Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Corneil sends the first chapter of Power Play. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
A goal is a goal, no matter how the puck gets into the net. That’s how Sal played hockey and that’s how he’d play tonight. All he needed was access to the woman in the emerald gown that plunged and hugged in all the right places. He had watched her sashay through the gallery kissing cheeks, making small talk, beaming that gut-wrenching smile. Finally, she stood just a few feet away contemplating a canvas that he had heard referred to as abstract brilliance.
On an almost nightly basis, he was one of a dozen giants battling on the ice, but his opponents’ bulging chests, tree trunk legs, scarred faces and toothless snarls weren’t nearly as intimidating as seeing Vicki again.
He grabbed a champagne flute from the silver tray that floated by on a waiter’s pass and sidled up next to her. His sideways glance caught the sparkle of the obnoxious diamond on her left hand as she lifted her own glass to black-cherry painted lips. Seeing the ring should have made him walk away, instead it provided an extra shot of adrenaline.
“That looks like what’s left at the bottom of the training room spit pail after a game.”
Vicki turned towards him. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened.
“And that sounds exactly like what some dumb jock would say.”
The years of pent-up desire overshadowed any rational thought Sal might have had. He took one step closer, laced his fingers into those cascading chocolate curls and greeted his high (snip)
Good story questions, conflict in an immediate scene, and good writing worked for me. I did want to know what happens next. But the hockey references came close to misleading me at times—small clarity issues that can be cleared up. I also felt that some of the descriptions were not accurate for a male point of view.
My vote: Yes. Notes:
A goal is a goal, no matter how the puck gets into the net. That’s how Sal played hockey, and that’s how he’d play Vicki tonight. All he needed was access to the woman in the emerald gown that plunged and hugged in all the right places. He had watched her sashay through the gallery kissing cheeks, making small talk, beaming that gut-wrenching smile. Finally, she stood just a few feet away contemplating a canvas that he had heard referred to as abstract brilliance. First clarity issue for me was “how he’d play tonight.” Play what tonight? The opening is about hockey, and the construction led me to expect more of that. But it’s the woman that is the object of the game. So why not let us know right away with her name?
On the ice an almost nightly basis, he was one of a dozen giants battling for a goal on the ice, but his opponents’ bulging chests, tree-trunk legs, scarred faces and toothless snarls weren’t nearly as intimidating as seeing Vicki again. I felt the “almost nightly basis” was vague, qualified, and strayed from the point, so I made a couple of thoughtstarter edits. I also don’t think a male character would be thinking of “bulging” chests and “tree-trunk” legs. For me, the description of their faces did the job nicely. If you go with naming the woman in the first paragraph as suggested, then change “Vicki” to “her” here.
He grabbed a champagne flute from the silver tray that floated by on a waiter’s pass and sidled up next to her. His sideways glance caught the sparkle of the obnoxious diamond on her left hand as she lifted her own glass to her black-cherry-painted lips. Seeing the ring should have made him walk away; instead it provided an extra shot of adrenaline. Since we’re in a male point of view, being a male I doubt that he’d think of “black-cherry-painted” as a description of her lips. I think a man focuses on sensual allure. You could use an adjective there, but I think it works fine without one. We know what he thinks of her looks, and just “lips” will do. I liked the inclusion of his reaction to the ring.
“That looks like what’s left at the bottom of the training room spit pail after a game.”
Vicki turned towards him. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened.
“And that sounds exactly like what some dumb jock would say.”
The years of pent-up desire overshadowed any rational thought Sal might have had. He took one step closer, laced his fingers into those cascading chocolate her curls and greeted his high (snip) The first sentence is telling us stuff. This wouldn’t be in his mind. Just go with the action, which shows him yielding to desire in an interesting way. Her hair color doesn’t matter and the description is, for my view of a male character, a bit over the top. But I liked the curls. The edit would also get more of what he does on the first page, which includes a kiss.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.” Arwen
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey