Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Dai: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Dai sends the first chapter of Goblin Realm. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

Chapter 00 — Eyeballs

Day eight, they thought it was.

"Those are women, alright!"

"You hope."

But didn't they all hope that?

A bit closer, and…

"Girl Scouts, for crying out loud. Girl Scouts!"

Chapter 01 — Indoctrination

Day six of their abduction. They scribed the days with pencil on the jeep's fender, the point merely skidding on the ship's walls. Half asleep in the unchanging environment, they were roused by the screen coming back into action, a camera swooping down toward a small group standing in a sparsely-treed savannah—women, voluptuous and scantily clad.

The view altered to show the horizon as the women looked over their shoulders. On the peak of a low hill some hundreds of yards away, figures appeared—scrambling down the slope, leaping and capering, waving… could it be weapons? The women began to run, the spindly figures to pursue—gaining rapidly as the women became frantic.

The camera pulled back to reveal three new figures in the foreground—men wearing greenish clothes and helmets, carrying weapons with which they opened fire, gouts of flame blasting from the muzzles. The pursuing figures began to fall but many came on, approaching (snip)

Yes, but . . .

Okay, I wanted to know what was going on, and the voice and writing are strong, so I turned the page. But with the thought that it had better get to a person soon. For me, the opening six lines of unattributed dialogue were both a loss and then, after the second “chapter” opens two days earlier (I think) than the first one, I just found it confusing.

I also felt the scene-setting came up short. Too little was sketched in for me to visualize or understand where whoever it is is. How many are there? Are they in a hold? Is the ship moving? What screen? These are not story questions, they’re just points of information that, if filled in briefly, could give context and a human connection with the captives. The first 6-7 lines consumed by the incomprehensible dialogue could be used to better draw me into the scene and the story and someone.

What do you think?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Christopher: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Christopher sends the first chapter of Bug Man. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

I stood in the dirt behind the house twenty feet from the dry black carbon skeleton of the tractor shed and felt sick. I looked up at the gingerbread house of horrors and attributed my clammy skin and weak knees to the aftereffects of the black widow venom that had recently coursed through my veins. The doctors had said I would probably have “flashbacks”—muscle seizures, joint pain, sweating, nausea—at unpredictable times for years to come.

Great. As though it wasn’t bad enough to nearly die from multiple black widow bites, I could also look forward to periodic reminders of the event.

I wiped my coat sleeve across my forehead and looked up at the low blanket of angry gray clouds. How could I be sweating like this? With the ten to fifteen mile per hour wind chill it had to be fifty degrees out. Hopefully it wouldn’t start raining. I wanted to see this through. From out here, though.

Where the hell were those exterminators, anyway? I looked at my watch again. I told them I’d be here exactly at four, which was as early as they would commit to. I got here at a quarter till, and it was now twenty after. And they called themselves professionals.

I stared at the house, an attractive restored Victorian, sitting in plain view of the street on this otherwise empty two acres of plowed dirt. I listened to the traffic humming by on Fremont (snip)

Nope

While the writing is good, for me there aren’t much in the way story questions raised, and there were chunks of narrative that just didn’t contribute to story. In other words, lots of throat-clearing. There’s interesting stuff later on—there are at least 20,000 black widow spiders swarming in the house plus two bodies, and there’s a police investigation going on. Here’s a paragraph that I wish had been on the first page:

More than anything else, I had to see if Spencer Waterman had somehow survived the tractor shed fire and the bullet I’d put in his stomach and was in the house. I wasn’t convinced that the body incinerated in the shed fire was his. It might have been, most likely was, but I had to be sure.

Some notes on the first page:

I stood in the dirt behind the house twenty feet from the dry black carbon skeleton of the tractor shed and felt sick. I looked up at the gingerbread house of horrors and attributed my clammy skin and weak knees to the aftereffects of the black widow venom that had recently coursed through my veins. The doctors had said I would probably have “flashbacks”—muscle seizures, joint pain, sweating, nausea—at unpredictable times for years to come. Why did he feel sick? As it turns out, he was almost killed in that shed, and that may be it. I think a hint of that here could help.

Great. As though it wasn’t bad enough to nearly die from multiple black widow bites, I could also look forward to periodic reminders of the event. This is good if it sets up a problem caused by such a flashback later in the story. If no flashback happens, then this should go, IMO.

I wiped my coat sleeve across my forehead and looked up at the low blanket of angry gray clouds. How could I be sweating like this? With the ten to fifteen mile per hour wind chill it had to be fifty degrees out. Hopefully it wouldn’t start raining. I wanted to see this through. From out here, though. This really has nothing to contribute to the story, and sure doesn’t arouse story questions.

Where the hell were those exterminators, anyway? I looked at my watch again. I told them I’d be here exactly at four, which was as early as they would commit to. I got here at a quarter till, and it was now twenty after. And they called themselves professionals. Same here. The lateness of the exterminators doesn’t have anything to do with what follows. Zero contribution to story. So why is it here?

I stared at the house, an attractive restored Victorian, sitting in plain view of the street on this otherwise empty two acres of plowed dirt. I listened to the traffic humming by on Fremont (snip) This kind of deep detail just isn’t necessary or even helpful on the first page (or on others, for that matter). This is the time to engage the reader in the character and the story, and the fact that the ground around the house is plowed doesn’t do either of those things.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

A little writing advice

I came across a fine collection of writerly quotes on Huffington Post. Here are the two I liked best, but it’s worth your while to visit and read the rest.

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

– Mark Twain

“Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.”

– Neil Gaiman

For what it's worth,

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.”   Susan

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Elizabeth: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Elizabeth sends the first chapter for Teddy Roosevelt Is Dead. Please vote—the feedback helps the writer. 

Tearing the key from the ignition, Jessie leaped from her battered green Jeep and ran to the back door of the community theatre. She hated being late for interviews and this was more important than most. Peter Friesen – historian, scholar, amateur actor, and jerk extraordinaire – was waiting for her in his dressing room. If the clock on her dashboard was right, he had been waiting for almost 20 minutes. And from what she knew about Peter, he had probably stormed out of the building, furious from her lack of respect and impossible to placate.

In the back parking lot, Jessie’s hopes grew. Peter’s silver Lexus was still parked in the VIP lot. Maybe he had been so absorbed by his rehearsal that he had forgotten to watch the clock. Maybe a fan had waylaid him after practice, and he had enjoyed regaling a beautiful young historian with little-known facts about Teddy Roosevelt. Maybe luck would work in her favor just this once.

Slowing to a walk, Jessie smoothed her stubborn red curls back into her usual braid, straightened her jacket, and pushed open the weathered back door. Maybe this would be the year the community theatre would repaint the old building. Taking a breath, she stepped into the cool, shadowy hall.

“Hello,” she called. “Anybody home?”

Jessie knew the tangle of halls, dressing rooms, and closets as well as her own bedroom, (snip)

No, but . . .

There’s a dead body waiting for us on page three—if we get there. At this point, there’s little in the way of a story question or tension. It looks like Peter is there, so that shouldn’t be a problem. The writing is is a little over-written in spots (battered green Jeep) but good—a couple of nits: the reference to “stubborn red curls” is a small break in point of view, and the style used in publishing is to spell out numbers (it should be “twenty”).

I’ve cobbled together a different page from later narrative. See if you would turn this one:

Jessie leaped from her Jeep and ran through the back door of the community theatre. She hated being late for interviews, and this was more important than most. Peter Friesen – historian, scholar, amateur actor, and jerk extraordinaire –had been waiting for almost twenty minutes.

When she entered his dressing room, a coppery smell assaulted her, accompanied by a deeper, more distressing scent she knew from her long-ago days covering the police beat. She pushed back the images that still haunted her nightmares and called, “Peter, are you here?”

Jessie stepped further into the room, and then spun away from the sight that confronted her. “Oh God, Peter,” she sighed, and knew she was too late to help.

Pulling out her cell phone, she dialed 9-1-1 and got Monica. “It’s me, Jessie, from the paper,” she said. “Send the sheriff, quick. I think Peter Friesen’s dead.”

“Where are you, Jessie?”

“I’m at the community theatre. In the back. There’s blood all over the dressing room.”

“Don’t touch anything. The sheriff will be right there.”

As if she wanted to touch anything. Just walking into the room had added to the sights that tormented her during long sleepless nights. Then the reporter in Jessie awakened. Taking shallow breaths to avoid the smell of Peter’s death, she went to work. She pulled a digital camera from her bag and began shooting.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“This book has some of the most helpful writing advice I've encountered in quite a while, illustrated by copious--and I mean copious--examples. Ray doesn't pull punches, and his illustrations have real-world wording at times, but it's truly like having an editor on your bookshelf. I definitely recommend it.”   Richard

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Rebecca: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Rebecca sends the first chapter for These Two Seas.  Please vote—the feedback helps the writer.

“As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen,” Amelia muttered, as she climbed the last steps to the top floor of St. Paul Central High School. She shifted the load of textbooks in her arms and started down the corridor. “Hail Mary, full of --”

The washroom door opened. Two young women came out: shop girls, judging by their matching sailor blouses, in night school to pick up some office skills. They stared at Amelia as they walked by. She smiled and nodded. They giggled. Fine. They could make themselves popular by crowing about the teacher who talked to herself.

Praying looked eccentric; she’d admit that. Back in her student teaching days, nothing short of divine assistance could have gotten her to stand before a room full of strangers and pretend to know what she was doing. Two years on, she no longer fought the urge to run every time she approached a classroom, but the ritual had stuck.

… now and at the hour of our death, Amen. Outside Room 305, she paused again. A middle-aged man in a gray suit stopped and made a short, stiff bow.

“May I help you?” he said.

“Would you mind getting the door?”

He grabbed the knob and stepped back. As she went in, he pulled a slip of paper from his jacket pocket and glanced at it.

Nope

Good, crisp writing, a clear voice, an immediate scene—but, for me, not much in the way of tension. There really aren’t any story questions of any significance on the first page. The man who opens the door for her doesn’t figure into the story in the first chapter. I read through it, but found mostly backstory and a portrayal of her life. Toward the end was backstory on a love affair, but that didn’t lead to anything happening to Amelia in this chapter that made her do anything other than go to bed that evening. I think this is well-written throat-clearing, and you need to start later, at the point where the story begins. This isn’t it. On the other hand, there wasn’t really anything to pick in the writing, that’s fine.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Book cover design

In addition to editing and writing, I do book design, too, both covers and interiors. I've worked for a small publishing company for a couple of years, and the occasional independent author comes along. Here are the latest of the latter.

Hookernomics is a title suggested by an FTQ reader (whose name I've lost) is non-fiction, ebook-only cover. It's about the business of sex, and I thought the art of a red light worked pretty well for catching attention and lending subtext.

Collected Works is a private book, not available for sale, and at the far end of the spectrum from the first book. It is a book of poetry published in memory of my client's mother. I learned that she had, long ago, kept poems in what she called her "lavendar box," and that was the thought that led to this cover. It's a hard-cover book, and the cover is a "dust cover" with flaps on the inside.

It was a very short book--there weren't a lot of poems--and many of the poems were about one page long. So the interior design for Collected Works uses spreads, graphics, and white space to display her art.

Lastly, a lively, funny "food memoir" by a Jewish author. What else but Kosher Sutra would do? The art I found foreshadows the book nicely--lively, fun, and food (there are some delicious-sounding recipes in it).

Samples of other full cover designs are here.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Tweet

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Laura: would you turn the first page?

I'm off to do my Killer First Page workshop at Write on the River in Wenatchee this weekend. It should be an interesting session--34 people submitted first pages. Even though the workshop is a little over 2 hours long, we'll have to go through them at a rate of about every 4 minutes. It'll be a true immersion. I'm looking forward to it.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Laura sends the first chapter for Yellow Bike, a YA romance.  

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love- Rex, her husband of twenty years- so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 cents. “He was… something else.”

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

Nope

I like the writing and the voice, and that we’re starting with a real scene. The banter is well done. The only things missing from the story list above are story questions and tension. Oh, there’s the question of whether or not she will eventually succeed in romance, but that’s hardly compelling at this point. The dialogue delivers backstory in a fun way, but it’s still backstory, and thus set-up.

In the chapter, a handsome couple of guys her age come in and she waits on them. One is drop-dead handsome. The twist at the very end of the chapter that would have gotten me to keep turning the page is that she discovers that he is deaf. That promises complications and a social issue to deal with. If there was a way to get that on the first page, it would be a strong opening. We would all be wondering how she was going to handle that, a good story question.

I will admit that I’m not the target reader, and this opening might engage a female YA audience just fine—but getting tension and a story question on the page would be so much stronger. Brief technical notes:

“I just don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o Jell-O with the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday. What is she pouring the Jell-O into? It turns out into serving glasses on a tray. Give us the whole picture.

I smile and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee. Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start on my next silverware roll. The last sentence really doesn’t contribute. Save it for tension. Also, I wasn’t sure what a “roll of silverware” was, but I did get “silverware roll” as silverware rolled up in a napkin. This detail could be clearer.

“Plus, he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”

“Exactly! Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”

“What was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love--Rex, her husband of twenty years--so now she and Fannie are determined to find mine.

“He was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he was thirty. He tipped 78 seventy-eight cents. “He was… something else.” The style publishers use is “Chicago,” in which numbers under 100 are generally spelled out. While this dialogue does go to character—her taste in boys—it’s about someone who isn’t in the story. Why not make it someone who is?

The concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned out to (snip)

I’d give up the fun details and description to get a serious story question on the page.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Shannon: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Shannon sends the first chapter for The League, a fantasy.  

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ hair waived around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up her impassible threat.

Yes

I liked the voice and a conflict has been set up, plus a little mystery as to who the man is. I could do with a little less of the descriptive stuff on the first page, though, and there were some errors. Notes:

The sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of his face. Where the hell did he come from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better attention. Anna licked her lips and side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away. While I don’t mind starting the occasional sentence with “but” or “and,” it needs to tie into the previous sentence, and I don’t see the relationship here. Also, "hulk" is a bit non-specific. I didn't picture a person at first, I thought it was some kind of object.

Acorns dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’ stranger’s hair waived waved around like those sea anemones in her father’s musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes. “Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up size up her impassible threat. The first sentence in this paragraph is long enough and  unrelated enough to the action to stop the momentum for me. You’ve initiated a conflict, get on with it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.”   Anderson

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Covers make a difference--a big difference

Self-published novelist R.L. Mathewson initially published Playing for Keeps on Smashwords with a plain blue and white cover, but saw a significant sales spike in the iBookstore once she added a steamy Shutterstock photo to her cover

 

 

 

Smashwords founder Mark Coker had this to say:

“The new covers caught the readers eye and it helped clear up any confusion they may have had about the books. The new cover along with the price helped the books sell. I would say that you should avoid covers that cause confusion, are horrible to look at, too plain, or too over the top. You don’t need to spend a lot of money to get a good cover, but you do need something that can help draw attention to your book and intrigue someone to take a chance on your work.”

For what it's worth.

Ray

Tweet

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Joylene: would you turn the first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Joylene sends the first chapter for Kiss of the Assassin.

A Collective Farm outside of Moscow 1956

Mama shouted.

Marina slipped past her and scrambled over the hearth. Papa couldn't protect her when Mother shouted like that; he couldn't protect himself. Safety waited under the table. Careful not to disturb Papa’s icon of Christ, she lifted the faded linen tablecloth and scuttled underneath. The dirty floor was rough, but she was practiced at scooting back against the wall without getting a sliver.

Mama shouted again, "Vam idiot dyrak!”

“I’m not an idiot,” Papa said. "I won't do it."

"No, Papa," Marina whispered. He shouldn't argue when Mama shouts. He shouldn't make her angrier. She hurt him the last time. She sliced him.

Marina hated the memory. The village healer had to bandage Papa's arm. It was the first time Marina ever felt shame for her Papa. She overheard the healer scold him, calling him a weakling to let his wife rule him. The healer said the neighbors laughed at Papa because he wasn't a man.

Marina hated the village healer now. She didn't want her back here. Papa, don't make Mama angry.

Red-hot coals sizzled in the fireplace, but a cold wind penetrated the wall behind her. She stuffed the hem of her dress in her mouth to keep her teeth from chattering.

“Vam idiot dyrak! You've humiliated me again," Mama yelled. "You're nobody. You're the low nothing of a man."

Yes

This opens with a strong scene—plenty of conflict. Plus a likeable character, a child in the midst of a family story with the promise of deadly violence ahead. I could have done without the brief flashback, but it was brief and didn’t slow the pace enough to matter—and it did deliver some good background. The voice is strong, the writing clean. I liked it. Very brief notes:

A Collective Farm outside of Moscow 1956

Mama shouted.

Marina slipped past her and scrambled over the hearth. Papa couldn't protect her when Mother shouted like that; he couldn't protect himself. Safety waited under the table. Careful not to disturb Papa’s icon of Christ, she lifted the faded linen tablecloth and scuttled underneath. The dirty floor was rough, but she was practiced at scooting back against the wall without getting a sliver.  A clarity issue—where was the icon? She is lifting a tablecloth, the edge of which hangs down. Is the icon on the table? Seems like an icon would be on a wall, or at least not in a place where meals, cooking, etc. would happen.

Mama shouted again, "Vam idiot dyrak!”

“I’m not an idiot,” Papa said. "I won't do it."

"No, Papa," Marina whispered. He shouldn't argue when Mama shouts shouted. He shouldn't make her angrier. She hurt him the last time. She sliced him.

Marina hated the memory. The village healer had to bandage Papa's arm. It was the first time Marina ever felt shame for her Papa. She overheard the healer scold him, calling him a weakling to let his wife rule him. The healer said the neighbors laughed at Papa because he wasn't a man. Cutting the reference to memory helps me with the flashback. It’s briefer, and doesn’t feel so much like a look backward.

Marina hated the village healer now. She didn't want her back here. Papa, don't make Mama angry.

Red-hot coals sizzled in the fireplace, but a cold wind penetrated the wall behind her. She stuffed the hem of her dress in her mouth to keep her teeth from chattering.

“Vam idiot dyrak! You've humiliated me again," Mama yelled. "You're nobody. You're the low nothing of a man."

Nice work.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“There are many, many books out there on how to write a novel etc. etc. etc. I am always in the book store browsing through them but somehow they are a mission to read and never quite provoke me into writing, until I found Flogging the Quill. Rhamey does not beat around the bush and gets straight to the meat of it. At the end of the day after years of procrastination I am actually writing and getting on with my dream project. I have recommended this book to my friends and they have all agreed it is a quick read but full of worthy and real world advice. Thanks for the help Ray!”   Holmes

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey