Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Vaughn: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Vaughn sends a new first chapter of Distopia. The rest of the chapter is after the fold.

Citizen Sub-Commander Andrei Morozov paced the bridge of the ship, its heart pounding. Long years of covert planning had gone into this moment, and it could not believe that this day, indeed this hour, had finally arrived.

The Sub-commander looked around the bridge, running through the list of things that had to be in place for the plan to work. Its official superior, the Commander, was holding the attention of the Citizen Chief Political Officer for the fleet through the ruse of a briefing. Other political officers were being distracted through certain activities including the one that most Citizens preferred to do in private, despite the continuous exhortations of the public service vids.

After glancing at one of its assistants for confirmation that all was in readiness Morozov took a deep breath and announced, “Citizen Junior Officer Suparon, please sound the Red Alert,” starling that officer and many of its fellows.

The junior officer quickly opened the cover and pushed the red button. Then Morozov calmly keyed the intercom. “Citizen soldiers. This is a drill. All personnel proceed to your battle stations, lock all interior compartments and remain there until further instructions.”

To those not involved, it appeared to be another drill, oddly scheduled. To those in the know, it was a signal. The signal. The rebellion had begun.

The quirky use of “it” instead of “he” is part of what seems to be a sure hand on the world that’s being created. And the last line on the page had me wondering what would happen next. Notes:

Citizen Sub-Commander Andrei Morozov paced the bridge of the ship, its heart pounding. Long years of covert planning had gone into this moment, and it could not believe that this day, indeed this hour, had finally arrived. The reference to a person as an “it” is an interesting sign of the different nature of this world. However, the antecedent used here seems to be the bridge of the ship, not the person. I would begin the sentence with “Its heart pounding, …”

The Sub-commander sub-commander looked around the bridge, running through the list of things that had to be in place for the plan to work. Its official superior, the commander Commander, was holding the attention of the citizen chief political officer Citizen Chief Political Officer for the fleet through the ruse of a briefing. Other political officers were being distracted through certain activities, including the one that most citizens Citizens preferred to do in private, despite the continuous exhortations of the public service vids. This reference to an unnamed “activity” didn’t work for me because, essentially, it told me nothing. If the “activity” is sex, then I don’t get why public service vids apparently exhort citizens to do it in public rather than private. Both a clarity issue and a relevance issue. The capitalizations used may be necessary and can be a style option, but I would opt for the lower case shown. It's proper to caitalize them when it's a title or rank used with a name, but not in a reference to that person without the name.

After glancing at one of its assistants for confirmation that all was in readiness, Morozov took a deep breath and announced, “Citizen Junior Officer Suparon, please sound the Red Alert,” starling startling that officer and many of its fellows. For me the first line didn’t seem to contribute anything since the person referred to is anonymous.

The junior officer quickly opened the cover and pushed the red button. Then Morozov calmly keyed the intercom. “Citizen soldiers. This is a drill. All personnel proceed to your battle stations, lock all interior compartments and remain there until further instructions.”

To those not involved, it appeared to be another drill, oddly scheduled. To those in the know, it was a signal. The signal. The rebellion had begun. This is a good hook.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

The rest of the chapter follows.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Vaughn

Flogometer for Russell: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Russell sends the first chapter of Take a Lemon. The rest of the chapter follows the first page.

“So what’s the difference between a dream and a fantasy?”

My roommate Geoff and I had been taking a break from studying for our Organic Chemistry midterm - there’s only so long you can stare at diagrams for Grignard reactions, after all, and we were just kicking back and playing with ideas. Mike and Rajiv had already left on break, but we were stuck at school until the exam on Friday.

So we’d just spent the evening debating things that had nothing to do with science. We had eventually decided that a fantasy was something good you invented, hoping it would happen – a case in point being my current yearning for Lee Ann Thomas. She had definitely seemed interested, and while I’d heard that she’d been seeing the same guy for three years, her friend Chandra had assured me that he was about to be history. Then I’d have my chance.

A dream, on the other hand, was something your subconscious created, mixing all the things you’d been worrying about or thinking about while you were awake. It might be pleasant, it might be uncomfortable, it might be meaningless, or a way of solving complex problems – if you could just decipher it, since dreams don’t have to make any sense at all.

Which would explain why I was eating breakfast this morning with Mom and my sister Tina… and wearing a dress.

It was kind of a conservative dress, the same type Tina was wearing, halfway down my (snip)

Good writing and voice here, but I found I wasn’t all that interested in a discussion of fantasy versus dream, and then the implication is that the eating breakfast in a dress was a dream. I wasn’t interested in a dream, so I didn’t turn the page. I don’t really have any nitpicks on the writing, it’s just fine.

HOWEVER . . . the rest of the chapter (linked below the directions for submission) reads as though it is NOT a dream. The character keeps thinking it is, but the narrative ends up with this possibly being the result of a time travel experiment and “he” is now a “she” version of himself. I say possibly because it’s not clear—and, if as the premise states, he is now a she because of a change in DNA causing him to now be a her, it seems to me that there’s a logic flaw: if a time-travel change in DNA caused him to grow up as a her, then the thoughts would be hers, and being a woman would be totally normal. Scroll down to the continuation link and see for yourself, and give Russell your thoughts.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Russell

 

Non-fiction book design for Edenton, NC

I work with authors of non-fiction books as well as fiction and memoir, and one of the most interesting is this one for the Edenton Historical Commission. Edenton is in North Carolina, and the Commission and author Troy Kickler, PhD., created a book about the impact Edenton and its residents had on American revolutionary times.

The Commission had done their homework and provided me with 24 images of people and documents from the era for inclusion in the book. They also had clear ideas of which “trouble makers” they wanted featured on the cover. I chose a font that looked “period” to me and did some arranging. They also wanted both a paperback and a hard cover copy with a dust jacket, which are fairly different design challenges. Click the image for a larger view of the front cover.

The interior they wanted was much different than a straight-forward novel or memoir—they wanted two columns to enable the inclusion of brief factiods and images in the outer column. They also included endnotes in their Word document, which—luckily for me—translated into the InDesign program I use for design. Click the image for a larger look.

It was fun to work on this book, and it’s a fun book to read. If you’re interested in colonial history, it’s available on Amazon in paperback, hard cover, and Kindle.

Ray

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© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Carolyn: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Carolyn sends the first chapter of Deadly.

It's a law of nature that sooner or later my older sister will hook up with another handsome psycho who's totally out to do harm, and I'll have to break them up.

"His name is Geoffrey Whittington, the Third, and he's one of the richest men in town," Cort, short for Cortland, pulls her straw hat down over her golden curls.

School's out for the summer and we're dragging our butts through the 93-degree deserted woods by Donner Woods Road, picking berries for one of Mom's famous pies.

I yank my shirt off and tie it around the waist of my two-piece bathing suit. "Sheesh. How many times do I have to tell you this? I don't care if his name is Geoffrey Whittington, the Fourteenth. You have to stop choosing boyfriends based on their bank accounts. Check out their criminal records first."

Cort stops picking berries. Her sappy smile and dewy eyes tell me she's a goner already. Case closed.

She stands in the shade of a cottonwood tree like a movie star. In that white sundress, with the late afternoon sun shining down through the leaves, she looks almost angelic. Of course, she's not, and I get a weird premonition that we're both in for danger with this guy around.

On second thought, I'm not going to let this case get closed so easily. I just have to figure a way to get her attention.

I like the voice—it’s natural and confident. The scene is set pretty well, and two characters introduced. But where are the story questions, at least any with some consequences to the protagonist? The only story questions here relate to how the sisters deal with the older sister’s boyfriend. No turn of the page for me.

However . . .

I looked later into the chapter and found material much more likely to raise a story question strong enough to get me to turn the page. With a little trimming, here’s an alternate opening taken from later. A poll follows.

As I run to the edge of our tiny South Carolina river and kick off my flip flops, Cort calls to me: "Cameo! Don't jump."

So like my older sis to get everything totally wrong. After squirming out of my jean cutoffs, I push back my messy brown hair, suck in my gut, and pretend my sixteen-year-old figure's as good as my sister's. It's depressing that she's like a size one, while I'm the one who's always dieting.

"It's okay," I tell her. "I know where the rocks are." I can almost taste that cool water and feel it washing over my parched body. I dive deep into the river.

 A luscious wetness covers and soothes me until something large swims in my direction. The pitch- black water makes it impossible to see what it is. Something in my gut warns me whatever it is isn't friendly, and I swing into a fast breast stroke in the other direction.

The water below my feet sends chills up my body. A rough current tumbles me along the river bottom into a sunken tree. Something large bumps into my leg. Oh God, alligators live here.

My inner compass is totally screwed up now, giving me no idea of which way to swim to find Cort. Adrenaline rushes through my body and I battle up from the muddy river bottom.

Something grabs my legs from behind.

To turn the page, scroll down past directions for submitting for a link to the rest of the chapter.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Carolyn

Flogometer for Kevin: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Kevin sends the first chapter of Control of Divergence. You will be able to continue reading the rest of the chapter if you want to turn the page.

Lydia looked around in horror. Would she have to kill them all?

Seven men and two women were pointing guns at her. Hard as it was to tear her attention away from the guns themselves, she knew she had to concentrate on the people holding them.

To all appearances, they were ordinary locals. Their dark brown jackets and hats would have blended in almost anywhere on the whole planet. A bit of coarseness in the fabric suggested membership in the working class.

They all kept their guns steady, aimed right at her chest. They were eyeing her warily, their lips pressed into slight frowns of concentration. Two or three of them were nervous enough to be breathing heavily, but otherwise none of them showed much emotion. At least they all looked well-disciplined. Lydia didn't think they would start firing in panic or blind rage.

They had backed her into a corner. The room was a basement, empty of furniture, and the only way out was a narrow staircase. There was no way she could get past them and escape. Shouting for help would be pointless; this was an abandoned building in a whole neighborhood of abandoned buildings. If anyone else was in earshot, they would just be friends of the people confronting her.

The leader of the group stood a few paces away. He was the shortest of the lot, and the angriest. He was also the only one willing to look her in the face. For a few moments, he tried to (snip)

Even though there is some editing needed here, the voice is good and the narrative raises story questions: why are they pointing guns at her, and what is she going to do about it. So I turned the page. But this could be stronger, crisper, and another story question could have made it onto the page with some tightening of the narrative. Notes:

Lydia looked around in horror. Would she have to kill them all? For me, this didn’t serve the narrative well. The unattributed pronoun tell us nothing. Far stronger was guns pointed at her.

Seven men and two women were pointing guns at her Lydia. Hard as it was to tear her attention away from the guns themselves, she knew she had to concentrate on the people holding them. “she knew” is called a filter, a little bit of narrative that distances us in a micro way from the character’s experience.

To all appearances, they were ordinary locals. Their dark brown jackets and hats would have blended in almost anywhere on the whole planet. A bit of coarseness in the fabric suggested membership in the working class. "To all appearances" seems distant to me. Suggest: They looked like ordinary locals. Crisper.

They all kept their guns steady, aimed right at her chest. They were eyeing eyed her warily, their lips pressed into slight frowns (?) of concentration. Two or three of them were nervous enough to be breathing heavily, but otherwise none of them showed much emotion. At least they all looked well-disciplined. Lydia didn't think they would start firing in panic or blind rage. Use of a to be verb and a participle is, for me, often a “squishy” way of describing action, which should be crisp. The crisp way to do it is with the verb alone. I associate frowns with foreheads and eyebrows, not lips. This took me out of the narrative.

They had backed her into a corner. The room was a basement, empty of furniture, and the only way out was a narrow staircase. There was no way she could get past them and escape. Shouting for help would be pointless; this was an abandoned building in a whole neighborhood of abandoned buildings. If anyone else was in earshot, they would just be friends of the people confronting her. This felt as if it went on too long.

The leader of the group stood a few paces away. He was the angriest shortest of the lot, and the angriest. He was also the only one willing to look her in the face. For a few moments, he tried to (snip) The fact that he was the shortest has no bearing on the story, just takes up words. If this narrative is trimmed enough, you’d be able to include the following line on the first page, which would have guaranteed a page turn with a good story question.

When he spoke, it was different from what she had expected. “We want your help,” he said.

Scroll down past submission directions for the link to turn the page to the rest of the chapter.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

 

Book cover design—modifying and combining stock art elements

It’s very possible to customize stock art to create a striking book cover that reflects your book. Here’s an example from one of my clients.

Going in, I knew that this was a spy thriller, that a big part of the story involved stolen nuclear materials, that the other big part (that the title refers to) is about young women in the sex slave trade in Ukraine, and that the narrative refers to a web of criminals. The author also had a cover concept in mind that we worked with—as it turned out, she later decided against that and I was turned loose to create something that evoked a sense of danger and suspense.

Here’s the stock art for a spider web that I used.

 

 

Then came the universal symbol for radiation.

 

 

 

Using Photoshop, I gave the web perspective to give it a dramatic dimension. Notice that the spider is gone--I used it on the back cover. And I took out the center of the web to create space for the broken angel/radiation symbol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then I distorted the radiation symbol and placed it in the center of the web. Note that the radiation symbol now also resembles an angel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the final cover design. Click on the image to see a larger version.

Molly is a terrific writer and it would be worth your while to check out the book here. She is also an editor and a partner in an Indie publishing company.

Here is the blurb from the back cover and a review:

Under deep cover in Ukraine, Victoria Pierce is operating without a net. Her CIA mentor, Maud Olson, lies in critical condition after an attempt on her life. Her in-country handler is a nightmare come true. Tasked with tracking the secret export of enriched uranium from Ukrainian stockpiles, she collides with a girl on the run from sex traffickers and finds herself entangled in a vicious web that stretches to perilous heights.

"Tinsley’s expert research and eye for detail weave an elaborate web that even [her protagonist] Pierce is challenged to untangle.  Light one moment, dark the next, Tinsley’s writing heightens anticipation: you never  know which way she’ll turn next. ...The [Ukrainian] setting is authentic and evocative  background for Pierce’s dual quest to save girls from their graves and the world from its bombs."
ForeWord Reviews, Winter, 2013

Finally, here is what Molly had to say about my work on her book cover—she is, by the way, a pleasure to work with. As with all my design clients, it becomes a collaboration of artists.

“I went to Ray Rhamey with a rough idea for the cover of my spy thriller Broken Angels; he worked with it to create multiple options. We were all set to go forward with my favorite, when I got some cautionary feedback from a bookseller about my original concept. Whereupon Ray went back to the drawing board and came up with his own concept and design. I love it, and so do the bookseller and many other friends and readers. Ray Rhamey leavens his considerable design talents with patience and professionalism. He's a great collaborator and will stick with you until you have the most appropriate and appealing image for your book.” Molly Best Tinsley, Broken Angels

For what it’s worth,

Flogometer for Audra: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Audra sends the first chapter of Plain Sight.

Amanda Zook had lost the one thing she had to remember herself by.

John stood next to her, bent over, struggling with the key to the gas station bathroom. He couldn't get the key to turn in the padlock. A bee menaced the black band of his straw hat, and she looked around to see what it guarded. A hive nested in the spouting above the door.

The bees were protecting their home while she was leaving hers.

She wished he would hurry.

At last, he lifted the lock from its hasp and held it out to her. She opened the plastic shopping bag for it, and beads of sweat rolled down her arms under her dress sleeves.

The shut-up reek of the stifling bathroom rolled over them. Her guts steamed. She was used to animal smells and the leaks that sprang from the body, but her stomach upset easily these days under the baby's weight. The bile burned her throat.

John flicked the light switch, they stepped into the bathroom, and she banged the door shut behind them. He reached past her and twisted the deadbolt.

They were committed.

She looked in the mirror over the sink. The porcelain behind the faucets was dotted with dried, caked, mahogany spots that looked like blood. She'd taken a while to notice them. She'd doted on the spigot that offered the first indoor running water she'd ever seen, but the novelty (snip)

I like the voice in this narrative, and the writing is clear and clean. Yet allusions to things I don’t know—what she has lost, what they are committed to—didn’t manage to raise story questions for me. Perhaps clues such as her last name—Zook—and his straw hat with a black head band should have let me know that they are Amish or a similar folk, but I didn’t get that. For me, the amount of detail about the environment in place of story slowed my interest. There’s also a clarity issue for me that I’ll point out. As it turns out, the protagonist is a 16-year-old running away from her Amish (?) home and culture. I suspect the story begins when doing that impacts her life with trouble as she encounters the culture of “the English.” Notes:

Amanda Zook had lost the one thing she had to remember herself by. What is it? If it’s important to her, why not let us know?

John stood next to her, bent over, struggling with the key to the gas station bathroom. He couldn't get the key to turn in the padlock. A bee menaced the black band of his straw hat, and she looked around to see what it guarded. A hive nested in the spouting above the door. Doesn’t seem like struggling with a lock is important to the story. And how many gas stations padlock their bathroom doors? I’ve been on the road for many decades and haven’t seen one. What does his trouble with the lock contribute to story or character?

The bees were protecting their home while she was leaving hers. Okay, I like the way the bee brought this naturally to her mind. But we didn’t need the lock to have the bee.

She wished he would hurry.

At last, he lifted the lock from its hasp and held it out to her. She opened the plastic shopping bag for it, and beads of sweat rolled down her arms under her dress sleeves. Other than the fact that it seems to be hot, this detail doesn’t move things along for me.

The shut-up reek of the stifling bathroom rolled over them. Her guts steamed. She was used to animal smells and the leaks that sprang from the body, but her stomach upset easily these days under the baby's weight. The bile burned her throat. The baby is important, good to see on the first page.

John flicked the light switch, they stepped into the bathroom, and she banged the door shut behind them. He reached past her and twisted the deadbolt.

They were committed. To what? Using a bathroom doesn’t seem like it requires a commitment.

She looked in the mirror over the sink. The porcelain behind the faucets was dotted with dried, caked, mahogany spots that looked like blood. She'd taken a while to notice them. She'd doted on the spigot that offered the first indoor running water she'd ever seen, but the novelty (snip) This is the clarity issue for me--the way time lapses seems wrong. She has just stepped inside, he’s turned the dead bolt, and she looks at the mirror. That would have taken a very few seconds. Yet that was taking “a while,” which to my mind is more than scant seconds, to notice the spots? And to also dote on the faucets? To my mind, doting takes more time than seconds. As it turns out, the spots that look like blood and the fact of running water don’t have any bearing on what happens next.

I would like to see this story started later, closer to something that happens as a result of her choice to run away that impacts her life. That would more like an inciting incident, not the act of running away, IMO. This first chapter is well written set-up and backstory to give us the world and the character's background--let me add that this is a fascinating world to me and I would have liked to be drawn into it, but the nature of the world wasn't made clear on the first page. Give us that, and then give us something that happens to her and forces her to react rather than dwell on being troubled by what she's doing.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"What should I thank you for the most? Being always there for me to hammer you with questions? Encouraging and coaching me? Teaching me the ropes in a way no business-weary pro would? Going way beyond our agreement and your duties just to make sure everything was the best it could be? Giving me fair and blunt criticism at all times? Suggesting ways to fix the many problems you pointed out? No. That would be incomplete. It would only recognize you as the professional editor that you are. I want to thank you for making polishing my book--given the shape of the first draft, a daunting and apparently impossible job--a real pleasure. "    Georges Melhem

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Audra

Flogometer for Damian: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Damian sends the prologue and first chapter of Night of the Wolf.

Prologue:

Paris 1450

In dreams I watch him die.

For three nights now my repose has been haunted by visions of his face, pale and gaunt as it flits through the shadows. He is being chased, his assailant hidden by the darkness that surrounds him. I do not recognise him and yet, somehow, I am connected to him. I feel his fear.

It is always the same.

I find myself in a forest, the bare trees clawing their way through the snow covered ground like giant skeletal fingers; reaching up from their icy graves. It is cold here, the wind still. I am there but I am not there, floating silently through the night as if searching, hunting. But as for what I am seeking, I do not know.

Then he appears.

He looks lost, staggering aimlessly forward, his feet sinking deep into the soft snow. He falls.

Once.

Twice.

Each time he gets up he looks more anxious. He shouldn’t be here, he knows it. He wants to get away, to be free of this nightmare; but his time is running out.

There are times when opening with some sort of dream can work—it seems that they are VERY brief when they do, and they tie immediately into what’s happening. For me, this one, being dreamed by a character I don’t know about an anonymous “he,” just didn’t raise story questions or provoke a page turn.

Chapter 1

Surrounded by a halo of flowers she lies before me, pale and ethereal like the virgin snow upon which she was found. Suspended in this serene state, her face decorated with perfumes and powders, she appears more beautiful than I remember, more elegant, refined. I smile. In death she has finally achieved the station she so desperately desired in life.

‘Bless you Natalia,’ I whisper, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

Standing once more I allow my eyes to explore her body, one last time. Her golden hair sparkles in the candle light. It has been lovingly brushed, her flaxen tendrils caressing the gentle contours of her neck where the silver pendant I gave her for her eighteenth birthday lies in pride of place. It is strange to see it there, so still, so perfect, never again to rise and fall with her laughter or glint in the sun as she runs freely through the wildflowers. I reach out and touch it, memories of the moment I gave it to her flooding back. Her smile, the way she’d held it in her hands as though it were the most delicate thing in the world; that even the gentlest breath of wind would cause it to disintegrate.

‘I will treasure it forever,’ she had said and so seeing her with it now comforts me, helps alleviate my own anguish. I cannot mourn her publically and so the fact that she now wears the pendant, as small and insignificant as it may seem; means a great deal. As she embarks upon this next chapter she will be carrying with her something of me. Friends (snip)

Well, I suppose the author is going for the more elegant style of the period, but it seemed to dwell overmuch at times and ended up being a little too much for me (flaxen tendrils) (also needs some work on comma usage). A couple of notes to the writer: here we’re seeing her entire body and she’s beautiful, yet her death was caused by being eviscerated by a pack of starving wolves. That doesn’t seem consistent. Also, the way this narrative speaks of the dead girl led me to think that this narrator was a male, and it’s not. I suggest you find a way to include the narrator’s gender as soon as you can. More than that, this is so reflective and quiet it aroused little tension. I didn’t feel any strong story questions making me want to know what happens next. Can you find a place where something happens to this narrator that causes a serious problem for her? My vote was no.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor."    Lynn Knight

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Damian

Inside book cover design

I’ve had a wide variety of book cover design clients recently, and that makes for fun and interesting work. I thought I’d share a little with you about how I go about it.

First up is Kosher Sutra, a food memoir. It’s a funny and good read spiced with delicious-looking recipes. Because of the subject matter and the fun, no-holds-barred voice of the author, Arlene Krasner, the kettle exploding with fun was the perfect stock art to give you an idea of what’s inside. The title font is also fun and perfectly named: Croissant.

Click on the image of the full cover to see a larger version, including another sizzling piece of stock art on the back.

Here’s the blurb from her Amazon page:

Don't let the title fool you. This book does not contain steamy photos of the Ten Lost Tribes in strange sex positions. But it does include knishes, martinis, chimpanzees, road trips, marital woes, and probably the heaviest damn butcher block on either side of the Mississippi. It's about the author's search for a meaningful life, ill-equipped as she was at times to articulate what that truly meant. Yet when all else failed-her career, her marriage, her much-revered but silly-looking AMC Gremlin-she could always rely on her love of food, running the table from comfort food to nouvelle cuisine, or in the words of the musical Oliver: "Food, glorious food." This memoir may not make you laugh or cry, but it will make you hungry. Kosher Sutra is a wonderful palate cleanser that fits sweetly between the courses of Oy vey and Mazel tov.

Next is a very different book—it’s a novel that imagines the life of poet Emily Dickinson. The Voice at the Door tells a could-be-true story of her love for a prominent Philadelphia pastor. Using Photoshop, I combined public domain images of Emily and the pastor with a modified piece of stock art of an antique double locket.

Click on the image of the full cover to see a larger version.

Here’s the blurb:

The Voice at the Door recreates the fateful meeting of Emily Dickinson with the famous Philadelphia pastor, Charles Wadsworth.  The fictional account weaves the letters and poems of this iconic American writer into a rich tapestry of intellectual and spiritual communion.  It encompasses the three great mysteries of Emily Dickinson’s life: her agonized love poetry of the early 1860’s, her partial blindness in 1863 – 1865, and her subsequent withdrawal from the world.

For more on my book design services, please visit Crrreative Book Editing & Design.

For what it's worth.

Ray

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© 2014 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Bill: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.

If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Bill sends the first chapter of Left to Carry On.

Slowly he licked the sticky chocolate off his fingers with his hot and abrasive tongue. It didn't calm him like it used to. His agitation controlled him. The hunt was evolving and he was becoming good at it - too good. Mastering his desires had diminished the rush. It was becoming too easy and he craved for more. Leaning back in the bucket seat with the long delicate scarf in hand, he closed his eyes and slowly passed this newest keepsake beneath his nose. The silk tickled his lips. His nostrils flared as he deeply inhaled. A cold shiver made him red hot. The scent, recently introduced, would forever lock her spirit in his mind. Only he stood witness to her final chapter. As the tension left his body he began to float above his body and replayed Scarf Girl's ending performance.

Most of the night had been spent cruising the city streets. He was not finding what he was looking for. His vision sharpened as he scanned passing cars and sidewalks while the grip on the steering wheel tightened. Scarf Girl popped from the shadows as he had sat alone in the intersection waiting for the traffic light to change. She hopped off the curb and hastily marched across the intersection right in front of him. He pumped the accelerator while he held his other foot on the brake. Her fate was sealed when she looked his way. The connection was primal. She had the 'look'.

He had parked and followed her on foot. She had stopped at a doorway for an upper flat (snip)

While it’s possible to open a story with a creepy, evil character, and I recently read a novel by Clayton Lindemuth that did that very effectively, this one just didn’t work for me. I try to not let content or genre influence my analysis of a story's storytelling virtues and shortcomings, but it's not always possible. Perhaps part of my reaction is due to the writing, which I felt was overly detailed and heavy with description. But I'll admit that the content was a factor in this one. So my vote was no. A few notes:

Slowly he licked the sticky chocolate off his fingers with his hot and abrasive tongue. It didn't calm him like it used to. His agitation controlled him. The hunt was evolving and he was becoming good at it - too good. Mastering his desires had diminished the rush. It was becoming too easy and he craved for more. Leaning back in the bucket seat with the long delicate scarf in hand, he closed his eyes and slowly passed this newest keepsake beneath his nose. The silk tickled his lips. His nostrils flared as he deeply inhaled. A cold shiver made him red hot. The scent, recently introduced, would forever lock her spirit in his mind. Only he stood witness to her final chapter. As the tension left his body, he began to float above his body it and replayed Scarf Girl's ending performance. What I think of as overwriting gets in the way of making this narrative effective. “hot and abrasive tongue” made me wonder briefly if I was in the mind of a cat rather than a  human—I don’t think human tongues are abrasive. I guess they can be hot. Heat comes up again when a cold shiver makes him red hot—a line that tries too hard for me. And then we go to a flashback. Now is not the time for backstory.

Most of the night had been spent cruising the city streets. He was not finding what he was looking for. His vision sharpened as he scanned passing cars and sidewalks while the grip on the steering wheel tightened. Scarf Girl popped from the shadows as he had sat alone in the intersection waiting for the traffic light to change. She hopped off the curb and hastily marched across the intersection right in front of him. He pumped the accelerator while he held his other foot on the brake. Her fate was sealed when she looked his way. The connection was primal. She had the 'look'. In my view, readers want the “now” of a story, not the “then” delivered by flashbacks. And I wasn’t ready to follow this creepy character in an assault on a woman. Some things are just better left unwritten.

He had parked and followed her on foot. She had stopped at a doorway for an upper flat (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor."    Lynn Knight

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Bill