Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Cheryl has sent chapter 1 of Rogue Dog
Haydar paused, raising a hand to still the branch that trembled after the bag on his shoulder had brushed against it. The sound of men talking floated on the air. He discerned at least four different voices, without being able to determine a word. Exhaling, he narrowed his eyes. No one should be here. No one expected or welcome at any rate. And certainly not a loud group of men.
Delicately he picked up his foot and set it back, retracing his footsteps precisely. After several steps, he'd melted unnoticed into the forest, leaving his hut to the interlopers. They could have whatever they were smart enough to find. He could replace everything, eventually. His jaw tightened. Although he hoped they failed to find the cache hidden under his bed.
Glancing up, he determined there were three hours of daylight left. Enough time to make it to his site D - which happened to be a cave. He picked that alternate site rather than one closer since it was going to rain and he didn't really want to vacate his home and spend a miserably wet night. Even in summer, a rainstorm on Priene Island could get nasty with the wind howling from the Bay.
The climb to the cave soon had him panting, but he heard and saw no one following. The slippery scree and steep slope meant it was unlikely anyone would venture up, especially once it got wet. Scrambling up the arduous slope, he was grateful the rain hadn't yet started. Reaching a (snip)
Nope
There are good things about this opening, and there is some tension and a story question raised. The writing is sound, though perhaps there’s a little too much of it for my taste. Why not turn the page? Even though there is some mystery about the men, Haydar leaves, apparently safely. And there’s no real suggestion of negative consequences if he encounters the men.
For the rest of the chapter, he goes to a cave and stays safely for a couple of days, then returns to his hut and the men are still there. And he finally encounters them and learns what they want. For this reader, all that time spent at the cave covering backstory was a waste of time. Get on with the story. I suggest you open with Haydar returning after a few days away to discover the men and have the confrontation right there—they are carrying swords, and he was a killer who was hunted. Notes:
Haydar paused, raising a hand to still the branch that trembled after the bag on his shoulder had brushed against it. The sound of men talking floated on the air. He discerned at least four different voices, without being able to determine a word. Exhaling, he narrowed his eyes. No one should be here. No one expected or welcome at any rate. And certainly not a loud group of men. For me, there’s some overwriting here. For example, the complicated way the first sentence explains a relatively simple action. Thoughtstarter: Haydar brushed against a branch, and he stilled it so the motion wouldn’t be seen by the men at his hut. He discerned at least four different voices…etc.
Delicately he picked up his foot and He stepped it back, retracing and retraced his footsteps precisely. After several steps, he'd melted unnoticed into the forest, leaving his hut to the interlopers. They could have whatever they were smart enough to find. He could replace everything, eventually. His jaw tightened. Although he He hoped they failed to find the cache hidden under his bed. “His jaw tightened.” Is more of an observation from outside. How about something more from him such as: He gritted his teeth.
Glancing up, he determined there There were three hours of daylight left. Enough time to make it to his site D - which happened to be a cave. He picked that alternate site rather than one closer since it was going to rain and he didn't really want to vacate his home and spend a miserably wet night. Even in summer, a rainstorm on Priene Island could get nasty with the wind howling from the Bay.
The climb to the cave soon had him panting, but he heard and saw no one following. The slippery scree and steep slope meant it was unlikely anyone would venture up, especially once it got wet. Scrambling up the arduous slope, he was grateful the rain hadn't yet started. Reaching a (snip) The tension ebbs here with no pursuit and what appears to be him safely getting away.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey