Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Jared: would you turn the first page?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.

Submissions to FtQ wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Jared sends the first chapter of Human Error, a young adult dystopian novel.

Skyle’s armscreen was blank, like always. The gray display integrated into the flesh of his right forearm declared him to be nothing. Not a warrior. Not a cook. Not a breeder. Not even a servant. Nothing. Just a blank. In thirty days that would change or he’d die.

Skyle smirked as he passed the council chambers. They didn’t allow blanks to leave the village. Everyone else was going to the duel. This time, so was he.

He blended with the crowd flooding the cobblestone street and funneling their way through the gates. The guards on top of the walls were too preoccupied with keeping the mob moving to notice Skyle. Most everyone was taller than him, but he crouched to hide his white tunic.

Once outside the village, Skyle made a break for the forest. He hustled up and down the hills, carefully avoiding the ravines leading to the forbidden mountains just to the north.

He arrived on top of a hill where he knew he could watch the duel without being discovered. Skyle squinted. A figure crouched in the shadows below. The camouflage cloak blended with the scrub oak and underbrush, but a sliver of red betrayed him. It was a warrior, with his back to Skyle.

Perfect.

Skyle carefully maneuvered down the steep slope toward the unsuspecting warrior. The (snip)

A strong, likeable voice in an immediate scene start this opening off right. The world is introduced smoothly in the context of the character. While I think this could be a little tighter to move a stronger story question from the second page to this one (you'll see what, and there's a second poll), I turned the page. Notes:

Skyle’s armscreen was blank, like always. The gray display integrated into the flesh of his right forearm declared him to be nothing. Not a warrior. Not a cook. Not a breeder. Not even a servant. Nothing. Just a blank. In thirty days that would change or he’d die. I think it would help to know the significance of the thirtieth day. If it’s a birthday that establishes his age, I’d include it . . . In thirty days, on his seventeenth birthday, that would change or he’d die.

Skyle smirked as he passed the council chambers. They didn’t allow blanks to leave the village. Everyone else was going to the duel. This time, so was he.

He blended with the crowd flooding the cobblestone street and funneling their way through the gates. The guards on top of the walls were too preoccupied with keeping the mob moving to notice Skyle. Most everyone was taller than him, but he crouched to hide his white tunic. While this is nice description, it’s not really necessary—and it contains an inconsistency: how could he blend with the crowd if he’s wearing the only white tunic. Cutting this gives room for three new lines to be added at the end.

Once outside the village, Skyle made a break for the forest. He hustled up and down the hills, carefully avoiding the ravines leading to the forbidden mountains just to the north.He arrived on top of a hill where he knew he could watch the duel without being discovered. Skyle squinted. A figure crouched in the shadows below. The camouflage cloak blended with the scrub oak and underbrush, but a sliver of red betrayed him. It was a warrior, with his back to Skyle.

Perfect.

Skyle carefully maneuvered down the steep slope toward the unsuspecting warrior. The raucous crowds gathering on adjacent hills masked the sounds of his footsteps. He shoved the man’s shoulder.

The warrior shrieked and flopped several feet down the hill. I think adding these lines really raise the level of tension and it's worth the sacrifice of the description earler.

What do you think of working to add these lines to the first page?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"I'm quite stunned really because your edit and advice are so utterly fantastic! I paid for an edit of a different novel a few years ago and was thoroughly disappointed, but you really hit the mark with everything you said (and you spotted straight away one of my main weaknesses: scene-setting - I can see it in my head and struggle to get it onto the page!). I was really blown away."    Keris Stainton

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogometer for Meg: would you turn the first page?

Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.

Submissions to FtQ wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

My apologies: I got wrapped up in work today and forgot to flog until now. At any rate, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Meg sends a first chapter of Tyger Claw, an urban fantasy. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

"You're dead," I repeat. "I told you." I suppress a sniff of impatience. The stunned lack of acceptance of a prey-person always irritates me a little. Do they think I stalk them for their health?

Well, I don't. I stalk them to make them dead.

I'm crouching beside the head of my latest target, the fingers of my left hand pressed gently to his forehead. I have to wait for him to assimilate my words. That often happens with the newly dead. My brother Keeth has told me more than once that when I'm sure I've completed a job, I need to leave the scene. I just can't bring myself to do that unless I have no alternative. It's my caring, nurturing nature that keeps me here. Or maybe it's my Church training. Whatever. I always prefer to help shepherd my victims into their new future as a dead person.

This particular prey-person, though, is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure why, exactly. Something about the ease with which I've taken him out bothers me. It's all been a little too simple. Just sneak into his private plumeria garden, the one he refuses to allow anyone else to enter, including the expensive Guardians he pays to protect him. Then a drop from a tree branch onto his shoulders, a tug on his head to bare his throat, and a quick slash with my ultra-sharp bagh nakh claws before jumping away. Poof. This job was (snip)

I like the voice quite a lot, and the casual way this world is introduced to us. Those things lifted just a hint of trouble ahead to enough tension to get me to turn the page. Nice work, and the rest of the chapter keeps the fun going. My vote: yes. But this opening page could be a little stronger, I think. Notes

"You're dead," I repeat. "I told you." I suppress a sniff of impatience. The stunned lack of acceptance of a prey-person always irritates me a little. Do they think I stalk them for their health?

Well, I don't. I stalk them to make them dead.

I'm crouching beside the head of my latest target, the my fingers of my left hand pressed gently to his forehead. I have to wait for him to assimilate my words. That often happens with the newly dead. My brother Keeth has told me more than once that when I'm sure I've completed a job, I need to leave the scene. I just can't bring myself to do that unless I have no alternative. It's my caring, nurturing nature that keeps me here. Or maybe it's my Church training. Whatever. I always prefer to help shepherd my victims into their new future as a dead person. I take pride in providing a quality death experience for my prey. The trims in the first sentence are to crisp it up by removing a little overwriting—whether it’s the left hand or right don’t matter to the story. The added line in red is from the next page. With the cuts to the first of this paragraph, there’s room for it. It heightens the level of my interest in this character.

This particular prey-person, though, is getting on my nerves. I'm not sure why, exactly. Something about the ease with which I've taken him out bothers me. It's all been a little too simple. Just sneak into his private plumeria garden, the one he refuses to allow anyone else to enter, including the expensive Guardians he pays to protect him. Then a drop from a tree branch onto his shoulders, a tug on his head to bare his throat, and a quick slash with my ultra-sharp bagh nakh claws before jumping away. Poof. This job was (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Make your setting a character

Agent Donald Maass writes a thoughtful and instructive article (he’s always like that) about How to make your setting a character on the Writer’s Digest website. In other places I’ve seen Donald talk about the technique I advocate that I call experiential description—coloring the description of a place, person, or action with how a character sees things—but in this article he ranges wider than that. Very instructive.

He first discusses how to link details and emotions. He says that it is the combination of setting details and the emotions attached that can make place a living thing.

Another way he talks about bringing setting alive is to measure change over time. The way a place is in winter is a different “character” than it is in the spring, and affects characters in different ways.

Another section is about seeing through characters’ eyes, but in a different manner than experiential description—infusing a character with a strong opinion about his place or time.

Check it out. Maass is great at analyzing the narrative art and discussing it.

For what it's worth,

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Caroline: would you turn the first page?

Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.

Submissions to FtQ wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Caroline sends a first chapter of Salt Desert. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Iranian women are either super-groomed or obviously pious, and I’m neither. I am, however, staying in the best street in Isfahan. Beside me on the bus, Maryam blinks as she tries to work out what I’m up to. She leans back to check out my rumpled headscarf and cheap manteau: the minimum legal coverings for women in Iran.

Maryam has spent the seven hours from Shiraz patiently explaining the many ways in which I would be better off if I became a Shia Muslim. Now that we’re coming into the suburbs of Isfahan, she’s asked where I am staying. She is astonished when she reads my scrap of paper. Her eyes pop. It’s she who tells me it’s the best street. I can see her thinking that I don’t need the help she was about to offer, and wondering why I hadn’t at least hinted that I move in these exclusive circles.

I’m just as surprised as she is: I’ve not yet met the person I’m going to stay with, but Iranian hospitality has swung into its usual high gear and Farideh, the sister of a friend of a friend has invited me to her home. Maryam repeats her earlier question as to why I’m in Iran – she’s actually going to listen to the answers this time – and I say again that, four hundred years ago, Shah Abbas the Great walked twelve hundred kilometres from Isfahan to the Holy City of Mashhad. I’m here to find out more about his walk. I want to be the first person to retrace his journey.

This nicely written entry into a world that I know nothing about makes it inviting. Caroline tells me that this a fictionalized cross between travel and history. The immersion into that environment will probably be an interesting read. However, in terms of storytelling, there wasn’t much in the way of tension here, nor story questions raised. Is there an inciting incident where the narrator’s life/plans are endangered and she needs to do something about it? On the craft side, there's a tendency to shift from one POV to the other and back.

One other thing that might be a good idea to include somehow—the timeframe when this happens. Is it now? Before sanctions? During sanctions? Iran has been much in the news for a while now, and I think the reader needs to be oriented in the when of this story. Later the character (it would be good to find a way to work in her name) encounters young men carrying machine guns, and that adds an ominous note, though nothing happens. Good voice, interesting world, but not a compelling page for me. My vote: no. Notes:

Iranian women are either super-groomed or obviously pious, and I’m neither. I am, however, staying in the best street in Isfahan. Beside me on the bus, Maryam blinks as she tries to work out what I’m up to. She leans back to and checks check out my rumpled headscarf and cheap manteau: the minimum legal coverings for women in Iran. There’s a POV shift into Maryam’s head and back here. The narrator can’t know why she is blinking. Same goes for why she leans back—knowledge of motive is implied as it is, which is a small head-hop.

Maryam has spent the seven hours from Shiraz patiently explaining the many ways in which I would be better off if I became a Shia Muslim. Now that we’re coming into the suburbs of Isfahan, she’s asked where I am staying. She is astonished Her eyes pop when she reads my scrap of paper. Her eyes pop. It’s she who tells me it’s the best street. I can see her thinking that I don’t need the help she was about to offer, and wondering why I hadn’t at least hinted that I move in these exclusive circles. “She is astonished” is another POV break. Besides, “her eyes pop” shows us rather than tells us. The last part treads a line between a head hop and not, but the “I can see” give it permission.

I’m just as surprised as she is: I’ve not yet met the person I’m going to stay with, but Iranian hospitality has swung into its usual high gear and Farideh, the sister of a friend of a friend, has invited me to her home. Maryam repeats her earlier question as to why I’m in Iran – perhaps she’s actually going to listen to the answers this time – and I say again that, four hundred years ago, Shah Abbas the Great walked twelve hundred kilometres kilometers from Isfahan to the Holy City of Mashhad. I’m here to find out more about his walk. I want to be the first person to retrace his journey. The “she’s actually going to listen” statement is another POV shift that adding something like “perhaps” fixes.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My clients talk about the editing I do:

"Ray has been the most influential part of my writing process. I don't know what I would have done without him! His advice has taken my writing to a new level and I can't believe the growth I've seen in my own processes! I would recommend Ray to anyone looking for a professional, yet personal editing approach. I can't say enough about how happy I am that I've had him to work with or about the turn my writing has taken because of his help!"    Jennifer Bush

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Flogometer for Marlene: would you turn the first page?

Beta readers wanted for Gundown, a speculative thriller. Opening page, poll, and first chapter in previous post here.

Submissions to FtQ wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Marlene sends a first chapter of Mighty Mike and the Interstellar Candy Dispenser, a middle-grade novel. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

According to The List of Chumps to be Pounded After School, today was hang-Mike-like-a-pinata-Thursday. Mike sat in the middle of the four-tiered bleachers at the community park, fairly certain Brutus wouldn’t drag him away in front of everyone else.

Crack!

He jerked around.  Just Little League batting practice. Mike gritted his teeth and hoped no one saw his panic. He was not going to hide in his house like a friendless dork. Until he escaped to outer space, being alert and running fast would have to save him.

Turning back to the soccer field, Mike pulled out the letter his teacher had written for his Space Camp application. More than avoiding Brutus, he desperately wanted special approval to attend the Space Camp Academy section two years early.

“C’mon Mike, we need another player.” Carlos stood with his hands spread wide and his usual grin smeared across his face.

Demonstrating his sorry soccer skills was not his favorite after-school activity, but Mike could never turn down his best—and only—friend. Besides, reading science fiction books on the bleachers just encouraged the dork title. He carefully folded the letter and put it into a back pocket.

Pretending he couldn’t run fast enough to get to the ball wouldn’t work, because (snip)

This starts off signaling fun ahead, and the writing keeps its light tone and engaging voice. The character is a likeable underdog and stirs sympathy in me (I could have been him). But then the narrative devotes itself to set-up rather than something happening. This may be necessary for middle grade readers—on the other hand, it could probably have been woven in. I suspect the real story starts in chapter two, and encourage Marlene to look at starting closer to the inciting event (it isn’t in this chapter) that impacts his life in a significant way. You can characterize him and let us know stuff while that happens, it seems to me. My vote: no but with encouragement. Notes:

According to The List of Chumps to be Pounded After School, today was hang-Mike-like-a-pinata-Thursday. Mike sat in the middle of the four-tiered bleachers at the community park, fairly certain Brutus wouldn’t drag him away in front of everyone else. I like the promise of humor and a skillful light touch in the voice here. And it promises conflict ahead.

Crack!

He jerked around.  Just Little League batting practice. Mike gritted his teeth and hoped no one saw his panic. He was not going to hide in his house like a friendless dork. Until he escaped to outer space, being alert and running fast would have to save him. While the cut bits did help in showing his tension, it seemed to me to be a side trip and that his inner monologue did the job just fine. Introducing the notion of escaping into outer space raises a strong story question.

Turning back to the soccer field, Mike pulled out the letter his teacher had written for his Space Camp application. More than avoiding Brutus, he desperately wanted special approval to attend the Space Camp Academy section two years early. Uh-oh, a bit of info dump. I think this should go and wait until later.

“C’mon Mike, we need another player.” Carlos stood with his hands spread wide and his usual grin smeared across his face.

Demonstrating his sorry soccer skills was not his Mike’s favorite after-school activity, but Mike he could never turn down his best—and only—friend. Besides, reading science fiction books on the bleachers just encouraged the dork title. He carefully folded the letter and put it into a back pocket. Edits to assure clarity of pronoun, which could refer to Carlos. Since Mike is not currently or apparently planning to read a science fiction book, that reference didn’t seem to advance the story, though I’ll admit it does characterize. But so does the rest of the narrative.

Pretending he couldn’t run fast enough to get to the ball wouldn’t work, because (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Writers talk about the editing I do:

"When I finished writing my novel, I knew there were problems, but I couldn't pin them down. Like most writers, I had become too close to my writing to see objectively. My friends were more concerned about my feelings than being helpful. Realizing I needed a pair of experienced eyes, I sent my manuscript to Ray Rhamey. When I received it back, I was simply amazed.

Apart from his fantastic editing work, Ray gave me an intensive and comprehensive lesson on writing. He improved the pace of my story, pointed out errors in grammar, plot, and point of view. His critique was honest, encouraging, and straightforward. Ray does not hold back.

I recommend Ray to all serious writers in search of keen eyes to dissect their manuscripts and make them the best they can be."    David Junior

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Want a good read for the holidays? Free?

Beta readers wanted.

I revisted a novel of mine with unexpected results. This time I was touched by the characters and what happens to them in a way I hadn't been before. Was it me just getting older and sappier, or does the narrative really have the capability of doing that? Just what does this story do for readers? And does it do enough of whatever that is to make it worth paying for?

Gundown is a thriller, and it is speculative fiction in that it takes place a few years from now and there are things in the story that haven't happened (yet). Other than that, it’s grounded in today’s reality.

I've done some rewriting, retitled it, created a new cover design, and I’d like to find beta readers who can give me feedback. I just don’t know what/how to think about this book anymore (one reason there's no blurb here).

I've tried marketing it as a thriller and as an issues novel. Where do its best chances lie in its present form? How to present it, or should I just let it rest?

I can email to you a PDF, a Kindle file, or an .epub (Nook and other readers) file. All I ask is that you read it as a reader and give me your reactions—perhaps in review form or whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m not looking for line editing, but any notes you have are welcome. More than that, I'm interested in a dialogue with readers about how to think and talk about it.

In the tradition of FtQ, I’m posting the opening page to see if there are any takers (yes, there's a poll). But today you’ll also be able to read the rest of the chapter. Your comments will be welcome.

The opening page of Gundown.

Jewel wove through the lunchtime crowd that filled the plaza beside the Chicago River. A breeze reeking of car exhaust swirled around the skyscrapers, but she liked its soft touch. She imagined she could feel the spring sun turn­ing her mocha skin a shade darker.

The Wrigley Building clock said she had time to do a little window-shopping, so she headed up Michigan Avenue for Water Tower Place, not that she could afford anything in the boutiques there.

Two white dudes slouching against a gun store smacked kisses her way. A green stripe ran down the center of the blond’s buzz-cut hair, and a red do-rag decorated the smaller guy’s shaved head—he cupped his crotch and puckered at her. Ugh. She picked up her pace, her miniskirt riding high. They pushed off from the store and swung into step on each side of her.

Green-Stripe crowded against her. His sour stink assaulted her, and the skin on her arms goose-bumped. He said, “Hey, Brown Sugar.”

She wanted to say “I’m not your sugar,” but no, just keep going. Staring straight ahead, she said, “There’s a cop back there.”

He laughed. “Yeah. Murphy.”

Wishing she wasn’t wearing high heels, she broke into a run and darted between a couple holding hands.

Click the link below for the rest of the chapter. If you'd like to go ahead and request a beta reader copy now, just email me with the format you want--PDF, Kindle, and Nook etc. formats.

Ray

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Flogometer for Michael: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Michael sends a first chapter of . . . well, I’m not sure. He’s returning after a flog of his noir story, Neon, and this may be a new pass at that. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

In the business, it’s what we refer to as “the hook”. It’s a delicate thing, when done right, yet strong as steel once it’s set. And let me tell you, it was coming…and I think I knew it. I think I wanted it.

She sat across from me, small and afraid in a sea of animals. The smoke from a hundred cigarettes eerily crept across the expanse between us, catching the lights from the bar and bathing her in a ghostly luminosity. She was like a dream. Something forged deep in the recesses of my brain, pieces and parts stitched together across a lifetime of experiences and created with only one purpose. To haunt me.

Her proposition was impossible. I had been running it through my head on repeat all night, testing every theory, running every con I could think of, trying to find an angle to play on her behalf. This was what I did. I solved problems. But she was backed into a corner, and everywhere she turned was a checkmate move. She was done, all her plans had fallen apart, and now, with nothing left to lose, she had tracked me down.

She needed help, and I needed rent; but I was done. I had a broken marriage and more than a few broken bones and not much else to show for my time in the streets. All I had left was a promise, a fragile, tenuous thing that I was clinging to like a life raft, all while the waters of city life steadily rose, churning, around me. The words were there, I swear they were. I heard them in my (snip)

Michael is a strong writer and evokes the noir mood well. I know he worked on this piece with a focus on raising story questions, the kind that gets pages turned on FtQ. But, for this reader, there were a few key pieces of information lacking. It may be that what’s missing was intended to raise questions, but, for me, their vagueness didn’t contribute to ‘what happens next?’ My vote: almost a yes, which is still a no. Notes:

In the business, it’s what we refer to as “the hook”. It’s a delicate thing, when done right, yet strong as steel once it’s set. And let me tell you, it was coming…and I think I knew it. I think I wanted it. Perhaps this is a good thing to do as a noir opening, but it’s not as involving or provocative for me as the next paragraph is.

She sat across from me, small and afraid in a sea of animals. The smoke from a hundred cigarettes eerily crept across the expanse between us, catching the lights from the bar and bathing her in a ghostly luminosity. She was like a dream. Something forged deep in the recesses of my brain, pieces and parts stitched together across a lifetime of experiences and created with only one purpose. To haunt me. For me, this would have been a stronger opening paragraph. It sets the scene, introduces an interesting character, and makes me curious about the narrator.

Her proposition was impossible. I had been running it through my head on repeat all night, testing every theory, running every con I could think of, trying to find an angle to play on her behalf. This was what I did. I solved problems. But she was backed into a corner, and everywhere she turned was a checkmate move. She was done, all her plans had fallen apart, and now, with nothing left to lose, she had tracked me down. My problem here is that her “proposition” is unspecified. For me, not having a clue as to what the problem is saps the rest of the paragraph of meaning. What corner? What plans? How serious? Maybe her trouble is deep, but we have no idea if it will mean anything to us, if it's something we would connect with. If we knew what her proposition was, then we could, perhaps, have a sense of what he faces. But we don’t.

She needed help, and I needed rent; but I was done. I had a broken marriage and more than a few broken bones and not much else to show for my time in the streets. All I had left was a promise, a fragile, tenuous thing that I was clinging to like a life raft, all while the waters of city life steadily rose, churning, around me. The words were there, I swear they were. I heard them in my (snip) The second piece of missing information that might have been absent to raise a story question is what the promise he refers to is. But without knowing what the promise is, what follows again didn’t connect with me. Another is this: what words does “the words were there” refer to? I think they might have been him saying no, but that’s not clear to me. So we have a clarity issue here as well.

I think ambiguity created by writers who deliberately withhold key information in hopes of making the reader want to know what it is miss the mark on raising tension and story questions. The technique could be called raising information questions, not raising story questions. Give us the meat we need to chew on as characters react to what’s happening to them in ways that make us want to know what comes next.

The chapter was very short. Only a few lines on the next page remained, and they ended with this, which would have been a reason for me to turn the page.

And then she looked at me with those huge, liquid eyes, and the hook was set.

“I’m in.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Writers talk about the editing I do:

"When I finished writing my novel, I knew there were problems, but I couldn't pin them down. Like most writers, I had become too close to my writing to see objectively. My friends were more concerned about my feelings than being helpful. Realizing I needed a pair of experienced eyes, I sent my manuscript to Ray Rhamey. When I received it back, I was simply amazed.

Apart from his fantastic editing work, Ray gave me an intensive and comprehensive lesson on writing. He improved the pace of my story, pointed out errors in grammar, plot, and point of view. His critique was honest, encouraging, and straightforward. Ray does not hold back.

I recommend Ray to all serious writers in search of keen eyes to dissect their manuscripts and make them the best they can be."    David Junior

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Melanie: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Melanie sends the first chapter of Initiate of Stone. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Ferathainn: Deadly secrets, Hartsgrove, Uistaya Eve, 200 sunspans After the Cataclysm

 

The Hart’s Grove sensed my approach, the spirits of the trees sighing in greeting.

What troubles you, my friends? They only sighed again and I attributed their sadness to the turning of the sun, the falling of leaves, and the slow withdrawal of sap, though the season had never before elicited such sorrow from them. Festival day freedom lightened my step and made me careless. I’d have floated if not for Master Aeldred’s plodding progress, punctuated by his thumping staff, dragging behind me, keeping me grounded.

I entered the grove—which lent its name to my village—from the east, through the birches which grew on either side of the gate. Shouldering my bag, I reached out and slid my fingers over the smooth bark. I touched the ragged scar of a knot and a curl of its paper peeling back. The scents of decay and moldering leaves swirled about me, but the sun shone clear, the day bright. A breeze sent dapples of sunlight through the branching shadows cast by the centuries-old trees. Twenty-seven paces carried me from the outer edge of the grove to the altar stone squatting at its center. Three times three times three. Compound sanctity.

The spirits of the deer huffed welcome at me while the deer grazed the grass trim and pruned suckers as the grove directed. The buck bugled warning and the deer leapt away at the sound of Master Aeldred’s shuffling steps as he followed me into the grove.

There’s lovely, evocative writing here, and the rest of the chapter was much the same. And yet . . . while the opening page introduces us to a magical fantasy world, it doesn’t give a sense of what the story is about, or what might face this character. The chapter spends some time on set-up, but then reveals things that do raise story questions, although it ended with no troubles ahead for the protagonist (a girl of 14, by the way). She gains knowledge that hint at big secrets to be revealed, but there’s nothing that tells the reader that there is any jeopardy attached.

I think Melanie should locate the inciting incident—it’s not in this chapter—that really turns the character's life upside down and start there. I suspect that much of the setup, while it did paint a picture of this world, isn’t really necessary. The world and her ability can be shown while something really happens. That opening chapter I’d be interested in seeing. My vote: no. Notes:

Ferathainn: Deadly secrets, Hartsgrove, Uistaya Eve, 200 sunspans After the Cataclysm For me, this kind of information gets in the way, and I usually skip it. Unless all of that is VITAL to what happens in the story, why take up space with it?

 

The Hart’s Grove sensed my approach, the spirits of the trees sighing in greeting. Later there's a comment on clarity about this grove--it seems to have a center. My problem could be addressed here with something such as: . . . the spirits of the circle of trees sighing in greeting.

What troubles you, my friends? They only sighed again and I attributed their sadness to the turning of the sun, the falling of leaves, and the slow withdrawal of sap, though the season had never before elicited such sorrow from them. Festival day freedom lightened my step and made me careless. I’d have floated if not for Master Aeldred’s plodding progress, punctuated by his thumping staff, dragging behind me, keeping me grounded.

I entered the grove—which lent its name to my village—from the east, through the birches which grew on either side of the gate. Shouldering my bag, I reached out and slid my fingers over the smooth bark. I touched the ragged scar of a knot and a curl of its paper peeling back. The scents of decay and moldering leaves swirled about me, but the sun shone clear, the day bright. A breeze sent dapples of sunlight through the branching shadows cast by the centuries-old trees. Twenty-seven paces carried me from the outer edge of the grove to the altar stone squatting at its center. Three times three times three. Compound sanctity. The scene isn’t setting up clearly for me. “Center” implies a circle of trees, but this is a grove, which is a bunch of trees. If the grove is circular, then it needs to be shown that way.

The spirits of the deer huffed welcome at me while the deer grazed the grass trim and pruned suckers as the grove directed. The buck bugled warning and the deer leapt away at the sound of Master Aeldred’s shuffling steps as he followed me into the grove. The deer are not important to the story, only to her ability to deal with the spirits of things. She’s already done that with the trees, and will do that with others later. So this isn’t really necessary and takes up space. I’d cut it.

If you want to keep this opening chapter, then I think you should look for a way to foreshadow trouble to come—in this case, a mysterious “betrayal” and an insight into her origins. The sad trees, for example, could also give a sense of trouble ahead for her that she can pick up but not understand until things happen. Still, I’d look later for the real start of the story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"What should I thank you for the most? Being always there for me to hammer you with questions? Encouraging and coaching me? Teaching me the ropes in a way no business-weary pro would? Going way beyond our agreement and your duties just to make sure everything was the best it could be? Giving me fair and blunt criticism at all times? Suggesting ways to fix the many problems you pointed out? No. That would be incomplete. It would only recognize you as the professional editor that you are. I want to thank you for making polishing my book--given the shape of the first draft, a daunting and apparently impossible job--a real pleasure. "    Georges Melhem

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Why Agents Reject 96% of Author Submissions

Author Heather Hummel specifies 5 problems that cause 96% of submissions to be rejected by agents and offers solutions for each one in this article. The problems she addresses are:

1. Failure to follow submission guidelines
2. Genre confusion
3. Your query letter sucks
4. Nonfiction is a different beast than fiction
5. Spelling and grammar

Heather is a “photonovelist” who combines a love for photography with writing. Her published works include two novels, two non-fiction titles, and essays.

Of course, fixing the problems Heather lists are no guarantee of making it into the magical 4%. The nature and perceived marketability of your story still control the outcome. Back when I was submitting to agents I assure you that I made none of those errors yet, despite “I love the writing” responses I got, I also got “I don’t know where to sell it” responses.

Ah, well.

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Seeing as how my FtQ writing book is subtitled "Crafting a novel that sells," perhaps it won't be totally inappropriate to include here a new review titled "One of the best" that I found on Amazon.

"This is one of the outstanding "how to" books about writing. It is full of meaningful examples and clear, concise explanations of what to do, what not to do, and how to improve one's writing. So many books on writing promise to teach but the few lessons contained in the work are lost among too many words about the author, the point being made, or the author's experiences. FTQ is more like a handbook that you can refer to over and over without having to slog through hundreds of words that obscure the point being made. I keep it right beside two other favorites, Self Editing for Fiction Writers by Dave King and Renni Browne and On Writing by Stephen King.I highly recommend this book for aspiring writers and for experienced writers."

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Jim: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted.If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Jim sends the first chapter of Smoke. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Y’know, they had this phrase -- don’t know if they still use it. Smoked ‘em. That’s what they’d say. Or, He got smoked. Means one thing. Don’t know how it got out into general usage. I’m guessing some people in the biz started using it and then as those things happen, it leaked somehow. But it was out there. It got brought to my attention, as if it’d somehow been my fault. ‘Cause I guess it got a little popular for a while. But I can tell you one thing -- I bet you no one who used it had any clue it was named after me.

He doesn’t sound proud. Or ashamed. He says it the way he says everything else. Unemotional. Even-toned. Almost monotone. Just a fact. Just another fact of life. And death.

The conversation’s just entered its second hour. He doesn’t come across as evasive. Or effusive. But so far he hasn’t divulged many details. He answers politely. Succinct at times. Loquacious at others. Whichever way says the least.

He has all the time in the world to answer questions.

He sits on a steel bench in a twelve-by-twelve room. There are minimal accommodations. A small bed, not much wider than a cot, fastened to the wall. Square metal table, exactly three feet on each side. A matching metal seat for it, bolted to the floor. A stainless steel sink and matching toilet with no lid or rim. And a three-tiered bookshelf holding several binders along with a few books and a stack of old magazines which have numerous random bits and sections cut out of the (snip)

There are times when voice can pull you through even though not much is happening, or sometimes it’s a rich new world. For me, despite the strong writing skills Jim shows, this wasn’t one of those times. Besides Jim’s decision to not use quotation marks on dialogue, there’s no clue as to what this story is about. And nothing much happens except detailed description of what is clearly some sort of prison cell.

There's a lot of "telling" happening here, too--it's possible to show that someone is loquacious at times and succinct at others, that he is polite, unemotional. Yes, sometimes summary is the thing to do, but here?

You learn later that this person is one of the most dangerous people on the planet. And that he has a talent that appears to be teleporting or something like that. But not why he’s dangerous.

While I’m a believer that there are no rules and if something works, that’s fine, but for me the omission of quotation marks is not a winner. Why throw obstacles in the reader’s way? I had to stop and figure out why the first paragraph doesn’t seem connected with the second. The reason is that the first is dialogue and the second is narrative. But you get no clues to that. As an editor, I’d encourage Jim to do two things—use quotes, and start the story later, when something is happening. All of the first chapter is, basically, set-up, a couple-thousand words worth. My vote: no.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor."    Lynn Knight

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey