Submissions wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Jim sends the first chapter of Smoke. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
Y’know, they had this phrase -- don’t know if they still use it. Smoked ‘em. That’s what they’d say. Or, He got smoked. Means one thing. Don’t know how it got out into general usage. I’m guessing some people in the biz started using it and then as those things happen, it leaked somehow. But it was out there. It got brought to my attention, as if it’d somehow been my fault. ‘Cause I guess it got a little popular for a while. But I can tell you one thing -- I bet you no one who used it had any clue it was named after me.
He doesn’t sound proud. Or ashamed. He says it the way he says everything else. Unemotional. Even-toned. Almost monotone. Just a fact. Just another fact of life. And death.
The conversation’s just entered its second hour. He doesn’t come across as evasive. Or effusive. But so far he hasn’t divulged many details. He answers politely. Succinct at times. Loquacious at others. Whichever way says the least.
He has all the time in the world to answer questions.
He sits on a steel bench in a twelve-by-twelve room. There are minimal accommodations. A small bed, not much wider than a cot, fastened to the wall. Square metal table, exactly three feet on each side. A matching metal seat for it, bolted to the floor. A stainless steel sink and matching toilet with no lid or rim. And a three-tiered bookshelf holding several binders along with a few books and a stack of old magazines which have numerous random bits and sections cut out of the (snip)
There are times when voice can pull you through even though not much is happening, or sometimes it’s a rich new world. For me, despite the strong writing skills Jim shows, this wasn’t one of those times. Besides Jim’s decision to not use quotation marks on dialogue, there’s no clue as to what this story is about. And nothing much happens except detailed description of what is clearly some sort of prison cell.
There's a lot of "telling" happening here, too--it's possible to show that someone is loquacious at times and succinct at others, that he is polite, unemotional. Yes, sometimes summary is the thing to do, but here?
You learn later that this person is one of the most dangerous people on the planet. And that he has a talent that appears to be teleporting or something like that. But not why he’s dangerous.
While I’m a believer that there are no rules and if something works, that’s fine, but for me the omission of quotation marks is not a winner. Why throw obstacles in the reader’s way? I had to stop and figure out why the first paragraph doesn’t seem connected with the second. The reason is that the first is dialogue and the second is narrative. But you get no clues to that. As an editor, I’d encourage Jim to do two things—use quotes, and start the story later, when something is happening. All of the first chapter is, basically, set-up, a couple-thousand words worth. My vote: no.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
My editing clients talk about the work I do:
"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor." Lynn Knight
Visit my website for more info on services and fees.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey