Flogging the Quill

Flogometer: would you turn Brian’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Brian sends the first chapter of Five.

The high pitch shriek tore through the air, grabbing the attention of every unsuspecting parent. Frantic eyes darted in all directions, trying to find the owner of the scream. Thoughts from helpless parents loomed in the air. Is it my child? Where is my child? An explosion of laughter erupted from the center of the playground; the familiar sound of little giddy voices and small, swift feet filled the air, allowing the tension to dissipate. Time was moving once again. Smiles reappeared and light conversation filled the air once again, as potential heart-attack victims settled their anxieties.

A mother was seen reprimanding her daughter. “Don’t do that again, Megan that was very inappropriate and rude young Lady! Plus you scared many parents half-to-death”.

The shadowy figure observed his targets from the scope of his modified, suppressed FAMAS Assault Rifle. The six foot two male hid amongst the trees, which formed a radial perimeter the length of a football field around the playground in every direction. He pulled away from his weapon, closed his eyes, and sighed. The breeze swept across the leaves and his face as he sat about 20 feet above the ground. It was the first time he ever hesitated on a job.

I’ve never failed a mission. This isn’t a mission- it’s mass murder.

He looked at his watch. It chirped. He spat. “Dammit!” He peered through the ACOG. The cross-hairs moved from child to child like the planchette on an Ouija board. Again, he took (snip)

Almost

Here’s where writing craft makes a difference—as one literary agent has pointed out, good writing isn’t enough, but it is required. The story questions raised on this page are very strong, but writing issues forecast narrative troubles ahead.

The point of view is uncertain, and switches from omniscient to close third person—will it switch around again? Why not start in the character’s point of view? He can see and hear everything that’s going on. Definitely a grabber of a scene, but it needs stronger writing to bring it off, IMO. Notes:

The high pitch A high-pitched shriek tore through the air, grabbing the attention of every unsuspecting parent. Frantic eyes darted in all directions, trying to find the owner of the scream. Thoughts from helpless parents loomed in the air. Is it my child? Where is my child? An explosion of laughter erupted from the center of the playground; the familiar sound of little giddy voices and small, swift feet filled the air, allowing the tension to dissipate. Time was moving once again. Smiles reappeared and light conversation filled the air once again, as potential heart-attack victims settled their anxieties. The idea of thoughts looming in the air took me out of the scene, somehow. So did the line about potential heart-attack victims—just let the action play here, it will build tension enough soon.

A mother was seen reprimanding reprimanded her daughter. “Don’t do that again, Megan, that was very inappropriate and rude, young lady Lady! Plus you You scared many parents people half-to-death”. For me, the dialogue didn’t feel “real.”And then I decided that this paragraph wasn’t really needed as it didn’t move the story along.

The shadowy figure observed his targets from the scope of his modified, suppressed FAMAS Assault Rifle. The six foot two male He hid amongst the trees, which formed a radial perimeter the length of a football field around the playground in every direction. He pulled away from his weapon, closed his eyes, and sighed. The breeze swept across the leaves and his face as he sat about 20 twenty feet above the ground. It was the first time he had ever hesitated on a job. So here we switch from seeing a shadowy figure from a distance to inside the mind of a six-foot-two male. Didn’t work for me. I thought the info about a “radial perimeter” was a bit too technical to easily understand, and the first page is no place to make the reader figure things out.

I’ve never failed a mission. This isn’t a mission--it’s mass murder. The line about mass murder in conjunction with the weapon and the playground scene sure does raise story questions and raises the stakes.

He looked at his watch. It chirped. He spat. “Dammit!” He peered through the ACOG. The cross-hairs moved from child to child like the planchette on an Ouija board. Again, he took (snip) The acronym for the scope may be accurate, but it’s a meaningless detail. It could be defined in context, eg. The crosshairs in the (what ACOG stands for here) moved from etc.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer: would you turn William’s first page?

 and forgot to do Wednesday’s flogging. Here ‘tis.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

William sends the first chapter of Illuminations.

The tolling bell found Gru’ud deep in his dreams; the two peals that followed popping open each eye. Warm orange light filled the bunkhouse; its diffused illumination giving no hint of the time of day. He was either late for his shift, or had slept straight through it.

Gru’ud spun from his hammock with a curse, recalling too late that his station on this ship was much lower than aboard the ‘Sky. He thudded heavily onto the deck; cursing again; glad no one had witnessed his foolishness. Rolling to his feet, he scanned for any souls still on the ship. Finding none, he cursed for a third time, angry that he’d been left to sleep through the docking, and the unlooked for liberty that must have been called.

Fardock was well off the main shipping lines, making Gru’ud wonder why they were stopping here at all. But it seemed the ship had left Halfway in such a rush, they’d not drawn enough fresh water to reach any other port. So the Steersman had called for a ‘halfday at Fardock, long enough to fill the tanks, and not a moment longer.’ He’d said nothing about any shore leave.

Gru’ud had tried his best to be ambivalent about this berthing. His feet had not touched these shores for close to twenty years, and he wasn’t sure if they needed to now. When he’d left he’d been taken to the farthest end of the Golden Isles, to Solace itself, and he’d stayed there; until he’d been Bound to the Azure Sky as a novice seaman.

Nope

Basically, it’s a lack of tension that stopped me. What happens here? A guy wakes up, and then we slip into backstory that doesn’t give us story. There are things later in the chapter that were more interesting—he is a monk, it turns out, and he is attacked on shore and then jailed, so he misses his ship’s departure. But even then the consequences or stakes for that were not in the first chapter. Notes:

The tolling bell found Gru’ud deep in his dreams; the two peals that followed popping open each eye. Warm orange light filled the bunkhouse; its diffused illumination giving no hint of the time of day. He was either late for his shift, or had slept straight through it. The first sentence delivers the first of some craft issues—first a bell finds the man (not its sound), and the second half I’m still not sure I understand. Did the peals follow each eye opening, or did they each open an eye. “Bunkhouse” is misleading because we’re on a ship, and a bunkhouse is defined as a building—and he’s in a hammock, not a bunk. If this is crews’ quarters, why not say so?

Gru’ud spun from his hammock with a curse, recalling too late that his station on this ship was much lower than aboard the ‘Sky. He thudded heavily onto the deck; cursing again; glad no one had witnessed his foolishness. Rolling to his feet, he scanned for any souls still on the ship. Finding none, he cursed for a third time, angry that he’d been left to sleep through the docking, and the unlooked-for liberty that must have been called. Why would you spin from a hammock, a shaky thing to begin with, instead of stepping or swinging or slipping? The backstory of his previous station doesn’t seem to me to be necessary to the story at this point, so why include it? When I read that he thudded on the deck, I interpreted that as with his feet. But then it turns out he fell. That needs to be clearer.

Fardock was well off the main shipping lines, making Gru’ud wonder why they were stopping here at all. But it seemed the ship had left Halfway in such a rush, they’d not drawn enough fresh water to reach any other port. So the Steersman had called for a ‘halfday at Fardock, long enough to fill the tanks, and not a moment longer.’ He’d said nothing about any shore leave. Is it important at this point why they stopped? It isn’t to what’s in the rest of the chapter, so why include it here where you need to be hooking me into a story of something happening to this man, something that isn’t good for him?

Gru’ud had tried his best to be ambivalent about this berthing. His feet had not touched these shores for close to twenty years, and he wasn’t sure if they needed to now. When he’d left he’d been taken to the farthest end of the Golden Isles, to Solace itself, and he’d stayed there; until he’d been Bound to the Azure Sky as a novice seaman. Backstory. I want something to happen other than this man thinking about stuff.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.”   Susan

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Too much

I’m completing an edit in which the writer did a couple of things that reduced the effectiveness of the narrative—a case of “too much.” Let me add that it’s a fascinating story with plenty of good writing.

The first too much is an overuse of adjectives. One character is a very large man, and every time we are shown him using a hand it is always a “massive hand.” And he is always—always—referred to as the “massive man.”

A woman has very black hair, and she is described as “raven-haired woman.” Again and again. And again.

A young wizard is referred to over and over and over as “the young wizard.”

A younger brother is repeatedly identified as “precious brother.”

Coupled with that “too much” is a second one: using those descriptions repeatedly instead of the character’s name or a suitable pronoun. Over and over.

I once fell prey to spraying different labels for a character in my first novel, thinking that the reader would get tired of seeing the same name over and over. Not so. Pick a name and use it consistently (along with pronouns). It eventually becomes “invisible” like the word “said” can and slips the character into the reader’s mind easily. Constantly switching names forces the reader to adjust over and over, and that pulls her out of the story, even if ever so little.

The problems with the constant repetition of descriptive identifications such as these include:

1. Slowing the pace. It’s a lot easier to read “his hand” instead of “his massive hand,” especially when you got it the first time the hands were described that way. No need to tell me again, I already know this. In fact, it can become irritating.
2. Break in point of view. When you’re in a close third person point of view and the character is dealing with the young wizard again and again, the character would naturally think of the wizard with either his name or a pronoun—in your thoughts, you never describe another person over and over. This is the author intruding on the character’s experience and narrative.
3. Confusion/lack of clarity. Sometimes sticking a distant authorial description into the midst of close third person action caused me to be unsure if the descriptive phrase referred to the person being dealt with or perhaps another one.

Let me add that I think there is one exception to the “one name” guideline above. In one of my novels, when in the point of view of the character he is referred to by his first name in narrative description: Jake. That’s how he would think of himself.

For other point-of-view characters who are either antagonists or protagonists who are just meeting him and not close, I used his last name in narrative description: Black. It seemed to fit with the points of view that they would naturally think of him by his last name. I was consistent in this inconsistency, and it seemed to work because it helped to distance the characters from each other, which was what I wanted.

Ray

Tweet

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Flogometer: would you turn Meredith’s first page? Plus Flog a Pro

Tuesday I did a Flog a Pro post on Writer Unboxed—it’s for Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code. Stop in and give a vote.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Meredith sends the first chapter of Storm on the Horizon, a paranormal romance.

Guilt poured from Trina’s eyes, along with her tears. She had paused, her hand on the railing, and was looking back at Tatiana.

“Where are you going? Shouldn’t be in your room getting dressed for the ball?” Tatiana asked in surprise.

“I’m going… I’m going downstairs. Or… out. Yes, out. I’ll be back.”

Trina was too far away for Tatiana to stop her flight. Tatiana hesitated, and then held out her hand, using her magic to put an invisible wall between Trina and her escape route.

“No, you are not going anywhere.”

“Let me go, Tatiana. I have to get out of here. I can’t do this. You know I can’t.”

Tatiana caught up to her twin. Smoothing the tension from her thin face with her thumb, while pushing through as much love and confidence as she could. “You can and you will.”  

She took Trina’s overly warm hand and gently led her back to her room. Oh, how she hated being the enforcer here! But she had no choice. “I told you, I will be with you at both your presentation to the queen and at the ball afterward. You won’t be alone. I promise.”

Trina continued to look miserable – her brown eyes dull with reluctance and dismay. It was all Tatiana could do to keep herself from folding her sister into her arms. She wanted to do so badly, but she knew that if she did, Trina would start to cry. Then her eyes would turn red and (snip)

Not this time

This narrative has some nice elements and an interesting world, it sounds like, but for this reader no story questions compelling enough to move me on were there. I think the scene could be better set—where is this railing? It turns out that the sisters are dressed for a fancy ball, but you don’t know that from what you read here. And there were some correctable craft issues. Notes:

Guilt poured from Trina’s eyes, along with her tears. She had paused, her hand on the railing, and was looking back at Tatiana. This opening seems to be in Trina’s point of view—the guilt from her eyes part—and yet the pov switches to Tatiana’s. As mentioned, a little scene-setting to help give us context would be good.

“Where are you going? Shouldn’t you be in your room getting dressed for the ball?” Tatiana asked in surprise. She says she should be getting dressed, but it turns out on the next page that she’s already wearing a fancy ball gown. Using “in surprise” is explaining the dialogue. Use body language or expression or internal monologue to show us what the feelings are—if needed. I’m not sure surprise adds to the story here.

“I’m going… I’m going downstairs. Or… out. Yes, out. I’ll be back.”

Trina was too far away for Tatiana to stop her flight. Tatiana hesitated, and then held out her hand, using her magic to put an invisible wall between Trina and her escape route. Logic flaw here—she’s too far away to stop her flight, but she stops her flight with a magical wall. The hesitation is an unnecessary detail. I thought “using her magic” felt a little flat-footed—could you describe how it happens or something? A force or warmth or something that comes from within her and does something? There wasn’t anything, well, magical about it.

“No, you are not going anywhere.”

“Let me go, Tatiana. I have to get out of here. I can’t do this. You know I can’t.”

Tatiana caught up to her twin. Smoothing the tension from her thin face with her thumb while pushing through as much love and confidence as she could, she said, “You can and you will.”   The second piece in this paragraph is a sentence fragment that doesn’t work on its own for me.

She took Trina’s overly warm hand and gently led her back to her room. Oh, how she hated being the enforcer here! But she had no choice. “I told you, I will be with you at both your presentation to the queen and at the ball afterward. You won’t be alone. I promise.” I didn’t feel that the adverbs were adequate description or needed, and the warmth of her hand doesn’t seem like a relevant detail with nothing in particular to cause it or to make it important to the story.

Trina continued to look miserable – her brown eyes dull with reluctance and dismay. It was all Tatiana could do to keep herself from folding her sister into her arms. She wanted to do so badly, but she knew that if she did, Trina would start to cry. Then her eyes would turn red and (snip) The punctuation in the first sentence is a little hinky, but I can live with it.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!”   imzf

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer: would you turn Karen’s first page? Plus Flog a Pro

Yesterday I did a Flog a Pro post on Writer Unboxed—it’s for Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code. Click here to stop in and give a vote.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Karen sends the first chapter of Effin’ Albert, a suspense novel.

The first time Albert had one of his episodes—the first I know of, anyway—he was about three-and-a-half years old. I must’ve been eight. Before it happened, we was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out of a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in. I never seen nothing like that before in my life. I didn’t even know worms had heads, let alone mouths. I guess they got both.

So me and Albert’s watching this crazy worm and Albert says, “Mikie, feed it.” So I pull up a piece of grass and dangle one end right over that hole, kind of like I’m fishing. We’re squatting there, me holding that grass and Albert just watching, real quiet-like. Maybe a minute goes by then here comes the worm wiggling up. So I move the tip real close to the hole and damn if that worm don’t grab that grass and pull it down. Me and Albert look at each other like, Did we just see that damn worm grab grass right out of my hand?

For a half hour maybe, we tried to get that stupid worm to do it again and then it happens. I’m holding a piece of grass real close to the hole and here it comes wiggling up so I move the tip right by its head and that worm grabs hold and pulls it down.

I say, “Holy crap! Did you see that, Albert?”

He don’t answer. I look over and he ain’t squatting no more. He’s kind of kneeling and swaying a little bit and his eyes’re wide open but he don’t see what I see, I can tell that right off.

Nope, but there’s a solution

Karen tells me she’s working on getting the voice down—the story is told from a kid’s pov even though it’s an adult novel. I thought the voice was fine, but we’re a little short on suspense.

I read on, and the lines that would get me to turn the page are on page 2. What keeps them there instead of on page 1 is all the narrative about the worms. Instead of notes, here’s what happens with a little judicious editing. Please take a look and give a vote.

The first time Albert had one of his episodes—the first I know of, anyway—he was about three-and-a-half years old. I must’ve been eight. We was squatting on the grass watching a worm poke his head out of a hole, grabbing blades of grass and pulling ‘em back in. I didn’t even know worms had heads, let alone mouths. I guess they got both.

I say, “Holy crap! Did you see that, Albert?”

He don’t answer. I look over and he ain’t squatting no more. He’s kind of kneeling and swaying a little bit and his eyes’re wide open but it’s like he’s watching something far away.

I say, “Albert. Hey. You all right?”

Nothing. He’s just staring and swaying on his knees. I pull him close and say, “Albert, hey you weenie. Wake up.”

He don’t though, and that scares me so I start jerking him back and forth and I’m saying, “Albert, wake up you hear me? Wake up right now you effin weenie, c’mon.”

Then I see the life come back in his eyes. Just that fast it’s like the kid comes out of a trance or something. He looks right at me and he says, “Timmy V.”

 “What?”

 “He’s gonna blow up them kids.”

Yes on this version for me. What did you think?

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

As an independent editor of book manuscripts, I feel compelled to say I think Ray Rhamey's "Flogging the Quill" is the best how-to book I've read about writing since I was assigned Strunk & White's "Elements of Style" in freshman journalism class 50 years ago. Especially useful for writers of fiction and memoir. I'm urging all my authors to get it.”   Frank Zoretich

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Comedy & Drama Screenwriting Contest

I received a notice of a screenwriting contest last week that looks worthwhile and want to pass it on: The Search for America’s Newest Scriptwriter Contest. The deadline is March 21, and the prize is $5000 in each of two categories:

1. Comedy: 30-minute comedic storyline

2. Drama: 1-hour dramatic storyline

A nice touch: along with the rules you get a PDF that’s a good tutorial in script formatting for film and television—the margins to use, how to include directions, all that stuff.

Actor Will Smith is part of the organization sponsoring the contest, which includes Overbrook Entertainment/Will Smith, James Lassiter, and the ANA Alliance for Family Entertainment.

Here are some quick facts about the contest: 

• It is being judged by Overbrook Entertainment, the award-winning entertainment production company co-founded by two-time Academy Award nominee Will Smith and acclaimed film producer James Lassiter
• The contest is free to enter
• Two winners will win $5,000, a meeting with Overbrook Entertainment, an opportunity to have their TV script further developed, and an 18-month option agreement on their script
• The contest submissions end on 3/21/13 by 1 p.m. PT
• The contest has two categories: a 30-minute comedy and a 1-hour drama

There’s a short video starring Will Smith that explains the contest in more detail here. I enjoyed it. There are more videos on the website, including advice for writers. 

And there’s a story about last year’s winner here.

Good luck,

Ray

Flogometer: would you turn Ellen’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Ellen sends the first chapter of The Alligator Purse.

In the café’s dimly lit bathroom, Savannah pulled the pink box out of a crumpled lunch bag. She chewed on the end of the packaging to rip through the plastic wrap. The looped letters on the label offered so much hope and promise, but she could only muster up hesitation. In her solitary world, the implications of a baby were tremendous.

Before she could bring herself to search for answers she wasn’t sure she wanted, she set down the box and checked her pockets. They were empty of money but she found one small cellophane bag with a powdery residue lining the corners. Savannah ran her spindly finger along its inside edges, then closed her eyes and licked the white film.

Letting out a heavy breath, she grabbed the pregnancy test and turned to make sure the bathroom door was locked. She lifted up the tattered edges of her skirt and squatted over the ceramic stool. With one shaky hand on the brick wall and the other holding the plastic wand, Savannah followed instructions for the first time in years. Her amber stream of urine was steady and it didn’t take long to soak the stick.

Reading the pamphlet that came with the test while she waited for an answer proved unhelpful. Savannah focused on the explanation. If two lines appear, you are pregnant. Flipping the pamphlet over, she hoped to find out more. But there was nothing in it about what to do next or how to fix her broken life. She absolutely believed that she shouldn’t bring a child into her (snip)

Not yet

There’s good writing here, but, in my view, too much of it at times as the narrative veers into overwriting. The character seems sympathetic and troubled, and that’s good. But the pace of the narrative, slowed by detail after detail, didn’t gain enough momentum to carry me forward. Getting more into the stakes she faces on the first page would help. As it is, the only story question is whether or not she is pregnant, but we don’t have an idea of what the consequences would be if she is, or if she isn’t. Notes:

In the café’s dimly lit bathroom, Savannah pulled the pink box out of a crumpled lunch bag. She chewed on the end of the packaging to rip through the plastic wrap. The looped letters on the label offered so much hope and promise, but she could only muster up hesitation. In her solitary world, the implications of a baby were tremendous. Even with the extremely detailed description—looped letters, etc.—I had no idea what this mysterious package was. I don’t see why the fact that it’s a pregnancy test was withheld. I suggest that you make this a lot quicker. For example: In the café’s dimly lit bathroom, Savanna pulled the pregnancy test out of a crumpled lunch bag and opened it. The test offered hope and promise, but she could only … etc. That’s what’s important, not the look of the logo or how she opens it.

Before she could bring herself to search for answers she wasn’t sure she wanted, she set down the box and checked her pockets. They were empty of money but she found one small cellophane bag with a powdery residue lining the corners. Savannah ran her spindly finger along its inside it edges, then closed her eyes and licked off the white film. Using “spindly” is a little step out of point of view—most folks don’t think about their body parts that way unless they are focused on them. There’s a little clarity issue about the white film—was it on her finger, or in the bag? I added “off” to try to give a better picture, hoping that the reader will think of the finger.

Letting out a heavy breath, she grabbed the pregnancy test, and turned to make sure the bathroom door was locked. She lifted up the tattered edges of her skirt, and squatted over the ceramic stool. With one shaky hand on the brick wall and the other holding the plastic wand, Savannah followed instructions for the first time in years. Her amber stream of urine was steady and it didn’t take long to soak the stick. The last sentence was more information than we need.

Reading the pamphlet that came with the test while she waited for an answer proved unhelpful. Savannah focused on the explanation. If two lines appear, you are pregnant. Flipping the pamphlet over, she hoped to find out more. But there was nothing in it about what to do next or how to fix her broken life. She absolutely believed that she shouldn’t bring a child into her (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer: would you turn Kira’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Kira sends the first chapter of Clover Raine and the Black Dragon, which looks like YA.

“Next time—” he growled, licking blood from his split lip while he knelt among the dirt and pine needles. He staggered up to his feet from the ground where my blow had deposited him.

“There won’t be a next time,” I interrupted, keeping my voice cold. “Keep your grubby paws off my sister, or we’ll have another one of these delightful chats.”

“Chloe, it’s fine,” my sister, Lily, called to me from where she sat on the park bench a few yards off. A miserable expression was glued on her face as she chipped the polish from her nails. The flecks that fell to her lap looked like hot pink, radioactive snow.

“No, it’s not,” I replied evenly, brushing back my lengthy copper curls in irritation.

Surveying the crowd of awed teens that had quickly accumulated during the brief fight, I picked out a few familiar faces. They’d gravitated from the school to the park, just minutes after the bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Apparently, they didn’t exactly see someone beating up a linebacker every day. Especially a girl.

Actually, I was surprised he had even showed up, given the broken nose that had been doled out to the last jerk who harassed Lily (in my defense, I hadn’t meant to break it, at least not on a conscious level). After the first and last time, my mom had been proud of me, but asked as sternly as she could with a straight face to not start a fight on the school grounds in the future. I’d (snip)

Almost

I liked the tough-girl character and was interested in the notion that she was tough enough to fight guys and win, but the page also foreshadowed some fixable craft issues that decided me that the story questions raised weren’t compelling enough. Good potential, though. Notes:

“Next time—” he growled, licking blood from his split lip while he knelt among the dirt and pine needles. He staggered up to his feet from the ground where my blow had deposited him. Suggest "landed" rather than "deposited" as more direct and appropriate to the action.

“There won’t be a next time.” I kept interrupted, keeping my voice cold. “Keep your grubby paws off my sister, or we’ll have another one of these delightful chats.” No need to tell us that she interrupted when it’s clearly show by, well, the interruption.

“Chloe, it’s fine,” my sister, Lily, called to me from where she sat on the park bench a few yards off. A miserable expression was glued on her face as she chipped the polish from her nails. The flecks that fell to her lap looked like hot pink, radioactive snow. The over-description of where the sister is muddies the narrative and slows the pace. Also, and this may just be a girl thing that I simply don’t get, but would she be chipping her fingernail polish at a time like this? Ladies, guide me.

“No, it’s not.” I said replied evenly, brushing back my lengthy copper curls in irritation. This sentence is an example of fixable issues. 1. No need to tell us that she “replied,” it is clearly a reply. Just use “said.” 2. The adverb doesn’t help that much. 3. The part about “lengthy copper curls” is the author poking description in and a shift out of the girl’s point of view. She would not be thinking about the color or length of her “curls” at a time like this.

Surveying the crowd of awed teens that had quickly accumulated during the brief fight, I picked out a few familiar faces. They’d gravitated from the school to the park just minutes after the bell rang, signaling signaled the end of the school day. Apparently, they didn’t exactly see someone beating up a linebacker every day. Especially a girl. I think the last sentence could be crisper, i.e. They didn't see a girl beat up a linebacker every day.

Actually, I was surprised he had even showed up, given the broken nose that had been doled out to I gave the last jerk who harassed Lily (in my defense, I hadn’t meant to break it, at least not on a conscious level). After the first and last time, mMy mom had been proud of me, but asked as sternly as she could with a straight face to not start a fight on the school grounds in the future. I’d (snip) I felt the “doled out” language wasn’t all that teen-age, and it slowed things. The other deleted part was a little difficult to parse, referred to backstory, and didn’t add anything for me.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“If you're thinking of writing a novel, put this one in your shopping cart and read it before you start. 'Flogging the Quill' is filled with advice on improving your writing and story telling, but the difference is numerous examples showing you what works and what doesn't. A bonus near the end is ten 'workouts.' These are samples of writing for you to review, critique, and edit. 'Flogging the Quill' is that rare how-to book that tells you what to do, shows you how to do it, and then gives homework to develop your writing and revising skills.”   Anderson

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Adjectivitis

I’m in the midst of editing a 150,000+ novel (have you any idea just how LONG a manuscript of almost 600 pages is?) by a writer who suffers from what I’ll call adjectivitis.

Luckily for me, the story is fresh and the characters interesting . . . but it’s gonna be a whole lot tighter when I get done. Here are some of the things I’ve encountered in the midst of a lot of good writing:

Massive

Once character is a very large man, and every time his hands are referred to they are not “his” hands, they are always “the massive hands.” Every time, which is a lot in this story.

Small

I’ve encountered “the small boy” a couple of dozen times—luckily he grew up. But once we knew he was small, there was no need to remind us over and over.

Another thing about “small” (and large): it’s a relative term. I am small compared to a professional basketball player, but I am large compared to my 2-year-old grandson. If you want the reader to see something as small or large, it’s not going to actually happen unless there is context or comparison to give it dimension.

Raven-haired

One character has black hair, but she is described at least thirty times as “raven-haired,” as in “raven-haired beauty” and “raven-haired woman.” Most of that is going to go, replaced by "she."

Beautiful

Beautiful makes its appearance more than thirty time as well, as in beautiful woman, beautiful mother, beautiful eyes, beautiful food . . . In my view, because beauty is in the eye of the  beholder (the character), just the use of the adjective doesn’t get a description very far.

I wrote about this in Flogging the Quill (the book)—author Barbara D’Amato once wrote in a post for The Outfit about what she called “conclusion” words. Beautiful is one of them. It’s not a description, it’s a conclusion. Here’s the example I give:

Allyson was beautiful.

Any picture of Allyson has to be reader-generated, and may have nothing to do with what the author intends. Beauty is subjective. You may think an anorexically thin Allyson to be beautiful while I think she should see a doctor. Steve may think that a woman with a good extra fifty pounds of love handles is beautiful while Roger thinks she should call Weight Watchers. And so on.

The difference between telling and showing usually boils down to the physical senses.

If the author wants us to think Allyson is beautiful, she needs to give us pictures that illustrate beauty, not labels.

Allyson moved with a ballerina’s grace, and her slim figure made any clothing look good. Hair the color of dark chocolate framed a face that made Johnny think of a princess in a fairy tale, and he wanted to be the one to kiss lips that smiled and pouted and invited, all at the same time.

That’s not to say that you should avoid the word beautiful. It can be quite useful in characterizing. For example, here’s a descriptive passage in which two teenage boys are going to work on a ranch for the summer and go to a small log cabin that’s to be their summer quarters.

Excitement grew in Jesse as they approached the cabin. A place all their own. No grown-ups.

Inside, they stood in a main room just big enough for a double bunk bed, a four-drawer dresser, two chairs beside a small table, and a little space left over to walk around. A battered old radio sat on the table, and an easy-going breeze wafted through the screened door and out the single side window.

A doorway into the bathroom revealed an old-fashioned tub with feet; a metal bar suspended from the ceiling encircled it with a shower curtain. Jesse stepped to the door and looked in. The toilet had a seat but no lid, the sink a medicine cabinet above it, but the mirror was cracked.

Beautiful.

So “conclusion” words can be useful when you use them to describe just that: a conclusion.

Adjectivitis ultimately has the opposite effect intended by the author—instead of enriching the narrative with visuals that bring the experience to the reader, over-use of adjectives soon becomes tiring and the eye skips over them to follow the action, and that’s not what the author wants. If you notice symptoms of adjectivitis in your writing, I advise the surgical application of your delete key.

Okay, I’ve had my rant. Back to the edit.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“This book has some of the most helpful writing advice I've encountered in quite a while, illustrated by copious--and I mean copious--examples. Ray doesn't pull punches, and his illustrations have real-world wording at times, but it's truly like having an editor on your bookshelf. I definitely recommend it.”   Richard

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer: would you turn Daniel’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Daniel sends the first chapter of The Pygmalion Hypnotist.

Darren emerged from the walk-in closet wearing his one expensive suit coat. He had bought the suit for his brief stint as an undercover operative and wore it only once. Holding up gold and red neckties, he asked, "Which one?"

Latoya suppressed a giggle as she sauntered over to him. Her near perfect figure made even her business outfits look elegant and sexy. "Neither, silly. You're not playing the role of an evil mind controller any more. You can just be yourself: a former college professor turned recording artist. And we're just having dinner with a publicist." She brushed her hands over his shoulders. "Even this jacket is too fancy for tonight."

Darren sighed. "If there's one thing I miss about being alone, it's not having to think about what clothes to wear. Even when I was teaching, a basic jacket and tie was all I ever needed."

Latoya slid her arms around his neck and pressed herself softly into his body. "You can always go back to your old life. But isn't this worth an occasional business dinner?" She kissed him affectionately, her thick sensual lips sending tingling sensations throughout his body.

Darren relaxed into the kiss, and slid his hands up her slender back. "You are," he whispered.

Latoya pulled away and patted his chest. "You can wear the jacket, but no tie." She walked back to her dresser and selected her red pearl necklace; it's color provided a subtle accent to both her outfit and her caramel-colored skin. "Ivy knows adult entertainment a lot better than I do. She'll (snip)

Nope

There are some fixable writing and craft issues, and the voice is good, but it was a lack of tension that stopped me. Despite hints of interesting past events (which are still backstory)  in the chatting, all that’s happening is a couple getting ready to go out to dinner.

Introduce Characters with Action that Matters. Daniel included a synopsis, and I learned that this story is about the protagonist’s undercover involvement with the FBI to deal with a case of childhood abduction into a pedophile porn ring and the search to identify the victim’s family and bring to justice a sadistic, evil pedophile. Now that’s a story I would be interested in. The set-up stuff in the first chapter, not so much. Try starting later in the story when things develop that reveal the bigger story and what it means to the life of the protagonist. Notes on the writing:

Darren emerged from the walk-in closet wearing his one expensive suit coat. He had bought the suit for his brief stint as an undercover operative and wore worn it only once. Holding up gold and red neckties, he asked, "Which one?" So I imagine that you, as a reader, are already pretty much on the edge of your seat with this story question, right? What do you think, the gold or the red? The point is three of the precious first-page lines are taken up with a choice of ties that matters not to the story or the character. This doesn't seem like the kind of stuff needed to hook a reader into your story.

Latoya suppressed a giggle as she sauntered over to him. Her near-perfect figure made even her business outfits look elegant and sexy. "Neither, silly. You're not playing the role of an evil mind controller any more. You can just be yourself: a former college professor turned recording artist. And we're just having dinner with a publicist." She brushed her hands over his shoulders. "Even this jacket is too fancy for tonight." The giggle suppression is a little slip of POV as we’re in Darren’s. How can he know she suppresses a giggle? He could see her stop a grin from turning into a smile if it’s important. Description of her figure as "near-perfect" isn't really necessary. Let the reader visualize a figure that they see as making a business suit sexy.

Darren sighed. "If there's one thing I miss about being alone, it's not having to think about what clothes to wear. Even when I was teaching, a basic jacket and tie was all I ever needed."

Latoya slid her arms around his neck and pressed herself softly into his body. "You can always go back to your old life. But isn't this worth an occasional business dinner?" She kissed him affectionately, her thick sensual lips sending tingling sensations throughout his body. For me, piling on heavy-handed adjectives is a turn-off, and you know my view about using adverbs for description. This action speaks for itself without larding it up with descriptives, IMO.

Darren relaxed into the kiss, and slid his hands up her slender back. "You are," he whispered.

Latoya pulled away and patted his chest. "You can wear the jacket, but no tie." She walked back to her dresser and selected her red pearl necklace; it's its color provided a subtle accent to both her outfit and her caramel-colored skin. "Ivy knows adult entertainment a lot better than I do. She'll (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

---

Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.”   HMS

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey