Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.
Submissions to FtQ wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
My apologies: I got wrapped up in work today and forgot to flog until now. At any rate, have a Happy Thanksgiving.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Meg sends a first chapter of Tyger Claw, an urban fantasy. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
"You're dead," I repeat. "I told you." I suppress a sniff of impatience. The stunned lack of acceptance of a prey-person always irritates me a little. Do they think I stalk them for their health?
Well, I don't. I stalk them to make them dead.
I'm crouching beside the head of my latest target, the fingers of my left hand pressed gently to his forehead. I have to wait for him to assimilate my words. That often happens with the newly dead. My brother Keeth has told me more than once that when I'm sure I've completed a job, I need to leave the scene. I just can't bring myself to do that unless I have no alternative. It's my caring, nurturing nature that keeps me here. Or maybe it's my Church training. Whatever. I always prefer to help shepherd my victims into their new future as a dead person.
This particular prey-person, though, is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure why, exactly. Something about the ease with which I've taken him out bothers me. It's all been a little too simple. Just sneak into his private plumeria garden, the one he refuses to allow anyone else to enter, including the expensive Guardians he pays to protect him. Then a drop from a tree branch onto his shoulders, a tug on his head to bare his throat, and a quick slash with my ultra-sharp bagh nakh claws before jumping away. Poof. This job was (snip)
I like the voice quite a lot, and the casual way this world is introduced to us. Those things lifted just a hint of trouble ahead to enough tension to get me to turn the page. Nice work, and the rest of the chapter keeps the fun going. My vote: yes. But this opening page could be a little stronger, I think. Notes
"You're dead," I repeat. "I told you." I suppress a sniff of impatience. The stunned lack of acceptance of a prey-person always irritates me a little. Do they think I stalk them for their health?
Well, I don't. I stalk them to make them dead.
I'm crouching beside the head of my latest target, the my fingers of my left hand pressed gently to his forehead. I have to wait for him to assimilate my words. That often happens with the newly dead. My brother Keeth has told me more than once that when I'm sure I've completed a job, I need to leave the scene. I just can't bring myself to do that unless I have no alternative. It's my caring, nurturing nature that keeps me here. Or maybe it's my Church training. Whatever. I always prefer to help shepherd my victims into their new future as a dead person. I take pride in providing a quality death experience for my prey. The trims in the first sentence are to crisp it up by removing a little overwriting—whether it’s the left hand or right don’t matter to the story. The added line in red is from the next page. With the cuts to the first of this paragraph, there’s room for it. It heightens the level of my interest in this character.
This particular prey-person, though, is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure why, exactly. Something about the ease with which I've taken him out bothers me. It's all been a little too simple. Just sneak into his private plumeria garden, the one he refuses to allow anyone else to enter, including the expensive Guardians he pays to protect him. Then a drop from a tree branch onto his shoulders, a tug on his head to bare his throat, and a quick slash with my ultra-sharp bagh nakh claws before jumping away. Poof. This job was (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey