“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.” Shannon
Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Benjamin sends the prologue and first chapter of The
Problem with Cats. Please vote—the feedback helps the
writer.
Prologue
I spent a small
fortune on bribes, drinks, and antacid researching the real story behind the headlines
about the public trial and incarceration of my grandfather, Alex Weinstein. I
reviewed every transcript I could find and interviewed every witness who could
be enticed to talk. Sifting through my research, I decided to focus the book
solely on my grandfather to expose the quiet desperation of a common man in
today's society.
I gave the
manuscript to a campaign manager friend of mine for feedback; just call him
"Mike." Mike read it and then invited me to his candidate's
fundraiser so I could contribute to his campaign in the spirit of gratitude.
At the
fundraiser, we discussed politics, the candidate's future, and briefly the
manuscript. Unfortunately, Niles Jordan, a lobbyist from the Detroit office of
the Society for the Protection of Animals, was also a donor and more
unfortunately, within hearing distance of that particular conversation.
One week after
the party, I received my first call from the SPA about the manuscript.
"Change the
first chapter," Niles Jordan said. He said more of course. He let me know
that my using the "f" word repeatedly and in all its different
conjugations had absolutely no effect on his "request".
Well, for me, the prologue opening amounts to what most prologues
seem to be—setup. It’s not an immediate scene and, with only information
happening, not much in the way of tension. My vote: No.
Chapter
1
Grandpa was a
son of a bitch. When Dad told me Thanksgiving dinner was at Grandpa's house, I
told him so. "Hell no. He's a son of a bitch."
Grandpa was
eighty-four years old. His prostate, one kidney, and half a lung were gone from
various cancers. A mortar round in World War II blew out four feet of his
intestines and an obstruction from a week of eating cheese took out five more
feet. One more foot and he was a candidate for a permanent colostomy bag. He
was deaf in his right ear and blind in his left eye and the last time I had the
bad luck to be on the phone with him Grandpa told me to go screw myself.
"It'll be
fine," Dad said in the car driving from Metamora down Lapeer Road. I heard
him; I put my headphones on and looked out the window so he would know I was
ignoring him. My iPod died less than a mile from the house, but I was not about
to take the headphones off. I figured I could fake listening to music for the
next hour.
"He's
cooking," Dad said. I kept looking out the window. "You know he's a
great cook." I turned and gave Dad my best doubting stare. "At the
block parties every month," he explained. "He would barbecue. People
from all over the city came just for his cooking." I looked back out the
window.
I do like the voice and the writing in this narrative, and there’s an underlying sense of humor
that suggests fun to be had ahead. On the other hand, what’s happening here?
Two people going to dinner. I don’t get a sense of any problems that will face
the narrator, or any serious consequences to him that would come out of going
to a family dinner, no matter how odd or obstreperous Grandpa is. In other
words, no compelling story questions or tension for me. My vote: no.
“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'” Elizabeth
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Karyne sends the first chapter
of Queens of Rystan. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
This time Julana’s magic wouldn’t
be able to heal her wounds. She ran from the small cottage into the woods, her
arms trembling from the weight of the two jugs. As soon as the foliage formed a
wall at her back she set the jugs down and caught her breath. She didn’t have much
time, but still she hesitated. She knew so little of magic and feared the
potential cost. But the pain in her back was unbearable, so this wasn’t the
time to refrain. She stifled a groan as she lifted her hands to gingerly sweep
her golden brown locks back into the bun from which they had fallen. Using the
jugs as an awkward seat, she closed her eyes and focused on the wounds at her
back. She thought it felt like fire earlier, but now, in the heat of the sun,
she realized it was escalating to an inferno. Her heart pounded as she
carefully summoned the healing properties of the zenyt root and mildet herbs
that she knew to be found in this forest. She pictured every tiny drop easing
its way into her fresh blisters.
A moan of relief escaped her lips
as the soothing balm worked its way on her skin. If only she had the skills of
a true healer, she could do more than ease the pain. Her eyes opened as she
regretted the thought and she saw the faint glow receding from her skin. Her
throat constricted. Perhaps she already did. With a small sigh, she slipped her
shawl over her slim shoulders, concealing her blood-stained blouse just in
time.
A sympathetic character and good story questions worked
well for me. I think the writing could be more crisp, and there are craft
issues that I’m pretty sure Karyne will learn to overcome. She introduces the
fantasy element of this world in an easy, part-of-the-story way, and left me
wondering what had happened to her and what would happen next. I'm willing to bet that craft issues will lead some FtQ readers to vote no, but I think that the story questions outweigh them.
