Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Melissa has sent a revision of her previous opening.
September, 1943
Celia Baldwin stared at the newspaper article in disbelief. Of all the nerve!
“The decision to permanently keep Miss Baldwin on as museum director of Tallulah House is still undecided,” Mrs. Macintosh said. “We will make our final decision after the festival.”
Since when was her job temporary? Surely John hadn’t left out that little tidbit when he hired her three months ago. Otherwise she never would have packed everything she owned and left New York City to move to this small Nebraska town. No, this had to be Mrs. Macintosh trying to cause trouble again. At least she hoped so.
Irritation and more than a little fear pricked her arms. She couldn’t go back to New York. There was nothing and no one there for her. Meadow Hills was her home now.
Deep breaths, sister. Don’t let her win.
Celia laid her forehead on her desk and groaned. Oh, how she did not want to confront that woman. Maybe she’d catch a break and Mrs. Macintosh wouldn’t come to tonight’s board meeting due to some particularly nasty flu bug.
An accusing pair of eyes stared at her, and Celia dragged her gaze up to the portrait of Tallulah Elvira Stanwick on the opposite wall.
Improved
I think this opening is better, and it does allude to troubles ahead for the protagonist. But I still didn’t turn the page. The narrative seemed to be turning toward exposition, and I wanted more. I also wanted the protagonist to be more of a fighter.
Since the writing is good, I concentrated on looking through the chapter for possibly stronger elements. With a little editing, I concocted the following opening page. Take a look and vote.
September, 1943
Celia Baldwin stared at the newspaper article in disbelief. Of all the nerve!
“The decision to keep Miss Baldwin on as museum director of Tallulah House is still undecided,” Mrs. Macintosh said. “We will make our final decision after the festival.”
Since when was her job temporary? Surely John hadn’t left out that little tidbit when he hired her. Otherwise she never would have packed everything she owned and left New York City to move to a small Nebraska town. She couldn’t go back. There was nothing and no one there for her. Meadow Hills was her home now.
Snatching the paper off her desk, Celia strode into the museum’s Victorian kitchen--white cupboards, elaborate crown molding, and patterned black and white tiled floor. One of her tour guides, Jenni, was pouring coffee into a silver filter, and a peanut butter chocolate cake cooled on the table next to a bowl of frosting.
“Did you see this?” Celia asked, brandishing the paper.
Jenni nodded. “You know why she said it, don’t you?”
“Because she hates me?” Celia threw the paper into the trash. “I don’t know of any other reason.”
“I do. She wants your job.”
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey
With this we have clear conflict coming our way. I do wish the stakes could be a little more clear, a little higher, as in what the problem with going back to New York really is.