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Submissions needed: There are only a couple of submissions left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Steve sends the first chapter of Cold Water Creek. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
Doctor Artemis Rite hovered over skeletal remains spread across a stainless steel examination table as if perusing through a jewelry store countertop looking at engagement rings.
“So that’s it?” Carter Blaine said. He stood at the doctor’s right shoulder gazing down at the brown mass of sticks. Rite had placed the fragments carefully in their respective places simulating a human skeleton. It was the best he could do considering the incomplete remains that were found in the sunken van.
“Not much to go on,” Rite mumbled.
The forensic dive team had collected twelve human bones, a skull and a slime covered high school class ring.
“That’s about it,” Rite said through a sigh as he clinched his Meerschaum pipe between his teeth.
“Can we do anything with what we got?”
“DNA could match something but it is a slim chance.”
“What do we know?”
“Young, female, dead.” Doctor Rite expressed through his bizarre sense of humor.
“I think the State’s Attorney will want a little more detail than that.”
“Not much more to talk about until the Feds come back with information on the vehicle.”
Nope
For me, there just weren’t any compelling story questions related to either of the two characters introduced here. It sounds like a routine medical examination. Since I know nothing of the dead girl, there’s no particular interest there, either.
I looked ahead in the chapter, and sure enough something did happen to the protagonist, Carter, that would have gotten me to turn the page. Here, with a little editing, is an alternative opening. What’s your vote?
Carter joined the line for the bank teller. It was nearly noon and his stomach grumbled; Jenna hadn’t felt like making breakfast. Her parting words were, “Grab something from McDonald’s and don’t get yourself killed before you come home.” All he wanted was some cash and to get through the day, get back home, have a couple of beers, and watch the game.
He scanned across the front of the bank as a cop would and noticed a squirmy little guy wearing a Red Sox ball cap charge through the front doors.
“Sonovabitch,” Carter mumbled as he felt a spasm in his stomach. Not from a lack of food or the fact the runt wore a Red Sox cap in south Florida; it was that feeling as if the air was being sucked out of the room just before something bad was about to happen. Squirmy headed directly toward the teller counter. Carter reached inside his jacket and placed his hand on his service revolver.
Squirmy flung his cap to the floor and pulled a stocking over his head. Carter released the grip on his weapon as Squirmy presented a cheap 38-caliber handgun from beneath his baggy Black Sabbath T-shirt. A confrontation now would only ensure someone getting hurt, or a hostage, or possibly something worse.
"Everybody freeze. On the ground. NOW!" Squirmy waved his gun in the air. Everyone dropped (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.” Susan
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey