Submissions needed—just 3 left in the pillory: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Liz sends the first chapter of an urban fantasy, Crooked Halo. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
I awoke in a body bag.
Having a personal encounter with a subway tram can do that. Though to be fair, it was the regenerative coma afterward that landed me in this plastic cocoon. Some well-meaning physician had once again pronounced me dead and zipped me up.
I cataloged my injuries, or what was left of them. The dislocations had returned to their proper place; most of the broken bones fused. I could feel everything from the top of my aching head to the bottom of my throbbing feet, still laced into comfortable running shoes. The right ankle wasn’t quite right, but feeling meant no nerve damage then. I did have a scattering of bruises across my chest and belly, judging by the soreness there. And the puffy sensation on my face suggested a matching set of black eyes.
Muffled voices stopped my motion cold. I held my breath as they drew closer. Heavens above. Now there would be witnesses to my resurrection. Footsteps circled the slab where I lay, then retreated. Releasing the pent up air slowly, I started to move, then stilled as the telltale rasp of the zipper reached my ears.
I focused on staying slack, body limp. If they touched me, of course, it would be all over. Now that the coma had released me, my skin would be too warm for a human, much less a corpse. No rigor mortis either. Fluorescent light glinted behind closed eyelids. My nose itched.
For me, the opening line definitely had a hook. Followed by a strong and entertaining voice and introduced to an uncommon protagonist in an unusual situation with the suggestion of jeopardy if discovery happened worked well for me. I like the writing a lot, but there are some narrative issues that I think need clearing up.
My vote: Yes. Notes
I awoke in a body bag.
Having a personal encounter with a subway tram can do that. Though to be fair, it was the regenerative coma afterward that landed me in this plastic cocoon. Some well-meaning physician had once again pronounced me dead and zipped me up.
I cataloged my injuries, or what was left of them. The dislocations had returned to their proper place; most of the broken bones fused. I could feel everything from the top of my aching head to the bottom of my throbbing feet, still laced into comfortable running shoes. The right ankle wasn’t quite right, but feeling meant no nerve damage then. I did have a scattering of bruises across my chest and belly, judging by the soreness there. And the puffy sensation on my face suggested a matching set of black eyes.
Muffled voices stopped my motion cold. I held my breath as they drew closer. Heavens above. Now there would be witnesses to my resurrection. Footsteps circled the slab where I lay, then retreated. Releasing the pent up air slowly, I started to move, then stilled as the telltale rasp of the zipper reached my ears. Clarity/continuity issue: the protagonist stopped his/her motion, but he/she is zipped into a body bag. What motion is possible? Also, the previous paragraph didn’t include him/her moving anything. If the narrative included something such as flexing arms or legs, then the motion part would work. Also, the reference to “started to move” is unclear, seeing as how he/she is in a body bag. It would help this reader if the narrative told me what he/she moved or the intent, such as: I started to push against the zipper to force it open, then …etc.
I focused on staying slack, body limp. If they touched me, of course, it would be all over. Now that the coma had released me, my skin would be too warm for a human, much less a corpse. No rigor mortis either. Fluorescent light glinted behind closed eyelids. My nose itched. “All over” isn’t a very specific fate—what does it mean? Will he/she be killed? Imprisoned? What are the consequences of discovery here? Dire ones could increase the tension, but “all over” doesn’t get there for me. I question the perception of light glinting behind closed eyelids—when mine are closed and it’s dark, all is very black. Then, if a light is turned on, the blackness has a reddish tinge to it. But I certainly can’t perceive the glinting of the light source. I like the inclusion of the itching nose.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.” Arwen
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey