who had been so keen on cursing the prince and ruining the lives of everyone else in the vicinity had apparently traded her wand for knitting needles, as she regularly failed to turn up in any of the most popular posts. And magic—real, useful (snip)
The writing is good and the voice strong and interesting, and this is clearly a world of magic that will be explored with a wry, tongue-in-cheek tone . . . on the other hand, this is also clearly an info-dump, the writer giving us a fairly complete telling of the world of the story. It continues, too, as the chapter goes on. There is an encounter with ruffians that contains conflict, but none of it seems related to the story, though I’m not sure of that because I ended the chapter approximately 4000 words later not knowing what the story was about. It follows the fold, and you’ll find humor, voice, and fun writing. I suggest that Bethany start her story much closer to the inciting incident and weave in all this world-building stuff while something meaningful and troublesome happens to the protagonist. No page turn from me, but I would like to see an opening that drops me into the story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
The rest of the chapter follows--comments help the writer.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directionsfor submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Christina sends a revised first chapter of aYA novel, Aftermath: The Last Ginger. The first round is here (scroll down, there's a prologue). There was no permission to continue the chapter, so this is it.
Erica and I are already hiding in the bushes when the States attack the City.
I swear I didn't know it was going to happen. We aren't hiding from the States on purpose; we aren't even hiding from the policer. Although he might have some other impression of the situation.
She's so upset after the exam she starts hyperventilating on our walk home. It's ugly and I want to ditch her, but that’s against the Law of Courtesy. Instead I pull her into our elderberry bushes, which we claim when there's something to talk about. We can sit next to where the river disappears down a long tunnel under the south wall without being seen; the bushes stay tall and leafy until at least October.
I kneel in the mulch, not caring that my skirt rides up to my thighs, not checking for dirt or insects.
“I – That was stressful,” she stammers, red-faced.
I almost hug her – anything to get the frail look off her face – but catch myself. Once I picked a leaf from her hair without asking permission and she smacked my hand. “It sucked.”
“City help me if I get a laborer,” Erica bursts, then claps her hand over her mouth to contain any further incriminating words. “If I don’t get Cameron I don’t know what I’ll do.”
She could tell me she wanted to fly for the reaction I’d give her, except maybe to slip her a thermometer. Maybe I should check for a fever, because no one should want to marry Cameron, (snip)
Well, I did appreciate starting with an immediate scene, and the voice and writing (except for tense) is fine. But we start with something happening in the now and then, in the second paragraph, go to then. The flashback is used to set up the world instead of giving us the story, though I appreciate that a character is distressed—but we don’t know the consequences of failing whatever the “exam” is. And slipping into a flashback necessitates switching to past tense, the way I see it. As mentioned below, I think it would have been stronger to continue with what happens with the attack and then weave this part in later. I voted no, though this world was interesting. Notes:
Erica and I are already hiding in the bushes when the States attack the City. Good teaser opening line. But I think it might have been better to continue with the attack than flash back in time a little bit to set things up.
I swear I didn't knowhadn’t known it was going to happen. We aren'tweren’t hiding from the States on purpose; we aren'tweren’t even hiding from the policer. Although he might have had some other impression of the situation. Clarity issue: who/what is the “policer?” He appears on the scene on the next page, but he isn’t there yet and she can’t know about him because she’s hiding. Technically, since this paragraph and what follows is a flashback to the time before the attack, they should be in past tense.
She'swas so upset after the exam she starts started hyperventilating on our walk home. It'swas ugly and I wanted to ditch her, but that’swas against the Law of Courtesy. Instead I pulled her into our elderberry bushes, which we claimed when there'swas something to talk about. We can sit next to where the river disappears down a long tunnel under the south wall without being seen; the bushes stay tall and leafy until at least October. Information issue: what is “the exam?” This is so generic it doesn’t mean anything. Is it a school subject exam? Then say “math” or whatever it is. If it’s a social exam of some sort that categorizes young women or evaluates their position or worth in this society, give us a clue. Otherwise we have no idea why she might be upset. Let us know why, too. What are the consequences if she/they don’t do well on “the exam?” Did the narrator also take the exam? Is she worried? I do like the reference to the “Law of Courtesy” to help set up the world.
I kneel knelt in the mulch, not caring that my skirt rides rode up to my thighs, not checking for dirt or insects.
“I – That was stressful,” she stammers stammered, red-faced.
I almost hugged her – anything to get the frail look off her face – but catch caught myself. Once I picked a leaf from her hair without asking permission and she smacked my hand. “It sucked.”
“City help me if I get a laborer,” Erica bursts burst, then claps clapped her hand over her mouth to contain any further incriminating words. “If I don’t get Cameron I don’t know what I’ll do.” The notion of “getting a laborer” hints at what the exam was. While I think it’s a good thing to weave the nature of the world into the story, I think a clue earlier would give this more meaning and impact.
She could tell me she wanted to fly for the reaction I’d thought to give her, except maybe to slip her a thermometer. Maybe I shouldhave checked for a fever, because no one should want to marry Cameron, (snip) Clarity issue: I’m sorry, but I have no idea what is meant by “tell me she wanted to fly”. Flee? And I don’t know what the reaction the narrator would, but apparently doesn’t, give her.