Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.
Submissions to FtQ wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Caroline sends a first chapter of Salt Desert. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
Iranian women are either super-groomed or obviously pious, and I’m neither. I am, however, staying in the best street in Isfahan. Beside me on the bus, Maryam blinks as she tries to work out what I’m up to. She leans back to check out my rumpled headscarf and cheap manteau: the minimum legal coverings for women in Iran.
Maryam has spent the seven hours from Shiraz patiently explaining the many ways in which I would be better off if I became a Shia Muslim. Now that we’re coming into the suburbs of Isfahan, she’s asked where I am staying. She is astonished when she reads my scrap of paper. Her eyes pop. It’s she who tells me it’s the best street. I can see her thinking that I don’t need the help she was about to offer, and wondering why I hadn’t at least hinted that I move in these exclusive circles.
I’m just as surprised as she is: I’ve not yet met the person I’m going to stay with, but Iranian hospitality has swung into its usual high gear and Farideh, the sister of a friend of a friend has invited me to her home. Maryam repeats her earlier question as to why I’m in Iran – she’s actually going to listen to the answers this time – and I say again that, four hundred years ago, Shah Abbas the Great walked twelve hundred kilometres from Isfahan to the Holy City of Mashhad. I’m here to find out more about his walk. I want to be the first person to retrace his journey.
This nicely written entry into a world that I know nothing about makes it inviting. Caroline tells me that this a fictionalized cross between travel and history. The immersion into that environment will probably be an interesting read. However, in terms of storytelling, there wasn’t much in the way of tension here, nor story questions raised. Is there an inciting incident where the narrator’s life/plans are endangered and she needs to do something about it? On the craft side, there's a tendency to shift from one POV to the other and back.
One other thing that might be a good idea to include somehow—the timeframe when this happens. Is it now? Before sanctions? During sanctions? Iran has been much in the news for a while now, and I think the reader needs to be oriented in the when of this story. Later the character (it would be good to find a way to work in her name) encounters young men carrying machine guns, and that adds an ominous note, though nothing happens. Good voice, interesting world, but not a compelling page for me. My vote: no. Notes:
Iranian women are either super-groomed or obviously pious, and I’m neither. I am, however, staying in the best street in Isfahan. Beside me on the bus, Maryam blinks as she tries to work out what I’m up to. She leans back to and checks check out my rumpled headscarf and cheap manteau: the minimum legal coverings for women in Iran. There’s a POV shift into Maryam’s head and back here. The narrator can’t know why she is blinking. Same goes for why she leans back—knowledge of motive is implied as it is, which is a small head-hop.
Maryam has spent the seven hours from Shiraz patiently explaining the many ways in which I would be better off if I became a Shia Muslim. Now that we’re coming into the suburbs of Isfahan, she’s asked where I am staying. She is astonished Her eyes pop when she reads my scrap of paper. Her eyes pop. It’s she who tells me it’s the best street. I can see her thinking that I don’t need the help she was about to offer, and wondering why I hadn’t at least hinted that I move in these exclusive circles. “She is astonished” is another POV break. Besides, “her eyes pop” shows us rather than tells us. The last part treads a line between a head hop and not, but the “I can see” give it permission.
I’m just as surprised as she is: I’ve not yet met the person I’m going to stay with, but Iranian hospitality has swung into its usual high gear and Farideh, the sister of a friend of a friend, has invited me to her home. Maryam repeats her earlier question as to why I’m in Iran – perhaps she’s actually going to listen to the answers this time – and I say again that, four hundred years ago, Shah Abbas the Great walked twelve hundred kilometres kilometers from Isfahan to the Holy City of Mashhad. I’m here to find out more about his walk. I want to be the first person to retrace his journey. The “she’s actually going to listen” statement is another POV shift that adding something like “perhaps” fixes.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
My clients talk about the editing I do:
"Ray has been the most influential part of my writing process. I don't know what I would have done without him! His advice has taken my writing to a new level and I can't believe the growth I've seen in my own processes! I would recommend Ray to anyone looking for a professional, yet personal editing approach. I can't say enough about how happy I am that I've had him to work with or about the turn my writing has taken because of his help!" Jennifer Bush
Visit my website for more info on services and fees.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.