Submissions wanted.
If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below--new: I've added a request to post the rest of the chapter.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Bill sends the first chapter of Left to Carry On.
Slowly he licked the sticky chocolate off his fingers with his hot and abrasive tongue. It didn't calm him like it used to. His agitation controlled him. The hunt was evolving and he was becoming good at it - too good. Mastering his desires had diminished the rush. It was becoming too easy and he craved for more. Leaning back in the bucket seat with the long delicate scarf in hand, he closed his eyes and slowly passed this newest keepsake beneath his nose. The silk tickled his lips. His nostrils flared as he deeply inhaled. A cold shiver made him red hot. The scent, recently introduced, would forever lock her spirit in his mind. Only he stood witness to her final chapter. As the tension left his body he began to float above his body and replayed Scarf Girl's ending performance.
Most of the night had been spent cruising the city streets. He was not finding what he was looking for. His vision sharpened as he scanned passing cars and sidewalks while the grip on the steering wheel tightened. Scarf Girl popped from the shadows as he had sat alone in the intersection waiting for the traffic light to change. She hopped off the curb and hastily marched across the intersection right in front of him. He pumped the accelerator while he held his other foot on the brake. Her fate was sealed when she looked his way. The connection was primal. She had the 'look'.
He had parked and followed her on foot. She had stopped at a doorway for an upper flat (snip)
While it’s possible to open a story with a creepy, evil character, and I recently read a novel by Clayton Lindemuth that did that very effectively, this one just didn’t work for me. I try to not let content or genre influence my analysis of a story's storytelling virtues and shortcomings, but it's not always possible. Perhaps part of my reaction is due to the writing, which I felt was overly detailed and heavy with description. But I'll admit that the content was a factor in this one. So my vote was no. A few notes:
Slowly he licked the sticky chocolate off his fingers with his hot and abrasive tongue. It didn't calm him like it used to. His agitation controlled him. The hunt was evolving and he was becoming good at it - too good. Mastering his desires had diminished the rush. It was becoming too easy and he craved for more. Leaning back in the bucket seat with the long delicate scarf in hand, he closed his eyes and slowly passed this newest keepsake beneath his nose. The silk tickled his lips. His nostrils flared as he deeply inhaled. A cold shiver made him red hot. The scent, recently introduced, would forever lock her spirit in his mind. Only he stood witness to her final chapter. As the tension left his body, he began to float above his body it and replayed Scarf Girl's ending performance. What I think of as overwriting gets in the way of making this narrative effective. “hot and abrasive tongue” made me wonder briefly if I was in the mind of a cat rather than a human—I don’t think human tongues are abrasive. I guess they can be hot. Heat comes up again when a cold shiver makes him red hot—a line that tries too hard for me. And then we go to a flashback. Now is not the time for backstory.
Most of the night had been spent cruising the city streets. He was not finding what he was looking for. His vision sharpened as he scanned passing cars and sidewalks while the grip on the steering wheel tightened. Scarf Girl popped from the shadows as he had sat alone in the intersection waiting for the traffic light to change. She hopped off the curb and hastily marched across the intersection right in front of him. He pumped the accelerator while he held his other foot on the brake. Her fate was sealed when she looked his way. The connection was primal. She had the 'look'. In my view, readers want the “now” of a story, not the “then” delivered by flashbacks. And I wasn’t ready to follow this creepy character in an assault on a woman. Some things are just better left unwritten.
He had parked and followed her on foot. She had stopped at a doorway for an upper flat (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
My editing clients talk about the work I do:
"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor." Lynn Knight
Visit my website for more info on services and fees.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Flogging the Quill © 2014 Ray Rhamey, story © 2014 Bill