Submissions needed: There are only a couple of submissions left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Lorry sends the first chapter of a short story, The Joy of Spring. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.
The Boss is a big man, at least six-foot -three, with unruly gray hair, a bumpy face landscaped in red and purple, and eyes the color of late August dirt.
“Wiley!” he barks all day. “Wiley, where is that order for Chipman’s? They’re picking up at four!”
It doesn’t matter what he’s asking you, or telling you. The Boss always sounds impatient, a bit angry.
“Wiley!” You jump. “Have you had lunch yet? Let’s get a burrito over at Jose’s! Hungry?” he demands. “Let’s go!”
“Wiley! You’re late! Nice of you to join us!”
“Wiley! You’re early! Early birds get the worm!”
There is no difference between The Boss being angry and The Boss attempting to be kind. His voice always startles and jolts, and even when he’s asking you to join him for a beer at five, it sounds like an order that your gut tells you at first to protest. Nobody likes being told what to do, all the time. He has a way of always sounding like a boss. The Boss.
Why can’t he just tone it down a little? Why does he have to sound like he’s always at the edge of something? Or that he always knows more than you do?
Nope
I do like the voice, but for me no “what happens next?” questions come up. The narrative being in second person might bother some, but it was okay with me, and seemed to work for a short story. The "rules" are different in some ways for a short story, but, on the other hand, I'd like some scene-setting to give me a context for this little rant. Mostly, though, I think this needs something happening to the character.
The writing is pretty clean and I have no notes to speak of—there’s maybe a comma or two I’d quibble about. But I do wonder about just how effective the description “eyes the color of late August dirt” is. If you’re in Oklahoma, that could be orangy-red, or in Illinois dark brown, or in eastern Oregon a dry gray.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.” Frank Zoretich
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey