Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Sarang: would you turn the first page?

Only 1 chapter left in the pillory. Submissions needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Sarang sends the first chapter of The Kabul Conspiracy. Sarang is in New Dehli, India. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Translation note: the narrative uses a word unfamiliar to me and I suspect others: “huzoor” is, according to Sarang, a respectful pronoun like “sir.”

“We should go back, huzoor; I don’t think he is going to turn up today,” Munshi whispered for the third time. Alex adjusted his position ever so slightly, but the resulting creak of the twigs below him was uncomfortably loud. Munshi’s thighs burned and his eyelids felt heavy, but Alex continued to stare at the mansion across the hedge with religious devotion.

“Huzoor, are you awake?”

“Yes, Munshi, I am awake. Stop your infernal pestering, we have a plan... and we are not going back.” Another minute of silence punctuated by frogs croaking and crickets chirping followed. A cloud hovered over the moon just as a blinding fog floated in to envelope the mansion.

“Nothing is visible, huzoor”

“I can see that!” Alex snapped. Their eyes met, and he could see the look of bemusement flirt onto Munshi’s face. Laughter rose to their lips but they killed it just in time.

“Munshi, I fear you are right as usual. It’s way past the decided time. That bugger Mustafa has deceived us.” Munshi was gracious enough not to rub it in. He kept silent, waiting for Alex to call the plan off himself. They would have to walk all the way to the embassy, and getting in would prove tricky with their disguise, but in the end he would be able to crawl into his cozy bed and forget this night for good.

While the promise of a story of the Middle East is inviting, there are storytelling and craft issues that get in the way. The primary concern is story questions: while I did have questions such as where are they (city, country, location), I didn’t feel there were any clear story questions. What possible jeopardy is there? What are the stakes? Where is conflict/tension.

My vote: no. Notes:

“We should go back, huzoor; I don’t think he is going to turn up today,” Munshi whispered for the third time. Alex adjusted his position ever so slightly, but the resulting creak of the twigs below him was uncomfortably loud. Munshi’s thighs burned and his eyelids felt heavy, but Alex continued to stare at the mansion across the hedge with religious devotion. For me, some clarity issues here. The reference to twigs “below” was confusing to me. Are they up in a hedge, or standing on the ground? Also, would twigs creak or would they snap? Why do Munshi’s thighs burn? What we’re supposed to be seeing here isn’t clear.

“Huzoor, are you awake?” Not sure this makes sense. He sees that Alex is staring, and you have to be awake to stare. So why would he ask this?

“Yes, Munshi, I am awake. Stop your infernal pestering, we have a plan... and we are not going back.” Another minute of silence punctuated by frogs croaking and crickets chirping followed. A cloud hovered over the moon just as a blinding fog floated in to envelope the mansion. For me, the information about the night noises was excess information. The fact that it’s night should have come in the opening scene setting. Also, fog doesn’t move all that quickly, does it? I suggest that it be there from the beginning and then perhaps swirl and thicken, which could happen.

“Nothing is visible, huzoor”

“I can see that!” Alex snapped. Their eyes met, and he could see the look of bemusement flirt onto Munshi’s face. Laughter rose to their lips but they killed it just in time. A little head-hopping here—we were in Munshi’s point of view, but this is from Alex’s.

“Munshi, I fear you are right as usual. It’s way past the decided time. That bugger Mustafa has deceived us.” Munshi was gracious enough not to rub it in. He kept silent, waiting for Alex to call the plan off himself. They would have to walk all the way to the embassy, and getting in would prove tricky with their disguise, but in the end he would be able to crawl into his cozy bed and forget this night for good. The action continues after this, so I don’t think the diversion of thinking about the return helps. Use this valuable space to keep things moving. Alex decides they have to get “the letter” themselves and jumps over a wall. If the mysterious letter and its importance and this action were on the first page, I’d have been much more likely to turn the page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“There are many, many books out there on how to write a novel etc. etc. etc. I am always in the book store browsing through them but somehow they are a mission to read and never quite provoke me into writing, until I found Flogging the Quill. Rhamey does not beat around the bush and gets straight to the meat of it. At the end of the day after years of procrastination I am actually writing and getting on with my dream project. I have recommended this book to my friends and they have all agreed it is a quick read but full of worthy and real world advice. Thanks for the help Ray!”   Holmes

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Jim: would you turn the first page?

Only 2 chapters left in the pillory. Submissions needed. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Jim sends this first chapter. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

The antiseptic walls of this unfamiliar room squeezed him from ten feet away. The simple space contained a set of twin beds, a sink, and a door. No window. Micah occupied one of the beds, and the curvature of the blankets on the other bed suggested that one also had an inhabitant.

On Micah’s wrist, a piece of surgical tape was covering a cotton swab. He removed the tape and the swab, and a dab of blood formed over a hole in his wrist. A throbbing at the base of his neck arose, which connected to a throbbing in his skull and down to a twinge in his chest. He lifted his blue hospital-issued shirt to study the large circular bruise on his chest.

The bruise spoke to him in jabs of pain any time he moved his upper body. Micah had no idea how it got there. He had a vague memory of the first seven or eight beers, but nothing after that. Last night was an unintelligible mess of images and sounds.

Micah sat up, and the bruise on his chest screamed, forcing the air from his lungs.

Next to his bed, his vomit-stained shirt and tie lay neatly folded. Must have been what he was wearing when he came in last night. He reached into the chest pocket of his shirt, and sure enough, he found a copy of his unfinished poem. Micah read it again, for the millionth time, but the remnants of alcohol sloshing in his brain blurred the words.

He slipped on the edge of the mattress and fell onto the floor, and yelped as he hit the cold (snip)

For me, two issues in particular got in the way. First, a certain amount of overwriting, which can be overcome. The second was a lack of story question, of something happening that creates a problem for the character (other than falling out of bed).

Until the last page, the rest of the chapter was backstory and set-up. Then came something that did have a good, strong story question. Take a look and give a vote.

At the impound lot, after being assured that his car was not too damaged to drive, he wrote a sizeable check to have it released. The lot man escorted him to the section of the garage where his car was parked. Micah examined the back, and found no damage other than the previously-accumulated whiskey dings. The sides were good, aside from some paint scrapes, but the front had crumpled into a concave depression. That was the telephone pole. The right wheel well had bent and the driver’s side headlight was dangling from its socket. That was the ditch.

“Lucky you’re still alive, son. But you’re going to want to get that light fixed,” the lot man said. “You could get pulled over for that.”

Micah signed the release form and watched the lot man waddle back to his office. He sat down on the concrete in front of his car, and marveled at the chaos of his own actions. Although he had driven drunk hundreds (or maybe thousands) of times, he disliked the creepy uncertainty of not knowing what had happened the last time he was behind the wheel.

Then he noticed something dangling from underneath the bumper. A piece of torn hose, possibly, or a string. He lowered to the ground to tug it loose. It wasn’t string, but a shoelace.

Micah pulled on the shoelace, and as the bumper squeaked and cried, it gave way, then Micah found himself holding a black and white women’s Adidas track shoe.

Now there's a story question.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“This book has some of the most helpful writing advice I've encountered in quite a while, illustrated by copious--and I mean copious--examples. Ray doesn't pull punches, and his illustrations have real-world wording at times, but it's truly like having an editor on your bookshelf. I definitely recommend it.”   Richard

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Cuckoo’s Calling didn’t earn its success, but its author did.

My Flog a Pro post in Writer Unboxed last month was about Cuckoo’s Calling, ostensibly by Robert Galbraith, in reality by J.K. Rowling.

I voted not to turn the page. It was pretty dull to me. The votes were split pretty evenly amount WU’s writer audience: 52% Yes, 48% no.

It seems clear that the reason it has sold more than 1,300,000 copies is the “brand” that was revealed to be behind it. There’s an interesting article in The New York Times about it, “Long Odds for Authors Newly Published.”

A stand-out paragraph for me was this:

Given how difficult it is for first-time fiction authors, especially in a crowded genre like mystery, to find both an agent and publisher, it’s not clear “The Cuckoo’s Calling” would have made it off the slush piles. At least one other publisher, Orion Books, which like Little, Brown, is a subsidiary of the Hachette Book Group, rejected the manuscript. An editor there told The Telegraph in London that the book “didn’t stand out.”

Here's what that editor said:

Kate Mills, publishing director of Orion, said she thought the work was “perfectly decent, but quiet” and confessed she could not find a unique selling-point with which to market it.

“Didn’t stand out.” Yeah, that’s the task we all face, and here at FtQ it’s always clear when an opening truly does stand out, and the reasons why are pretty clear—and difficult to achieve.

Another bit from the NYT article:

What’s clear is that without the aura of celebrity, “The Cuckoos’ Calling” would have been just another work of debut crime fiction. Its author might have gotten a modest TV deal, and maybe another book contract, while working another job to make ends meet. “Most books come out and do nothing,” Ms. Coady (founder of R. J. Julia Booksellers in Madison, Conn.) said. “There are still too many books being published. We can only get behind so many books, and then hope they take off on their own. It worries me that so many slip through the cracks.”

Yeah, we know about those cracks, don’t we. And so did J.K. Rowling with Harry Potter, until she persisted and wrote something that truly did stand out. I hope she does it again.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

What, if anything, do you wrestle with in your writing?

As an author, I’ve come to learn some (most likely not all) of my shortcomings in the way I tell stories. Because I’m a pantser, they can sometimes be too episodic, and I rewrite to deal with that. While a lot of readers like the page-turner nature of my narrative style, some wish out loud that I would linger a little more here and there and give more depth to characters. I work on it, but it’s hard—you do have to listen to your own inner ear.

As an editor, I encounter both storytelling and writing shortcomings. Here are just a few:

• too much description
• not enough description
• description that isn’t experiential
• dialogue with no beats
• overuse of descriptive dialogue tags that explain unnecessarily
• info-dumping of backstory and exposition
• too many adverbs modifying verbs when a strong verb would be better description
• starting way too early in the story
• overwriting—minute details that don’t advance story or character
• lack of line editing to make the narrative crisp with strong forward movement sentence by sentence
• including material readers “need” to know that they really don’t
• delaying having things happen for set-up

I’m sure that if I went through my edits I’d find more, but you get the idea.

So what do you wrestle with in your storytelling and writing? What are the alleged shortcomings that your beta readers and critique groups tell you?

Please use comments to share with me—you might provoke a few new posts on craft if I think I can help.

And if you see a problem that you have a solution for, please let me know.

Best,

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey