Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Kim sends the first chapter of The Devil and the Details. I think it’s YA, but not sure. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
Nicolas dev Linden licked his lips, sucked in a nervous breath, and waited for the girl to lie. His gaze flicked from the daughter to the mother to the dancers on the palais ballroom floor, then back to the daughter. Don't say you like me, he prayed. I know you don't.
She touched a hand to her copper ringlets and nearly managed a smile. "It's so fascinating to meet a half-devil such as yourself, monsieur. We didn't have them in Paris. With the Inquisition." Her eyes lit on his neck.
Nicolas brushed his hand across his cravat. She was staring at his scales. He could feel it. He should have worn a higher collar. She was thinking about the Inquisition and what it would do to a half-devil such as he who had the misfortune to find himself in Bonaparte's Catholic France.
"I hope you're finding the Netherlands hospitable," he said, finally, feeling a flush creep up his cheeks. If he made the rules of society, he'd insert a clause allowing people to honorably scuttle away once matters reached an insurmountable level of awkwardness.
Everyone else appeared to be having a fine time though. The ivory-walled ballroom shone with fairy light, scents of cardamom and sulfur wafted deliciously in the air, and the lively strains of Nelson's Waltz eddied forth from the orchestra. In the center of the room the dancers glowed pink as they bowed and curtsied, twirled back and circled round.
A strong, likeable voice, good writing, and in immediate introduction into an interesting fantasy world. Nicholas is likeable and I felt sympathy for him. On the other hand, there’s not a lot of tension here, and not much in the way of story questions. Still, voice can sometimes do the trick.
My vote: Yes, but . . . See what you think of the following alternative.
The voice and the world were strong enough to get me to turn the page. There’s a bit more backstory before we get to tension-inducing elements. I removed the original narrative after the first 3 paragraphs and assembled an alternative opening by using narrative that comes later. Kim, the backstory elements can be woven in as things happen—or they may not be necessary after all—and you could probably do better than this. See what you think.
Nicolas dev Linden licked his lips, sucked in a nervous breath, and waited for the girl to lie. His gaze flicked from the daughter to the mother to the dancers on the palais ballroom floor, then back to the daughter. Don't say you like me, he prayed. I know you don't.
She touched a hand to her copper ringlets and nearly managed a smile. "It's so fascinating to meet a half-devil such as yourself, monsieur. We didn't have them in Paris. With the Inquisition." Her eyes lit on his neck.
Nicolas brushed his hand across his cravat. She was staring at his scales. He should have worn a higher collar. She was thinking about the Inquisition and what it would do to a half-devil such as he who had the misfortune to find himself in Bonaparte's Catholic France.
A saucy face appeared at the French girl's shoulder, attached to a nicely formed, silk-draped figure. "Why don't you ask him which half is the devil--the top or the bottom?"
Euclonia. Nicolas mentally added her as another reason one should be allowed to flee at high speed on social occasions. How could they possibly expect him to marry her? She hated him. And he hated her right back.
"My father is a full devil," Nicolas said before Euclonia could imply ever more terrible things about his anatomy. "My mother is the witch who raised him out of Hell. All half-devils come from the union of a witch and a full devil. And, ah, all of me is half-devil.”
Nice stuff, keep at it.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.” Shannon
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey