Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Michael: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Michael sends the first chapter of The Darkness. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Darkness filled the seventh story hospital room where on an uncovered steel table sat a skinny, raven haired boy about the age of twelve. There was no light but the diffused bluish moonlight entering the open window to his left. Everything was shadow and sound. The coolness of the steel bled through his hospital gown sending a chill up his spine. He listened intently as a dark figure spoke with his silhouetted mother, quite unaware apparently that he could hear every word.

“Your son is going to die,” he announced compassionately.

“No! It can’t be! We just lost his father; we can’t lose him too!” his mother cried out in desperation. “The Father cannot want him to die like this after all we’ve been through!”

“The Father has provided a way,” the darkened figure replied, empathetically placing his hand on her shoulder. “Uriah has offered to share his ancient life-light with the boy.”

“What!? How!? What would that do to him?!” questioned his mother frantically.

“Nobody knows,” said the figure. “It’s never been tried before. Only The Father knows what will become of him. The question is are you willing to submit your son to the will of The Father? Before you answer, know this, that two prophesies have already arisen concerning the two of you.”

“What are they, tell me?!” his mother’s voice leapt with desperation.

The mysterious nature of the scene and good story questions were enough to move me to the next page, so this opening achieves its purpose. There are some issues to be dealt with, so notes follow. I’ll add that this opening is a dream. When the dreamer wakens, he doesn’t know what it means and neither do we. I would rather have stayed in the world of the dream than the one that the rest of the chapter showed.

My vote: Yes, but . . . Notes:

Darkness filled the seventh story hospital room where on an uncovered steel table Lucas sat a skinny, raven haired boy about the age of twelve. There was no light but the diffused bluish moonlight entering the open window to his left. Everything was shadow and sound. The coolness of the steel bled through his hospital gown and sent sending a chill up his spine. He listened intently as a dark figure the doctor spoke with his silhouetted mother, quite unaware apparently that he Lucas could hear every word. A lot of things about this paragraph. Some overwriting (seventh story, window to his left) slows things. The point of view starts very distant and then is in the boy’s head, which distances me. I’m not a fan of nameless people and, in this case, the boy’s name is Lucas. Why not use it? The “dark figure” is later labeled a doctor, so why not use that here? If it’s just to be mysterious, I think the implication of trouble for the boy created by the knowledge that this is a doctor is stronger, especially with what follows.

“Your son is going to die,” he announced compassionately. “announced compassionately” is, for me, a weak description. In fact, the nature of announcing something seems antithetical to a compassionate tone. Thoughtstarter: His voice gentle, he said, “Your son is going to die.”

“No! It can’t be! He’s only twelve. We just lost his father; we can’t lose him too!” his mother cried out in desperation. “The Father cannot want him to die like this after all we’ve been through!” Seemed like a good place to include the boy’s age.

“The Father has provided a way,” the darkened figure doctor replied, empathetically placing his hand on her shoulder. “Uriah has offered to share his ancient life-light with the boy.”

“What!? How!? What would that do to him?!” questioned his mother said frantically. No need to tell us it was frantic, the dialogue and all the exclamation points show us. No need to tell us that she questioned, either, with all those question marks. “said” or “asked” are clear and unobtrusive.

“Nobody knows,” said the doctor figure. “It’s never been tried before. Only The Father knows what will become of him. The question is, are you willing to submit your son to the will of The Father? Before you answer, know this, that two prophesies have already arisen concerning the two of you.”

“What are they, tell me?!” his mother’s voice leapt with desperation.

I realize that by changing all the dark figure references to the doctor that this loses some of the mysteriousness and dream quality, but I felt that it could be stronger with references that were meaningful to the reader and to the jeopardy the boy faces.

For what it's worth.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.”   Anderson

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tracy: would you turn the first page?

Apologies, I got wrapped up in a new book design project and forgot to post yesterday.

Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Tracy sends the first chapter of A Higher Level of Not Knowing. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Every time this happens, I know that it is the end. And it’s happening again. First, I see blasts of all sorts of vivid, muted, colors—orange, red, and a faint, fantastic blue that has no name I can think of in the Crayola box. It’s like watching fireworks underwater, pervading all space around me, until it overtakes me. I’m falling. Then darkness---As I fall through what feels like miles and miles of tangled, scratchy brambles that attack my skin and feel like thin, emaciated tree limbs encircling me; leaving their mark with every contact. Falling…I can feel welts forming on my legs as my skin tears. I can hear voices.

I want to scream, say something for myself, but my voice is somehow muted by the cacophony of sound that has overtaken me as I fall. Muffled voices that are not my own create a strange, hushed, rhythmic, eerie rush of words that I cannot understand, but is still somehow strangely familiar.

“whatgoneonman”

 “whodisonehere”

“ahhsheabeaut”

I can feel sweat beading up and rolling down, across and around every free surface of my body as I continue to fall. My heart is strangled by all of the nervous sensations attacking my body all at once, and I know when I stop falling, I will be dead. There’s no way around it. And I (snip)

Maybe it’s just me, but I often have difficulty with dense, intensely subjective interior sensations like this that I don’t understand. And then I had to translate the mashed-together words (rather than make the reader stop to decipher them, help out with dashes like this: what-gone-on-man, who-dis-one here, ahh-she-a-beaut). This could be a dream, and I wasn’t being involved in it.

A couple of other points and then I’ll suggest an alternative edited from later in the chapter. How can colors be both vivid and muted? Those are opposites, right? There’s the use of “muted” twice in the same paragraph. And I felt that the opening sentence immediately robbed the narrative of “what happens next” tension—this has happened before, and it was not the end. So why read on?

My vote: no. But see what you think of the following as perhaps a stronger opening:

My body jolts and my eyes pop open.

Everything is blurred and glaring. I see what looks like the shapes of people’s heads, of varying sizes, hanging over me. My skin prickles as my senses come back to life. I’m lying on my back on some kind of hard surface. People standing over me stare into my face, muttering what seem like unconnected words. I start to recognize some of the smaller faces and finally I fully understand what one of them is saying as he moves in closer and cups my ear with his tiny, pudgy, brown hands.

“Ms. Younger?” Zahir says, so softly that I can barely hear him even though he’s speaking directly into my ear. “Please wake up. Can you hear me?”

I can still feel my heart beating out of my chest, but I try to calm my insides enough to answer his calm request.

“Yes, Zahir, I can hear you. Are you ok?” I can see that his face is tear-stained and he has a look of desperation like how he looked when he came back to school the day after his mother died.

Before he can answer, Mr. Green, the largest of the heads hanging over me, pipes in “Ah, Ms. Younger, so nice of you to join us again being that this is YOUR class that I had to address because apparently, you decided to take a little nap in the middle of it.”

For me, this one raised enough story questions to get the page turned. I knew much more about the character and saw that she was in some kind of difficulty. I wanted to know what had happened and what would happen next.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“There are many, many books out there on how to write a novel etc. etc. etc. I am always in the book store browsing through them but somehow they are a mission to read and never quite provoke me into writing, until I found Flogging the Quill. Rhamey does not beat around the bush and gets straight to the meat of it. At the end of the day after years of procrastination I am actually writing and getting on with my dream project. I have recommended this book to my friends and they have all agreed it is a quick read but full of worthy and real world advice. Thanks for the help Ray!”   Holmes

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

The enormous value of putting your manuscript in a drawer

I don’t know about you, but when I finish writing a novel there’s a tremendous rush of excitement and a sense of accomplishment. I did it! I also have a tendency to like what I’ve written. It looks good to me.

However, reading through your novel shortly after you’ve finished it with the idea of making submissions to agents or publishers is something you should NOT do.

Nope. Find a real or virtual desk drawer and put the thing away and do something else. Here’s what author Jeff Cohen has to say in a post on the ever-interesting writing blog, Hey, There’s a Dead Guy In the Living Room:

So how do you know if your book is ready for submission? First, take a week. Better, take two weeks. Do something else. Go scuba diving. Read someone else's book. Take tango lessons. I don't know; go to work at your actual job. Take your kid to the beach (if you're not me--I'm not crazy for the beach). The only thing you should definitely not do during this time is read your manuscript again. You won't see it; you'll only see the triumph of time and effort and not the result. 

After the two weeks are up, open the file again. Read it with OBJECTIVE eyes. You'll see flaws. You'll notice things you wish you hadn't done. You'll despair for the puny, crippled thing you have created.

But having seen all that, the good news is that you can make it better. Plot possibilities that hadn't suggested themselves because you'd had a plan will appear. Character traits will surface that you can exploit more thoroughly. Mistakes can be corrected and style stengths added.

In other words, once you can see your work clearly, you'll have ideas on how to revise it.

I think it was Stephen King who advised putting the book away for six weeks. I think six weeks is better than the two weeks Jeff suggests, but, either way, put it away.

You need distance that only time can create, emotional distance that will clear away the gauzy film of accomplishment that conceals the oopses in your narrative. In addition to putting it away, I strongly recommend that you read it aloud when you first return to it, the whole thing. The way you process words to speak them is different than silent reading, the kind you’ve done all along, and that will help create another level of distance that enables you to see and hear flaws.

You can also help create distance by reformatting your pages to look different. When I make the page size and font look more like a book, I’ve found that my expectations of the narrative go up a notch or two. I’m tougher on the narrative in a new format. There’s a post on ways to do that here.

So—put it away, reformat it, and then read it aloud. I think you’ll be pleased at how well you’ll see both the good and the not-so-swell aspects of your manuscript.

And best of luck.

For what it's worth,

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Steve: would you turn the first page?

Submissions wanted: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Steve sends the first chapter of an urban fantasy, Crooked Halo. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Mik put his seat back and tray table in their full upright position. He made sure his seat belt was securely fastened.

This was a new experience; he usually left an aircraft in mid flight, wearing a tactical assault parachute. 

Shortly after they lifted off from Amsterdam the woman in the window seat asked him whose uniform he wore. She understood a sergeant’s stripes, and the three rows of ribbons spoke of years in uniform, but the color and cut was not in her data bank.

“Georgian Armed Forces.” Her accent said American, so he added, “A small country between Russia and Turkey.” He knew  that to most Americans, Georgia was between Alabama and South Carolina.

She laughed. “Oh, I know where Sakartvelo is. I was just in Chechnya, trying without success to extradite a terrorist. Alleged terrorist, as they are careful to say on the news.”

Mik had acquired his English in Afghanistan, serving with NATO’s International Security Assistance Force, and he wasn’t sure what extradite and alleged meant; they sounded like lawyer words, ones used to justify inaction. Terrorist he knew, and understood. In his world you simply caught them and killed them. As he had done just yesterday, although not exactly under orders.

The scene is set nicely and the character introduced in a way that makes him immediately interesting—and starts raising story questions. I thought there were three lines in particular that worked to build tension: the one about usually leaving an aircraft in mid-flight (hyphen needed there) and the last two about killing terrorists.

However—the  chapter goes on to basically give exposition and set-up; nothing happens that creates a problem for this character. I would look for a way to start the story closer to the inciting incident and, if needed, weave some of this information in at that time. Involve us with the character’s troubles and you’ll have a stronger narrative. No particular notes other than the hyphen and perhaps a comma after “Shortly after they lifted off from Amsterdam.” Good writing, confident voice.

But, seriously, look for a stronger opening later in the story. After the opening page, the chapter was on the disappointing side. It didn't give me an idea of what the story was about, nor did it increase tension. In fact, it lost tension for this reader.

My vote: Yes.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Liz: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed—just 3 left in the pillory: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Liz sends the first chapter of an urban fantasy, Crooked Halo. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

I awoke in a body bag.

Having a personal encounter with a subway tram can do that. Though to be fair, it was the regenerative coma afterward that landed me in this plastic cocoon. Some well-meaning physician had once again pronounced me dead and zipped me up.

I cataloged my injuries, or what was left of them. The dislocations had returned to their proper place; most of the broken bones fused. I could feel everything from the top of my aching head to the bottom of my throbbing feet, still laced into comfortable running shoes. The right ankle wasn’t quite right, but feeling meant no nerve damage then. I did have a scattering of bruises across my chest and belly, judging by the soreness there. And the puffy sensation on my face suggested a matching set of black eyes.

Muffled voices stopped my motion cold. I held my breath as they drew closer. Heavens above. Now there would be witnesses to my resurrection. Footsteps circled the slab where I lay, then retreated. Releasing the pent up air slowly, I started to move, then stilled as the telltale rasp of the zipper reached my ears.

I focused on staying slack, body limp. If they touched me, of course, it would be all over. Now that the coma had released me, my skin would be too warm for a human, much less a corpse. No rigor mortis either. Fluorescent light glinted behind closed eyelids. My nose itched.

For me, the opening line definitely had a hook. Followed by a strong and entertaining voice and introduced to an uncommon protagonist in an unusual situation with the suggestion of jeopardy if discovery happened worked well for me. I like the writing a lot, but there are some narrative issues that I think need clearing up.

My vote: Yes. Notes

I awoke in a body bag.

Having a personal encounter with a subway tram can do that. Though to be fair, it was the regenerative coma afterward that landed me in this plastic cocoon. Some well-meaning physician had once again pronounced me dead and zipped me up.

I cataloged my injuries, or what was left of them. The dislocations had returned to their proper place; most of the broken bones fused. I could feel everything from the top of my aching head to the bottom of my throbbing feet, still laced into comfortable running shoes. The right ankle wasn’t quite right, but feeling meant no nerve damage then. I did have a scattering of bruises across my chest and belly, judging by the soreness there. And the puffy sensation on my face suggested a matching set of black eyes.

Muffled voices stopped my motion cold. I held my breath as they drew closer. Heavens above. Now there would be witnesses to my resurrection. Footsteps circled the slab where I lay, then retreated. Releasing the pent up air slowly, I started to move, then stilled as the telltale rasp of the zipper reached my ears. Clarity/continuity issue: the protagonist stopped his/her motion, but he/she is zipped into a body bag. What motion is possible? Also, the previous paragraph didn’t include him/her moving anything. If the narrative included something such as flexing arms or legs, then the motion part would work. Also, the reference to “started to move” is unclear, seeing as how he/she is in a body bag. It would help this reader if the narrative told me what he/she moved or the intent, such as: I started to push against the zipper to force it open, then …etc.

I focused on staying slack, body limp. If they touched me, of course, it would be all over. Now that the coma had released me, my skin would be too warm for a human, much less a corpse. No rigor mortis either. Fluorescent light glinted behind closed eyelids. My nose itched. “All over” isn’t a very specific fate—what does it mean? Will he/she be killed? Imprisoned? What are the consequences of discovery here? Dire ones could increase the tension, but “all over” doesn’t get there for me. I question the perception of light glinting behind closed eyelids—when mine are closed and it’s dark, all is very black. Then, if a light is turned on, the blackness has a reddish tinge to it. But I certainly can’t perceive the glinting of the light source. I like the inclusion of the itching nose.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.”   Arwen

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Opening-line prize for self-publishers

Authonomy, the Harper Collins partner that showcases manuscripts and gets feedback from writers, is having an “opening line” contest for self-publishers. I once used Authonomy for my vampire kitty-cat novel and got good feedback.

The prize consists of:

• an editorial review
• a professional book cover
• a book trailer
• an ePressKit

Because opening lines are of many different lengths, they allow entries up to three sentences but no more than 100 words.

The contest is here.

Just for the fun of it, I submitted the opening lines of my WIP sequel to The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles. Titled “The Hollywood Unmurders,” it opens this way:

If the coyote ate me, I’d have my revenge when he ended up with a terminal case of indigestion, which is what he would deserve for chewing on a vampire kitty-cat. Unfortunately, by that time I wouldn’t be in any condition to say gotcha. Although being undead isn’t much of a life, I preferred holding on to what little I had.

If you enter, good luck.

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Leslie: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Leslie sends the first chapter of a YA novel, Core Quest. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

How I came to be crouching in a thorny hedge, mere feet from the edge of a certainly fatal drop into the Gusting Gorge, hiding from half a dozen men charged with my capture, trying to control my breathing, and reminding myself that no matter how violently my heart pounds, no one else can actually hear it—well, that’s quite a long story.

And it’s a story I would very much like to tell, no, need to tell—if I survive this night. I have no doubt that these men, who have spent the past week in unrelenting pursuit, would try their best to take me alive. But I know deep in my heart that I cannot allow it to happen, even if my only means of escape is my own death.

Would I have to break cover and leap over the edge of the gorge to keep my secret safe? I’d had such high hopes and dreams for my future. I’d just reached the Age of Independence seven short days ago, my nineteenth birthday, the day it all went so awfully wrong. The idea of ending my life now—when it was just beginning—felt blacker than the starless sky and colder than my quickly numbing flesh. I clenched my jaw, pressing my lips together to prevent the scream building up inside me any means of escape. That was a sound which, if released, would seal my fate.

Surely it was a miracle I’d eluded capture this long. Me—an inexperienced girl, sheltered (snip)

Hmmm. An immediate scene with plenty of story questions, good scene-setting, tension is there, and I like the voice (though I think the narrative could be crisper at times). But it’s also exposition and backstory that feels to me on the self-conscious side.

My vote: No, but . . .

Me, I’d prefer filling in these elements as things happen, not before they happen. So I modified the opening paragraph and picked up the narrative from the second page. See what you think and give it a vote.

I crouched in a thorny hedge feet from a fatal drop into the Gusting Gorge, hiding from half a dozen men charged with my capture, trying to control my breathing, and reminding myself that no matter how violently my heart pounded, no one else could actually hear. The sun had faded into night, taking any warmth in the air along with it and leaving me shivering.

The Guardsmen were close now, so close I could smell their odd metallic odor and hear their voices. Could they smell me as well? The wind was in my favor and the last of the rotting, end-of-season thornberries helped hide my scent.

I recognized the contemptuous snarl of the lead Guardsman. “Find this reeker bitch. There’s no cover here except these blasted thorn bushes. Search them, one by one.”

The Guardsmen fanned out, their movements invisible in the dark. Heavy footsteps thudded closer, along with the acrid stench of their sweat and the increasing feeling of menace. I heard their panting, cursing, and muttering. The thrusting of swords. Bushes cracking and shuddering. They were slashing the bushes apart! Was I wrong in believing they intended to take me alive? I’m sure they had expected to catch me that first day, and were frustrated and furious that I’d thwarted them for days.

The time had come. I slid my hand over my solar plexus and connected to my Core—the (snip)

The point is that we don't need the exposition and backstory elements of the world to become involved with the character and what's happening to her. By the way, she ends up leaping into the Gorge, a wonderfully cliff-hanging ending to the first chapter. Keep up the good work, lots of potential here.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them. Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.”   Joseph

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Corneil: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Corneil sends the first chapter of Power Play. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

A goal is a goal, no matter how the puck gets into the net. That’s how Sal played hockey and that’s how he’d play tonight. All he needed was access to the woman in the emerald gown that plunged and hugged in all the right places. He had watched her sashay through the gallery kissing cheeks, making small talk, beaming that gut-wrenching smile. Finally, she stood just a few feet away contemplating a canvas that he had heard referred to as abstract brilliance.

On an almost nightly basis, he was one of a dozen giants battling on the ice, but his opponents’ bulging chests, tree trunk legs, scarred faces and toothless snarls weren’t nearly as intimidating as seeing Vicki again.

He grabbed a champagne flute from the silver tray that floated by on a waiter’s pass and sidled up next to her. His sideways glance caught the sparkle of the obnoxious diamond on her left hand as she lifted her own glass to black-cherry painted lips. Seeing the ring should have made him walk away, instead it provided an extra shot of adrenaline.

“That looks like what’s left at the bottom of the training room spit pail after a game.”

Vicki turned towards him. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened.

“And that sounds exactly like what some dumb jock would say.”

 The years of pent-up desire overshadowed any rational thought Sal might have had. He took one step closer, laced his fingers into those cascading chocolate curls and greeted his high (snip)

Good story questions, conflict in an immediate scene, and good writing worked for me. I did want to know what happens next. But the hockey references came close to misleading me at times—small clarity issues that can be cleared up. I also felt that some of the descriptions were not accurate for a male point of view.

My vote: Yes. Notes:

A goal is a goal, no matter how the puck gets into the net. That’s how Sal played hockey, and that’s how he’d play Vicki tonight. All he needed was access to the woman in the emerald gown that plunged and hugged in all the right places. He had watched her sashay through the gallery kissing cheeks, making small talk, beaming that gut-wrenching smile. Finally, she stood just a few feet away contemplating a canvas that he had heard referred to as abstract brilliance. First clarity issue for me was “how he’d play tonight.” Play what tonight? The opening is about hockey, and the construction led me to expect more of that. But it’s the woman that is the object of the game. So why not let us know right away with her name?

On the ice an almost nightly basis, he was one of a dozen giants battling for a goal on the ice, but his opponents’ bulging chests, tree-trunk legs, scarred faces and toothless snarls weren’t nearly as intimidating as seeing Vicki again. I felt the “almost nightly basis” was vague, qualified, and strayed from the point, so I made a couple of thoughtstarter edits. I also don’t think a male character would be thinking of “bulging” chests and “tree-trunk” legs. For me, the description of their faces did the job nicely. If you go with naming the woman in the first paragraph as suggested, then change “Vicki” to “her” here.

He grabbed a champagne flute from the silver tray that floated by on a waiter’s pass and sidled up next to her. His sideways glance caught the sparkle of the obnoxious diamond on her left hand as she lifted her own glass to her black-cherry-painted lips. Seeing the ring should have made him walk away; instead it provided an extra shot of adrenaline. Since we’re in a male point of view, being a male I doubt that he’d think of “black-cherry-painted” as a description of her lips. I think a man focuses on sensual allure. You could use an adjective there, but I think it works fine without one. We know what he thinks of her looks, and just “lips” will do. I liked the inclusion of his reaction to the ring.

“That looks like what’s left at the bottom of the training room spit pail after a game.”

Vicki turned towards him. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened.

“And that sounds exactly like what some dumb jock would say.”

 The years of pent-up desire overshadowed any rational thought Sal might have had. He took one step closer, laced his fingers into those cascading chocolate her curls and greeted his high (snip) The first sentence is telling us stuff. This wouldn’t be in his mind. Just go with the action, which shows him yielding to desire in an interesting way. Her hair color doesn’t matter and the description is, for my view of a male character, a bit over the top. But I liked the curls. The edit would also get more of what he does on the first page, which includes a kiss.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.”   Arwen

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

A little replay on the use of adverbs

Over and over, we hear various writing pundits and authors advise us to either not use adverbs at all or to limit them severely. And, when it comes to adverbs that modify verbs, I’m in that camp—I think finding a strong verb does the job much better than an adverb could.

For example, when I was reviewing one of my manuscripts prior to publication I spotted, gasp, an adverb. Here’s the sentence:

She saw Murphy, like a big, round boulder parting a stream of girly secretaries cramming in a buzz of noontime shopping—except this boulder stared blatantly at their bobbing chests as they passed.

“Stared blatantly?” Damn. Another case of making an adverb try to do the work of real description. To be fair, this was from my first novel, written several years ago, on the lower slopes of my learning curve.

In this case the answer lay, as usual, in the verb. I swapped out “stared blatantly” for “leered.” Much better, giving a clear picture with fewer words. While I was at it, I tightened the sentence a little, too:

She saw Murphy, like a big, round boulder parting a stream of girly secretaries cramming in a buzz of noontime shopping, leering at their bobbing chests.

And then I came upon a pair of adverbs in one sentence…

He found Emmaline to be annoyingly cheerful but pleasingly proficient.

But these adverbs worked for me. Wait, I thought, how come they seem right when I’ve preached loud and long to avoid adverbs? Then I noticed that these modified adjectives rather than verbs.

Good cholesterol and bad cholesterol?

There was a time when we believed that all cholesterol was bad. Then we learned that there is good cholesterol and bad cholesterol.

Well, I changed my position that all adverbs are suspect, if not bad. I think there are “good” adverbs, the ones that add just the right flavor to an adjective, enhancing it with a more complete shade of meaning.

Consider the sentence describing Emmaline. Could I have achieved what I wanted, which was to give insight into one character’s feeling and attitudes toward another, without the adverbs?

He found Emmaline to be cheerful but proficient.

Nope. I’ve lost how the viewpoint character feels about Emmaline’s personality.

I went on a search for other adverbs (using Microsoft Word’s Find tool to locate “ly” in words).

Her fair cheeks fetchingly reddened by the cold, she looked no older than a teenager.

Yep, for me this works as well. It would have been okay to write. . .

Her fair cheeks reddened by the cold, she looked no older than a teenager.

. . .and you would have gotten a picture. But take “fetchingly” out and you lose the point-of-view character’s reaction to the girl’s cheeks. With the addition of the adverb to this adjective, you also get the character’s experience, i.e. his emotional reaction to the appearance he sees—fetching, attractive.

The pattern I discovered is this: adverbs are a positive addition when coupled to adjectives in order to add a point-of-view character’s nuance to what would otherwise be simple description.

Note: the above is adapted from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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© 2013 Ray Rhamey

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!”   imzf

Flogometer for Kim: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Kim sends the first chapter of The Devil and the Details. I think it’s YA, but not sure. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

Nicolas dev Linden licked his lips, sucked in a nervous breath, and waited for the girl to lie. His gaze flicked from the daughter to the mother to the dancers on the palais ballroom floor, then back to the daughter. Don't say you like me, he prayed. I know you don't.

She touched a hand to her copper ringlets and nearly managed a smile. "It's so fascinating to meet a half-devil such as yourself, monsieur. We didn't have them in Paris. With the Inquisition." Her eyes lit on his neck.

Nicolas brushed his hand across his cravat. She was staring at his scales. He could feel it. He should have worn a higher collar. She was thinking about the Inquisition and what it would do to a half-devil such as he who had the misfortune to find himself in Bonaparte's Catholic France.

"I hope you're finding the Netherlands hospitable," he said, finally, feeling a flush creep up his cheeks. If he made the rules of society, he'd insert a clause allowing people to honorably scuttle away once matters reached an insurmountable level of awkwardness.

Everyone else appeared to be having a fine time though. The ivory-walled ballroom shone with fairy light, scents of cardamom and sulfur wafted deliciously in the air, and the lively strains of Nelson's Waltz eddied forth from the orchestra. In the center of the room the dancers glowed pink as they bowed and curtsied, twirled back and circled round.

A strong, likeable voice, good writing, and in immediate introduction into an interesting fantasy world. Nicholas is likeable and I felt sympathy for  him. On the other hand, there’s not a lot of tension here, and not much in the way of story questions. Still, voice can sometimes do the trick.

My vote: Yes, but . . . See what you think of the following alternative.

The voice and the world were strong enough to get me to turn the page. There’s a bit more backstory before we get to tension-inducing elements. I removed the original narrative after the first 3 paragraphs and assembled an alternative opening by using narrative that comes later. Kim, the backstory elements can be woven in as things happen—or they may not be necessary after all—and you could probably do better than this. See what you think.

Nicolas dev Linden licked his lips, sucked in a nervous breath, and waited for the girl to lie. His gaze flicked from the daughter to the mother to the dancers on the palais ballroom floor, then back to the daughter. Don't say you like me, he prayed. I know you don't.

She touched a hand to her copper ringlets and nearly managed a smile. "It's so fascinating to meet a half-devil such as yourself, monsieur. We didn't have them in Paris. With the Inquisition." Her eyes lit on his neck.

Nicolas brushed his hand across his cravat. She was staring at his scales. He should have worn a higher collar. She was thinking about the Inquisition and what it would do to a half-devil such as he who had the misfortune to find himself in Bonaparte's Catholic France.

A saucy face appeared at the French girl's shoulder, attached to a nicely formed, silk-draped figure. "Why don't you ask him which half is the devil--the top or the bottom?"

Euclonia. Nicolas mentally added her as another reason one should be allowed to flee at high speed on social occasions. How could they possibly expect him to marry her? She hated him. And he hated her right back.

"My father is a full devil," Nicolas said before Euclonia could imply ever more terrible things about his anatomy. "My mother is the witch who raised him out of Hell. All half-devils come from the union of a witch and a full devil. And, ah, all of me is half-devil.”

Nice stuff, keep at it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey