Still hoping for feedback on the approach my kitty-cat website takes--it's done in the voice of the character. The link was bad until yesterday, but you can click here for a visit.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Frankie has sent the first chapter of The Musubi Murder
I wasn’t looking forward to kissing Jimmy Tanaka. I wished I’d thought of calling in sick. Too late now.
The Campus Dining Center’s 1970s air conditioning was no match for the humidity. The air had that sour smell that my laundry gets when I don’t move it to the dryer quickly enough, and my blouse was sticking to my back. I smoothed on my paper name tag, picked up the clear plastic clamshell with the plumeria lei coiled up inside, and scanned the room.
In honor of the occasion, white tablecloths covered the round institutional tables, and the plasticware was the shiny silver kind. Hundred thousand dollar donations don’t come around every day. The refreshment table featured an assortment of our new benefactor’s “Merrie Musubis.” This was a politic touch on the part of our new dean (or more likely, Serena, his secretary).
A musubi is a cube of rice topped with a slice of fried Spam. From a distance, musubis look a lot like oversized pieces of sushi. Up close, they’re delicious. It was still early (for me) and my stomach wasn’t quite awake yet, but I couldn’t resist piling a few of them onto my plate. Everything else on the table was standard Campus Dining Services fare: sulfite-soaked melon slices getting translucent around the edges; slabs of underbaked banana bread still sticky in the (snip)
Nope
Good writing, and I like the voice. I liked the opening line and the story question it raises, but it wasn’t enough. Later in the chapter she refers to the man to be kissed as “The Most Hated Man on the Island.” It would have been much stronger if that had been included.
But still, there was no particular tension other than an unwelcome kiss. The man, Tanaka, doesn’t show up for the ceremony, but there’s nothing in the chapter to hint at anything nefarious. It’s basically set-up and getting acquainted.
I think the real opening of the story happens in a later chapter, whenever something happens that brings trouble to this character. Look for that inciting incident and start there. You have all the narrative skills, now work on the storytelling side. Luck. Notes:
I wasn’t looking forward to kissing Jimmy Tanaka. I wished I’d thought of calling in sick. Too late now.
The Campus Dining Center’s 1970s air conditioning was no match for the humidity. The air had that sour smell that my laundry gets when I don’t move it to the dryer quickly enough, and my blouse was sticking to my back. I smoothed on my paper name tag, picked up the clear plastic clamshell with the plumeria lei coiled up inside, and scanned the room. While the dryer thing is a nice character touch, it doesn't really belong on the first page where everything needs to be devoted to engaging the reader in the story.
In honor of the occasion, white tablecloths covered the round institutional tables, and the plasticware was the shiny silver kind. Hundred thousand dollar donations don’t come around every day. The refreshment table featured an assortment of our new benefactor’s “Merrie Musubis.” This was a politic touch on the part of our new dean (or more likely, Serena, his secretary). More nice detail that slows pace and takes up space that could be about story. Also, the benefactor is Tanaka, the person referenced in the opening, but it isn't at all clear here that he is the benefactor.
A musubi is a cube of rice topped with a slice of fried Spam. From a distance, musubis look a lot like oversized pieces of sushi. Up close, they’re delicious. It was still early (for me) and my stomach wasn’t quite awake yet, but I couldn’t resist piling a few of them onto my plate. Everything else on the table was standard Campus Dining Services fare: sulfite-soaked melon slices getting translucent around the edges; slabs of underbaked banana bread still sticky in the (snip) Aarg! All momentum lost on this description of food. Story! I wants my story"!
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey