I just returned from doing my Crafting Killer Description and Dialogue workshop at Write on the Sound to a sold-out class of 75 (though I think there were actually about 85 there), and I had a great time.
The conference is very well done (they've been at it for, I think, 28 years). It's small and intimate, and the presenters tend to be excellent. One big benefit for me is being about to attend other workshops while I'm there. In particular, I enjoyed workshops by Steve White, an author who talked about suspense, Jessica Morrell, author and developmental editor (like me), who talked about creating conflict, and Ron Gompertz, an author and Indie publisher who gave an info-packed presentation on navigating Amazon to maximize your sales and exposure.
Mostly it was a treat to spend two days talking (and listening) about writing in a lovely location on the Puget Sound. Lucky me.
Submissions invited: If
you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your
submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Cat has sent chapter 1 of Magnificent Rage.
So. The old man was finally
dead.
Miles Lanneville scanned the
obituary Jill had circled in red ink and adorned with exclamation marks. It was
short and to the point. The bastard would have loved it. Hell, he’d probably
dictated it on his deathbed.
Ambrose Lanneville’s heart
stopped beating on the last day of August, the same day that it had begun 75
years earlier.
The old man had come full
circle, a full, closed circle, as black and rotten as his soul.
Miles tossed the section back
to Jill. She sat at the round kitchen table in a splash of morning sunlight,
her legs propped on a chair, one hand lightly rubbing her round belly, red pen
in the other. She glanced at the paper, then at him. "I can't believe no
one called you. To learn about your father's death in the paper--"
He shook his head and swirled
the coffee in his mug. If not for Jill's penchant for reading obituaries, he
wouldn't have found out at all. "But you see, Jill, he wasn't really my
father. The last time we spoke, maybe seven, eight years ago, he clearly told
me so. 'I'm not your father.' he said. 'The man who begat you, but not your
father.'"
The pen slid from Jill’s hand
and hit the table with a thunk. "What a terrible, hurtful thing to say to
a son!" Her lower lip trembled. Those gorgeous lips were what had first
attracted Miles.
Not this time
There’s nice writing here,
and the narrative flows pretty well. But there is some repetition and maybe
some description that tries a little too hard for my taste (remember, this is
subjective). But the primary reason is that there’s no real story question
raised here in terms of the protagonist’s life. I wasn’t wondering what would
happen next. The rest of the chapter is also nicely done set-up. I suggest
starting the story later and slipping in whatever you need from this material
as you immerse the reader in a character’s experience. Notes:
So. The old man was finally
dead.
Miles Lanneville scanned the
obituary Jill had circled in red ink and adorned with exclamation marks. It was
short and to the point. The bastard would have loved it. Hell, he’d probably
dictated it on his deathbed.
Ambrose Lanneville’s heart
stopped beating on the last day of August, the same day that it had begun 75
years earlier.
The old man had come full
circle, a full, closed circle, as black and rotten as his soul.
Miles tossed the section back
to Jill. She sat at the round kitchen table in a splash of morning sunlight,
her legs propped on a chair, one hand lightly rubbing her round belly,
red pen in the other. She glanced at the paper, then at him. "I can't
believe no one called you. To learn about your father's death in the
paper--" for
me, “splash of morning sunlight” called attention to the writing, not what was
happening
He shook his head and
swirled the coffee in his mug. If not for Jill's penchant for reading
obituaries, he wouldn't have found out at all. "But you see, Jill, he
wasn't really my father. The last time we spoke, maybe seven, eight years ago,
he clearly told me so. 'I'm not your father,' he said. 'The man who begat you,
but not your father.'" The swirling doesn’t really contribute. If you want to
add a dialogue beat, make it contribute to the action or characterization or
story. This doesn’t.
The pen slid from Jill’s hand
and hit the table with a thunk. "What a terrible, hurtful thing to say to
a son!" Her lower lip trembled. Those gorgeous lips were what had first
attracted Miles. The
pen sliding and thunking is also a bit of overwriting—detail that doesn’t
really contribute. I’d rather see a scowl on her face or other behavior that
characterizes her and her thinking. Those gorgeous lips is a bit over the top for me. I look at my wife that way, and like her lips a bunch, but I think of them as "her lips."
Submissions invited: If
you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your
submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Grace has sent chapter 1 of Devil’s Dagger.
“How’s Satan?”
Matt jumped at the voice and fell to the ground, flat on his back. His mind
went blank, erasing the final image of a murder that had occurred hours ago on
Earth, leaving his head pounding so much he screamed. Looking into the past had
always felt like daydreaming, but this time a volcano was erupting in his
skull.
After a moment, the pain faded enough so he could think again.
What happened? Matt thought. What went wrong? Am I alive?
When he opened his eyes, a bodily figure was standing over him, so transparent
it was almost impossible to see. There were some human qualities, such as
facial features and limbs, but everything else was indescribable. A strange
warmth seemed to emit from the figure, both calming and unsettling at the same
time.
Matt stared up at the Archangel Raziel in shock, wondering why he looked so
ghostly. He sat up, his head swimming for a moment, and saw that the forests,
meadows, and streams were gone. A vast whiteness loomed in its place, and the
baby blue sky--forever without celestial body--was devoid of the gold and
silver birds that traveled its current.
Heaven was nothing like it should be.
Yes.
After one of the better
opening lines I’ve seen, this goes on to bring in plenty of story questions and
a unique view of Heaven. The voice is nice and the writing good, though I felt
a need for a little clarity in the scene-setting paragraph. Fun work. Notes:
“How’s Satan?”
Matt jumped at the voice and fell to the ground, flat on his back. His mind
went blank, erasing the final image of a murder that had occurred hours ago on
Earth, leaving his head pounding so much he had screamed.
Looking into the past had always felt like daydreaming, but this time a volcano
was erupting in his skull.
After a moment, the pain faded enough so he could think again.
What happened? Matt thought. What went wrong? Am I alive?
When he opened his eyes, a bodily figure was standingstood over him, so transparent it was almost
impossible to see. There were some human qualities, such as facial
features and limbs, but everything else was indescribable. A strange warmth
seemed to emit from the figure, both calming and unsettling at the same time. “bodily”
confused me—“figure” does the job fine since it is quickly followed with
features that suggest a human form. “some” is a vague, useless word most of the
time, and it is here. “strange warmth” doesn’t really give you any meaning,
does it?—either look for an adjective that gives the experience of the warmth or
use none at all
Matt stared up at the Archangel Raziel in shock, wondering why he looked
so ghostly. He sat up, his head swimming for a moment, and saw that the
forests, meadows, and streams were gone. A vast whiteness loomed in its place,
and the baby blue sky--forever without celestial body--was devoid of the gold
and silver birds that traveled its current. “head
swimming” is a bit of a cliché, look for a fresh way to describe it.The description of forests, etc. leads
(misleads) us to think we’re on a regulation planet, perhaps not Earth because
of the lack of a celestial body, which could be the moon.
Heaven was nothing like it shouldused to
be. I think the previous paragraph was
set-up to give this line, which I liked, more impact. But I didn’t think it was
good storytelling. It would have grounded this reader sooner and better if
Heaven had been mention in the previous paragraph, for example, … saw that
Heaven’s forests, meadows, and streams were gone. Secondly, the “should” could mean that it doesn’t match up with his
expectations, which is not the case. It doesn’t look the way he knows it from
the past (he’s an angel too), so this could be more clear.