Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Matthias--would you turn the page

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Matthias has sent a revised first chapter of Tim Walkers. He sent the prologue and first chapter in August.

Matthias is in the Netherlands, and his English is self-taught.

Tim shivered as he tightened his shawl. He stared down at his feet, he worried that his dangerously blue-tinted toes might freeze off but continued to walk regardless. He had to do this, not just for himself but also for Greyclad. He tried not to think of the crime he was about to commit but, the harder he tried the more it gnawed at his mind. What would happen if he was caught? He took a deep breath and continued his way through the white blanket of snow that covered the ground. The silhouette of Fastings was drawing closer with every step.

When he had finally arrived, he felt like a walking skeleton, the cold seeping through his bones and his teeth chattering with every step. He felt weird, somewhat between reluctant and strangely excited by what he was about to do. He found the bakery he was looking for quickly enough and tip toed around the back.

 His belly groaned softly as his nostrils were filled with the smell of fresh bread. He glanced around anxiously, making sure that he was alone, which; to his relief, he was.

So this was it, Tim thought. His heart was beating anxiously in his throat; within half an hour the baker would light the ovens and if he was not out by then, Greyclad would die.

Tim shrugged the ominous thought off, he needed to get in for starters. He inspected the back wall quickly, he had hoped for a hatchway or a door but there was only a small window, too high for him to reach. Tim shifted his weight to another leg as he looked around (snip)

Yes on the story

While the writing needs work, I think Matthias did a fine job of creating a sense of a character and raising story questions—a boy stealing so that Greyclad, whoever that is (a story question) would not die (why was he going to die), a noble motive.

I’ll do some notes, but want to suggest to Matthias that he avoid adverbs in general.

Tim shivered as he tightened his shawl. He stared down at his feet, he worried that his dangerously blue-tinted toes might freeze off, but he continued to walk regardless. He had to do this, not just for himself but also for Greyclad. He tried not to think of the crime he was about to commit, but, the harder he tried the more it gnawed at his mind. What would happen if he was caught? He took a deep breath and continued his way through the white blanket of snow that covered the ground. The silhouette of Fastings drew was drawing closer with every step. I felt the line about having to do this wasn’t necessary, and Greyclad is mentioned later in a more effective way. It seems to me that he would have an idea of what would happen if he is caught—he lives in this society. No need to say that a blanket of snow covered the ground, the reader will visualize it that way. I can’t figure out what time period this is—it might be helpful to just put a date (year, location) at the start of the narrative.

When he had finally arrived, he felt like a walking skeleton, the cold seeping through his bones and his teeth chattering with every step. He felt both weird, somewhat between reluctant and strangely excited by what he was about to do. He found the bakery he was looking for quickly enough and tip toed tiptoed around to the back. Feeling “weird” is telling, and doesn’t really show or describe the actual feeling.

 His belly groaned softly as his nostrils were filled with the smell of fresh bread. He glanced around anxiously, making sure that he was alone, which; to his relief, he was. later we learn that there is no bread in the bakery, so how can he smell fresh bread now?

So this was it, Tim thought. His heart beat was beating anxiously in his throat; within half an hour the baker would light the ovens and if Tim was not out by then, Greyclad would die. The “Tim thought” tag isn’t really necessary. The reader understands that we’re in his point of view and that this is his thinking.

Tim shrugged the ominous thought off; he needed to get in for starters. He inspected the back wall quickly; he had hoped for a hatchway or a door, but there was only a small window, too high for him to reach. Tim shifted his weight to another leg as he looked around (snip) The part about shifting his weight is overwriting—extreme detail that doesn’t contribute to the story/action/character. It doesn’t matter that he shifted his weight to the other leg.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Frankie--would you turn the page?

Still hoping for feedback on the approach my kitty-cat website takes--it's done in the voice of the character. The link was bad until yesterday, but you can click here for a visit.

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Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Frankie has sent the first chapter of The Musubi Murder

I wasn’t looking forward to kissing Jimmy Tanaka. I wished I’d thought of calling in sick.  Too late now. 

The Campus Dining Center’s 1970s air conditioning was no match for the humidity.  The air had that sour smell that my laundry gets when I don’t move it to the dryer quickly enough, and my blouse was sticking to my back.  I smoothed on my paper name tag, picked up the clear plastic clamshell with the plumeria lei coiled up inside, and scanned the room. 

In honor of the occasion, white tablecloths covered the round institutional tables, and the plasticware was the shiny silver kind.  Hundred thousand dollar donations don’t come around every day. The refreshment table featured an assortment of our new benefactor’s “Merrie Musubis.”  This was a politic touch on the part of our new dean (or more likely, Serena, his secretary). 

A musubi is a cube of rice topped with a slice of fried Spam.  From a distance, musubis look a lot like oversized pieces of sushi.  Up close, they’re delicious.  It was still early (for me) and my stomach wasn’t quite awake yet, but I couldn’t resist piling a few of them onto my plate.  Everything else on the table was standard Campus Dining Services fare: sulfite-soaked melon slices getting translucent around the edges; slabs of underbaked banana bread still sticky in the (snip)

Nope

Good writing, and I like the voice. I liked the opening line and the story question it raises, but it wasn’t enough. Later in the chapter she refers to the man to be kissed as “The Most Hated Man on the Island.” It would have been much stronger if that had been included.

But still, there was no particular tension other than an unwelcome kiss. The man, Tanaka, doesn’t show up for the ceremony, but there’s nothing in the chapter to hint at anything nefarious. It’s basically set-up and getting acquainted.

I think the real opening of the story happens in a later chapter, whenever something happens that brings trouble to this character. Look for that inciting incident and start there. You have all the narrative skills, now work on the storytelling side. Luck. Notes:

I wasn’t looking forward to kissing Jimmy Tanaka. I wished I’d thought of calling in sick.  Too late now. 

The Campus Dining Center’s 1970s air conditioning was no match for the humidity.  The air had that sour smell that my laundry gets when I don’t move it to the dryer quickly enough, and my blouse was sticking to my back.  I smoothed on my paper name tag, picked up the clear plastic clamshell with the plumeria lei coiled up inside, and scanned the room. While the dryer thing is a nice character touch, it doesn't really belong on the first page where everything needs to be devoted to engaging the reader in the story.

In honor of the occasion, white tablecloths covered the round institutional tables, and the plasticware was the shiny silver kind.  Hundred thousand dollar donations don’t come around every day. The refreshment table featured an assortment of our new benefactor’s “Merrie Musubis.”  This was a politic touch on the part of our new dean (or more likely, Serena, his secretary).  More nice detail that slows pace and takes up space that could be about story. Also, the benefactor is Tanaka, the person referenced in the opening, but it isn't at all clear here that he is the benefactor.

A musubi is a cube of rice topped with a slice of fried Spam.  From a distance, musubis look a lot like oversized pieces of sushi.  Up close, they’re delicious.  It was still early (for me) and my stomach wasn’t quite awake yet, but I couldn’t resist piling a few of them onto my plate.  Everything else on the table was standard Campus Dining Services fare: sulfite-soaked melon slices getting translucent around the edges; slabs of underbaked banana bread still sticky in the (snip) Aarg! All momentum lost on this description of food. Story! I wants my story"!

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Hey, look me over

Hi. I'm Patch, the cat who became, unfortunately, a vampire kitty-cat. And who also goofed on setting up the link that follows (paws are not terribly compatible with keyboards)--it's been fixed, so please take a look.

My associate Ray has generously loaned me this space to ask you if you'd please visit my new website and give us any feedback--but mostly, just enjoy it.

There's a video and a new photo album (send us your kitty-cat photos!).

Meanwhile, keep on purrin'

Patch

Flogometer for Scott--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Scott has sent the first chapter of Family Secrets

When you direct a psychiatric inpatient ward, whether it’s at Boston’s storied Trent University Hospital or not, you’ve got to be attuned to every nuance of the therapeutic milieu.  The safety of your patients and staff depends on it.

And so I noticed on my way to the library when the head nurse raised an eyebrow.  Especially because Laura Raino had been a little different somehow since she broke up with my assistant ward chief.

“Hey, Dr. Randall,” Laura said.  “Finish your session with Ryan Harper a little early?”

Ryan Harper had survived shooting himself in the head.  He’d leveraged his wife’s family fortune in a start-up business gamble and lost everything, including the wife and her family enclave and the funds to send his boys to college.  The motel room telephone startled him just as he pulled the trigger, and the bullet glanced off his skull and knocked him out.

He claimed he no longer wanted to die.  I could understand his earlier hopelessness and shame--I might feel the same way if I believed I’d failed my own family--but his sudden and unexplained reversal didn’t ring true.  Especially since his two stalwart teenage sons came to visit every day, and he barely acknowledged them.

“I didn’t have an appointment with Ryan.”

“Brandi said you did.” 

Close, but  . . .

Good writing, and I like the voice—confident and clear—and there is a story question raised: where is the patient? But I didn’t find that compelling enough—while these two people don’t know where he is, the narrative didn’t give me a strong sense of jeopardy. And it’s not clear that there’s a risk for the protagonist. I think the exposition about the patient’s problems saps the narrative of energy.

There aren’t a lot of nitpicks, so I did this: I simply cut out material to see if there was a page I’d turn within the existing narrative. There was, and it follows. It could use a couple of dialogue beats, but I’ll leave that to Scott to add. A second poll follows to see if this is an improvement in the page-turning department. It raises a very interesting story question about the protagonist, and inserts jeopardy for the patient. Let me know.

When you direct a psychiatric inpatient ward, you’ve got to be attuned to every nuance of the therapeutic milieu.  The safety of your patients and staff depends on it.

And so I noticed on my way to the library when the head nurse raised an eyebrow.  “Hey, Dr. Randall,” Laura said.  “Finish your session with Ryan Harper a little early?”

 “I didn’t have an appointment with Ryan.”

“Brandi said that’s why he’s not in Men’s Group.”

“Then where is he?”

She shook her head.

My stomach deserted its post for a new one near my tailbone. “Call an emergency community meeting,” I said.  “Maybe one of the other patients knows something.  We’ll organize the rest of the staff to search.”

Three minutes later we’d looked in every patient room and every staff office.  The other patients either didn’t know or weren’t saying. 

This was going to be bad if Ryan was still intent on killing himself, bad for everyone.  There would be a departmental level Critical Incident Review.  I liked CIRs less than most doctors, because they could trigger an investigation of my credentials, and my credentials were not what you’d call…beyond reproach.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Kay--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Kay has sent the first chapter of a YA novel, The Letterman Jacket.

“Hey, Addison. You hear about Bobby Lund?”       

I had no idea who Bobby Lund even was, but I didn’t have a chance to do anything but shake my head no at Don Triptow while he hoisted himself onto the table to sit by me, because the bell rang a second later.

I glanced towards the front of the room when the bell finished clanging. Mr. Senier hadn’t stood up from behind his desk to start class yet. Hadn’t even looked up from the paper he was scribbling on.

I bumped Triptow with my shoulder. “So who’s Bobby Lund?”

Triptow glanced over at Mr. Senier, too. “A kid on the debate team.” Triptow kept his voice low, darting looks around the room to make sure no one was listening. “He was wearing a letterman jacket.”

“So what?”

“So what? He got jumped by the wheels, that’s what!” Triptow hissed.

The wheels. Just thinking those two words turned me cold. Who exactly did they think they were, anyway? If you asked them, they’d say they were part of the “in” crowd. The kids everyone knew by name. Oh, the wheels were well known at West High, all right. Known for being thugs and bullies, that is. There were ten of them this year, and all of them were on the (snip)

Nope

While the voice is strong and the writing good, and we do start with an immediate scene, well, not much happens. It’s all talk, and it doesn’t concern the protagonist; there’s nothing to hint at trouble ahead—unless you want to assume that the wheels will eventually mean trouble for him, but eventually doesn’t exactly lead to tension.

I read through the rest of the chapter and came to the conclusion that Kay has started way too soon. In the rest of the chapter, the character talks with his friend some more about class, the wheels, a potential job (they’re high-school seniors), and completes a class assignment. But nothing happens that causes any trouble for the character.

This reminds me of when I brought the third chapter of one of my novels into my critique group and one member said, “The story starts here.” It took me a couple of months to get past denial, but he was right. I rewrote to start the chapter there, and it worked a lot better.

Kay, look for the moment (the inciting incident) where things go wrong for your character and he has to take action (which goes wrong) and start as close to that as possible. A few notes:

Triptow said, “Hey, Addison. You hear about Bobby Lund?” it wouldn’t hurt to attribute this dialogue and include a beat that helps the scene. Attribution would give us a name, too, without needing to try to slip it in later.

I had no idea who Bobby Lund even was, but I didn’t have a chance to do anything but shake my head no at Don Triptow while he hoisted himself onto the table to sit by me, because the bell rang a second later. POV hiccup—he wouldn’t normally think of his friend by both of his names. Also, since the narrative consistently refers to him as “Triptow,” then you should stick with that. Generally speaking, it’s a good idea to use just one name for a character, especially when introducing them. For example, the chapter starts out with the narrator being called “Addison,” which could be a first name, but it turns out that his name is Ben. If Don is always going to be called “Triptow” in the story, then there is no reason to introduce his first name. Also, this is a complicated sentence that might play better if broken up. I had no idea who Bobby Lund was, so I shook my head no. The bell rang to start print class and Triptow hoisted himself up to sit by me on the table.

I glanced towards the front of the room when the bell finished clanging. Mr. Senier hadn’t stood up from behind his desk to start class yet, so Hadn’t even looked up from the paper he was scribbling on. I bumped Triptow with my shoulder. “So wWho’s Bobby Lund?” Seems like detail that doesn’t really advance the story, and the paragraphs could be combined for a crisper pace.

Triptow glanced over at Mr. Senier, too. “A kid on the debate team.” Triptow kept his voice low, darting looks around the room to make sure no one was listening. “He was wearing a letterman jacket.” The information that he was making sure no one was listening is a break in point of view—Addison can’t know why he’s darting looks around the room, he can only assume why.

“So what?”

“So what? He got jumped by the wheels, that’s what!” Triptow hissed.

The wheels. Just thinking those two words turned me cold. Who exactly did they think they were, anyway? If you asked them, they’d say they were part of the “in” crowd. The kids everyone knew by name. Oh, the wheels were well known at West High, all right. Known for being thugs and bullies, that is. There were ten of them this year, and all of them were on the (snip) a lot of set-up exposition going on here, but nothing much happening

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Please give this your consideration

Nominations are now open for the 7th annual Top 10 Blogs for Writers Contest—the blogosphere’s biggest contest for writing blogs.

How to Nominate Your Favorite Writing Blog:

→ Nominate your favorite blog in the comment section.
→ You have only one vote (only your first will be counted).
→ Please include the web address of the blog.
→ Explain why you think the blog is worthy of winning this year’s award.

To make the cut, a blog must be nominated more than once.

Nominations must be received by 3 December, 2012.

Go here to nominate your, ahem, favorite writing blog.

Thanks,

Ray

Flogometer for Jill--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Jill has sent the first chapter of The Truth Reflex.

The weird thing was this: Sesh’s hair was blond again.

Like in the documentaries, before the murders.

Rhino stood with the aloof, heartsick girl inside a hollow Douglas fir, breath-puffs apart, his heart pounding so hard he felt it in his eardrums. Fir needles speckled her hair, tears single-striped her cheeks—and a golden bullet, lipstick-tube long, lay in her upturned palm.

Rhino reached for it, brushing Sesh’s icy hand. Holy ultra touch of heaven.

Suddenly the bullet became a mirror. What the—  Rhino looked into it and froze. No. Holy no. It can’t be. He dropped the mirror, struggled for breath—and woke, gasping loudly.

Whoa! Not a good way to start the day.

Gulping down a swallow, he heard Tracker’s sheets rustling below, Michael’s wheezy snore across the darkened room. See? Calm down. You’re okay. He sucked in air again. You’re Rhino Rodgers. You’re at the School of Benevolent Leadership. You’re sixteen. You’re on a sweat-soaked mattress on the top bunk. Your best friend is thrashing in his sleep beneath you. You’re obsessed with a girl who will hate you if she finds out who you are.

Much better. Yes. Reality. Rhino closed his mouth, trying to calm his breath and slow his heartbeat, and suddenly the simmering ingredients of his dream coalesced and Rhino stopped breathing altogether:  He knew where to find a Mind Changer. A bullet that turned into a mirror.

Yes

I know that there are those who think it’s never appropriate to open a story with a dream, but I’m not one of them. Full disclosure: my novel, We the Enemy, opens with a dream. But, like this one, it’s only a few lines long, and it does impact the story.

The writing is strong, and so is the voice. And, for me, a couple of story questions were raised that I wanted more about—the girl who would hate him and why, and what a Mind Changer was. brief notes:

The weird thing was this: Sesh’s hair was blond again.

Like in the documentaries, before the murders. a good tease, promises more—be sure to deliver, though.

Rhino stood with the aloof, heartsick girl inside a hollow Douglas fir, breath-puffs apart, his heart pounding so hard he felt it in his eardrums. Fir needles speckled her hair, tears single-striped her cheeks—and a golden bullet, lipstick-tube long, lay in her upturned palm.

Rhino reached for it, brushing Sesh’s icy hand. Holy ultra touch of heaven.

Suddenly the bullet became a mirror. What the—  Rhino looked into it and froze. No. Holy no. It can’t be. He dropped the mirror, struggled for breath—and woke, gasping loudly. I found it frustrating to not be allowed to see “it”—whatever it was that he saw in the mirror that caused him to drop it. I think you should show the reader—after all, the goal is to immerse the reader into the character’s experience, and you can’t do that if you leave key parts out.

Whoa! Not a good way to start the day.

Gulping down a swallow, h He heard Tracker’s sheets rustling below, Michael’s wheezy snore across the darkened room. See? Calm down. You’re okay. He sucked in air again. You’re Rhino Rodgers. You’re at the School of Benevolent Leadership. You’re sixteen. You’re on a sweat-soaked mattress on the top bunk. Your best friend is thrashing in his sleep beneath you. You’re obsessed with a girl who will hate you if she finds out who you are. So now I want to find out what he is, too.

Much better. Yes. Reality. Rhino closed his mouth, trying to calm his breath and slow his heartbeat, and suddenly the simmering ingredients of his dream coalesced and Rhino stopped breathing altogether:  He knew where to find a Mind Changer. A bullet that turned into a mirror.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Experiential description, part 2

My monthly post over at Writer Unboxed is about the technique I call experiential description. Thought it might be of interest to you.

For what it's worth.

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Alissa--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Alissa has sent the first chapter of The Rabbit Chronicles.

White Rider tower housed a famed sentry, Venice Foster. The human.

Venice grinned, feeling luxury course through his veins as he beheld The Grand Wall stretching in the distance. His tower rose over Afonbost, city of dazzling lights and sky-breaking towers. Bedded down between coverlets of broad woodland, the prosperous vicinity glimmered gold. Of course, he thought. Like none other this city, birthed from hands of an extraordinary race, would shine. Merchants and traders from all corners of the far flung world were drawn here by promises of foreign wonders and the glimmer of diamonds.

A soft raping on the door caught his ear. "Ryn,” Venice said, standing up in surprise. “What are you doing here at this hour?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” the pale youth mumbled, huffing into the room, his broad shoulders drooped.

Venice nodded in understanding. “Your brother keeping you up with the dreams?”

Ryn nodded, his fur moved with his head, as white as a fresh snowfall. “Is sleep the most important night of my life too much to ask?”

“It’s not his fault.” Venice said. In part, Ryn’s own senses were the problem. As a rabbit, a Moddick, as his race preferred to be called, hearing was one of Ryn’s most finely attuned senses.

“I wish I were a snake. Snakes are deaf!” Ryn laughed, seemingly at the thought of  (snip)

Nope

This is an engaging world with interesting characters, but for this reader there wasn’t anything in the way of story questions raised or tension. Several pages of exposition follow until, on the sixth page, a giant creature attacks. Seems to me that needs to come up front. The leisurely description of the city is nice, but doesn’t do much to further story. While the scene needs to be set, here I think it could have been much briefer. And there were other issues. Notes:

White Rider tower housed a famed sentry, Venice Foster. The human. I just didn’t get what this was. It’s sort of like a headline. It’s from the author, it seems, not the character. Confused me.

Venice grinned, feeling luxury course through his veins as he beheld The Grand Wall stretching in the distance. His tower rose over Afonbost, city of dazzling lights and sky-breaking towers. Bedded down between coverlets of broad woodland, the prosperous vicinity glimmered gold. Of course, he thought. Like none other this city, birthed from hands of an extraordinary race, would shine. Merchants and traders from all corners of the far flung world were drawn here by promises of foreign wonders and the glimmer of diamonds. as indicated, I think there’s far too much narrative spent on the description of the city. I think it could be done in just a few sentences.

A soft raping rapping on the door caught his ear. "Ryn,” Venice said, standing up in surprise. “What are you doing here at this hour?” How does he know it's Ryn if the door is closed? Also, “standing up in surprise” really doesn’t contribute—a touch of overwriting (details that doesn’t matter) Why doesn’t he say come in?

“Couldn’t sleep,” the pale youth mumbled, huffing into the room, his broad shoulders drooped.

Venice nodded in understanding. “Your brother keeping you up with the dreams?”

Ryn nodded, and his fur moved with his head, as white as a fresh snowfall. “Is sleep the most important night of my life too much to ask?” This alludes to something we don’t know about, so it doesn’t make a lot of sense. You might want to be specific. However, since the topic doesn’t relate to what happens next, what is it doing here?

“It’s not his fault.” Venice said. In part, Ryn’s own senses were the problem. As a rabbit, a Moddick, as his race preferred to be called, hearing was one of Ryn’s most finely attuned senses. This is fun

“I wish I were a snake. Snakes are deaf!” Ryn laughed, seemingly at the thought of  (snip) Yes, but where are the story questions? Nothing much is happening here, just two characters chatting about things we don’t know about.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Listen to the King

I came across an article by Stephen King on the art of using description to create imagery in fiction. It’s here, at Wordplayer.com.

Here’s a quote that really resonates with me, especially in the light of editing:

If I can say anything important to writers who are still learning the craft of fiction, it's this: imagery does not occur on the writer's page; it occurs in the reader's mind. To describe everything is to supply a photograph in words; to indicate the points which seem the most vivid and important to you, the writer, is to allow the reader to flesh out your sketch into a portrait.

And this:

Good description produces imagery, then. The next question that always comes is, "How do I know what details to include and which to leave out?" The answer to the question is simply stated but more difficult to apply: Leave in the details that impress you the most strongly; leave in the details you see the most clearly; leave everything else out.

Hallelujah. And this:

Too many beginning writers feel that they have to assume the entire burden of imagery; to become the reader's seeing-eye dog. That is simply not the case. Use vivid verbs. Avoid the passive voice. Avoid the cliché. Be specific. Be precise. Be elegant. Omit needless words. Most of these rules -- and the four hundred I haven't quoted -- will take care of themselves almost automatically if you will, from this point on, take two pledges: First, not to insult your reader's interior vision; and second, to see everything before you write it.

Read the whole thing. It’s a lesson from a master.

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey