Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Melissa sends a revision of the first chapter of The Betrayed, historical fiction that takes place in 1943. The first round is here. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
The call announcing Max Koenig’s fate finally came at six o’clock. He had spent the afternoon alternating between whiskey and Lucky Strikes in a feeble attempt to calm his shattered nerves. But the phone’s shrill ring nearly pushed him over the edge.
“I’m sorry for the delay, Professor Koenig.” The chair of the university’s history department, Professor Watkins, sounded brisk but apologetic. “The committee has made its decision. We have determined that the accusations brought against you are false and malicious.”
Max’s grip on the receiver relaxed. It was alright, then. “I am glad to hear it.”
“However,” Watkins continued, “we feel that in these times, we cannot afford to have schisms within our department between colleagues. It reflects poorly on us all when the integrity of one of our professors is in question, especially on the subject of Nazism.”
Panic began to edge its way around Max’s ribs. “But I am not a Nazi.”
“Yes, we know that,” Watkins said patiently, “but you must admit, the circumstances surrounding your time at the university in Berlin are somewhat…questionable. The fact that you stayed on as long as you did when so many in academia were forced from their jobs or quit in protest is telling. It doesn’t exactly endear you to your Jewish colleagues.”
Max stared at the snow falling outside his apartment window, watching as it blurred the Christmas lights on the houses below. Every action a person took now was under scrutiny, no (snip)
The writing and voice are still strong (I would only delete the use of Max’s last name and the adverb patiently). There is clear tension, and ominous consequences ahead, though we don’t know how high the stakes are. And the issue of Nazi persecution of Jews carries with it plenty of emotion. My vote is yes, but I think this could be just a tad stronger. Please check out the revised opening below that moves a line from page 2 to page 1, a little fine-tuning that, for me, added another strong story question. A vote follows.
The call announcing Max’s fate finally came at six o’clock. He had spent the afternoon staring at the snow falling outside his apartment and alternating between whiskey and Lucky Strikes in a feeble attempt to calm his nerves. The phone’s shrill ring nearly pushed him over the edge.
“I’m sorry for the delay, Professor Koenig.” The chair of the university’s history department, Professor Watkins, sounded brisk but apologetic. “The committee has made its decision. We have determined that the accusations brought against you are false and malicious.”
Max’s grip on the receiver relaxed. It was alright, then. “I am glad to hear it.”
“However,” Watkins continued, “we feel that in these times, we cannot afford to have schisms within our department between colleagues. It reflects poorly on us all when the integrity of one of our professors is in question, especially on the subject of Nazism.”
Panic began to edge its way around Max’s ribs. “But I am not a Nazi.”
“Yes, we know that,” Watkins said, “but you must admit, the circumstances surrounding your time at the university in Berlin are somewhat…questionable. The fact that you stayed on as long as you did when so many in academia were forced from their jobs or quit in protest is telling. It doesn’t exactly endear you to your Jewish colleagues.”
What did Watkins know of Max’s life in Berlin, of what he’d had to do to survive in the midst of that madness?
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
My editing clients talk about the work I do:
"I'm quite stunned really because your edit and advice are so utterly fantastic! I paid for an edit of a different novel a few years ago and was thoroughly disappointed, but you really hit the mark with everything you said (and you spotted straight away one of my main weaknesses: scene-setting - I can see it in my head and struggle to get it onto the page!). I was really blown away." Keris Stainton
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Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey