Learn the ingredients that light up a reader's brain here. One line from the story:
And you don’t have to be a brain scientist to do it, just apply the same kind of techniques that writing teachers have been preaching for years.
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Flogometer for Frankie--would you turn the page?
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Frankie has taken another pass at the opening chapter of Mayhem in Maui. The last version is here.
“Our guest of honor seems to be missing.”
I was already nervous at the prospect of greeting The Most Hated Man in Hawaii. I hoped that whatever was holding him up wouldn’t put him in a bad mood.
“This is no good.” Mercedes Yamashiro glanced around the Campus Dining Center and lowered her voice to a whisper that only a few tables around us could hear. “I wen’ knock on his door this morning to see if he wanted to drive up with me but no answer. I thought he left already.”
“Maybe he stopped to check on the Hanohano,” said the good-looking man sitting on the other side of me.
Mercedes put down her chopsticks and stood up.
“I’m gonna go talk to your dean over there. He and Jimmy had dinner together last night.”
“Are you sure you want to bother him?” I hoped Mercedes wasn’t going to leave me alone with the dark-eyed man.
“This is not like him, Molly. Jimmy would die before he missed a breakfast in his honor.”
Mercedes hurried over to the administrators’ table. I switched on my beaming-at-(snip)
Nope
Even though Frankie included a narrative suggestion from the last critique and this is a nicely written immediate scene with good voice, it still isn’t tugging me forward. I think that it has to do with the fact that there are no story questions raised that relate to the protagonist. The tease about the guest of honor—who I assume is the murderee—isn’t really paid off in the chapter; an announcement is made that he has been unavoidably detained, and then the story has the protagonist required to interview the guest of honor and ends there.
Maybe this is another case of “too-soon.” If Jimmy, the missing guest of honor, is the person killed, and if Molly finds the body, then I think that’s close to where this story starts. But, in my view, the best place to start is where the protagonist is confronted with some kind of trouble that has serious consequences for her. The writing is strong and clean, so I don’t have any notes other than maybe show us something that starts later and embroils the protagonist in troubled times. Considering the voice and the writing, I'd like to see that.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
“I'm a rank newbie with just my first draft under my belt and a bad case of "Now what?" I've read many books on writing and editing, but Flogging the Quill is the first to give me hope that I may indeed be able to whip my creation into a novel-like shape. I especially recommend it for NaNoWriMo. FTQ makes an excellent read in December after the chaos of November fades. Ray shows you, very clearly and with humor, what needs to happen after 'The End.'” Elizabeth
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Flog the pros: John Locke
Today the flogee is the opening of a book by a self-published author. Is he a pro? Well, the definition of “professional” is “one that engages in a particular pursuit, study, or science for gain or livelihood.” John Locke most definitely has done that.
He is the first self-published author to hit #1 on the Amazon/Kindle Best Seller’s List. He is a New York Times best-selling author. In the first 5 months of 2011 he sold more than 1,100,000 ebooks.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Below are the first 16 lines of what would be the manuscript for the
opening page from one of John Locke's early books, Saving
Rachel (a Donovan Creed Crime Novel), formatted the way I do it here at
FtQ.
MAYBE IT ISN’T fair, but I blame Karen Vogel for what just happened.
I mean, sure, I’d made the first move, and true, I’d plotted her seduction with all the precision of the Normandy invasion. I baited the hook with romantic candlelit dinners, private dining rooms, and elegant wines. I’m the one who made all the promises, bought the clothes, the mushy cards, and glittering jewelry.
But none of this would have happened if Karen Vogel hadn’t been so … gorgeous.
We’re in Room 413, Brown Hotel, Louisville, Kentucky, 10:15 am. My twenty-something-year-old conquest lies on the bed watching me through eyes like aquamarine crystals. I’m scrambling into my pants, tucking in my shirt, but those piercing eyes freeze me in place, and I’m like a deer caught in the headlights.
Karen rolls onto her side, props her chin on her fist, and says, “You meant what you said, right, Same?”
Her toned, athletic body features long legs and a belly so flat I can see two inches down the front of her panties, elevated as they are between two perfect hips. It’s a good view, the kind you never get tired of, and I get that feeling again, like I’m riding a lucky wave. I mean, I just banged Karen Vogel!
Nope.
While this does well in the characterization and voice parts of storytelling, and the tease of the opening line got me to read further, not much happens after that, and the tease wasn’t enough to take me past the musings of a lusty character. There's little tension, I didn't care that he had banged this woman, nor is there a hint of “crime” as promised in the subhead.
A better opening
A few pages later I found the following. Give it a read and a vote.
I’m in the parking garage, fishing in my pocket for the keyless remote when I hear a crackling sound and—Christ!—something zaps my calf muscle from behind. I turn to see what’s happened, and the next think I know, I’m rubbing the back of my neck where it feels like someone stuck me with a hypodermic needle.
I’m groggy, but I feel movement and realize I’m in the back seat of a stretch limo with two guys. The one on the left is a muscle-head; looks like Mr. Clean on steroids. The other guy’s a well-dressed older man with slicked-back gray hair. He’s wearing a black silk suit with vertical white lines and a white tie. The voice in my head is saying, Oh shit, this is the real deal, and the voice is right. This is a full--fledged gangster sitting across from me, and he’s just asked me something. Unfortunately, my head is in a fog and I’m still reeling, so I can’t quite make out what he said.
Trying to buy time to get my bearings, I say, “I’m sorry. Who are you? What did you just say?”
“Your wife,” he says.
I look around. He’s talking to me? His words seem to be coming from deep in a well. Did he just ask me about my wife?
“What about her?” I ask.
“What’s her bra size?”
Yes
While this narrative still dawdles a little more than I feel it should, there were good story questions raised and it delivers on the “crime” nature of the book. The thing about the bra size alone raised a story question: Why? Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
"I'm mad at this book. Know why? Because it's one of the best I've read about crafting compelling novels, and it's telling me that I have to revise my own novel yet again. The examples are clear and unusually frequent. For example, you won't read pages of theory before being shown exactly what is meant by creating tension. If you're writing a novel you hope will sell to an agent, then to a publisher, and finally to a great many readers, Rhamey's realistic advice will help you.” Susan
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Rob--would you turn the page?
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Rob has sent the prologue for Soldiers of God: the Book of Lot.
“I guess I was a little too late……” The echo of his voice and the guitar reverberated down the valley to the river. The tall ebony man always wondered what it was going to be like to die. His friends always said he was rational, level headed and always staying ahead of life. This one act would change that forever. The ankle deep snow covered the feet that were only ten steps to the river far below. The thought flashed that he should walk to his destiny, but he quickly dismissed it because he wanted the world to know this was deliberate.
Most people considered suicide to be the coward’s way out. His feelings changed when his wife and three children were murdered in the mall. Eddie rationalized this was the most expedient route to re-unite with his family on the other side. He took one last moment to consider the implications of his actions before dropping his guitar and speaking to the wind. “Sorry Lord, Tonight I have other plans.”
Three deep breaths later, he turned and walked to his backpack and his chosen instrument. Like a coiled viper, the pistol rested on the frosty backpack eager to do its master’s biding. Like his soul, the 9MM was focused and ready to explode with finality. Finishing his final prayer, the weapon rose towards his head. Eddie’s wide eyes were open, looking upward with no fear of (snip)
Nope
Well, there is a story question raised, which I like, and a character in jeopardy. But I guess I just didn’t want to know the answer. The pace of this page suggested that the narrative would be too leisurely for my tastes—musing and backstory exposition just aren’t compelling to me. For me, there were storytelling issues, too—a shifting point of view, echoes of words, allusions to being late to something we don’t know, and more.
However, there was a one-line paragraph on the next page that, had it appeared on this page, would have gotten me to turn the page despite some correctable shortcomings. After he puts the gun to his head, this happens:
“Are you Edward Paul Norris?” The words were said in a deep, but friendly tone.
While that needs a little punctuation editing, the introduction of a new character right at this moment would have cranked my curiosity up to a level where I would have turned the page. Notes on the original:
“I guess I was a little too late……” The echo of his voice and the guitar reverberated down the valley to the river. The tall ebony man Eddie had always wondered what it was going to be like to die. His friends always said he was rational, level-headed and always staying ahead of life. This one act would change that forever. The aAnkle-deep snow covered the his feet, that were only ten steps from a fall to the river far below. The thought flashed that he should walk to his destiny, but he quickly dismissed it because he wanted the world to know this was deliberate. There’s a dissonance in point of view that was disconcerting. We seem to be in close third person—we know what the character is thinking—but instead of a person we have distant descriptions of “the tall ebony man” and “the feet…” Also: Too late for what? This reference to something the reader doesn’t know didn’t help me get involved with the story. Was he too late to save his family? That would add something. He can’t know that his voice echoes to the river that is far below, even if he shouted, and it doesn’t seem that he does. I highlighted the use of “always” three times in close succession—avoid echoes like that one. While this opening does set the scene to some extent, the musing kept it from being crisp. Also, why did he want the world to know that his suicide was deliberate? That could be an important motive.
Most people considered suicide to be the coward’s way out. His feelings had changed when his After his wife and three children were murdered in the mall, Eddie had decided that rationalized this was the way most expedient route to re-unite with his family on the other side. He took one last moment to consider the implications of his actions before dropping his guitar and speaking said to the wind, “Sorry, Lord, Tonight I have other plans.” I cut a lot because it just slowed things down. What does it matter what he thinks most people think? I question that he would be thinking about how efficient this method was—he’s depressed and sad, isn’t he? The pause to consider implications is delay, and who needs that on the first page? If a little scene-setting were added, this could have made an arresting opening paragraph.
Three deep breaths later, he He turned and walked to the pistol resting on his backpack. and his chosen instrument. Like a coiled viper, the pistol rested on it the frosty backpack eager to do its master’s biding. Like his soul, the 9MM was focused and ready to explode with finality. Finishing his After a final prayer, he lifted the weapon rose towards his head. Eddie’s wide eyes were open, looking looked upward with no fear of (snip) It didn’t matter to me or the story that he took three deep breaths—get on with the action. Once again we slip out of his pov so that the weapon, not Eddie, can point itself to his head. What are “wide” eyes? Were they wide open? Also, there’s no need to tell us that they were open if he simply looks upward, which requires eyes that are open.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Alys--would you turn the page?
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Alys has sent two prologues and the first chapter for Sacred Blood.
Frantic hands folded and packed football gear. Juliette St. Claire gasped, twitching at the slightest sound. The jersey she needed was still in the living room. She sprinted to get it, hoping he would be lenient.
"Hurry up, Wench! The team and I have to take off. Get my stuff packed up!" Robert Jensen slugged the arm of the frail young woman who hurried past him, smirking ad her shocked scream as she crashed into the cream wall and fell. Roughly he grabbed her arms and turned her to face a the hallway mirror. "Do you see that? Do you want another?"
Juliette stared at the newest bruise around her eye. She nodded and shook her head in turn to his questions, longing to get away from the hands that hurt her. Those hands turned her around to look at him and he slapped her across the face.
"You didn't answer me! Did you see that, and do you want another?"
"Y-yes, Sir, an-and no, S-S-Sir!" She wanted nothing more than for him to let go. His fingers digging into her flesh were bruising her, and the location of his punch smarted.
As if to answer her wish, he shoved her back into the wall. "Hurry up then! Or you'll get worse. Finish up!"
The injured woman ran as fast as she could to continue gathering and packing his gear, glad he was going to be gone for a week and that she'd have several days without physical pain.
Nope
While this is an immediate scene with conflict, tension, and story questions raised, and I like that, I’m afraid that craft shortcomings kept me from turning the page. A suggestion: sometimes reading your text aloud will help you avoid glitches such as the “a the” in the second paragraph and the later misspelled “at.” Notes:
Frantic,
hands Juliette folded and packed football gear. Juliette St. Claire gasped,
twitching at the slightest sound. The jersey she needed was still in the living
room. She sprinted to get it, hoping he would be lenient. Whose frantic hands? Yes, we learn that
they are Juliette’s, but why start with disembodied hands? It’s Juliette who is
doing the packing. Even though I’ve used a character’s last name right out of
the box before, I’ve come to think that it’s better to leave that until later
(if at all). I deleted the line about gasping and twitching because it seemed unmotivated, and there were no sounds to twitch at. What had she done to be concerned about him being lenient? Seems unmotivated to me.
"Hurry up, wenchWench! The team and I have to take off. Get my stuff packed up!" Robert Jensen slugged the Juliette’s arm of the frail young woman who when she hurried past him. smirking ad He smirked at her shocked scream as she crashed into the cream wall and fell. Roughly he grabbed her arms and turned her to face a the hallway mirror. "Do you see that? Do you want another?" “the frail young woman” is a big jump out of the close third-person POV that we started with. We should stay in Juliette’s mind, and she would not think of herself as that. When he grabs her arms, he should lift her to her feet before he turns her to face the mirror.
Juliette stared at the newest bruise around her eye. She nodded and shook her head in turn to his questions, longing to get away from the hands that hurt her. Those hands turned her around to look at him and he slapped her across the face.
"You didn't answer me! Did you see that, and do you want another?"
"Y-yes, sir Sir, an-and no, S-S-Sir s-s-sir!" She wanted nothing more than for him to let go. His fingers digging into her flesh were bruising her, and the location of his punch smarted. The “location of his punch” is on the awkward side, it seems to me, and I forget where the punch landed. Instead, why not something clear such as and her arm hurt where he’d punched her.
As if to answer her wish, he shoved her back into the wall. "Hurry up then! Or you'll get worse. Finish up!"
The injured woman She ran as fast as she could to continue gathering and packing his gear, glad he was going to be gone for a week and that she'd have several days without physical pain. Another POV slip—she would not think of herself as “the injured woman.”
The first page foreshadows the rest of the manuscript, and you’re going to need to work on the craft side of things and take more care before agents will be willing to read on.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Flog the pros: A Game of Thrones
When we submit our manuscripts to agents, and then them to
publishers, we’re held to standards set by published authors, especially if we’re
writing in a genre. This post launches “Flog the pros,” a new kind of look at
first pages—the first pages of the pros.
Below is what the first 17 lines of the manuscript for A Game of Thrones would be, formatted the way I do it here at FtQ. The author is George R. R. Martin, and the blurbs on the paperback call it a genuine masterpiece (of epic fantasy). This is from the first of the four volumes that my son gave me for Christmas. I’m about halfway through (at 400 pages in a small font so far), and I’m enjoying it tremendously.
He’s created a rich and engaging world and varied and fascinating characters to populate it. But, as we ask here, how fares that first page? Here is the first page of the prologue—yes, I read a prologue, and enjoyed every bit. Give it a flog, will you? And don't let "this isn't my genre" be a reason to decline the opportunity--the test is of storytelling, not genre.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Prologue
“We should start back,” Gared urged as the woods began to grow dark around them. “The wildings are dead.”
“Do the dead frighten you?” Ser Waymar Royce asked with just the hint of a smile.
Gared did not rise to the bait. He was an old man, past fifty, and he had seen the lordlings come and go. “Dead is dead,” he said. “We have no business with the dead.”
“Are they dead?” Royce asked softly. “What proof have we?”
“Will saw them, Gared said. “If he says they are dead, that’s proof enough for me.”
Will had known they would drag him into the quarrel sooner or later. He wished it had been later rather than sooner. “My mother told me that dead men sing no songs,” he put in.
“My wet nurse said the same thing, Will,” Royce replied. “Never believe anything you hear at a woman’s tit. There are things to be learned even from the dead.” His voice echoed, too loud in the twilit forest.
“We have a long ride before us,” Gared pointed out. “Eight days, maybe nine. And night is falling.”
Ser Waymar Royce glanced at the sky with disinterest. “It does that every day about this time. Are you unmanned by the dark, Gared?”
Will could see the tightness around Gared’s mouth, the barely suppressed anger in his eyes under (snip)
Yes
I think this opening does a good job of setting the scene even though it is briefly sketched, and establishing character and voice. And there’s tension between the characters, and story questions. While I might quibble stylistically with an adverb or dialogue tag here and there, this is strong writing, and it fits the genre well.
I think that there’s a lesson here for fantasy and science-fiction writers who too soon dive into world-building. This is an immediate scene that involves us with people. There’s just enough of the world to let us know that it’s not the one we occupy, and the author fills and builds that world within the context of what’s happening in the now of the story. What are your thoughts?
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Suzanne--would you turn the page?
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Suzanne has sent two prologues and the first chapter for A Map of Heaven.
Prologue 1
He ran through the rain. He darted across the puddled street on the lower west side of Manhattan on a quickly darkening winter night. He was late. It was the opening of her exhibit. He couldn’t be late.
One year after she’d vanished without a trace he’d received an invitation in the mail. The event was described as the first show of an exciting new artist. He knew her as more than an artist. The woman he had spent the last twelve months searching for was now the subject of an exhibit. Was tonight a continuation of the hallucination he had come to think of as their week together?
On the other hand, if reality ruled the day, she should be dead.
When he’d received the invitation a week ago, he had immediately called the gallery listed on the front. The paintings had arrived two days before, he was told. The gallery owner seemed impressed with the work. She explained that the gallery would be handling the arrangements, the invitations, perhaps a small mention in the press. They had not yet met the artist, or spoken to her, but she was expected at the opening.
At least the paintings were real.
He slowed, stepping onto the sidewalk in front of the gallery. He was oblivious to the (snip)
Prologue 2
Her throat constricted in a silent scream as she stared at the grotesque lifeless face that gaped at her from the grass.
Elizabeth sprang up in bed, shaking the nightmare from her vision. A searing pain tore through her skull. She doubled over, pressing the palms of her hands to her temples fighting back the impulse to retch. She threw the blankets to one side and stumbled to the bathroom, where she managed to spill a few aspirin into the palm of her hand and swallow them with a gulp of water from the tap. She leaned against the doorframe and massaged her temples, panting to regain her balance. Her body was drenched with the sticky sweet sheen of fear.
As suddenly as the pain arced it fell away. Like a wave that crashes to shore and quickly recedes, only a lingering dull ache that left her nauseated remained. Pushing herself upright, she slowly stumbled back toward her bed. She sat on the edge of the bed and then rolled backward onto her side and pulled the down comforter around her shaking body, moaning as an aftershock of pain pulsed through her body. She drew her knees up to her chest and protectively wrapped her arms around her head.
“Oh God.” Inconsolable tears left wet tracks down her face as she lay her head in the cradle of her arms.
Chapter 1
“Do you know what it’s like to die?” Sitting on a bed in the busy Emergency Room of the university hospital, Elizabeth willed herself to concentrate as she held her breath and waited for the answer.
“I can explain death from a medical perspective,” the doctor said. “I won’t conjecture on what is not quantifiable, such as what becomes of us after the last exhilation of breath.”
For a moment Elizabeth tried to imagine the owl-eyed man in front of her disappearing into thin air and for a fleeting moment she wondered if the horror of her diagnosis would go with him.
“But it’s not my time to die.” A bubble of desperate emotion swelled in her throat and she quickly clasped her mouth to contain it, not knowing if she would laugh or scream. “I have plans.”
“We all have plans that go unfinished,” he offered with a pronounced look of discomfort.
She hoped the doctor would spare her the litany of his own mislaid plans, she was having enough difficulty trying not to catalogue her own. Elizabeth glanced down at her hands in embarrassment; her knuckles were white with the strain of clenching her favorite fountain pen, which she’d been holding as a talisman, ever since they’d wheeled her into the small room off the main corridor of the Emergency Room. She was propped against rigid foam pillows wearing (snip)
Prologue 1—yes.
Prologue 2—no
Chapter 1—almost
This is the first time I’ve seen two prologues—for some literary agents, that means two things to skip. The voice is good throughout, and the writing is pretty clean (but “exhilation” should be “exhalation”), though there are places it could be a little crisper. The first prologue was a good scene and raised story questions. There was tension—what would he find. However, I don’t think it was necessary.
The second prologue deals with a dream (the whole thing). Didn’t pull me forward.
The chapter opening is an almost only because the jeopardy she faces isn’t there—it’s a brain tumor, which is revealed later. As it is, her problem is vague, and we don’t really know if she’s to die or not. If I had known that she had a terminal disease, I would have wanted to know how she dealt with it. So here the writer has withheld information that could have raised the stakes and the tension.
Good writing, good scenes, a lot of promise.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
Vivid characters, challenging reading
In a recent interview, bestselling author Tess Gerritsen, who is a pantser/organic writer, said this:
“I find that the most vivid characters are the ones you don’t think about too much because your subconscious takes over. I think that the most stilted characters were the ones I tried to do biographical sketches for.”
She spoke about how she did not do a character sketch for her main co-character, Jane Rizzoli, because she had planned to kill her off. But, by the end of the book, she had become interested in Jane and wanted to learn more about her, which she did by starring her in the next novel.
Thus the pantser approach to discovery by writing.
I agree with Tess’s notion because I’ve had similar experiences with characters I’ve created on the fly. And you read, now and then, of writers who declare that their “character just took over.” That’s your subconscious mind working in the background to pull things out of who and what you are to create richer, more real characters.
In my We the Enemy novel, that happened to me. In the opening chapter I had my protagonist rescue a woman from an assault. The scene’s purpose was primarily to characterize him as a man of action, just as the opening scene in The Raiders of the Lost Ark serves to introduce Indiana Jones as an adventurer and man of action.
Then the unexpected happened. The woman was “cannon fodder,” a character to be used and discarded. Not this woman. Nope, she followed my main character to thank him for her rescue. And she became the second lead character in the novel and plays a pivotal role. She sprang from my subconscious and grew from there.
I challenge you to read this novel
I’m still offering free ebook copies of We the Enemy because it explores alternatives to dealing with gun safety. A part of the fabric of the world is that gun and ammo manufacturers support gun safety laws rather than oppose them. You’ll have to read it to find out why.
Why the challenge? The way a number of issues are tackled—the 5th Amendment and justice in addition to gun violence—challenge the status quo, and could challenge the way you think about them. It’s not just escapist entertainment; there are things to chew on. Politically, people from both sides of the aisle will find things to love and things to hate—and to think about.
Just email me and tell me which kind of ebook to send—Kindle or .epub. Reviews are here, but don't buy the book, just email me for a copy.
All I ask is that you pass it on.
For what it's worth.Ray
© 2012 Ray Rhamey
Flogometer for Kevin--would you turn the page?
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Kevin has sent the first chapter of Codex.
The Hayyim began writing the book you are holding on a dismal day when there were few clouds in the sky, at the very moment that young Phin realized he was about to die. In a land of dreams and dead men, shook atop a wooden wall guarding the entrance to his town. He gripped the bow in his hands. The Hayyim's pen was scratching away the words in this book, and whatever the Hayyim wrote was what happened. Phin was certain that this book was about to end.
The grass rustled and Phin turned with a cry, pulling the drawstring to his cheek. It was only the wind. There was only One Wind in the land of Aswèrin and it blew past Phin, carrying smoke.
Thud-thud, Thud-thud. Drum beats, just louder than Phin's heart. He swallowed. The drums were close. Too close. Animals stampeded from the bushes – rabbits, deer, all rushing West.
The sounds of panting could be heard, and Phin stomach twisted into a kont. He wondered how many details the Hayyim would include. Would he write about every individual bone breaking? The hissing and the panting grew louder, and the ground trembled a little harder.
Phin was small and thin, his bones poking out awkwardly. He was hardly big enough to carry the bow, despite his age. He could hunt, but he was too small to fight the other young men (snip)
Nope
The scene does put the character in jeopardy, and I like that, but I found the opening confusing and too many craft issues to want to continue. The rest of the chapter was similar, with interesting promise but missing words and other craft issues. It might help if you could find critique partners to help you learn to see these shortcomings. Notes:
The Hayyim began writing the book you are holding on a dismal day when there were few clouds in the sky, at the very moment that young Phin realized he was about to die. In a land of dreams and dead men, he shook atop a wooden wall guarding the entrance to his town, gripping a bow. He gripped the bow in his hands. The Hayyim's pen was scratching away the words in this book, and whatever the Hayyim wrote was what happened. Phin was certain that this book was about to end. Missing pronoun, he. What else would you grip a bow with other than your hands? If the Hayyim writes what happens, the implication is that nothing has happened before he begins writing, yet this character has a past. Seems inconsistent to me.
The grass rustled and Phin turned with a cry, pulling the bow string drawstring to his cheek. It was only the wind. There was only One Wind in the land of Aswèrin, and it blew past Phin, carrying smoke. A drawstring is what goes around the edge of your hoodie or sweat pants. Missing comma before conjunction.
Thud-thud, Thud-thud. Drum beats, just louder than Phin's heart. He swallowed. The drums were close. Too close. Animals stampeded from the bushes – rabbits, deer, all rushing west West. I didn’t mind the sentence fragment, it contributes to the urgency of the moment. The last sentence could be improved if it led with the animals rather than telling us, eg. Rabbits and deer stampeded from the bushes (where are the bushes? set the scene), rushing west.
The sounds of Phin heard panting could be heard, and Phin his stomach twisted into a knot kont. He wondered how many details the Hayyim would include. Would he write about every individual bone breaking? The hissing and the panting grew louder, and the ground trembled a little harder. While this action increases the tension, there are several issues. Missing possessive in sorta clunky first sentence, misspelled word. Wondering about what the Hayyim would write at a moment when he is supposed to be frightened for his life seems incongruous. Hissing hasn’t been mentioned before, so making it louder is a little bit of a speed bump in the narrative. How does he know the ground trembled when he is standing on a wall—a continuity issue.
Phin was small and thin, his bones poking out awkwardly. He was hardly big enough to carry the bow, despite his age. He could hunt, but he was too small to fight the other young men (snip) Clarity issue—are his bones poking out of his skin? Unlikely, but that’s how it reads. There’s a point-of-view shift here, from close third person to omniscient, which takes me out of the impact of the scene. The reference to “his age” won’t mean anything to the reader since we don’t know what the age is. Something like “grown man” would be more clear, or another way to suggest his age. And shifting to narrative about being unable to fight other young men in the midst of some kind of attack also takes the reader out of the narrative, I feel.
There were things I liked about this story, and there’s a unique and interesting world in the offing (I think), but there’s work to be done on the craft side.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2013 Ray Rhamey
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