Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Claudia sends the first chapter of a children’s fantasy set in modern times, Keeper of the Sentor Relics. Ages 9-12. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
The old woman used the ornately carved dragon’s head on her cane to knock on the door. Fallen leaves danced in the wind at her ankles. Gripping her cane with white knuckles, she renewed rapping on the door with such force the dragon worried it might lose some scales.
“The evilness is coming!” the dragon-head rasped.
“I know, you stupid lizard,” said the irritated old woman.
The light bulb above her head snapped on with a harsh, white radiance. Anticipating the door to open, she took a step back and waited. Instead, the curtain at the window was pushed aside by a teenage boy with soiled, dark hair hanging limply in his eyes. He pressed his sullen face to the window, scrutinizing the stranger on the back step. The earphone cord from the IPod in his ears, his head bobbed in time to the music only he could hear. Still expecting the door to open, she clucked in disgust when the curtain dropped back into place and the boy disappeared.
She raised her cane to knock again when the door opened just enough for a girl’s face to peek through the crack.
“May I help you?” the girl asked tentatively.
“Open the door, child. I must speak to your father,” the old woman pushed on the door with the dragon’s head.
Nope
While I love the notion of the dragon head on the cane being sentient and somehow alive, a detail that signals an interesting world, there weren’t any significant story questions raised. We don’t know why she’s knocking on the door or if there are any consequences to her visit. I also think the writing could be considerably crisper. I know that voice in fantasy can sometimes be long-winded to fit the style, but, well, here are some notes:
The old woman used the ornately carved dragon’s head on her cane to knock on the door. Fallen leaves danced in the wind at her ankles. Gripping her cane with white knuckles, she renewed rapping on the door with such force the dragon worried it might lose some scales.
“The evilness is coming!” the dragon-head rasped.
“I know, you stupid lizard,” said the irritated old woman. her speech shows us that she’s irritated, no need to tell us.
The light bulb above her head snapped on with a harsh, white radiance. Anticipating the door to open, sShe took a step back and waited. Instead of the door opening, the a curtain at the window was pushed aside by a teenage boy with soiled, dark hair hanging limply in his eyes. He pressed his sullen face to the window, scrutinizing her the stranger on the back step. The An earphone cord from an iPod the IPod in his ears, his head bobbed in time to the music only he could hear. Still expecting the door to open, she She clucked in disgust when the curtain dropped back into place and the boy disappeared. I like the contrast of the dragon’s head and an iPod (which is spelled with a lowercase i).
She raised her cane to knock again when the door opened just enough for a girl’s face to peek through the crack.
“May I help you?” the girl asked tentatively. Can you give us some description, perhaps a quaver in her voice, that could take the place of the adverb?
“Open the door, child. I must speak to your father.,” the The old woman pushed on the door with the dragon’s head. There was no dialogue tag.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.” Susan
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey