Literary agent Janet Reid posted links on her blog to uproariously funny product reviews on Amazon. She suggests there may be a new art form. I think she’s right. You’ll find links to several pages of reviews on her website.
Here’s an excerpt from a review for sugarless Gummy Bears:
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after
eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can
tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that
tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste
fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell
broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever
imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food
poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park
compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets
calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses
vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own
odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel
Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It
felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a
torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was
actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I
could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the
early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at
my wedding in 2005.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey