Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Matthias has sent a revised first chapter of Tim Walkers. He sent the prologue and first chapter in August.
Matthias is in the Netherlands, and his English is self-taught.
Tim shivered as he tightened his shawl. He stared down at his feet, he worried that his dangerously blue-tinted toes might freeze off but continued to walk regardless. He had to do this, not just for himself but also for Greyclad. He tried not to think of the crime he was about to commit but, the harder he tried the more it gnawed at his mind. What would happen if he was caught? He took a deep breath and continued his way through the white blanket of snow that covered the ground. The silhouette of Fastings was drawing closer with every step.
When he had finally arrived, he felt like a walking skeleton, the cold seeping through his bones and his teeth chattering with every step. He felt weird, somewhat between reluctant and strangely excited by what he was about to do. He found the bakery he was looking for quickly enough and tip toed around the back.
His belly groaned softly as his nostrils were filled with the smell of fresh bread. He glanced around anxiously, making sure that he was alone, which; to his relief, he was.
So this was it, Tim thought. His heart was beating anxiously in his throat; within half an hour the baker would light the ovens and if he was not out by then, Greyclad would die.
Tim shrugged the ominous thought off, he needed to get in for starters. He inspected the back wall quickly, he had hoped for a hatchway or a door but there was only a small window, too high for him to reach. Tim shifted his weight to another leg as he looked around (snip)
Yes on the story
While the writing needs work, I think Matthias did a fine job of creating a sense of a character and raising story questions—a boy stealing so that Greyclad, whoever that is (a story question) would not die (why was he going to die), a noble motive.
I’ll do some notes, but want to suggest to Matthias that he avoid adverbs in general.
Tim shivered as he tightened his shawl. He stared down at his feet, he worried that his dangerously blue-tinted toes might freeze off, but he continued to walk regardless. He had to do this, not just for himself but also for Greyclad. He tried not to think of the crime he was about to commit, but, the harder he tried the more it gnawed at his mind. What would happen if he was caught? He took a deep breath and continued his way through the white blanket of snow that covered the ground. The silhouette of Fastings drew was drawing closer with every step. I felt the line about having to do this wasn’t necessary, and Greyclad is mentioned later in a more effective way. It seems to me that he would have an idea of what would happen if he is caught—he lives in this society. No need to say that a blanket of snow covered the ground, the reader will visualize it that way. I can’t figure out what time period this is—it might be helpful to just put a date (year, location) at the start of the narrative.
When he had finally arrived, he felt like a walking skeleton, the cold seeping through his bones and his teeth chattering with every step. He felt both weird, somewhat between reluctant and strangely excited by what he was about to do. He found the bakery he was looking for quickly enough and tip toed tiptoed around to the back. Feeling “weird” is telling, and doesn’t really show or describe the actual feeling.
His belly groaned softly as his nostrils were filled with the smell of fresh bread. He glanced around anxiously, making sure that he was alone, which; to his relief, he was. later we learn that there is no bread in the bakery, so how can he smell fresh bread now?
So this was it, Tim thought. His heart beat was beating anxiously in his throat; within half an hour the baker would light the ovens and if Tim was not out by then, Greyclad would die. The “Tim thought” tag isn’t really necessary. The reader understands that we’re in his point of view and that this is his thinking.
Tim shrugged the ominous thought off; he needed to get in for starters. He inspected the back wall quickly; he had hoped for a hatchway or a door, but there was only a small window, too high for him to reach. Tim shifted his weight to another leg as he looked around (snip) The part about shifting his weight is overwriting—extreme detail that doesn’t contribute to the story/action/character. It doesn’t matter that he shifted his weight to the other leg.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey