Submissions wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Melanie sends the first chapter of Initiate of Stone. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
Ferathainn: Deadly secrets, Hartsgrove, Uistaya Eve, 200 sunspans After the Cataclysm
The Hart’s Grove sensed my approach, the spirits of the trees sighing in greeting.
What troubles you, my friends? They only sighed again and I attributed their sadness to the turning of the sun, the falling of leaves, and the slow withdrawal of sap, though the season had never before elicited such sorrow from them. Festival day freedom lightened my step and made me careless. I’d have floated if not for Master Aeldred’s plodding progress, punctuated by his thumping staff, dragging behind me, keeping me grounded.
I entered the grove—which lent its name to my village—from the east, through the birches which grew on either side of the gate. Shouldering my bag, I reached out and slid my fingers over the smooth bark. I touched the ragged scar of a knot and a curl of its paper peeling back. The scents of decay and moldering leaves swirled about me, but the sun shone clear, the day bright. A breeze sent dapples of sunlight through the branching shadows cast by the centuries-old trees. Twenty-seven paces carried me from the outer edge of the grove to the altar stone squatting at its center. Three times three times three. Compound sanctity.
The spirits of the deer huffed welcome at me while the deer grazed the grass trim and pruned suckers as the grove directed. The buck bugled warning and the deer leapt away at the sound of Master Aeldred’s shuffling steps as he followed me into the grove.
There’s lovely, evocative writing here, and the rest of the chapter was much the same. And yet . . . while the opening page introduces us to a magical fantasy world, it doesn’t give a sense of what the story is about, or what might face this character. The chapter spends some time on set-up, but then reveals things that do raise story questions, although it ended with no troubles ahead for the protagonist (a girl of 14, by the way). She gains knowledge that hint at big secrets to be revealed, but there’s nothing that tells the reader that there is any jeopardy attached.
I think Melanie should locate the inciting incident—it’s not in this chapter—that really turns the character's life upside down and start there. I suspect that much of the setup, while it did paint a picture of this world, isn’t really necessary. The world and her ability can be shown while something really happens. That opening chapter I’d be interested in seeing. My vote: no. Notes:
Ferathainn: Deadly secrets, Hartsgrove, Uistaya Eve, 200 sunspans After the Cataclysm For me, this kind of information gets in the way, and I usually skip it. Unless all of that is VITAL to what happens in the story, why take up space with it?
The Hart’s Grove sensed my approach, the spirits of the trees sighing in greeting. Later there's a comment on clarity about this grove--it seems to have a center. My problem could be addressed here with something such as: . . . the spirits of the circle of trees sighing in greeting.
What troubles you, my friends? They only sighed again and I attributed their sadness to the turning of the sun, the falling of leaves, and the slow withdrawal of sap, though the season had never before elicited such sorrow from them. Festival day freedom lightened my step and made me careless. I’d have floated if not for Master Aeldred’s plodding progress, punctuated by his thumping staff, dragging behind me, keeping me grounded.
I entered the grove—which lent its name to my village—from the east, through the birches which grew on either side of the gate. Shouldering my bag, I reached out and slid my fingers over the smooth bark. I touched the ragged scar of a knot and a curl of its paper peeling back. The scents of decay and moldering leaves swirled about me, but the sun shone clear, the day bright. A breeze sent dapples of sunlight through the branching shadows cast by the centuries-old trees. Twenty-seven paces carried me from the outer edge of the grove to the altar stone squatting at its center. Three times three times three. Compound sanctity. The scene isn’t setting up clearly for me. “Center” implies a circle of trees, but this is a grove, which is a bunch of trees. If the grove is circular, then it needs to be shown that way.
The spirits of the deer huffed welcome at me while the deer grazed the grass trim and pruned suckers as the grove directed. The buck bugled warning and the deer leapt away at the sound of Master Aeldred’s shuffling steps as he followed me into the grove. The deer are not important to the story, only to her ability to deal with the spirits of things. She’s already done that with the trees, and will do that with others later. So this isn’t really necessary and takes up space. I’d cut it.
If you want to keep this opening chapter, then I think you should look for a way to foreshadow trouble to come—in this case, a mysterious “betrayal” and an insight into her origins. The sad trees, for example, could also give a sense of trouble ahead for her that she can pick up but not understand until things happen. Still, I’d look later for the real start of the story.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
My editing clients talk about the work I do:
"What should I thank you for the most? Being always there for me to hammer you with questions? Encouraging and coaching me? Teaching me the ropes in a way no business-weary pro would? Going way beyond our agreement and your duties just to make sure everything was the best it could be? Giving me fair and blunt criticism at all times? Suggesting ways to fix the many problems you pointed out? No. That would be incomplete. It would only recognize you as the professional editor that you are. I want to thank you for making polishing my book--given the shape of the first draft, a daunting and apparently impossible job--a real pleasure. " Georges Melhem
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Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey