Submissions wanted.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Damian sends the prologue and first chapter of Night of the Wolf.
Prologue:
Paris 1450
In dreams I watch him die.
For three nights now my repose has been haunted by visions of his face, pale and gaunt as it flits through the shadows. He is being chased, his assailant hidden by the darkness that surrounds him. I do not recognise him and yet, somehow, I am connected to him. I feel his fear.
It is always the same.
I find myself in a forest, the bare trees clawing their way through the snow covered ground like giant skeletal fingers; reaching up from their icy graves. It is cold here, the wind still. I am there but I am not there, floating silently through the night as if searching, hunting. But as for what I am seeking, I do not know.
Then he appears.
He looks lost, staggering aimlessly forward, his feet sinking deep into the soft snow. He falls.
Once.
Twice.
Each time he gets up he looks more anxious. He shouldn’t be here, he knows it. He wants to get away, to be free of this nightmare; but his time is running out.
There are times when opening with some sort of dream can work—it seems that they are VERY brief when they do, and they tie immediately into what’s happening. For me, this one, being dreamed by a character I don’t know about an anonymous “he,” just didn’t raise story questions or provoke a page turn.
Chapter 1
Surrounded by a halo of flowers she lies before me, pale and ethereal like the virgin snow upon which she was found. Suspended in this serene state, her face decorated with perfumes and powders, she appears more beautiful than I remember, more elegant, refined. I smile. In death she has finally achieved the station she so desperately desired in life.
‘Bless you Natalia,’ I whisper, leaning in to kiss her forehead.
Standing once more I allow my eyes to explore her body, one last time. Her golden hair sparkles in the candle light. It has been lovingly brushed, her flaxen tendrils caressing the gentle contours of her neck where the silver pendant I gave her for her eighteenth birthday lies in pride of place. It is strange to see it there, so still, so perfect, never again to rise and fall with her laughter or glint in the sun as she runs freely through the wildflowers. I reach out and touch it, memories of the moment I gave it to her flooding back. Her smile, the way she’d held it in her hands as though it were the most delicate thing in the world; that even the gentlest breath of wind would cause it to disintegrate.
‘I will treasure it forever,’ she had said and so seeing her with it now comforts me, helps alleviate my own anguish. I cannot mourn her publically and so the fact that she now wears the pendant, as small and insignificant as it may seem; means a great deal. As she embarks upon this next chapter she will be carrying with her something of me. Friends (snip)
Well, I suppose the author is going for the more elegant style of the period, but it seemed to dwell overmuch at times and ended up being a little too much for me (flaxen tendrils) (also needs some work on comma usage). A couple of notes to the writer: here we’re seeing her entire body and she’s beautiful, yet her death was caused by being eviscerated by a pack of starving wolves. That doesn’t seem consistent. Also, the way this narrative speaks of the dead girl led me to think that this narrator was a male, and it’s not. I suggest you find a way to include the narrator’s gender as soon as you can. More than that, this is so reflective and quiet it aroused little tension. I didn’t feel any strong story questions making me want to know what happens next. Can you find a place where something happens to this narrator that causes a serious problem for her? My vote was no.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
My editing clients talk about the work I do:
"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor." Lynn Knight
Visit my website for more info on services and fees.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Damian