Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Jorrie: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Jorrie sends the first chapter of an urban fantasy novel. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

I traced my finger along the curved edge of my sword. Not close enough to touch it, but close enough it appeared to anyone watching I was. Moon light caught the single bladed edge making it appear as if it was colored white instead of shiny steel. This waiting would be the death of me, I swear it.

Wind stirred around me sweeping loose strands of chocolate brown waves across my face and rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. It was the death of the silence that had cradled the park, freezing it in time like the world had chosen to forget about it for a moment. I was grateful for my pull on hoodie, there was a bit of a bite to the wind. Night draped me and the rest of the city in shadows despite, or perhaps because of, the full moon looking down on the earth. The shadows of the trees stretched out across the grass, looming over everything. Guarding might be a stretch, but watching certainly wasn’t. Somewhere past where I could see the city center lit downtown like a Christmas tree bathing miles of houses and streets in a soft amber glow and blotting out the stars in the sky. I knew when I looked up here I could see those stars.

The park was deserted this time of night- mostly. Had it been completely deserted, I wouldn’t have been here. I leaned against one of the trees just off the dirt path that curved through the very center of the park. The shadow concealed me fairly well, but I wasn’t exactly hiding and the moonlight glinting off my sword was a dead giveaway anyway. I was on the (snip)

Nope

While this narrative introduces an interesting character and, perhaps, world, it’s consumed with description and, for me, lacks tension. Yes, the character seems to be feeling some tension, but we don’t know why, and nothing happens.

There is interesting stuff to come. He soon connects with a “high elf,” a woman, and they capture a couple of imps who have found a bloodied purse. But that leads to nothing much in this chapter. It’s primarily set-up of the world. While I realize that this is often necessary in fantasy, for me there was just too much introduction and explanation. Notes:

I traced my finger along the curved edge of my sword. Not close enough to touch it, but close enough it appeared to anyone watching I was. Moon light Moonlight caught the blade single bladed edge, making it appear as if it was colored white instead of shiny steel. This waiting would be the death of me, I swear it. I liked this opening paragraph and the suggestion of watchers and trouble to come.

Wind stirred around me, sweeping loose strands of chocolate brown waves across my face and rustling the leaves in the trees overhead. It was the death of the silence that had cradled the park, freezing it in time like the world had chosen to forget about it for a moment. I was grateful for my pull-on hoodie, there was a bit of a bite to the wind. Night draped me and the rest of the city in shadows despite, or perhaps because of, the full moon looking down on the earth. The shadows of the trees stretched out across the grass, looming over everything. Guarding might be a stretch, but watching certainly wasn’t. Somewhere past where I could see the city center lit downtown like a Christmas tree bathing miles of houses and streets in a soft amber glow and blotting out the stars in the sky. I knew when I looked up here I could see those stars. I assume “chocolate brown waves” refers to hair, but it didn’t mean that right at first. First, it’s a small POV glitch—when in close third person, characters shouldn’t think things they normally do, and no one thinks of the color of their hair unless that is important to what’s going on. Second, the phrase didn't immediately mean "hair" to me, and you don't want any lack of clarity on the first page. I don’t know what the reference to guarding being a stretch meant—a stretch from what? It turns out that this character is a Guardian, capital G, but here it doesn’t mean anything to me. The description I cut was, for me, overwriting. The dark and moonlit park is the scene where things happen, and that should be enough to get us started.

The park was deserted this time of night- mostly. Had it been completely deserted, I wouldn’t have been here. I leaned against a tree one of the trees just off the dirt path that curved through the very center of the park. The shadow concealed me fairly well, but I wasn’t exactly hiding, and the moonlight glinting off my sword was a dead giveaway anyway. I was on the (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.”   Shannon

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Andre: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: There are only a couple of submissions left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Andre sends the first chapter of Cellar Door. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

John Bunson stood silent just beneath the lintel that divided the stairwell from the basement. One hand rested on his pounding heart, while his eyes remained riveted to the back of a cadaverous old woman’s head as she rocked slowly in front of a solitary window. All around her hung a thick fog of cigarette smoke, its long gray tendrils moving in ghostlike forms through a thin slant of light that crept in through the window, accented by a galaxy of dust motes swirling about in the foul, stagnant air. Little of the woman’s form was visible accept for her hair that fell over the back of the chair, all of it unshorn in a mess of gray tangles and greasy black shocks. Occasionally she would lift her withered hand from the chair’s arm and place a black cigarette to her lips. A long draw would produce a pall of ashen smoke that would congress around her head, its fingers catching in her filthy hair and clinging to her threadbare robe.

At the peripheral of the old woman’s vision stretched a long hallway leading out of the room. That was his destination. John took one trepid step toward it, and with it, an old floor board creaked beneath him. He abruptly halted his movement and swallowed the apple that had formed in the back of his throat. Please don’t hear me. Please don’t hear me. He waited. He waited for her to turn, to come for him, but Grandma hadn’t heard. Her rocking continued uninterrupted, as did her puffing of the black cigarette.

The old estate was a tinder box during the summer months. So warm it often felt cooler (snip)

Nope

The narrative does a good job of establishing a mood, and there’s a little tension and a story question of why John seems fearful of attracting Grandma’s attention . . . but that’s not a lot. It would be helpful if there were consequences suggested. There were craft issues for me, especially in the setting of the scene. I don’t really get the layout of where he and Grandma are.

I read on, and found out that the whole chapter is a dream. It has a tone of horror, but was a little long-winded for me. And I had no idea what bearing or impact the dream had on the story. Nor did I know what the story was about, and that was after reading through the first chapter.

I suggest Andre consider starting the story at a place where John faces a choice of having to do something about whatever trouble he has. If the dream must be presented, then perhaps in a prologue (which many readers and agents will skip). Bottom line, I didn’t get an idea of a story. Notes:

John Bunson stood silent just beneath the lintel that divided the stairwell from the basement. One hand rested on his pounding heart, while his eyes remained riveted to the back of a cadaverous old woman’s head as she rocked slowly in front of a solitary window. All around her hung a thick fog of cigarette smoke, its long gray tendrils moving in ghostlike forms through a thin slant of light that crept in through the window, accented by a galaxy of dust motes swirling about in the foul, stagnant air. Little of the woman’s form was visible accept for her hair that fell over the back of the chair, all of it unshorn in a mess of gray tangles and greasy black shocks. Occasionally she would lift her withered hand from the chair’s arm and place a black cigarette to her lips. A long draw would produce a pall of ashen smoke that would congress around her head, its fingers catching in her filthy hair and clinging to her threadbare robe. The opening sentence seems to suggest that he’s in a stairwell. But then where is the woman sitting? In a room? In the stairwell? On a landing in the stairwell? I found this confusing. It didn’t seem plausible that he knew the woman was cadaverous since he can only see the back of her head. We learn later that he knows who it is, but at this point it was distracting. While there is a mood created here, I felt that the coverage of smoke and smoking was overwritten and more than is good for hooking a reader at the opening of a story.

At the peripheral of the old woman’s vision stretched a long hallway leading out of the room. That was his destination. John took one trepid step toward it, and with it, an old a floor board creaked beneath him. He abruptly halted his movement and swallowed the apple lump that had formed in the back of his throat. Please don’t hear me. Please don’t hear me. He waited. He waited for her to turn, to come for him, but Grandma hadn’t heard. Her rocking continued uninterrupted, as did her puffing of the black cigarette. POV issue—how can he know what is at the peripheral of her vision? There’s a hallway leading out of the room, but what room is that? The setting of the scene didn’t include a room, just a stairwell. While I get what you’re going for with the “apple” in his throat, it pulled me out of the story. A case of where simple may be better for the reader.

The old estate was a tinder box during the summer months. So warm it often felt cooler (snip) This, for me, is no time to go to a description of a building, it’s the time for things to happen that put this character into jeopardy. What’s the story?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Adverbs as description

We hear from writers such as Elmore Leonard and from editors to avoid adverbs. But that advice is too broad and simplistic to really put to work. And not all adverbs are “bad”—I’ve written about how they are quite useful in adding nuance to the descriptive powers of adjectives.

I think the bad rap adverbs has comes from their weakness as tools for description when they’re utilized with verbs. For example, this sentence:

Jimmy walked slowly across the cluttered room.

I see, fuzzily, a guy walking. Not very fast (but I can’t really picture it). No clear picture comes to mind.

So let’s ditch the verb/adverb combo and choose a verb that evokes a picture, at the least, and at best characterizes the action. If, for example, your story is suspense, then how about…

Jimmy crept across the cluttered room.

Better. Here are other possibilities, depending on the story. Choose the best verb for each scenario:

In a fight scene, Jimmy would have Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled across the room.

If Jimmy is a dancer, then he Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled .

Make Jimmy a burglar and he Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled .

If Jimmy is in no hurry, then he Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled .

If Jimmy is in a hurry, then he Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled .

If Jimmy has been over-served at a bar, then he Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled . Or maybe he Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled , or Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled , or Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled , or, perhaps, Choose glided sloshed dashed tottered lunged weaved skulked staggered dashed lurched ambled .

For what it's worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Holly: would you turn the first page?

Check out my Writer Unboxed Flog a Pro post--interesting comments on a bestselling YA novel, The Fault in Our Stars. It got a "yes" from me.

Did you take a look at my Kickstarter page?

Submissions needed: There are only a couple of submissions left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Holly sends the first chapter of a post-apocalyptic YA novel, Terra Vonn. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

My clan had decided when I would marry, and, as bad as that sounds, a few goats or chickens, more or less, would determine who would marry me. I tried my best, but I couldn’t think of any way to get out of it.

Every year, after traveling north to our base camp, and just before spring planting, our village would throw a wedding party. The fifteen and nearly-fifteen-year-old girls plus any other unattached women who wanted to would present themselves to the clan. Men then bid on us. After the bidding ended, we were married. It was as simple as that. We were just trade items, I guess. Happy brides were part of a long ago history and had no place at our wedding party.

The day had finally come, and I was fixing my best friend Becca’s hair and helping her with the carved-bone buttons on the back of her dress.

“You’re beautiful, Becca.”

She turned and held my hands.

“Aren’t you excited? Carson will pick you, I know he will,” she said. “And Michael will pick me, and we’ll live next to each other and be great friends.”

That kind of talk was why I worried about Becca. I was sure that none of what she hoped for was going to happen. I bit my lip and turned her around, fiddling with her hair. “That would be nice. I hope you’re right.”

Close, but . . .

Even though the first couple of paragraphs come close to being info-dumpish, and I think they could be done better with a more experiential approach—make it personal rather than a report, for example, something like Now that I was fifteen, I had to present myself etc… they interested me in this world and the girl. But then the narrative shifts into talk and buttoning a dress. It anticipates what might happen rather than be something that is happening.  I’d have been happier if some of this piece from later had been the third paragraph:

A few of the prettier girls would bring high bids, but I knew I wouldn’t be one of those. Most people considered me attractive, with my long blonde hair and blue eyes, but I was so tall I towered over all of the girls and most of the boys. My parents also cautioned me that no one appreciated my smart mouth. There was another thing that went against me. A boy had once thrown me to the ground, and I did the same to him, causing him to walk with a limp from then on. My parents were really angry about that. They told me I had ruined my chances with a potential husband -- and that my odds weren’t great to begin with.

I think something like that increases tension through her chance of failure. If we were to switch at that point to her hoping that she would fail to get a husband, I think the story questions would be plenty strong. Notes on the original, which could be tighter:

My clan had decided when I would marry, and, as bad as that sounds, a few goats or chickens, more or less, would determine who would marry me. I tried my best, but I couldn’t think of any way to get out of it.  The opening is a little misleading—the clan doesn’t decide when she in particular will marry, it just has rules that determine when it happens to all their women. I think this could be more interesting and raise stronger story questions from the start with something like this thoughtstarter: A few goats or chickens, more or less, would decide who in my clan I would have to marry after today’s wedding party.

Every year, after traveling north to our base camp, and just before spring planting, our village would throw a wedding party. The fifteen and nearly-fifteen-year-old girls plus any other unattached women who wanted to would present themselves to the clan. Men then bid on us. After the bidding ended, we were married. It was as simple as that. We were just trade items, I guess. Happy brides were part of a long ago history and had no place at our wedding party. I don’t think the details about base camp, etc. are necessary. And I think this could be stronger if it comes more from within the character’s experience. Here’s a rough thoughtstarter (after the suggested opening sentence above: Now that I was fifteen, I had to present myself to the clan along with girls my age and any unattached women who wanted to. I cringed to think of the way the men would bid on us as if we were trade items. After the bidding, we were married. Simple as that. Happy brides were part of a long-ago history and had no place at our wedding party.

A few of the prettier girls would bring high bids, but I knew I wouldn’t be one of those. I was so tall I towered over all of the girls and most of the boys. My parents also cautioned me that no one appreciated my smart mouth. There was another thing that went against me. A boy had once thrown me to the ground, and I did the same to him, causing him to walk with a limp from then on. My parents were really angry about that. They told me I had ruined my chances with a potential husband -- and that my odds weren’t great to begin with.

The day had finally come, and I was fixing my best friend Becca’s hair and helping her with the carved-bone buttons on the back of her dress.

“You’re beautiful, Becca.”

She turned and held my hands.

“Aren’t you excited? Carson will pick you, I know he will,” she said. “And Michael will pick me, and we’ll live next to each other and be great friends.”

That kind of talk was why I worried about Becca. I was sure that none of what she hoped for was going to happen. I bit my lip and turned her around, fiddling with her hair. “That would be nice. I hope you’re right.” Cut to make room for addition above.

Below, just for the fun of it, is an alternative put together using original narrative and the thoughtstarters above. What do you think?

A few goats or chickens, more or less, would decide who in my clan I would have to marry after today’s wedding party. Now that I was fifteen, I had to present myself to the clan along with girls my age and any unattached women who wanted to. I cringed to think of the way the men would bid on us as if we were trade items. After the bidding, we were married. Simple as that. Happy brides were part of a long-ago history and had no place in our village.

A few of the prettier girls would bring high bids, but I knew I wouldn’t be one of those. I was so tall I towered over all of the girls and most of the boys. My parents also cautioned me that no one appreciated my smart mouth. There was another thing that went against me. A boy had once thrown me to the ground, and I did the same to him, causing him to walk with a limp from then on. My parents were really angry about that. They told me I had ruined my chances with a potential husband -- and that my odds weren’t great to begin with.

And that suited me just fine because I hadn’t been able to think of a way to get out of it.

The day had finally come, and I was in our hut fixing my best friend Becca’s hair and helping her with the carved-bone buttons on the back of her dress.

“You’re beautiful, Becca.”

She turned and held my hands.

“Aren’t you excited? Carson will pick you, I know he will,” she said. “And Michael will (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Steve: would you turn the first page?

Did you visit my Kickstarter page? Two fun new games? Please do. It's here. Just 25 days to go.

Submissions needed: There are only a couple of submissions left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Steve sends the first chapter of Cold Water Creek. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

Doctor Artemis Rite hovered over skeletal remains spread across a stainless steel examination table as if perusing through a jewelry store countertop looking at engagement rings.

“So that’s it?” Carter Blaine said. He stood at the doctor’s right shoulder gazing down at the brown mass of sticks. Rite had placed the fragments carefully in their respective places simulating a human skeleton. It was the best he could do considering the incomplete remains that were found in the sunken van.

“Not much to go on,” Rite mumbled.

The forensic dive team had collected twelve human bones, a skull and a slime covered high school class ring.

“That’s about it,” Rite said through a sigh as he clinched his Meerschaum pipe between his teeth.

“Can we do anything with what we got?”

“DNA could match something but it is a slim chance.”

“What do we know?”

“Young, female, dead.” Doctor Rite expressed through his bizarre sense of humor.

“I think the State’s Attorney will want a little more detail than that.”

“Not much more to talk about until the Feds come back with information on the vehicle.”

Nope

For me, there just weren’t any compelling story questions related to either of the two characters introduced here. It sounds like a routine medical examination. Since I know nothing of the dead girl, there’s no particular interest there, either.

I looked ahead in the chapter, and sure enough something did happen to the protagonist, Carter, that would have gotten me to turn the page. Here, with a little editing, is an alternative opening. What’s your vote?

Carter joined the line for the bank teller. It was nearly noon and his stomach grumbled; Jenna hadn’t felt like making breakfast. Her parting words were, “Grab something from McDonald’s and don’t get yourself killed before you come home.” All he wanted was some cash and to get through the day, get back home, have a couple of beers, and watch the game.

He scanned across the front of the bank as a cop would and noticed a squirmy little guy wearing a Red Sox ball cap charge through the front doors.

“Sonovabitch,” Carter mumbled as he felt a spasm in his stomach. Not from a lack of food or the fact the runt wore a Red Sox cap in south Florida; it was that feeling as if the air was being sucked out of the room just before something bad was about to happen. Squirmy headed directly toward the teller counter. Carter reached inside his jacket and placed his hand on his service revolver.

Squirmy flung his cap to the floor and pulled a stocking over his head. Carter released the grip on his weapon as Squirmy presented a cheap 38-caliber handgun from beneath his baggy Black Sabbath T-shirt. A confrontation now would only ensure someone getting hurt, or a hostage, or possibly something worse.  

"Everybody freeze. On the ground. NOW!" Squirmy waved his gun in the air. Everyone dropped (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.”   Susan

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Here's some fun to be had

27 days and counting

Check out our Kickstarter project for people who like to play:

• Scrabble
• Card games
• Dominoes

Please support us by

• Visiting the Kickstarter page soon--we only have until July 14th to reach our goal.
• Passing the link on to anyone who might be interested.

Check out the video below.

Give our Kickstarter a kick

28 days and counting

• ZiZiT--think Scrabble on steroids
• Dotts--mini-cards for dominoes & card games

Two new family games for people who like to play:

• Scrabble
• Card games
• Dominoes

Please support us by

• Visiting the Kickstarter page soon--we only have until July 14th to reach our goal.
• Passing the link on to anyone who might be interested.

Check out the video below.

Please check out our Kickstarter games project

29 days and counting

My wife Sarah and I have a Kickstarter project for two new games for people who like to play:

• Scrabble
• Card games
• Dominoes

Please support us by

• Visiting our Kickstarter page soon--we only have 29 days from today to reach our funding goal.
• Passing the link on to anyone who might be interested.

And check out the video below.

Flogometer for Lorry: would you turn the first page?

Submissions needed: There are only a couple of submissions left in the pillory. If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Lorry sends the first chapter of a short story, The Joy of Spring. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

The Boss is a big man, at least six-foot -three, with unruly gray hair, a bumpy face landscaped in red and purple, and eyes the color of late August dirt.

“Wiley!” he barks all day. “Wiley, where is that order for Chipman’s? They’re picking up at four!”

It doesn’t matter what he’s asking you, or telling you. The Boss always sounds impatient, a bit angry.

“Wiley!” You jump. “Have you had lunch yet? Let’s get a burrito over at Jose’s! Hungry?” he demands. “Let’s go!”

“Wiley! You’re late! Nice of you to join us!”

“Wiley! You’re early! Early birds get the worm!”

There is no difference between The Boss being angry and The Boss attempting to be kind. His voice always startles and jolts, and even when he’s asking you to join him for a beer at five, it sounds like an order that your gut tells you at first to protest. Nobody likes being told what to do, all the time. He has a way of always sounding like a boss. The Boss.

Why can’t he just tone it down a little? Why does he have to sound like he’s always at the edge of something? Or that he always knows more than you do?

Nope

I do like the voice, but for me no “what happens next?” questions come up. The narrative being in second person might bother some, but it was okay with me, and seemed to work for a short story. The "rules" are different in some ways for a short story, but, on the other hand, I'd like some scene-setting to give me a context for this little rant. Mostly, though, I think this needs something happening to the character.

The writing is pretty clean and I have no notes to speak of—there’s maybe a comma or two I’d quibble about. But I do wonder about just how effective the description “eyes the color of late August dirt” is. If you’re in Oklahoma, that could be orangy-red, or in Illinois dark brown, or in eastern Oregon a dry gray.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Please support our Kickstarter family game project

30 days and counting

Don't miss the video at the bottom of this post.

I'm incredibly excited to annnounce the launch of a Kickstarter project by my wife Sarah and me to produce two new games for people who play:

• Scrabble
• Card games
• Dominoes

If that's you or you're the parent/uncle/aunt/grandparent/teacher/friend of kids ages 7+ and 10+, these fresh new tabletop family games could be for you.

I'm the inventor, and I promise you there's fun to be had. Seriously. You'll see in the video.

Please support us by

• Visiting our Kickstarter page soon--we only have until July 14 to reach our goal.
• Passing the link on to anyone who might be interested.

Here's the video--a couple of minutes of fun.