Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Johan sends the first chapter of Under a Dark Sky. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
All around me the angels are falling.
One by one they burst silently into flame as we fall to Earth.
A blinding flash, searing heat and I'm burning too.
I scream myself awake.
#
The shimmering wall of light is cold and wet against my cheek as I lean against it, the sound of heartbeat in my ears. I blink, the world tilts and the wall becomes an ocean. The ocean becomes a lake and with the return of smell the lake becomes a glittering pool of vomit reflecting the cheap sodium street lights overhead. Badly animated holo-signs cast dancing shadows over the garbage in the alley where I'm lying facedown in the dirt. An early morning rainstorm is battering the city, dark clouds under a dark sky. Fuck. Someone should tell me I have a drinking problem.
But this time I have a good reason to get drunk. A damn good reason.
Most of us would drink to forget after seeing a helpless man murdered in cold blood. The rest would drink too when they saw what the victim did afterwards.
I blink again and the heartbeat resolves into Dysfunk bass-lines from the open back door of a pub. A man in a dark coat stands watching me from the mouth of the alley. I (snip)
Yes
I turned the page primarily because of the voice—I liked the matter-of-fact, dry delivery of some pretty harsh stuff and the touch of humor—and the mystery set up in the next to last paragraph: what would a murder victim do after being killed? However (I did read ahead), I also think it might be stronger to have a little hint of what the murdered man did, just a hint. For example: The rest would drink too when they heard what the victim said afterwards. Just a thought.
I could do without the dream (if that’s what it is) at the opening to include more story on the first page. For instance, it doesn’t look like the man who watches him is involved again, certainly not in the first chapter. So why use up narrative to include him?
I would also caution Johan about spending as much time as he does on setting the bar scene after the narrator gets up. I’m sure we won’t be seeing it again, and the nature of this world can be woven in after and as we learn about what the murdered man did (it’s not a zombie story, I think—it’s more like a resurrection). I don’t have much in the way of nitpicks, but your comments could be helpful to Johan.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.” Arwen
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey