Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Andrew: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Andrew sends the prologue and first chapter of Descent into Madness. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Prologue

He regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed was that his breathing was heavy and difficult. The steady sound of it contrasted with the crackling of a nearby torch, the constant rhythm having an almost calming effect in the dead silence of the room. The man focused on the sound for a few seconds. How calming it seemed without the echo of tortured screams. He structured his thoughts, and then tore them down and scattered them. He didn't bother to open his eyes, for he had already counted all the stones in the ceiling and had memorized the location of each irregularly shaped one, though there weren't many. There was one that he had decided looked like the face of his brother, or perhaps it was his priest; he wasn't really sure what either of them looked like anymore, or what he himself looked like for that matter. Maybe he wanted the stone to look like the face of a sheep. He decided he did, but then realized he wasn't really sure what a sheep's face looked like anymore either. He concluded he could just decide for himself what a sheep's face looked like; after all, who could stop him? He was free to do whatever he liked, reality be damned.

Upon that pleasant realization, he imagined he was now lying on a grand bed, wearing shining metal cufflinks, a fashionable dress shirt, an equally fashionable pair of pants, and expensive boots that were topped with a silver ring that wrapped around each of his ankles. Next to him was the bright young soul of a lover, crackling to him in some warm language and (snip)

The suggestion of something going on that involves tortured screams was a start of something, but I lost steam when it became the mind of someone musing about a ceiling and then fantasizing about clothing and a lover. A prologue need to be as riveting as the first page of a chapter, and this didn’t clear that hurdle for me. No on the prologue.

1

A scream sounded from the north. It cleaved its way into existence, jarring and harsh, vaguely human sounding but clearly not of the world into which it was intruding. The sound tore asunder the very air itself. The rabbits all turned and ran for their holes, the birds veered off course and dropped out of the skies, and the trees creaked and groaned. The dissonant sound reached the ears of the sheep dogs first, and the farmers tried in vain to calm them down before they too heard and dropped to their knees, their heads wracked with pain. Then, as sudden as the scream had begun, it cut; but its presence was still felt.

As it begun, Scenn awoke with a start. He drew his dagger, but quickly decided to put his hands to better use. A moment later, Isen awoke next to him. He first noticed Scenn on the ground with his hands clamped over his ears, then joined him as a splitting pain filled his head. The scream passed, and both men gradually staggered to their feet.

“What-” began Isen, but Scenn held up a hand, pointed to his ears, then held up a single finger to tell him to wait. Isen nodded and sat down against the ruins, groaning from the lingering pain. He reached into his bag, pulled out a flask, and took a long draught. When he had had his fill, he breathed deeply to calm himself, and then moved to examine Scenn, who sat with his head between his legs, his fingers running through his hair. Scenn drew his head up, situating it atop his hands with his arms resting on his knees.

While a bit over the top on the writing side, the opening paragraph did raise a good story question, and I wanted to know what was going on. But then craft issues—a point of view shift from Scenn to Isen, lack of where we are, and a lack of something happening ground my interest to a halt. I looked through the rest of the chapter and nothing relating to that interesting opening paragraph came along. The two men got up, walked to a town, and were deciding to go to a church service when the chapter ended. I think this narrative is starting too soon in the story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My clients talk about the editing I do:

"Ray has been the most influential part of my writing process. I don't know what I would have done without him! His advice has taken my writing to a new level and I can't believe the growth I've seen in my own processes! I would recommend Ray to anyone looking for a professional, yet personal editing approach. I can't say enough about how happy I am that I've had him to work with or about the turn my writing has taken because of his help!"    Jennifer Bush

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Good news for organic (pantser) writers

I found this article, 6 Secrets of Writing a Novel Without an Outline by Brian Klems, on Writer’s Digest. It’s definitely worth a look whether you’re an outliner or a pantser.

A sample that goes to the core of the issue:

What your story really needs is an orientation, a crisis or calling that disrupts normal life, relentless escalation of tension, and a satisfying climax. Along the way, you’ll need to make sure readers are compelled to empathize and connect with the main character(s), feel enough emotion to stay intrigued by the story, and gain enough insight to see the world with new eyes when they’re done.

Focus all of your attention at the heart of your story, keeping these essential elements and goals in mind, and you’ll begin to intuitively understand what needs to happen to drive the story forward.

When you’re informed about what makes a story work, you’re never writing from the seat of your pants. By letting your story develop organically, you’re delving deeper and deeper into the essence of what storytelling is all about.

For what it's worth.

Ray

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Writers talk about the editing I do:

"When I finished writing my novel, I knew there were problems, but I couldn't pin them down. Like most writers, I had become too close to my writing to see objectively. My friends were more concerned about my feelings than being helpful. Realizing I needed a pair of experienced eyes, I sent my manuscript to Ray Rhamey. When I received it back, I was simply amazed.

Apart from his fantastic editing work, Ray gave me an intensive and comprehensive lesson on writing. He improved the pace of my story, pointed out errors in grammar, plot, and point of view. His critique was honest, encouraging, and straightforward. Ray does not hold back.

I recommend Ray to all serious writers in search of keen eyes to dissect their manuscripts and make them the best they can be."    David Junior

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Michael: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Michael sends the prologue and first chapter of Neon, which he describes as “a sort of cyberpunk noir tale with an 80’s/90’s perspective on what the future would look like.” Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Prologue:

“Welcome to the sprawl, chum. Sexy isn’t She? Not traditionally of course – all coarse verticals built up from rough hewn horizontals, right angles replacing curves, rigid concretes in place of supple flesh – but alive and haunting and beautiful just the same. She’ll take you, given enough time. That’s how She works you know, that’s Her gig. Subtle. Tricking. She devours you and you don’t even know She’s biting you until you’re wholly gone, consumed and digested and turned into something not quite yourself. Harder. Darker. A new you, laced through with all those hard cold angles, those neon shadowed alleys, more animal than man now – you’ll have become. Born again, ya know?

The trick is seeing that it’s happening, being aware of the fact that it is, that you are, and that the city knows you. Sees you. Wants you. You can use that strange power, if you can just keep your eyes open long enough to outlast the night, to be standing there when it’s all over and dawn has broken through the steel sky, knowing who you are independent of who you are in the sprawl. Strong magic that. But it’s hard to keep that image fixed when you’re in it – I mean really in it – living and bleeding and fucking dying in the streets, surrounded by everything and everyone that’s out to distract and erode and destroy; the bangers and pimps, prostitutes and dealers, hackers and junkies and every other hat any lost soul has ever wore in this concrete jungle. Like I said man, beautiful.

Good, interesting writing, but ultimately not engaging for this reader—I’m a hardcore story fan, and that’s what I come to a novel for. This sort of philosophical overview, absent story, just don’t work for me, though I’m sure it will for others. Engage me with story first.

My vote on the prologue: no.

Chapter One

The dull thump of the house bass beat rhythmic patterns through the club, hitting like machine gun fire before dumping down to a softer caress, bouncing around the walls the way good bass does. Like it’s coming from inside you, and completely enveloping you all the same. The music in the CryJack was always solid, but it wasn’t why I was there that night. The music wasn’t why anybody was there.

I sat in a back booth, sickly dim lighting from a hundred different sources all bleeding together into that sort of ambient green glow you find in any decent hacker bar. Everything looked a little grimy, a little forgotten, but when you took the sum of all the LEDs and neons and painted their light across everything, it gave it an edge. Somehow redefining the age and condition of everything into something newer, something sharper, and definitely something a bit more dangerous. Part of the allure I guess, but it was a good a place as any for a face to face, probably better than most. Here people knew to mind their business, staying in their own circles, keeping to their own. I was completely surrounded by the crowd of players, but I was effectively alone – or I would have been, had it not been for the client sitting across from me, looking for all the world as self-assured as he could be.

I had my deck out, sitting on the table between us, cables and various hookups going this way and that to other pieces of hardware. A credstick reader, a traceback whisperbox, all typical (snip)

I like the voice quite a lot, and the writing is clean. The scene is set nicely, perhaps a little too nicely in the sense that nothing much happens and, for me, no story questions were raised. As is my practice, I looked through the rest of the chapter but was left still not knowing what the story was about, and no problems for the protagonist had shown up. In other words, it was all world-building and set-up, not story.

My vote: no.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"What should I thank you for the most? Being always there for me to hammer you with questions? Encouraging and coaching me? Teaching me the ropes in a way no business-weary pro would? Going way beyond our agreement and your duties just to make sure everything was the best it could be? Giving me fair and blunt criticism at all times? Suggesting ways to fix the many problems you pointed out? No. That would be incomplete. It would only recognize you as the professional editor that you are. I want to thank you for making polishing my book--given the shape of the first draft, a daunting and apparently impossible job--a real pleasure. "    Georges Melhem

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Chris: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Chris sends of Castle Danger. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Matt Lanier stood on the middle of Snowfall Lake, leg muscles quivering, threatening to collapse with the next gust of wind. He braced his knees with his hands to hold himself upright. If he sat, he doubted he could stand again, let alone walk, even with the stabilization his snowshoes gave him. Each icy inhale of air seared his throat. A double-time heartbeat pounded in his chest and temples. He'd hit the same invisible wall long-distance runners hit near the end of a marathon, except his wall was frozen. His choices were simple: keep walking or die.

A jolt of fear shocked his heart. The only way he was going to survive was to jettison his cargo on the makeshift sled tethered to his waist. He looked back at the mummy-shaped load, hoping the decision had been made for him. But wisps of breath sifted through a frosted patch of the black scarf covering his passenger's face. Well I'll be damned. Matt expelled a short, humorless gallows laugh and shook his head. Looks like I keep walking.

He'd wrestled with his conscience a hundred times that day. If he'd ignored the man's emergency flare yesterday, he'd be snug and warm in his campsite for the evening. Assuming a Forest Service plane didn't discover the body before ice out, if he left it here, it would sink to the bottom of the lake after ice out. The man's family and friends would never know what happened to him. Except Matt would know—and that was unacceptable. Seeing the man still breathing this late in the day decided the issue. Matt wouldn’t give up on the injured trapper until the trapper (snip)

A dramatic scene with a man struggling to safe the life of another and a very real chance of death were strong enough to move me forward. However, I think the narrative could be crisper. Good start, though.

My vote: yes. Notes:

Matt Lanier stood on the middle of Snowfall Lake, leg muscles quivering, threatening to collapse with the next gust of wind. He braced his knees with his hands to hold himself upright. If he fell sat, he doubted he could stand again, let alone walk, even with the stabilization his snowshoes gave him. Each icy inhale of air seared his throat. A double-time heartbeat pounded in his chest and temples. He'd hit the same invisible wall long-distance runners hit near the end of a marathon, except his wall was frozen. His choices were simple: keep walking or die. I’ve become a fan of not using a last name when a character is introduced unless it’s necessary info for understanding what’s going on. The knee-bracing was unclear to me, and I don’t think necessary. The snowshoes can be introduced later—now’s the time for the drama.

A jolt of fear shocked his heart. The only way he was going to survive was to jettison his the cargo on the makeshift sled tethered to his waist. He looked back at the mummy-shaped load, hoping the decision had been made for him. But wisps of breath sifted rose through a frosted patch of the black scarf covering his passenger's face. Well I'll be damned. Matt expelled a short, humorless gallows laughed and shook his head. Looks like I keep walking. I liked the "mummy-shaped" description. I’m not fond of “expelling” laughs or anything else. And the gallows reference is telling us—I think the head-shake does the job.

He'd wrestled with his conscience a hundred times that day. If he'd ignored the man's emergency flare yesterday, he'd be snug and warm in his campsite for the evening. Assuming a Forest Service plane didn't discover the body before ice out, if he left it here, If he left the body here and a Forest Service Plane didn’t discover it before ice out, it would sink to the bottom of the lake after the thaw ice out. The man's family and friends would never know what happened to him. Except Matt would know—and that was unacceptable. Seeing the man still breathing this late in the day decided the issue. Matt wouldn’t give up on the injured trapper until the trapper (snip) The phrasing in that sentence was a little convoluted. Avoid repetition of unusual phrases such as ice out, especially in the same sentence.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"Some editors try to impose their own style and taste upon a writer's work. Ray doesn't. His job is to make you the best writer you can be. He has an eagle eye for plot inconsistencies--the minor (and sometimes, major) goofs that make a reader stumble. His suggestions were invariably helpful in polishing my manuscript. I recommend Ray to any writer who wants a professional, sharp, and considerate editor."    Lynn Knight

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Pixar’s 22 rules of storytelling

BookBaby has an article titled Pixar’s 22 Rules of Storytelling (actual title of “rules” below deals with characters)—a few samples are below. Worth a look.

How to make people care about your characters: 22 things to remember when writing

#1: You admire a character for trying more than for their successes.

#4: Once upon a time there was ___. Every day, ___. One day ___. Because of that, ___. Because of that, ___. Until finally ___.

#9: When you’re stuck, make a list of what WOULDN’T happen next. Lots of times the material to get you unstuck will show up.

#16: What are the stakes? Give us reason to root for the character. What happens if they don’t succeed? Stack the odds against.

Ray

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My editing clients talk about the work I do:

"I'm quite stunned really because your edit and advice are so utterly fantastic! I paid for an edit of a different novel a few years ago and was thoroughly disappointed, but you really hit the mark with everything you said (and you spotted straight away one of my main weaknesses: scene-setting - I can see it in my head and struggle to get it onto the page!). I was really blown away."    Keris Stainton

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Christina: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Christina sends of Aftermath: the Last Ginger, which looks to be a dystopian YA story. And I think the submission is a brief but unlabeled prologue followed by the first chapter. I’m going to treat them that way. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Prologue:

I am looking at a real tree for the first time in my life.

I have seen before something that is technically a tree. It had a trunk, branches, leaves, and roots. Every building in the City has one tree in front. But those are bred, planted, and manicured. They are as well behaved as the people who planted them. The stray branch is clipped. The fallen leaf is discarded. The dying tree is uprooted and replaced.

But this tree is as a tree should be. It towers over me, at least five times my height. It is by far the tallest tree I have seen. I had no concept of the fact they could grow so big. Its hundreds of thick branches stretch out at every angle, making the tree look crazy. Some of the branches reach even farther than the rest, and it is easy for me to see the jaggedness and the knots of the bark. I once believed bark to be smooth and tan. The bark of this tree is dark, thick, and powerful. The trunk before me is as wide as three of me. It would take many more than one man to break it down.

It is beautiful.

What a good, clear voice and writing. While there’s no real action or scene here, there are story questions and clues to an interesting world—the capitalization of “City,” for example, and the contrast in the trees. And the brevity and tastiness of this little bit got me to want to read more. My vote: yes.

Chapter 1:

One. My father doesn’t usually make such an angry face when he hits me.

Two. He tends to press his lips together and stare at the wall in front of him. Sometimes he even misses and has to try again.

Three. Today he is grimacing as though he is receiving the blows himself. Perhaps he feels guilty, to be clouding my head with discipline when I should be focusing on my delegation. But Father rarely feels guilty, I think.

Four. Mother hums the Anthem as she washes dishes. I admire her ability to be cheerful all the time. It comes naturally to her somehow. I constantly find myself midway through an angry sentence before I remember to bury it within me.

Five. He is probably halfway done now. He closes his eyes as he raises the belt again and doesn’t open them when he swings it towards me.

Six. I try to imagine Father’s usual face, thin-lipped, from withholding his own speech over the years, or simply from the troubles of a grown man that I don’t understand. There’s much I don’t understand. Like why he walks in a storm of papers and sighs. Why his small midnight eyes avoid me.

Seven. It is almost over. Father never hits me more than ten times for being late to the breakfast table.

Eight. I wonder if Theodore is watching. Sometimes he sits at the top of the stairs, just barely (snip)

The strong voice continues, and a clear personality is being formed as we read. I liked the way this subtly introduces a strange new world. The mention of “the Anthem,” for example, and the reference to “my delegation.” Also striking is the protagonist’s calm while being whipped with a belt—suggests a strong character. Plenty of story questions for me—why the whipping, what will happen to this child next?

My vote: Yes -- but there is one clarity/staging issue worth pointing out—how can she (it feels like a she) see his face unless she is facing him while being hit, which seems wrong. Turns out it is wrong—on the next page she says the space between her shoulders burn. To make this clear is simple enough—just establish a reflection somewhere. Thoughtstarter: Today the kitchen window in front of me reflects grimaces that make him look as though he is receiving the blows himself.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Writers talk about the editing I do:

"Ray has been the most influential part of my writing process. I don't know what I would have done without him! His advice has taken my writing to a new level and I can't believe the growth I've seen in my own processes! I would recommend Ray to anyone looking for a professional, yet personal editing approach. I can't say enough about how happy I am that I've had him to work with or about the turn my writing has taken because of his help!"    Jennifer Bush

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joyce: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Fun (for me) trivial fact: this is post number 1111 for FtQ. It has been online since October, 2004. Wow.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Joyce sends the first chapter of BLOOD PROMISE, which looks to be urban fantasy. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

These are the fruits of promises made. They bear the weight – so firm, feel it – of sworn oaths and crossed hearts.

At dusk they flourish, ripe and heavy and hot, like a new-born baby. They grow off spindly branches, half withered, amidst weeds and lone bushes, out of sight. Come sunset, they will be easy to pluck. Warm as skin and heavy as a pheasant, yet just big enough to fit in a human palm, they snap clean off the branches without much effort required.

You would be surprised at how many there are. It often takes me the whole night to pick my fill, and then some. People make promises too easily. And not too many last, which I'm happy with, since I have no use for the un-spoilt fruits.

The bad ones, you see, are the best kind. The kind that you can gorge on, all the pleasure minus the guilt. Just one fruit alone, as big as a persimmon, can fill you up so you can barely move.

The beginning of the year is the best time for harvest. New Year resolutions, fresh starts and blank slates, all of them broken and sullied in about a month or two. Unfortunately, this is also the time when competition is the toughest, and the best fruits are meant for the fiercest monsters. But what's left is ours for the taking.

We are scavengers. Parasites, if you must. Names don't bother me; I see it as Darwinism.

This was a tricky one for me. I really enjoyed the voice, but those pronouns in the first paragraph with no antecedents bugged me a lot. I can’t see anything, either. We seem to be in a void of some kind, and I didn’t like that. But there was enough intrigue in what’s there to keep me involved.

But it could be stronger. Later the narrative refers to the fruits as “blood fruits,” and the narrator reveals that s/he is not human. Both of those things, plus some sense of context and place, could make this a real winner for me.

My vote: a tentative, it-better-be-good yes. Notes:

These are the fruits of promises made. They bear the weight – so firm, feel it – of sworn oaths and crossed hearts. As mentioned, pronouns that refer to nothing don’t work for this reader.

At dusk they flourish, ripe and heavy and hot, like a new-born baby. They grow off spindly branches, half withered, amidst weeds and lone bushes, out of sight. Come sunset, they will be easy to pluck. Warm as skin and heavy as a pheasant, yet just big enough to fit in a human palm, they snap clean off the branches without much effort required. This paragraph was where it got interesting to me. I think it could be stronger if this, taken from later in the narrative were included: fruits that no human can eat. I also think that the writer needs to set some kind of scene now. I’m uncomfortable floating in a void.

You would be surprised at how many there are. It often takes me the whole night to pick my fill, and then some. People make promises too easily. And not too many last, which I'm happy with, since I have no use for the un-spoilt fruits.

The bad ones, you see, are the best kind. The kind that you can gorge on, all the pleasure minus the guilt. Just one fruit alone, as big as a persimmon, can fill you up so you can barely move. While this is interesting, I still don’t understand what’s going on. On the next page there was a paragraph that I think would have been better placed before this one. It read: Every broken promise costs you your blood, whether you notice it or not. Often, you don't. You just feel a little light-headed at the thought of that little act of rebellion, of defying expectations. That is when the fruits grow swollen with blood, so heavy they bend the branches, staining the soil scarlet.

The beginning of the year is the best time for harvest. New Year resolutions, fresh starts and blank slates, all of them broken and sullied in about a month or two. Unfortunately, this is also the time when competition is the toughest, and the best fruits are meant for the fiercest monsters. But what's left is ours for the taking.

We are scavengers. Parasites, if you must. Names don't bother me; I see it as Darwinism. If there are additions made to the above, this might not be on the first page. If so, I would work to somehow include it because it raised more story questions for me.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Writers talk about the editing I do:

"When I finished writing my novel, I knew there were problems, but I couldn't pin them down. Like most writers, I had become too close to my writing to see objectively. My friends were more concerned about my feelings than being helpful. Realizing I needed a pair of experienced eyes, I sent my manuscript to Ray Rhamey. When I received it back, I was simply amazed.

Apart from his fantastic editing work, Ray gave me an intensive and comprehensive lesson on writing. He improved the pace of my story, pointed out errors in grammar, plot, and point of view. His critique was honest, encouraging, and straightforward. Ray does not hold back.

I recommend Ray to all serious writers in search of keen eyes to dissect their manuscripts and make them the best they can be."    David Junior

Visit my website for more info on services and fees.

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

“The road to hell is paved with adverbs”

Who said that? Stephen King, a fella who knows a little about writing. You’ll find that quote and 71 others in this post, “72 of the Best Quotes about Writing” at Writer’s Digest.

A couple more to whet your appetite:

“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”
—Ernest Hemingway

“Plot is people. Human emotions and desires founded on the realities of life, working at cross purposes, getting hotter and fiercer as they strike against each other until finally there’s an explosion—that’s Plot.”
—Leigh Brackett, WD

Plus an apology--in my frequently obsessive way, I got lost in a book design project on Friday and forgot to post a flogging. But it'll happen on Wednesday.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

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Flogometer for David: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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David sends the first chapter of Coryell’s Ferry. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

At midnight, Nathan Bye was startled by the punch of hoof beats on Quaker Lane when a wave of riders on horseback, some holding torches aloft, cantered down from the north and blotted out the yellow lanterns in the village. He threw on his coat, tucked a pistol in his pocket, and hurried outdoors to keep watch. His wife Susan, who was with child, and precious baby boy Oliver were asleep in bed upstairs. It was the cusp of winter. In the clear, starry sky, a half-moon shone over Trenton. Everyone knew the danger of racing a horse at such reckless speed. Cold air had moved in two weeks ago and fastened its grip over West Jersey now. The roads, nothing but a batter of mud and shit that would suck off a man’s boots when thawed, were nubbled with ice and shot with holes the size of stew pots. A horse could break a leg in one of the slippery ruts and dash its foolish rider to his death. It must be strangers. Or a gang of mad men.

Bye slipped into the shadows with the stealth of a thief. The horses thundered past him mere yards away and churned up clots of icy mud onto his trousers. He could smell their wet hides and the sharp scent of the burning pitch from the torches. When the riders hollered to each other in a foreign but familiar tongue, he knew they were not mad men at all but more soldiers who were retiring from the war for the winter. He imagined their joy at thinking they would now be able to sleep in featherbeds instead of thin rolls on the cold ground and have decent victuals besides dried out, dirty roots they dug up and rodents they managed to snare. But he knew better.

There’s some nice writing here, but for me there wasn’t much in the way of story questions raised or tension. He doesn’t seem to be troubled by the arrival of the soldiers, and they don’t threaten him. The rest of the chapter amounts to mostly set-up—there is one tense encounter with some soldiers, but that’s quickly resolved and the chapter ends with the protagonist going to bed.

I think the opening is little unclear—where is Nathan when he is startled? Was he awakened? It’s midnight, and he would normally be asleep from what I understand of his life. If he were awakened in his bed next to his wife, she could more easily be included. All that said, I think the story starts later when something happens to upset his life.

Taking place in revolutionary times in America, the protagonist is a loyalist, so there could be an interesting story here—but the opening (nor the first chapter) doesn’t give us an idea of what the story is about. As I said, look later for a stronger starting point.

Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.”   Arwen

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Teen romance opportunity

In a blog post titled How to Write Great Romance you’ll not only read some writing tips but you’ll also learn about an opportunity to submit YA romance manuscripts to Swoon Reads, a new teen romance imprint at Macmillan Publishing. From the post:

Writers can upload their finished teen romance novels for submission, and then our community of readers can read, rate, and comment on them. If enough Readers agree, the most Swoonworthy manuscripts will be published in both print and e-book formats. These Swoonworthy novels will be given the full publishing treatment - a standard Macmillan Publishing contract (with a $15,000 advance), editing, cover art, interior design, marketing, publicity, sales - the whole deal.

It might pay to take a quick look at the tips before submitting a manuscript to Swoon Reads.

Good luck!

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!”   imzf

© 2013 Ray Rhamey