Flogging the Quill

Flogometer: would you turn Frankie’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometerposts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Frankie has sent a revision of the opening of Mayhem in Maui. The last version is here.

My office door was propped open. Inside, Emma and Pat were drinking what I assume was my coffee. That’s what I get for setting up an espresso machine in my office.

“Well, that’s over, finally” I said as I pulled the door shut behind me.

“Oh poor thing,” Emma pouted mockingly, “Had to go to one fancy breakfast with the high makamaka movers and shakers.” 

“Emma, you’ve never had a moment of social anxiety in your life. You have no idea. Pat knows what I’m talking about.”

“Ugh. You couldn’t pay me enough to hang out with those corporate weasels.”

“They’re not corporate weasels, Pat. They’re our Friends in the Business Community. One of whom just gave our college a huge...hey, what is that?”

“Looks like a suitcase,” Pat said.

“Isn’t it yours?” Emma asked.

“No. I’ve never seen it before.”

Pat and Emma exchanged glances.

I edged past the suitcase to get behind my desk and dialed Serena, the dean’s secretary. No answer.

“Who else has a key to your office?” Pat asked.

Nope

The writing is still fine, the voice is good, but the story question raised here—where did the suitcase come from—was not compelling for this reader. If, for example, there was a blood stain on it, that might work. I think my advice is the same as the last time: show us something that starts later and embroils the protagonist in troubled times. The chapter continues on to introduce the characters with nary a hint of a murder or trouble ahead for the protagonist. In fact, the strange suitcase is soon left behind and not mentioned again. Seriously, try starting later in the story.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.”   Susan

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Mucho bueno writers’ conference

 

I’m now back from attending one of the best writers’ conferences I’ve experienced, and I’ve done workshops in Washington State, Idaho, Oregon, and California. I’m pleased to add San Miguel, Mexico, to the list.

 

This flowers-and-books graphic from the website sums it up—many books, and plentiful flowers. It was sunny and mid-80s during the days. Not too shabby for February. The altitude is 6000 feet, but that wasn’t a problem.

The San Miguel Writers’ Conference had not one but four keynote speakers. I wasn’t able to attend them all, but I did see and enjoy these:

Cheryl Strayed, author of Wild, was terrific—funny, serious, touching. An excellent speaker, and inspirational.

Luis Urrea, author of Into the Beautiful North and other books, and a Pulitzer Prize nominee. If you ever get a chance to hear Luis speak, don’t miss it. He received a standing ovation, and it was well deserved.

Because the writer’s conference is in Mexico, the conference organizers make sure that the conference has a strong Hispanic component, including workshops in Spanish. Mexican author Juan Villoro spoke in English, and was both intellectually stimulating and entertaining.

I missed hearing Lawrence Hill, The Book of Negros, speak, but everyone I talked with told me that he, too, was marvelous, both entertaining and able to touch hearts.

I did my Crafting Killer Description and Dialogue workshop to a sold-out audience. The writers were energetic and darned good—they did well with the writing exercises. As usual, I really enjoyed it, and it seems that the workshoppers did as well.

There were many valuable workshops offered, but I was able to attend only one. Mark Saunders, author of Nobody Knows the Spanish I Speak, did a workshop on writing humor that I found very helpful. His book is the proof of the pudding—filled with chuckles. Full disclosure: Mark is a book design client as well as a funny writer.

So next year, if you’ve the bucks and would love to have a lovely time at a high-caliber writer’s conference, I recommend San Miguel Writers’ Conference. I’ve applied to do my Killer First Page workshop in 2014. Fingers crossed.

Best,

Ray

Flogometer: would you turn Debbie’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometerposts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Debbie has sent a story, Unclimbed Mountains.

Kate’s heavy boots make a satisfying clomping sound with every step she takes on the old wood porch. She likes the sound. It makes her feel tough, like an outlaw, clomping up to a saloon door. With every pass she makes across the porch, she jerks open the screen door and lets it slam shut. Whack. Thump. Clomp. She has been doing this for a good hour now. It is getting old and she is getting bored but then she looks down. A tearful eye looks up at her from the knothole in the wood. This reminds her why she is doing this and she keeps going.

The eye belongs to her husband Wayne. He is lying under the porch, watching her walk. She tries to time her steps just right so every pass deposits a little sand and grit right into his watching eye. She absently licks blood off her fat lip. The lip is courtesy of Wayne, the punishment is his own. He often comes up with elaborate punishments for himself after one of his transgressions. A push or a shove might have him doing dishes or taking out the trash but if there is blood, he gets creative.

Now, her husband Wayne is not a smart man but he can think on his feet. This was a particularly hard punch, right in the mouth. As soon as his fist connected with her face, he knew it was going to be bad. Kate’s uncle was local and the sheriff. One call from Kate meant big trouble for Wayne. He immediately threw himself out the screen door, crying and carrying-on in the front yard. He offered up his punishment and Kate accepted. When she married Wayne a (snip)

Yes

While there are no high stakes in this first page, there is the story question of how this is going to work out. And, I’ll confess, I liked the voice and the character, and wanted to see what more she would do to or about gool ol' Wayne. Notes:

Kate’s heavy boots make a satisfying clomping sound with every step she takes on the old wood porch. She likes the sound. It makes her feel tough, like an outlaw, clomping up to a saloon door. With every pass she makes across the porch, she jerks open the screen door and lets it slam shut. Whack. Thump. Clomp. She has been doing this for a good hour now. It is getting old and she is getting bored but then she looks down. A tearful eye looks up at her from the knothole in the wood. This reminds her why she is doing this and she keeps going. I deleted the sentence about liking the sound because the previous sentence let me know that with “satisfying.”

The eye belongs to her husband, Wayne. He is lying under the porch, watching her walk. She tries to time her steps just right so every pass deposits a little sand and grit right into his watching eye. She absently licks blood off her fat lip. The lip is courtesy of Wayne, the punishment is his own. He often comes up with elaborate punishments for himself after one of his transgressions. A push or a shove might have him doing dishes or taking out the trash, but, if there is blood, he gets creative.

Now, her husband Wayne is not a smart man but he can think on his feet. This was a particularly hard punch, right in the mouth. As soon as his fist connected with her face, he knew it was going to be bad. Kate’s uncle was local and the sheriff. One call from Kate meant big trouble for Wayne. He immediately threw himself out the screen door, crying and carrying on in the front yard. He offered up his punishment and Kate accepted. When she married Wayne a (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer: would you turn Holly’s first page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Holly has sent the first chapter of Hollow Point, a mystery novel.

Lisa Varela was just approaching tipsy as they neared the club. She looked at Eddie Chang, fidgeting in the driver’s seat, his pupils huge and glassy.

Oh great, he’s really messed up. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.

Her head jerked forward as he slammed the BMW to a stop in front of the Grotto, sending the waiting crowd that had spilled into the street, scurrying. Eddie jumped out, tossed the keys to the valet, and ran to the passenger door. He jerked it open and grabbed Lisa’s arm.

“Come on, Baby.” He pulled her out of the car, jerking her toward the club.

Lisa stumbled on the uneven edge of the sidewalk, nearly falling. “Slow down Eddie. I don’t want to fall.”

“Fuck it, come on.”

He had his full swerve on, black Armani, with side orders of silk and gold. Nobody was going to get in the way of his good time. The Grotto was a two-story art deco building with no windows and painted a dark crimson. If you were well known, you could get in. If you were famous, you could get upstairs where the A-list stars played. Eddie wasn’t famous but he was connected. He pulled her past the rope line, the bouncer, and then through the entrance. Very few people were sitting. Most of them were on the postage stamp sized dance floor or hanging around the bar. Fake beautiful trying to hook up with fake beautiful.

Close, but not yet

I like the voice and the writing (“full swerve on”), but didn’t get enough of the story or tension regarding Lisa to feel compelled to move on. On the next page, Eddie gives her a drugged drink and she passes out. If there’s a way to start inside the club—there’s no real story reason to start with their arrival—and get to that point on the first page, I would definitely have turned the page. While nicely done, there’s a little too much time spent on set-up that robs the first page of tension.

I think starting a little later could work just fine—a noisy night club scene should be easy to paint in a couple of strokes, and then you could get to the trouble that happens to Lisa. BTW, I’m not even sure that she’s the protagonist at this point—I didn’t know whether the drug had just knocked her out or killed her. But she is robbed. She may be the first victim in this story.

In that case, I’m not sure I’d start with the murder but with the primary protagonist. Good start, though, and keep at it. Notes:

Lisa Varela was just approaching tipsy as they neared the club. She looked at Eddie Chang, fidgeting in the driver’s seat, his pupils huge and glassy.

Oh great, he’s really messed up. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.

Her head jerked forward as when he slammed the BMW to a stop in front of the Grotto, sending the waiting crowd that had spilled into the street, scurrying. Eddie jumped out, tossed the keys to the valet, and ran to the passenger door. He jerked yanked it open and grabbed Lisa’s arm. change made to avoid echo of “jerk” in the next paragraph

“Come on, Baby.” He pulled her out of the car and jerked, jerking her toward the club. changed to be crisper and avoid the participle “ing”

Lisa stumbled and nearly fell. on the uneven edge of the sidewalk, nearly falling. “Slow down Eddie. I don’t want to fall.” mentioning the uneven edge of the sidewalk is a little bit of overwriting—minute detail that doesn’t really move the story and slows the pace

“Fuck it, come on.”

He had his full swerve on, black Armani, with side orders of silk and gold. Nobody was going to get in the way of his good time. The Grotto was a two-story art deco building with no windows and painted a dark crimson. If you were well known, you could get in. If you were famous, you could get upstairs where the A-list stars played. Eddie wasn’t famous but he was connected. He pulled her past the rope line, the bouncer, and then through the entrance. Very few people were sitting. Most of them were on the postage-stamp sized dance floor or hanging around the bar. Fake beautiful trying to hook up with fake beautiful. While this characterizes Eddie and sets the scene in a nice way, I think you can do as well if you start inside just before he dopes her. Give it a try.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

---

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer: would you turn Heather’s first page?

Sorry I forgot Wednesday's flogging, I'm in Mexico at a writer's conference to do a workshop and I was distracted. Buenas dias.

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Attention all flogees: As posted earlier, I lost my hard drive and the backup didn’t work. I’m waiting to hear from a data recovery company. Meanwhile, please resend your submissions for the flogometer so I can carry on.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Heather has sent the first chapter of A Midwinter Night's Revolution.

Lyta waited until the coachman had fallen asleep, then pulled her cloak around herself and ducked into the night. She hurried away from the lanterns and carriages and throngs of happy revelers gathered by the palace gates, into the snow-clad garden. Tonight was the eve of the Grand Masquerade, and Lyta was too young to attend.

Music drifted from the balconies above her, accompanied by the sounds of dancers -- the rustle of voluminous petticoats, the patter of snappy shoes, the whispered affections of new lovers. She peered through the palace's great glass windows at the twirling guests in their feathered masks and sparkling gowns. At least her father had granted her one small concession, to ride in the hired coach when it came to fetch the rest of them home, to catch a glimpse of the revels from within that cold, dark box.

The snow crunched. Lyta spun away from the window, the breath catching in her throat. A masked stranger stood in the shadows beneath an elm, barely visible, watching her. She stared back at him.

"You've lost your mask." His accent was thin, reedy, almost French.

She clutched her thick cloak and retreated toward the lamplight. She had heard tales of nefarious rogues, and had no desire to fall prey to one's designs. "I'm not here -- I mean, I'm not at the masque. I'm just waiting for my sisters to come out so we can leave."

Yes

You bet I wanted to know what would happen to this young woman and her encounter with a masked stranger who just might be a nefarious rogue. It seems like historical fiction of some sort, and that promises interest as well. The scene is set, the character is characterized, the voice is good, and a strong story question is raised. Nicely done. A few notes:

Lyta waited until the coachman had fallen asleep, then pulled her cloak around herself and ducked into the night. She hurried away from the lanterns and carriages and throngs of happy revelers gathered by the palace gates, and into the snow-clad garden. Tonight was the eve of the Grand Masquerade, and Lyta was too young to attend. The last sentence is a bit of pov shift to the author doling out information. Better if it’s in her pov. For example: The sound of the Grand Masquerade spilled from the palace and she wished once again that she wasn’t too young to attend.

Music drifted from the balconies above her, accompanied by the sounds of dancers -- the rustle of voluminous petticoats, the patter of snappy shoes, the whispered affections of new lovers. She peered through the palace's great glass windows at the twirling guests in their feathered masks and sparkling gowns. At least her father had granted her one small concession,: to ride in the hired coach when it came to fetch the rest of them home, to catch a glimpse of the revels from within that cold, dark box.

The snow crunched. Lyta spun away from the window, the her breath catching in her throat. A masked stranger stood in the shadows beneath an elm, barely visible, watching her. She stared back at him.

"You've lost your mask." His accent was thin, reedy, almost French. His voice could be thin and reedy, but not his accent, it seems to me.

She clutched her thick cloak and retreated toward the lamplight. She had heard tales of nefarious rogues, and had no desire to fall prey to one's designs. "I'm not here -- I mean, I'm not at the masque. I'm just waiting for my sisters to come out so we can leave."

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

 

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Flog a pro: John Grisham

Does anything like this ever strike you when you're facing a blank page? Dogbert represents that part of you that just doesn't wanna:

Attention all flogees: As posted earlier, I lost my hard drive and the backup didn’t work. I’m waiting to hear from a data recovery company. Meanwhile, please resend your submissions for the flogometer so I can carry on.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

The first chapter opening of The Racketeer by John Grisham as it would be in manuscript form.

I am a lawyer, and I am in prison. It’s a long story.

I’m forty-three years old and halfway through a ten-year sentence handed down by a weak and sanctimonious federal judge in Washington, D.C. All of my appeals have run their course,and there is no procedure, mechanism, obscure statute, technicality, loophole, or Hail Mary left in my thoroughly depleted arsenal. I have nothing. Because I know the law, I could do what some inmates do and clog up the courts with stacks of worthless motions and writs and other junk filings, but none of this would help my cause. Nothing will help my cause. The reality is that I have no hope of getting out for five more years, save for a few lousy weeks chopped off at the end for good behavior, and my behavior has been exemplary.

I shouldn’t call myself a lawyer, because technically I am not. The Virginia State Bar swept in and yanked my license shortly after I was convicted. The language is right there in black and white—a felony conviction equals disbarment. I was stripped of my license, and my disciplinary troubles were duly reported to the Virginia Lawyer Register. Three of us were disbarred that month, which is about average.

However, in my little world, I am known as a jailhouse lawyer and as such spend several hours each day helping my fellow inmates with their legal problems. I study their appeals and file (snip)

Nope

For me, there was zero tension in this opening. It’s all exposition and backstory—while the narrator seems to be a sympathetic character, we don’t know what he’s in prison for. It could be nasty. I’m fine with him painting his situation as hopeless IF there was a hint of him taking action to change things, but there is none.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'”    Elizabeth

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey

Please resend flogging submissions

Well, my hard drive not only failed, so did Windows Backup, which I now know sucks. I have lost all of my flogometer files. I'm sending the drive to a data recovery place, but there's no guarantee that they'll be able to do it. Cross your fingers for me--all my book docs and design work seems to be lost as well. I'd had an external hard drive and backed up to there, but Windows didn't cover everything it should have. Argh.

So please resend your submissions for the flogometer so I can carry on.

Best,

Ray

You and writers conferences

My computer is still in the shop—they’re having trouble retrieving the data from the back-up drive, so I’m nervous.

Since I can’t flog anyone, I thought it would be interesting to see what your participation in writers conferences is and how you feel about it.

I’m doing my Killer Description and Dialogue workshop soon at the San Miguel Writers’ Conference in Mexico soon (check it out) and, while most people report liking my workshops and learning from them, every once in a while someone comes away disappointed. I suspect it may have been a result of misguided expectations, or perhaps just a bad fit of their style with mine, or I just didn't do a good job for that person despite the majority opinion. So I wonder.

So—how about letting me know your participation in conferences—the poll below allows 2 responses. Please respond and tell me whether or not you’ve attended a writers conference and, if so, how you felt about it.

Also—how about telling me, using Comments:

• What kinds of workshops you attended?
• What you gained from the workshops?
• What has disappointed you about workshops or conferences you’ve attended?
• What's a really good experience you had at a writers conference?

Best,

Ray

 

CRASH!

The hard drive on my work computer crashed yesterday, hoping I can get the data off of it or that my back-up worked to include all my FtQ files. Won't know until later today. Very frustrating.

Later, with luck.

Ray

Flog the pros: Tess Gerritsen

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Today’s floggee is bestselling author Tess Gerritsen and her latest novel, Last to Die: A Rizzoli & Isles Novel. I’ve read the novel and enjoyed it a great deal. I recommend it for readers of crime thrillers. I typed out the text of the opening to determine what would be on the first page of a typewritten manuscript, which is not necessarily what’s on the page of a printed book or ebook.

The opening page of the first chapter of Last to Die:

On the night that thirteen-year-old Claire Ward should have died, she stood on the window ledge of her third-floor Ithaca bedroom, trying to decide whether to jump. Twenty feet below were scraggly forsythia bushes, long past their spring bloom. They would cushion her fall, but most likely there’d be broken bones involved. She glanced across at the maple tree, eyeing the sturdy branch that arched only a few feet away. She’d never attempted this leap before, because she’d never been forced to. Until tonight she’d managed to sneak out the front door without being noticed. But those nights of easy escapes were over, because Boring Bob was on to her. From now on young lady, you are staying home! No more running around town after dark like a wildcat.

If I break my neck on this jump, she thought, it’s all Bob’s fault.

Yes, that maple branch was definitely within reach. She had places to go, people to see, and she couldn’t hang around here forever, weighing her chances.

She crouched, tensing for the leap, but suddenly froze as an approaching car’s headlights angled around the corner. The SUV glided like a black shark beneath her window and continued slowly up the quiet street, as if searching for a particular house. Not ours, she thought; no one interesting ever turned up at the residence of her foster parents Boring Bob and Equally Boring Barbara Buckley. Even their names were boring, not to mention their dinner conversations. How (snip)

Yes

I like the way the first sentence adds a level of stakes and tension to the story questions that follow. Without it there would still be some tension and questions—would she jump, would she break her leg—but the narrative seems to take a little detour into the character’s feelings about her foster parents rather than staying with the dangerous part of the scene, and the opening words add motivation to keep reading. I realize that it's not the close third-persoin POV that I generally prefer, but in the hands of a pro this works for me.

The writing is clean and clear, the voice professional and fits the character. If anything, I would delete the “suddenly” in the last paragraph.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Free sample chapters—click here for a PDF

I am not a fan of most writing books because they all seem to say the same things. "Show, don't tell." "Create believable characters." "Keep your plot interesting." Rhamey doesn't just tell you what to do, he shows you with concrete examples and a humorous touch. I learned more from this book than I have from all the other books on writing I've read so far combined.    Writing Mom

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2013 Ray Rhamey