Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.
Submissions to FtQ wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Marlene sends a first chapter of Mighty Mike and the Interstellar Candy Dispenser, a middle-grade novel. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
According to The List of Chumps to be Pounded After School, today was hang-Mike-like-a-pinata-Thursday. Mike sat in the middle of the four-tiered bleachers at the community park, fairly certain Brutus wouldn’t drag him away in front of everyone else.
Crack!
He jerked around. Just Little League batting practice. Mike gritted his teeth and hoped no one saw his panic. He was not going to hide in his house like a friendless dork. Until he escaped to outer space, being alert and running fast would have to save him.
Turning back to the soccer field, Mike pulled out the letter his teacher had written for his Space Camp application. More than avoiding Brutus, he desperately wanted special approval to attend the Space Camp Academy section two years early.
“C’mon Mike, we need another player.” Carlos stood with his hands spread wide and his usual grin smeared across his face.
Demonstrating his sorry soccer skills was not his favorite after-school activity, but Mike could never turn down his best—and only—friend. Besides, reading science fiction books on the bleachers just encouraged the dork title. He carefully folded the letter and put it into a back pocket.
Pretending he couldn’t run fast enough to get to the ball wouldn’t work, because (snip)
This starts off signaling fun ahead, and the writing keeps its light tone and engaging voice. The character is a likeable underdog and stirs sympathy in me (I could have been him). But then the narrative devotes itself to set-up rather than something happening. This may be necessary for middle grade readers—on the other hand, it could probably have been woven in. I suspect the real story starts in chapter two, and encourage Marlene to look at starting closer to the inciting event (it isn’t in this chapter) that impacts his life in a significant way. You can characterize him and let us know stuff while that happens, it seems to me. My vote: no but with encouragement. Notes:
According to The List of Chumps to be Pounded After School, today was hang-Mike-like-a-pinata-Thursday. Mike sat in the middle of the four-tiered bleachers at the community park, fairly certain Brutus wouldn’t drag him away in front of everyone else. I like the promise of humor and a skillful light touch in the voice here. And it promises conflict ahead.
Crack!
He jerked around. Just Little League batting practice. Mike gritted his teeth and hoped no one saw his panic. He was not going to hide in his house like a friendless dork. Until he escaped to outer space, being alert and running fast would have to save him. While the cut bits did help in showing his tension, it seemed to me to be a side trip and that his inner monologue did the job just fine. Introducing the notion of escaping into outer space raises a strong story question.
Turning back to the soccer field, Mike pulled out the letter his teacher had written for his Space Camp application. More than avoiding Brutus, he desperately wanted special approval to attend the Space Camp Academy section two years early. Uh-oh, a bit of info dump. I think this should go and wait until later.
“C’mon Mike, we need another player.” Carlos stood with his hands spread wide and his usual grin smeared across his face.
Demonstrating his sorry soccer skills was not his Mike’s favorite after-school activity, but Mike he could never turn down his best—and only—friend. Besides, reading science fiction books on the bleachers just encouraged the dork title. He carefully folded the letter and put it into a back pocket. Edits to assure clarity of pronoun, which could refer to Carlos. Since Mike is not currently or apparently planning to read a science fiction book, that reference didn’t seem to advance the story, though I’ll admit it does characterize. But so does the rest of the narrative.
Pretending he couldn’t run fast enough to get to the ball wouldn’t work, because (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Writers talk about the editing I do:
"When I finished writing my novel, I knew there were problems, but I couldn't pin them down. Like most writers, I had become too close to my writing to see objectively. My friends were more concerned about my feelings than being helpful. Realizing I needed a pair of experienced eyes, I sent my manuscript to Ray Rhamey. When I received it back, I was simply amazed.
Apart from his fantastic editing work, Ray gave me an intensive and comprehensive lesson on writing. He improved the pace of my story, pointed out errors in grammar, plot, and point of view. His critique was honest, encouraging, and straightforward. Ray does not hold back.
I recommend Ray to all serious writers in search of keen eyes to dissect their manuscripts and make them the best they can be." David Junior
Visit my website for more info on services and fees.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey