Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Natalia sends the first chapter for Rush In, a YA novel.
“Judge, get down here please. We need you,” says the teacher.
I drum my fingers on my thigh. I’m not known for joining in, but I'll do this, for Carrie. And this will cheer up Mum no end. I amble through the auditorium, script in hand.
Carrie's eyes are evasive; her body language signals she wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real. Hell, she’s extremely cute. Her taste in some things, like boyfriends, is questionable, but Jason’s been sin binned off stage for crimes against English Lit class and I’m the leading man now. If I really were Darcy I’d want this Elizabeth.
“My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you,” I say. I would not have put it that way in private, but that sentiment and the way I feel about her are in the same ball-park. It makes Carrie blush. She's either a brilliant actor, or I am, or something else is going on. There is nothing but the two of us.
It’s over. The teacher comes to her senses first by immaturely jumping up and down. “That's what I'm talking about—” Our classmates go mad, stomping, cheering, drowning her out. Score. Judge 1 – Jason 0.
Carrie’s still glowing. Taking her hand, I fleetingly press her slim fingers, arguably still in character. She snatches away a moment too late, though her puzzled eyes betray her staying locked on mine. I think we have lift-off.
Yep.
The voice is charming, the writing good, and I wanted to see what happens for Judge. One caution: using “Judge” for a first name is problematic if it’s not clear. When I first read this dialog I thought an actual judge was being spoken to. It’s certainly possible for a judge to do something in a classroom. Maybe have the character open with something like this: The teacher calls my name. “Judge, get down here, please. We need you.” With something like that it’s perfectly clear yet only takes two more words. All in all, nice work. Notes:
“Judge, get down here please. We need you,” says the teacher. As noted, make the name clear.
I drum my fingers on my thigh. I’m not known for joining in, but I'll do this for Carrie. And this it will cheer up Mum no end. I amble through the auditorium, script in hand. Change made to avoid echo of “this”
Carrie's eyes are evasive; her body language signals she wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real. Hell, she’s extremely cute. Her taste in some things, like boyfriends, is questionable, but Jason’s been sin-binned off stage for crimes against English Lit class and I’m the leading man now. If I really were Darcy, I’d want this Elizabeth. I think it would be better if you show the body language. For example: ... Carrie’s eyes are evasive; she looks stiff as she turns away from me. She wants no kind of intimacy, scripted or real.
On the stage, I say, “My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” I say. I would not have put it that way in private, but that sentiment and the way I feel about her are in the same ballpark ball-park. It makes Carrie blush. She's either a brilliant actor, or I am, or something else is going on. There is nothing but the two of us. I added a little “staging” to help the reader see the flow of action. How about a little more of Carrie? Does she gaze into his eyes or look at him in any way, perhaps surprised? I found the “two of us” sentence a little hard to easily parse. Thoughtstarter: If feels as if there is only the two of us.
It’s over. The teacher comes to her senses first by immaturely jumping up and down. “That's what I'm talking about—” Our classmates go mad, stomping, cheering, drowning her out. Score. Judge 1 – Jason 0.
Carrie’s still glowing. Taking her hand, I fleetingly press her slim fingers, arguably still in character. She snatches away a moment too late, though her puzzled eyes betray her staying when they stay locked on mine. I think we have lift-off.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF
I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined. Writing Mom
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey