Submissions needed:If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Claudia sends the first chapter of
a children’s fantasy set in modern times, Keeper of the Sentor Relics. Ages 9-12. Please vote—the feedback helps the
writer.
The old woman used the ornately carved dragon’s head on
her cane to knock on the door. Fallen leaves danced in the wind at her ankles.
Gripping her cane with white knuckles, she renewed rapping on the door with
such force the dragon worried it might lose some scales.
“The evilness is coming!” the dragon-head rasped.
“I know, you stupid lizard,” said the irritated old
woman.
The light bulb above her head snapped on with a harsh,
white radiance. Anticipating the door to open, she took a step back and waited.
Instead, the curtain at the window was pushed aside by a teenage boy with
soiled, dark hair hanging limply in his eyes. He pressed his sullen face to the
window, scrutinizing the stranger on the back step. The earphone cord from the
IPod in his ears, his head bobbed in time to the music only he could hear.
Still expecting the door to open, she clucked in disgust when the curtain
dropped back into place and the boy disappeared.
She raised her cane to knock again when the door
opened just enough for a girl’s face to peek through the crack.
“May I help you?” the girl asked tentatively.
“Open the door, child. I must speak to your father,” the
old woman pushed on the door with the dragon’s head.
Nope
While I love the notion of the dragon head on the cane being
sentient and somehow alive, a detail that signals an interesting world, there
weren’t any significant story questions raised. We don’t know why she’s
knocking on the door or if there are any consequences to her visit. I also
think the writing could be considerably crisper. I know that voice in fantasy
can sometimes be long-winded to fit the style, but, well, here are some notes:
The old woman used the ornately carved dragon’s head on
her cane to knock on the door. Fallen leaves danced in the wind at her ankles.
Gripping her cane with white knuckles, she renewed rapping on the door with
such force the dragon worried it might lose some scales.
“The evilness is
coming!” the dragon-head rasped.
“I know, you stupid lizard,” said the irritated
old woman. her speech shows us that she’s irritated, no need to tell us.
The light bulb above her head snapped on with a harsh,
white radiance. Anticipating the door to open, sShe took a step back and waited. Instead of the door opening, the a curtain at the
window was pushed aside by a teenage boy with soiled, dark hair hanging limply in
his eyes. He pressed his sullen face to the window, scrutinizing her the stranger on the
back step. TheAn earphone cord from an iPodthe IPod in his ears, his head bobbed
in time to the music only he could hear. Still
expecting the door to open, sheShe clucked
in disgust when the curtain dropped back into place and the boy disappeared.I like the
contrast of the dragon’s head and an iPod (which is spelled with a lowercase
i).
She raised her cane to knock again when the door
opened just enough for a girl’s face
to peek through the crack.
“May I help you?” the girl asked tentatively.Can you give us
some description, perhaps a quaver in her voice, that could take the place of
the adverb?
“Open the door, child. I must speak to your father.,” the The old woman pushed
on the door with the dragon’s head. There was no dialogue tag.
"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.” Susan
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Submissions needed:If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Kelley sends the first chapter of
Chasing Querencia. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
The growl of the engine crept around the corner. The old
Chevy looked as tired of the heat as I felt. Slinking back into the shadow of
the eave, I stood still and watched the car disappear in a faint cloud of dust.
I melted back into the empty yard and searched for Mexican
plums. Picking one from the dirt that was heavy with juice, I greedily shoved
it into my mouth as my stomach contracted with hunger pangs.
The hair stood up on my neck like a warning. Whirling around,
I searched the shadows. No one was there. Shaking off the anxiety, I shoved a
few more plums into the gathered hem of my t-shirt and headed into the street
to make my way home. The stoplight above my head swung like a lazy piñata in
the hot September breeze as it stirred up dirt devils in the neatly swept yards
along the street. I turned slowly in a circle searching for the source of my
jitters. Nothing seemed out of place. Spindly Sweet Acacia grew in bunches
around the porch of a little yellow house sagging in the sun. The dry and dusty
street lay quiet and still of traffic in the middle of the day. A rusty old
Ford was perched on blocks and sheltered a muddy brown cow dog sleeping in its
shade.
I zeroed in on the red brick school across the street. It
sat a good ways back from the road and was surrounded by dry, brown patches of
parched grass. Out of the window on the far left, (snip)
Almost, but no
I liked the voice and, mostly, the writing. The scene is
interesting—but not quite defined in terms of what the story is about. The only
tension is in the character, just a feeling. For tension to occur in the
reader, something needs to happen to the character. As it is, there is nothing
threatening the character. The yards are neatly swept, there’s no movement.
There’s just not enough of what this is all about. Is it post-apocalyptic? What
is the time period? In the chapter, the character runs from someone who
approaches her, but there’s still no reason why.
I also think you could do fine with less description of the street, traffic signal, etc. and inject some story elements. We need a story question, and there isn't much of one here, at least, for me, not a compelling one. Keep at it, though, there's a lot of promise. Notes:
The growl of the engine crept around the corner. The old
Chevy looked as tired of the heat as I felt. Slinking back into the shadow of
the eave, I stood still and watched the car disappear in a faint cloud of dust.
I melted back into the empty yard and searched for Mexican
plums. Picking one from the dirt that was heavy with juice, I greedily shoved
it into my mouth as my stomach contracted with hunger pangs. adverb not needed—shoving it into the mouth does the
job
The hair stood up on my neck like a
warning. Whirling around, I searched the shadows. No one was there.
Shaking off the anxiety, I shoved a few more plums into the gathered hem of my
t-shirt and headed into the street to make my way home. The stoplight above my
head swung like a lazy piñata inas the hot
September breeze as it stirred up dirt devils in the neatly
swept yards along the street. I turned slowly in
a circle searching for the source of my jitters. Nothing seemed out of place.
Spindly Sweet Acacia grew in bunches around the porch of a little yellow house
sagging in the sun. The dry and dusty street lay quiet and still of
traffic in the middle of the day. A rusty old Ford was perched on blocks and sheltered
a muddy brown cow dog sleeping in its shade. unclear antecedent for “it”—seems like it referred to
the piñata. Seems to me “dusty” includes “dry”
I zeroed in on the red brick school across the street. It
sat a good ways back from the road and was surrounded by dry,
brown patches of parched grass. Out of thea window on the far
left, by definition, “parched” is “dry” Unless the precise location of something (far left) is key to the action or story, it's not needed and is overwriting.
As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.” Frank Zoretich
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Apologies again. My daughter and
her family were visiting from Illinois last week and I forgot to do a post on
Friday. In lieu of that, I offer below an opportunity to flog me.
I was looking at one of my novels
the other day and reread the opening page. Like all of us do, I thought it was
pretty good. It’s an immediate scene, the setting is clear to me, there's a distinct character voice, and I believe
that there’s tension, trouble is foreshadowed, and story questions.
But that’s my perception. Now and then I like to learn what fresh eyes see. So
please give your consideration and comments on the first 16 lines from Finding Magic.
The winter wind, called the Hawk
by the people of this city, whips my long coat and thrusts icy talons under my
dress, greedy for my warmth. Last I was here it was a lively summer breeze; now
it’s a harbinger of death.
As I start up the steps to the
Chicago Art Institute, a lean man in a black overcoat sidles from behind one of
the snow-blanketed bronze lions that stand guard. He eyes me, and then targets
me with a video camera.
I snatch the sides of my hood
together to cover my face before his camera penetrates my disguise. All I want
is to go inside to say a last farewell to Graeme, and then end my pain.
But centuries of hiding won’t let
me ignore the danger if his camera lens pierces the “Annie the tourist”
illusion I’ve created for outsiders to see. Who might he tell if, instead
of the freckles and springy red curls his naked eyes see under the influence of
my glamère, his camera’s objective electronic eye
shows him the pale skin and limp brunette tresses of my truself?
The clans cannot risk a breach of
our anonymity. Pulling my hood tighter, I trot up the stairsteps.
Please, no trouble now.
His lips move, and the wind
carries his words to me. “I think I got one.”
The rest of the chapter is here. If you read it, I'd appreciate your feedback in a comment or an email.
Submissions needed:If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Sandrine sends the first chapter of
In Between. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
“Choco, here are all the details for your trip next week,” my booker has
written at the top of his email. “02 Sept New York-London 10.30 pm-10.20 am.”
Alright, that’s good, I can sleep all the way through. I scroll down and
make a mental note to ask my doctor for sleeping tablets. I’ve been feeling anxious
lately. Arguing till 2 am with Jon doesn’t help either. I should check if
there’s a yoga class tonight at my gym.
“03 Sept London-Edinburgh 11.55 am-02.35 pm.”
That’s not a bad connection. I crack open the window; the driver must have
forgotten to wear deodorant. Summer time in the city is the worst. And can the
driver stop talking on the phone! I don’t care if it’s hands-free, it’s
annoying.
“09 Sept Edinburgh-London-Cape Town.”
Holy Moly, I’ll be dead when I arrive. There better not be any crying
babies next to me, like last time. They ought to make baby formula with little
whiskey drops in it. ‘Sleeping tablets!’ I type in my calendar section. I get
back to Steven’s email to check the return flight after my two-day-shoot for
L’Oréal, but the email keeps going with a trip to Miami. With all those miles I
might be able to get Jon and I a free trip home for Christmas. He promised to
come with me this year. I check the airline companies I’ve been booked on, but
I don’t think they are partners. If I (snip)
Nope
The writing and voice are fine, and the scene is well set. But,
for me, there’s nothing much happening here. Planning a trip isn’t exactly tension producing. And what is the story
about? I read the chapter and still don’t know. The rest is about her waiting
to be seen for a hair modeling assignment. So we take a cab ride and sit in a
room with other models. I think this book needs to start much later, when
something happens to the protagonist that causes a serious problem. I don’t
really have any notes on the text, which, in my view, should not be used here
anyway.
Find the inciting incident for this story and start as close
to that as you can. And give us a story question on the first page. It would be
fun to visit the glamorous world of a model, but only within the context of
things happening that impact her life.
“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.” HMS
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
On Sunday, August 3, I'll be
doing a workshop at the Willamette Writers Conference on Book Cover Design for Less than $50.
The workshop will cover these things:
Tools: the free GIMP image manipulation program
Resources: the best stock image resources and free typography resources
Considerations: the goals of your design, things to watch out for
Techniques: using single images, manipulating color and images for effect, combining multiple images, and more. I'll show the original art used, the type selected, and the process of putting them together for a number of books, including fiction, memoir, and non-fiction.
So I'm building a Powerpoint presentation on the above right now and I got to thinking--maybe people who visit FtQ would be interested in a book covering those topics.
The book would be an ebook, a PDF at the minimum, maybe a Kindle version. It would cover all the topics listed for the workshop, and be illustrated with many many color examples. I think a good price would be $2.99 or $3.99.
So please give me some insight with the poll below--you can enter multiple answers.
Many thanks, and I hope to see you at the workshop.
OMG, I got
so busy with a book design project that I forgot to do a flogging on Wednesday.
Apologies.
Submissions needed: Only 3 left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Alex sends the first chapter of
Freedom Jungle. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
The key to her freedom sat at
the bar with a beer in his hand. He appeared to be alone and settled in, back
to the wall, eyes on his drink. From the door, there wasn’t much to look at
anyway. The small cantina was dark and quiet, with shuttered windows and a few
customers spread along the bamboo counter. Some faded posters and curls of
cigarette smoke.
The man’s gaze shifted her way when she crossed the room. A breeze
came from paddle fans spinning above, lifting napkin corners and cooling her
damp skin. With her pulse kicking up,
Angel slid onto a wooden stool, leaving an empty seat between them.
“Cerveza por favor.” It felt strange to be in public, ordering a drink.
“Please, allow me.”
The blue-eyed man handed a five-dollar bill to the barkeep, nodding
toward her.
From his plain English and his money it was easy to see why there were
whispers about an American hanging around town. The whispers had driven her
here. At face value it looked like they were off to a good start, but anyone
could get hold of a five-dollar bill, and most people could fake an accent for
three simple words.
The bartender set
the bottle on a napkin, giving her a long squint-eyed look, but said nothing. He
turned and moved on to another customer.
Yes
I like the voice and
the mysteriousness of this opening. The first line has a good initial hook and
raises a story question right away—freedom from what? What is the trouble she’s
in? Her suspicion about his authenticity adds to the tension for me.
However, it could
have been stronger. I would eliminate the last two lines about the bartender,
which don’t really contribute to the story, and substitute the following two
lines from the next page:
Hiding in plain
sight was a new strategy and a huge risk, but she had to seize the chance while
she could. With luck, she’d have thirty minutes before hard trouble set in.
With that at the end
of the page, it’s a guaranteed turn for me. Notes:
The key to her freedom sat at
the bar with a beer in his hand. He appeared to be alone and settled in, back
to the wall, eyes on his drink. From the door, there wasn’t much to look at
anyway. The small cantina was dark and quiet, with shuttered windows and a few
customers spread along the bamboo counter. Some faded posters and curls of
cigarette smoke.I
don’t care for the sentence fragment at the end. The info is good for setting scene and mood,
but why not make it a real sentence of experiential description--if she's been in hiding, maybe the posters and smoke evoke a feeling.
The man’s gaze shifted her way when she crossed the room. A breeze
came from paddle fans spinning above, lifting napkin corners and cooling her
damp skin. With her pulse kicking up,
Angel slid onto a wooden stool, leaving an empty seat between them.
“Cerveza
por favor.” It felt strange to be in public, ordering a drink. Use italics for
foreign language.
“Please, allow me.”
The blue-eyed man handed a five-dollar bill to the barkeep, nodding
toward her.
From his plain English and his money it was easy to see why there were
whispers about an American hanging around town. The whispers had driven her
here. At face value it looked like they were off to a good start, but anyone
could get hold of a five-dollar bill, and most people could fake an accent for
three simple words.
The
bartender set the bottle on a napkin, giving her a long squint-eyed look, but
said nothing. He turned and moved on to another customer.
Hiding in
plain sight was a new strategy and a huge risk, but she had to seize the chance
while she could. With luck, she’d have thirty minutes before hard trouble set
in.
“There are many, many books out there on how to write a novel etc. etc. etc. I am always in the book store browsing through them but somehow they are a mission to read and never quite provoke me into writing, until I found Flogging the Quill.
Rhamey does not beat around the bush and gets straight to the meat of it. At the end of the day after years of procrastination I am actually writing and getting on with my dream project. I have recommended this book to my friends and they have all agreed it is a quick read but full of worthy and real world advice. Thanks for the help Ray!” Holmes
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
You know how I harp on the need for story questions. An FtQ reader
mentioned an article by Lee Child on creating suspense and guess what? Story
questions. I’m taking the liberty of reposting excerpts from the New York Times
Opinionator article, found here, for educational purposes, and encourage you to
visit Mr. Child’s website.
A Simple Way
to Create Suspense
By LEE CHILD
How do you create suspense? I’m asked that question often, and it seems that
every writers’ symposium has a class with that title. It’s an important
technical issue, and not just for so-called suspense novels. Every novel needs
a narrative engine, a reason for people to keep reading to the end, whatever
the subject, style, genre or approach.
(snip)
As novelists, we should ask or imply a question at the beginning of the
story, and then we should delay the answer.
Readers are human, and humans seem programmed to wait for answers to
questions they witness being asked. I learned that fact in my first job. I
worked in television production from 1977 until 1995, and the business changed
radically during that time, mainly because of one particular invention. It was
something that almost no one had in 1980, and that almost everyone had in 1990,
and it changed the game forever. We had to cope with it. We had to invent a
solution to the serious problem it posed.
(You notice I haven’t told you what the invention was yet? I implied a
question, and didn’t answer it. You’re waiting. You’re wondering, what did
almost no one have in 1980 that almost everyone had in 1990? You’re definitely
going to read the next paragraph, aren’t you? Thus the principle works in a
micro sense, as well as in a macro one. Page to page, paragraph to paragraph,
line to line — even within single sentences — imply a question first, and then
answer it second. The reader learns to chase, and the momentum becomes
unstoppable.)
What almost no one had in 1980 and almost everyone had in 1990 was a remote
control. Previously, at the end of a segment or a program, we could be fairly
sure the viewer wouldn’t change the channel on a whim, because changing the channel
required the viewer to get off the sofa and cross the room. But afterward,
changing the channel was easy, which was very dangerous for an audience-hungry
station.
So how did we respond? (Notice the structure here? Wait for it!) We started
asking questions before the commercials, and answering them afterward.
For instance, heading toward a movie review program, I remember we asked:
Who was the studio’s first choice for the Harry Callahan role in “Dirty Harry”?
We knew most viewers would be intrigued. (What, Clint Eastwood wasn’t the
first choice?) But — and this was the lesson — the success of the tactic didn’t
depend on intrigue. Even viewers with no interest at all stuck around to find
out. Humans are hard-wired. They need to know. Even viewers who knew the answer
for sure stuck around, in order to be gratified. The gap was bridged, and the
danger averted. (It was Frank Sinatra. You waited, right?)
We need to bring the same simple principle to our books. Someone killed
someone else: who? You’ll find out at the end of the book. Something weird is
happening: what? You’ll find out at the end of the book. Something has to be
stopped: how? You’ll find out at the end of the book.
(snip)
In my latest Jack Reacher novel, “A Wanted Man,” it’s clear on the first
page that a mysterious person has been murdered. Who was he? Why was he killed?
He has appeared so early that the reader has no emotional investment in him. He
doesn’t even have a name. Even so, the questions nag, and they aren’t
completely answered until the last page.
Trusting such a simple system feels cheap and meretricious while you’re
doing it. But it works. It’s all you need. Of course, attractive and
sympathetic characters are nice to have; and elaborate and sinister
entanglements are satisfying; and impossible-to-escape pits of despair are
great. But they’re all luxuries. The basic narrative fuel is always the slow
unveiling of the final answer.
Submissions needed:If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Lucy sends the first chapter of
an historical novel, Finding
Grace. Please vote—the feedback
helps the writer.
‘Unwed
girls of seventeen, niece, do not run live alone nor run their own estate. How
ridiculous of you to expect to be allowed to do so. And with your face and
fortune, you would be the prey of every unscrupulous, godless man in the county
desirous of mending their parlous state of affairs. No, my dear Grace, your
place is in Burford with us.’
Prudence
Truscott flicked another piece of Holland
cloth over the best bedchamber’s chairs; the closing up of High Barton was
proceeding apace. But Grace Ashley could bear no more of this. For days she had
watched her aunt’s efficient housekeeping transform her home into a mausoleum
of shrouded furniture and darkened rooms, and her heart was breaking.
‘Aunt,
I cannot bear to leave,’ she said quietly, trying to hold back the flood of
grief for her double loss. ‘I have lost so much in this last week: first Father
and now High Barton. I am grateful for your care - truly, I am - but…’ But she
knew that her words would fall on deaf ears for, on this matter, the Truscotts
were inexorable.
‘What
sentimental nonsense you do talk. You will live here again when you are
married. For women, as you well know, are unfitted to control their own affairs
- did not the Lord ordain it so? - and who knows what these troublesome times
will hold. Your dear father knew well what he did in appointing Saul as your
guardian.’
Nope
Good,
clear writing, an historical-sounding voice that feels like an old English
time, but not much in the way of tension. Yes, there’s an overall story
question of what will become of this well-off young woman, but nothing is
happening or foreshadowed that will be a problem for the character. The chapter
is a leisurely set-up and exposition of the character and backstory, but at the
end we have a young woman going to live with her aunt, and there don’t seem to
be any problems with that. No trouble, no tension, no story, no page-turning. Notes:
‘Unwed
girls of seventeen, niece, do not run live alone nor run their own estate. How
ridiculous of you to expect to be allowed to do so. And with your face and
fortune, you would be the prey of every unscrupulous, godless man in the county
desirous of mending their parlous state of affairs. No, my dear Grace, your
place is in Burford with us.’
Prudence
Truscott flicked another piece of Holland
cloth over the best bedchamber’s chairs; the closing up of High Barton was
proceeding apace. But Grace Ashley could bear no more of this. For days she had
watched her aunt’s efficient housekeeping transform her home into a mausoleum
of shrouded furniture and darkened rooms, and her heart was breaking.
‘Aunt,
I cannot bear to leave,’ she said quietly, trying to hold back the flood of
grief for her double loss. ‘I have lost so much
in this last week: first Father and now High Barton. I am grateful
for your care - truly, I am - but…’ But she knew that her words would fall on
deaf ears for, on this matter, the Truscotts were inexorable.Having a
character tell another character something that is clearly already known is not
an artful way of including information. Instead, it can be included in place of
the reference to a double loss. Just go ahead and include that.
‘What
sentimental nonsense you do talk. You will live here again when you are
married. For women, as you well know, are unfitted to control their own affairs
- did not the Lord ordain it so? - and who knows what these troublesome times
will hold. Your dear father knew well what he did in appointing Saul as your
guardian.’
Submissions needed:If you’d like a fresh look at your
opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the
directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Johan sends the first chapter of
Under a Dark Sky. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
All around me the angels are falling.
One by one they burst silently into flame as we fall to Earth.
A blinding flash, searing heat and I'm burning too.
I scream myself awake.
#
The shimmering wall of light is cold and wet against my cheek as I
lean against it, the sound of heartbeat in my ears. I blink, the world tilts
and the wall becomes an ocean. The ocean becomes a lake and with the return of
smell the lake becomes a glittering pool of vomit reflecting the cheap sodium
street lights overhead. Badly animated holo-signs cast dancing shadows over the
garbage in the alley where I'm lying facedown in the dirt. An early morning
rainstorm is battering the city, dark clouds under a dark sky. Fuck. Someone
should tell me I have a drinking problem.
But this time I have a good reason to get drunk. A damn good
reason.
Most of us would drink to forget after seeing a helpless man murdered
in cold blood. The rest would drink too when they saw what the victim did
afterwards.
I blink again and the heartbeat resolves into Dysfunk bass-lines
from the open back door of a pub. A man in a dark coat stands watching me from
the mouth of the alley. I (snip)
Yes
I
turned the page primarily because of the voice—I liked the matter-of-fact, dry
delivery of some pretty harsh stuff and the touch of humor—and the mystery set
up in the next to last paragraph: what would a murder victim do after being
killed? However (I did read ahead), I also think it might be stronger to have a
little hint of what the murdered man did, just a hint. For example: The rest would drink too when they heard what
the victim said afterwards. Just a thought.
I could
do without the dream (if that’s what it is) at the opening to include more
story on the first page. For instance, it doesn’t look like the man who watches
him is involved again, certainly not in the first chapter. So why use up narrative
to include him?
I would
also caution Johan about spending as much time as he does on setting the bar
scene after the narrator gets up. I’m sure we won’t be seeing it again, and the
nature of this world can be woven in after and as we learn about what the
murdered man did (it’s not a zombie story, I think—it’s more like a
resurrection). I don’t have much in the way of nitpicks, but your comments
could be helpful to Johan.
“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.” Arwen
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.