My vote: yes. Notes:
This time Julana’s magic wouldn’t
be able to heal her wounds. She ran from the small cottage into the woods, her
arms trembling from the weight of the two jugs. As soon as the foliage formed a
wall at her back she set the jugs down and caught her breath. She didn’t have much
time, but still she hesitated. She knew so little of magic and feared the
potential cost. But the pain in her back was unbearable, so this wasn’t the
time to refrain. She stifled a groan as she lifted her hands to gingerly sweep
her golden brown locks back into the bun from which they had fallen.The
reference to hair color is a step out of her point of view and into the author’s.
Upon re-reading, I decided that the whole sentence about putting her hair back
into a bun didn’t contribute to the story. It’s not necessary, so why have it?
Using the jugs as
an awkward seat, sShe closed her eyes and focused on the wounds aton her
back. She thought itthey had
felt like fire earlier, but now, in the heat of the sun, she realized it the pain was escalating to an
inferno. Her heart pounded as she carefully summoned
the healing properties of the zenyt root and mildet herbs that she knew to be
found in this
the forest. She pictured every tiny
drop easing its way into her fresh blisters. Clarity
issue: she’s in the woods, a wall of foliage at her back—how does the heat of
the sun reach her? I also felt that a paragraph break was appropriate.
A moan of relief escaped her lips
as the soothing balm worked its way onto her skin. If only she had the skills of
a true healer, she could do more than ease the pain. Her eyes opened as she
regretted the thought and she saw the faint glow receding from her skin. Her
throat constricted. Perhaps she already did. With a small sigh, she slipped her
shawl over her slim shoulders,
concealing her blood-stained blouse just in time.Clarity
issues: She has blisters, so where is blood coming from? The wounds seem more
like burns. How could she see the glow receding from the skin on her back? What
part of her is glowing?
"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.” Susan
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
I'm creating a storytelling game (which will become a Kickstarter project after some playtesting) and decided to use as many outlandish dialogue tags as possible: the point of the game is to be funny.
So I went looking for lists of dialogue tags, and found this one on Wattpad. I've since decided to not use "bad" dialogue tags in the game--mostly because it's the action and dialogue bits that are the real fun--but sometimes a dialogue tag other than "said" is useful.
“Ray's book has a lot of important insight for emerging writers who want to take their craft skills to the next level. Ray's advice on experiential description is on par with Donald Maass's 'micro tension' advice--critical to delivering top-shelf writing.” Sheri
Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Jennifer sends the first chapter
of Found. Please vote—the feedback
helps the writer.
At
first glance, it was just another poster with another lost kid. I’d seen
hundreds of them in hundreds of places. Everyone has. For a brief second I’d
think how sad it was, wonder if they ever found the kid, assumed they hadn’t
and then continued on with my day. I couldn’t tell you what a single one of
those kids looked like five minutes later. The moment I turned the corner or
finished up my carton of milk, the face would promptly disappear. Not this
time.
The
poster was taped to the back window of the delivery van parked directly in
front of me. This particular poster had two pictures on it. On the left was a
photo of a little girl around two years old. She had pigtails of curling red
hair, freckles, a dark pink birthmark under a blue-green eye in the perfect
shape of a diamond. Next to that photo was a time lapse of what this little
girl might look like now at the ripe old age of 41. I sat there, squinting at
the poster, distorting it with my eyes so it would look different, look less
like me.
The
bile in my stomach churned and even as I threw open my door and lost my
breakfast, I knew what I had seen, who I
had seen. I swung my legs out of the car and stumbled to the back of the van. There
I was, in 1974, and a terrifyingly accurate projection of how I might look now.
The hairstyle was wrong, but the facial features, that cursed birthmark I cover
so carefully every day with expensive cover-ups and creams, they were all
tragically spot on. I held up my cell (snip)
A strong, confident voice takes the lead with this narrative
and rewards you with good, strong story questions. While there is no jeopardy at this point, we have a sense of what the story is about and, for me, the opening implied trouble ahead for her.
There was one little clarity
issue and, for my taste, the narrative is a little overwritten at times in that
it tended to belabor a point that I had gotten. Nonetheless, good work, and I’m
interested in the rest of the story.
My vote: yes. Notes:
At
first glance, it was just another poster with another lost kid. I’d seen
hundreds of them in hundreds of places. Everyone has. For a brief second I’d
think how sad it was, wonder if they ever found the kid, assumed they hadn’t
and then continued on with my day. I couldn’t
tell you what a single one of those kids looked like five minutes later.
The moment I turned the corner or finished up my carton of milk, the face would
promptly disappear. Not this time. While this is all fine, I felt there was more than I needed
to get it. So a cut is suggested.
The
poster was taped to the back window of the delivery van parked directly in
front of me. This particular posterIt had two pictures on it. On
the leftOne was a photo of a little girl around two years old.
She had pigtails of curling red hair, freckles, a dark pink birthmark under a
blue-green eye in the perfect shape of a diamond. Next to that photo was a time
lapse of what this little girl might look like now at the ripe old age of forty-one41.
I sat there, squintingsquinted at the poster, distorting it with my eyes so
it would look different, look less like me.Clarity issue: the structure of the fourth sentence says
that her eye was in the shape of a diamond, not the birthmark. Just move things
around a little and it’s fine.
The bile in my stomach churned and evenEven as I threw open my door and lost my breakfast, I
knew what I had seen, who I had seen.
I swung my legs out of the car and
stumbled to the back of the van. There I was, in 1974, andnext to a terrifyingly accurate projection of how I
might look now. The hairstyle was wrong, but the facial features, that cursed
birthmark I cover so carefully every day with expensive cover-ups and creams,
they were all tragically spot on. I held up my cell (snip)
"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.” Susan
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Jonathon sends the first chapter of Crossroads. Please
vote—the feedback helps the writer.
“Come
on Luke, not you too!” Jayson paced around in the old stone cottage trying to
keep calm. Why did Luke always have to cause trouble? It seemed that he just
couldn’t help it; it was always one thing after another. “This is just like
when you tried to convince me you knew a short cut home from the docks. Do you remember
what happened?”
Luke
ran his hands through his thick yellow hair, but as he opened his mouth to
speak Jayson kept going. “And guess who got the short end of that deal? I was
sick in bed for a week! Or how about the time you had the bright idea of how to
spend more time with the Duke’s twin daughters?” Jayson saw Luke suppress a
smirk, badly. “It’s not funny!”
Luke
leaned against the wall and couldn’t hold back his laughter. Jayson leveled an
angry gaze at his lifelong friend. Luke’s lack of ability to remain serious
always infuriated Jayson. How could he laugh at a time like this? Did he not
realize the danger in what he had just done?
“You
really were the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen.” Luke admitted through sobs of
laughter.
“You’re
one to talk. I believe it was your hairy legs that gave us away.” Jayson
muttered. He couldn’t let Luke have the last word, even if this was no time for
jokes. As Luke’s laughter subsided, Jayson continued with a somber expression.
“Luke, have you really thought this through? Have you thought about what people
will think? Ron? The gang? Your parents?”
The writing is pretty good, though it could be crisper. We have
a scene in progress with tension in one of the characters—but not the other, so
there’s no true conflict. I think the writer is hoping to tease the reader into
interest by alluding to “the danger in what he had just done,” but it doesn’t
work for this reader because I have no idea what he did. The rest of the
chapter doesn’t tell me, either. And there’s no clue as to what the danger
might be, or who would be in trouble—it sounds like Luke would be the one in
danger, not the protagonist. After reading the chapter, I still didn't know what the story was about.
My vote: no. Notes:
“Come on Luke, not you too!” Jayson paced
around in the old stone cottage trying to keep calm. Why did Luke always have
to cause trouble? It seemed that he just couldn’t help it; it was always one
thing after another. “This is just like when you tried to convince me you knew
a short cut home from the docks. Do you remember what happened?”Uh-oh, slipping into backstory in the very first paragraph isn't a good sign.
Luke
ran his hands through his thick yellow hair, but as he opened his mouth to
speak Jayson kept going. “And guess who got the short end of that deal? I was
sick in bed for a week! Or how about the time you had the bright idea of how to
spend more time with the Duke’s twin daughters?” Jayson saw Luke suppress a
smirk, badly. “It’s not funny!” More backstory. I know you're going for characterization here, but I think you should be giving me the story right now. Let what characters do in the story characterize them, not with dialogue about past events.
Luke
leaned against the wall and couldn’t hold back his laughter. Jayson leveled an
angry gazeglared at his lifelong friend. Luke’s lack of ability to remain serious
had always infuriated Jayson. How could he laugh at a time like this? Did he not
realize the danger in what he had just done?As mentioned, this reference to danger is basically meaningless since the reader doesn't know what Luke did, nor what danger might be attached to an unknown action. As for the wording change, I think it's best to keep this kind of action description simple, direct, and crisp.
“You
really were the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen.” Luke admitted through sobs of
laughter. We're still with backstory. What's the story?
“You’re
one to talk. I believe it was your hairy legs that gave us away.” Jayson
muttered. He couldn’t let Luke have the last word, even if this was no time for
jokes. As Luke’s laughter subsided, Jayson continued with a somber expression.
“Luke, have you really thought this through? Have you thought about what people
will think? Ron? The gang? Your parents?” Why is it no time for jokes? The part about the somber expression is a mild slip of point of view--Jayson can't know what he looks like unless he's using a mirror. There are more allusions to things we don't know--we don't know what "this" is, so can't begin to have a sense of what Jayson is talking about. So far we've had talk about the past and thoughts about stuff we don't know, none of which is a story happening, in my view. I think you should look at chapter 2 for a place to start.
As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.” Frank Zoretich
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
I came across a helpful article at the Huffington Post today
on developing seven areas of writing craft we need to create a successful
narrative. The very first one relates to my own predilection for experiential
description, and this one shows a fresh approach to injecting personality and
meaning into a setting.
Here are the seven “lessons” that are covered with
explanations and good examples:
Only 1 chapter left in the
pillory. Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Lexi sends the first chapter of Wolf by the Ears. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
Monday started normally enough. My alarm rang at ten to six
waking me from a deep sleep; the bar hadn’t closed till midnight, and after
that we’d had to fetch bottles from the cellar and tidy up before leaving. I
lay for a moment watching a pigeon’s undercarriage as its pink feet tapped over
the skylight. There isn’t a window and on a cloudy day like this, even in June,
my room is a bit dark. Some people would call it pokey. It’s really meant to be
a study. There’s just enough room for a single bed, a chair and a wardrobe;
with my bike too it’s rather a squash. But the flat is a nice one near
Kensington Olympia station, and if the space was any bigger I wouldn’t be able
to afford the rent.
I had the kitchen to myself for breakfast, and showered and
dressed without seeing my flatmate. I’m usually first up. I lifted my bike
carefully through the hall. Chrissie doesn’t like me keeping it in my room in
case it marks the carpets or the walls on its way in and out. But I’m not
leaving it outside to rust and have bits stolen off it.
The wind was against me up Ladbroke Grove, the sky got
darker and a light drizzle fell. By the time I reached Hampstead at five past
seven the rain had increased. My jeans were wet and my hair dripped. Grisha
Markovic’s house is in Billionaires’ Row – once known as Millionaires’ Row, but
times have moved on and the rich got richer. All the houses are huge, with big
gardens and high walls, and the tree-lined roads are completely deserted at
this hour.
The writing here is just fine—evocative with experiential
description, and a likeable character. But, as for what happens . . . a woman
gets up, makes breakfast, and bicycles through the rain to a big house. For
this reader, not in any way compelling. I understand the urge to establish the
normal in a character’s life before you turn it upside down—that’s just what
Robert McKee in Story advises—but that can be done with things happening, it
seems to me.
I’ve excerpted and trimmed narrative from later in the
chapter. How do you react to this alternative as the opening page?
The wind was against me up Ladbroke Grove, the sky got
darker and a light drizzle fell. By the time I reached Hampstead my jeans were
wet and my hair dripped. Grisha Markovic’s huge house, with big gardens and
high walls, is in Billionaires’ Row.
I got off my bike and
put my finger in the fingerprint reader beside the smaller gate. Grisha’s
paranoid about security, understandable because of a failed assassination
attempt or two in his colourful Russian past.
The gate swung open; as I pushed my bike through I saw a man
bent over the access panel by the side door. He straightened at my approach. Muscular,
youngish, with hooded eyes, pale skin stretched over high cheekbones, and short
fair hair.
“You have entry card? Mine is not working.” He had a Russian
accent.
I smiled apologetically. “I’m afraid I can’t let you in.
Security rules, you know. I’ll tell them you’re here and someone will come and
get you.”
He gave me a bleak stare. “I get wet.”
“Sorry. What’s your name?”
He put his hand inside his jacket. I thought he was going to
show me his card and try to persuade me he was legit. He didn’t get out a card.
He got out a small gun. He stepped towards me. “Open the door.”
“This book has some of the most helpful writing advice I've encountered in quite a while, illustrated by copious--and I mean copious--examples. Ray doesn't pull punches, and his illustrations have real-world wording at times, but it's truly like having an editor on your bookshelf. I definitely recommend it.” Richard
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Only 1 chapter left in the
pillory. Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Jonelle sends the first chapter of Upon the Devil’s
Return. Please vote—the feedback helps the
writer.
“What’s
this?” she asked, scooting forward on the chair so she could lean forward to
view the ledger.
Leaning
against the front of the desk to her right he pointed to the last entry. “This is what
the duke was here for. Tempest, I need
you to know that there was no other option. Without the agreement between the duke
and me, this estate will crumble. The tenants will lose their homes. We will lose
ours.”
Dread
crept into her bones making her shiver, “What agreement, Papa? What is going
on?”
“The
estate is bankrupt. The past few
years the crops have failed due to the land being desolate. Without
nourishment, which I can’t afford to do, the land will no longer be farmable.”
“Bankrupt? But, Papa, you
just bought me a whole new wardrobe! Why on earth…”
“The
wardrobe was something I promised the duke. It was something that I told him I would
get for you before…” His gaze dropped
to the floor, a lump forming in his throat.
“Before
what, Papa?” her voice was low, her palms clammy.
“Before
the wedding.”
For
long moments she just stared at him. “Excuse me? My wedding?”
“Yes,
your marriage to the duke. With
it, he will provide me with the funds I need to save (snip)
Although the writing is pretty "clean," for me there were some craft issues that got in the way.
But more than that, no real tension was created. Yes, her father faces a
troublesome situation, but—at least as far as this narrative lets us know—the
arranged marriage that is suggested doesn’t mean a serious problem for her.
My vote: no. Notes:
“What’s
this?” she asked, scooting forward on the chair so she could lean forward to
view the ledger.The “scooting”
on the chair is a touch of overwriting, minute detail that doesn’t advance the story.
The important thing is that she is looking at a ledger. More than that, this is
an opportunity to set the scene with who is there and where they are.
Leaning
against the front of the desk to her right he pointed to the last entry. “This is what
the duke was here for. Tempest, I need
you to know that there was no other option. Without the agreement between the duke
and me, this estate will crumble. The tenants will lose their homes. We will lose
ours.” The “leaning to
her right” is more overwriting. More than that, we don’t know who or what “he”
is. At least let us know he’s her father. Nor is there any suggested significance for the "last entry." Is it bad? Good? This and the previous description
would have been better spent with letting the reader know where they are.
For example, the narrative could have let us know that she had been summoned to
her father’s study, a place that smelled of pipe smoke, its book-lined shelves
and leather furniture where her father managed the vast acres of their estate .
. . or somesuch.
Dread
crept into her bones. making her shiver, “What agreement, Papa? What is going
on?” The opening of
this paragraph wasn’t a dialogue tag and needed a period. For my money, the
shiver wasn’t needed, the dread in her bones did the job.
“The
estate is bankrupt. The past few
years the crops have failed due to the land being desolate. Without
nourishment, which I can’t afford to do, the land will no longer be farmable.”Is “being
desolate” specific or real enough? For example, years of drought is more easily
understood as a cause of crop failure, but what does too desolate really mean?
He just didn’t buy fertilizer?
“Bankrupt? But, Papa, you
just bought me a whole new wardrobe! Why on earth…”
“The
wardrobe was something I promised the duke. It was something that I told him I would
get for you before…” His gaze dropped
to the floor, a lump forming in his throat.A little “head-hop” here. We were in her close point of
view, but the bit about the lump in his throat is a jump to his POV
“Before
what, Papa?” her voice was low, her palms clammy.
“Before
the wedding.”Suggest this be:
Before your wedding.”
For
long moments she just stared at him. “Excuse me? My wedding?”While she seems surprised by this, there’s
no real jeopardy, no stakes. If the narrative had included something along the
lines of internal monologue to the effect of “marriage to that horrible boy who
had tortured her when she was a girl” or something to give the reader a sense
of a real problem ahead for her. Instead of having her stare for long moments,
this is an opportunity for the reader to see her reaction to this news and the
trouble it means.
“Yes,
your marriage to the duke. With
it, he will provide me with the funds I need to save (snip)
“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.” Anderson
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
On book design: the cover at the right is one of several
that were rejected as a design for a new Michael Chabon design. The Huffington
Post interview with the designer, 'Telegraph Avenue' By Michael Chabon:
Designer Reveals Rejected Covers, gives a peek inside high-level design. There’s
a slide show of rejected designs—notice how the author’s name is the dominant
feature in all but one of the designs. And, for my money, this particular one is a complete fail on the title. Unless the image is huge, it will never be legible on the Internet.
AndThe Evolutionary Case for Great Fiction is an article on
the notion that fiction is, after all, a survival mechanism. Imagine that—your words
are weapons that can increase the odds for successfully dealing with a
dangerous world.
Only 1 chapter left in the FtQ
pillory. Submissions needed.If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me.