Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Nate--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

Nate has sent the first chapter of

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The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Nate has sent the first chapter of Ascending, an epic fantasy.

Already it had been a night filled with blood, tears and pain.

King Ronan Munro spent the long hours of his son’s birth as he had for other births in the past: sitting alone in his favourite study, facing the lone window and praying to the more benevolent gods. Six times he had been through this tiresome process, and now a seventh. Close enough to bear witness to the agony of his Queen, yet far enough away not to have to face it directly. Battles were one thing, childbirth clearly another.

The wailing of his child had begun long after the screams of its mother, but fortunately had not lasted as long. Silence held for some moments before the midwife entered with the swaddled infant. The woman was dressed plainly, stout wool and leather shoes, smeared with dark red stains, evidence of her recent endeavour. Her hair had come loose from its braids and clung to her face and neck. Her wrinkled face was flushed, as though she had run down the halls carrying a heavy load. Ronan noticed this as she advanced with his child, and he thought that the midwife must have worked as hard as the mother to bring him this gift.

When she lowered her offering into his hands, the silk still covered the baby’s tiny face, but there was gentle movement beneath. Using only one finger, he moved the fabric aside to gaze intently into his son’s face. What kind of man would this be? Would he be strong or harsh, humble or vain? Kindness and loyalty could be inherited from his mother, along with vanity and (snip)

Yes, but . . .

I gave it a yes despite a lower level of tension on the page. One reason why was the voice and the sure, strong writing. Another is that epic fantasy often starts with less upfront tension and action. On the other hand, it was clear to me that this was the birth of the focus of the novel, and the king’s questions about what kind of man would he be were good enough for me.

However, I think more could be done. Sacrifice a little description, if you must, but include in this narrative the king’s anxiety (we learn about this later) about finally, after six children, having an heir. That need, especially if connected with consequences if he does not sire an heir, would help raise the tension level. Another aspect that might be brought in is that the queen, for whom he truly is concerned, may have come to the end of her ability to produce an heir.

Get some of that on the first page and I’ll feel even better. Some brief notes, mostly focused on tightening the narrative a little. In addition, and I don’t know if this is going for too much, but the baby has a tiny birthmark that could spell its doom and prevent it from becoming an heir. If that could be discovered on the first page, along with its meaning, then I think you’ll have something fairly irresistible.

Already it had been a night filled with blood, tears and pain.

King Ronan Munro spent the long hours of his son’s birth as he had for other births in the past: sitting alone in his favourite study, facing the lone window and praying to the more benevolent gods. Six times he had been through this tiresome process, and now a seventh. Close enough to bear witness to the agony of his Queen, yet far enough away not to have to face it directly. Battles were one thing, childbirth clearly another. Since the number of births is mentioned here, it provides an opportunity to bring in the hope/need for an heir this time, and the consequences.

The wailing of his child had begun long after the screams of its mother, but fortunately had not lasted as long. Silence held for some moments before the midwife entered with the swaddled infant. The woman was dressed plainly, stout wool and leather shoes, smeared with dark red stains, evidence of her recent endeavour. Her hair had come loose from its braids and clung to her face and neck. Her wrinkled face was flushed, as though she had run down the halls carrying a heavy load. Ronan noticed this as she advanced with his child, and he thought that the midwife must have worked as hard as the mother to bring him this gift.

When she lowered her offering into his hands, the silk still covered the baby’s tiny face, but there was gentle movement beneath. Using only one finger, hHe moved the fabric aside to gaze intently into his son’s face. What kind of man would this be? Would he be strong or harsh, humble or vain? Kindness and loyalty could be inherited from his mother, along with vanity and (snip) "gaze intently" is using an adverb to try to describe when a better verb could do the job alone--for example, a simple "study" would probably give the reader a more clear visual of what he's doing.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

How not to critique a submission to FtQ

Following is a critique that appeared in recent comments on a FtQ submission. It illustrates several of the things NOT to do when criticizing writing, whether here or anywhere.

“I hate stories with lots of description, and this one is no exception. The description itself isn’t that great, either.

“I also don't like Magical/Paranormal stories, also. They're WAY too popular nowadays.”

Let’s start with “I hate.” That phrase and its more common expression, “I don’t like,” makes it personal. It’s not about the narrative any more, it’s personal, and that’s not in any way helpful to the writer. He or she can’t do anything about what you hate or don’t like.

Here, the critic hates lots of description. All a writer can take away from this is to cut down on description, which is also not terribly helpful. The critic goes on to make it personal again with “The description isn’t that great, either.” No help for the writer there.

If you want to contribute to a writer with a comment or critique, think of how you would like to receive it, what it would be helpful for you to know. In this case, to address what this critic said:

1. Instead of “I hate lots of description,” how about “The amount of description really slowed the pace for me and I lost interest.”
2. As for “The description isn’t that great,” there’s no guidance or help whatsoever in this negative shot. Give examples of the description that don’t work for you, or suggest other ways to do it, but don’t just stop by, piss on someone’s writing, and blithely move on.
3. Finally, your reading preferences have no place on FtQ or, for that matter, in a writing critique. This blog is about the craft of creating a compelling fiction narrative. To simply reject writing because the genre isn’t one you like is totally useless to the writer, as it is to simply accept it because it’s one you enjoy.

Good criticism is comes from clear-minded, thoughtful analysis of the narrative and a discussion of what does or doesn’t work to put a story into a reader’s mind. Genre really shouldn’t matter when you’re analyzing how it works—so please leave that part out.

The comments offered by FtQ readers are almost always helpful, and I truly appreciate their contributions. It speaks of the communal aspect of a very lonely art. So keep the crits coming, and keep them considerate and focused on craft.

Many thanks,

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Melissa--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Melissa has sent a revision of her previous opening.

September, 1943

Celia Baldwin stared at the newspaper article in disbelief. Of all the nerve!

“The decision to permanently keep Miss Baldwin on as museum director of Tallulah House is still undecided,” Mrs. Macintosh said. “We will make our final decision after the festival.”

Since when was her job temporary? Surely John hadn’t left out that little tidbit when he hired her three months ago. Otherwise she never would have packed everything she owned and left New York City to move to this small Nebraska town. No, this had to be Mrs. Macintosh trying to cause trouble again. At least she hoped so.

Irritation and more than a little fear pricked her arms. She couldn’t go back to New York. There was nothing and no one there for her. Meadow Hills was her home now.

 Deep breaths, sister. Don’t let her win.

Celia laid her forehead on her desk and groaned. Oh, how she did not want to confront that woman. Maybe she’d catch a break and Mrs. Macintosh wouldn’t come to tonight’s board meeting due to some particularly nasty flu bug.

An accusing pair of eyes stared at her, and Celia dragged her gaze up to the portrait of Tallulah Elvira Stanwick on the opposite wall. 

Improved

I think this opening is better, and it does allude to troubles ahead for the protagonist. But I still didn’t turn the page. The narrative seemed to be turning toward exposition, and I wanted more. I also wanted the protagonist to be more of a fighter.

Since the writing is good, I concentrated on looking through the chapter for possibly stronger elements. With a little editing, I concocted the following opening page. Take a look and vote.

September, 1943

Celia Baldwin stared at the newspaper article in disbelief. Of all the nerve!

“The decision to keep Miss Baldwin on as museum director of Tallulah House is still undecided,” Mrs. Macintosh said. “We will make our final decision after the festival.”

Since when was her job temporary? Surely John hadn’t left out that little tidbit when he hired her. Otherwise she never would have packed everything she owned and left New York City to move to a small Nebraska town. She couldn’t go back. There was nothing and no one there for her. Meadow Hills was her home now.

Snatching the paper off her desk, Celia strode into the museum’s Victorian kitchen--white cupboards, elaborate crown molding, and patterned black and white tiled floor. One of her tour guides, Jenni, was pouring coffee into a silver filter, and a peanut butter chocolate cake cooled on the table next to a bowl of frosting.

“Did you see this?” Celia asked, brandishing the paper.

Jenni nodded. “You know why she said it, don’t you?”

“Because she hates me?” Celia threw the paper into the trash. “I don’t know of any other reason.”

“I do. She wants your job.”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

With this we have clear conflict coming our way. I do wish the stakes could be a little more clear, a little higher, as in what the problem with going back to New York really is.

 

Flogometer for Kayla--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Kayla has sent this opening

The chilly, stagnant air of the basement hit my nose as Grandmother and me descended the creaking stairs. Even though she was approaching ninety she refused to give up these nighttime visits into the family’s sanctuary. At twelve they were easy for me to manage, but I wished she would put a stop to them for her own health.

In the cement basement there was nothing out of the ordinary here, just a ratty old couch, coffee table and a dusty TV. Yet as Grandmother and I stood on either side of the coffee table it began to change. The wooden table slowly began to turn into a tree stomp long enough for a person to stand on. The hidden tree stump is my family’s sanctuary.

It was the only place where the woman with powers of the mystic could flee to cast their spells. The sanctuary was where our family could tell stories of two moons without having to whisper them in fear. Our family was dwindling now, dying off and disappearing until it was only me and Grandmother.

The sanctuary was made of hard packed dirt, round and maybe thirty feet wide across. It was not prettily decorated, there were simply wooden shelves lining the ten foot high hole, and in them were vials and bottles of every ingredient we could ever hope for. There were also spell books of all sorts stacked on those shelves.  

Nope, although . . .

There are many interesting things in this opening, but it got bogged down in description. And there was no real tension. But there was on the next page—I would suggest substituting the following, taken from the next page, for the last two paragraphs:

Faint illumination came from the crystal clear water in the ten foot wide, two foot deep impression in the center of the room. It was our ‘cauldron’ if you will. Usually my grandmother simply explained spells or properties and uses of certain ingredients. But tonight there was an air of purpose around her as she gathered vials from the topmost shelves, a magicked breeze pushing her up high enough to reach them.

Something in her mood made me know that I would not like this spell. Death and pain is often a part of the family spells, a part that I wanted to forget about. She said, “Everyone dies, but few make use of their death. I am growing old and weak, I prefer to die on my time than on (snip)

With this, there’s enough to pull me forward. The other details can be worked in as the narrative flows. Setting the scene is important, but don’t squander that opening page on a flood of detail. Sketch it, then fill in later. Other notes on the first two paragraphs:

The chilly, stagnant air of the basement hit my nose as Grandmother and me descended the creaking stairs. Even though she was approaching ninety, she refused to give up these nighttime visits into the family’s sanctuary. At twelve they were easy for me to manage, but I wished she would put a stop to them for her own health. Unless there’s something significant about not quite being ninety, there’s no need for qualifying it—a definite statement is better.

In the cement basement, there was nothing out of the ordinary here, just a ratty old couch, coffee table and a dusty TV. Yet, as when Grandmother and I stood on either side of the coffee table, it began to change. The wooden table slowly began to turn turned into a tree stomp stump long enough for a person to stand on. The hidden tree stump is my family’s sanctuary.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

A book-selling dilemma

The "flogging" in the title of my blog refers not only to the writing of fiction, it refers to the marketing as well. I wrote about this recently on Writer Unboxed, but thought I'd seek your views, too.

At the Wordstock Festival at which I presented a novel, conducted a workshop, and took part in a panel, a large hall was filled with booths of publishers and booksellers. There were hundreds and hundreds of books stacked on scores of tables. I was able to offer my novel and writing book at Broadway Books. Unfortunately, I have been selling The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles (several sold at my previous two workshops and I hadn't restocked) and I was only able to bring 6 copies.

The thing is that, despite so many competing books on display, my little novel had sold 4 copies before the presentation, and immediately sold out after it, and after my panel discussion another person wanted it but was frustrated. Lesson learned about having plenty of books on hand.

Here’s the dilemma: In the flesh, the book attracts people and sells itself. I’ve sold 15 copies at my local animal clinic by just having it on a stand on the counter. A bookstore in Brookings, OR has sold 18 copies by, basically, just displaying it—readers are attracted to it and inquire about it.

But, it seems, not so much on the Internet at Amazon and the other vendors. Of course, I don’t know how many people actually come to the pages the book is on, but sales trickle. They don’t die, but they are far from viable.

But why not? The cover art is the same. You can “read inside” on Amazon just as a person can with the actual book in their hands.

It’s a puzzlement. There’s something about the title and book cover that invites picking up, but not clicking on.

What about you? How are you on buying in-the-flesh books versus buying online? What makes the difference if there is one? Do you see differences with your books?

Update--after a comment on thumbnails for the Internet: as a book designer, I'm well aware of that and design for it. Here are are two typical thumbnail sizes: 100 and 75 pixels wide. I think it holds up well. You can see the city skyline, and the title and author's name are legible. It does as well as most books--but no thumbnail can have the impact of a full-size book.

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Cheryl--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Cheryl has sent chapter 1 of Rogue Dog

Haydar paused, raising a hand to still the branch that trembled after the bag on his shoulder had brushed against it.  The sound of men talking floated on the air.  He discerned at least four different voices, without being able to determine a word.  Exhaling, he narrowed his eyes.  No one should be here.  No one expected or welcome at any rate.  And certainly not a loud group of men.

Delicately he picked up his foot and set it back, retracing his footsteps precisely.  After several steps, he'd melted unnoticed into the forest, leaving his hut to the interlopers.  They could have whatever they were smart enough to find.  He could replace everything, eventually.  His jaw tightened.  Although he hoped they failed to find the cache hidden under his bed. 

Glancing up, he determined there were three hours of daylight left.  Enough time to make it to his site D - which happened to be a cave.  He picked that alternate site rather than one closer since it was going to rain and he didn't really want to vacate his home and spend a miserably wet night.  Even in summer, a rainstorm on Priene Island could get nasty with the wind howling from the Bay.

The climb to the cave soon had him panting, but he heard and saw no one following.  The slippery scree and steep slope meant it was unlikely anyone would venture up, especially once it got wet.  Scrambling up the arduous slope, he was grateful the rain hadn't yet started.  Reaching a (snip)

Nope

There are good things about this opening, and there is some tension and a story question raised. The writing is sound, though perhaps there’s a little too much of it for my taste.  Why not turn the page? Even though there is some mystery about the men, Haydar leaves, apparently safely. And there’s no real suggestion of negative consequences if he encounters the men.

For the rest of the chapter, he goes to a cave and stays safely for a couple of days, then returns to his hut and the men are still there. And he finally encounters them and learns what they want. For this reader, all that time spent at the cave covering backstory was a waste of time. Get on with the story. I suggest you open with Haydar returning after a few days away to discover the men and have the confrontation right there—they are carrying swords, and he was a killer who was hunted. Notes:

Haydar paused, raising a hand to still the branch that trembled after the bag on his shoulder had brushed against it.  The sound of men talking floated on the air.  He discerned at least four different voices, without being able to determine a word.  Exhaling, he narrowed his eyes.  No one should be here.  No one expected or welcome at any rate.  And certainly not a loud group of men. For me, there’s some overwriting here. For example, the complicated way the first sentence explains a relatively simple action. Thoughtstarter: Haydar brushed against a branch, and he stilled it so the motion wouldn’t be seen by the men at his hut. He discerned at least four different voices…etc.

Delicately he picked up his foot and He stepped it back, retracing and retraced his footsteps precisely.  After several steps, he'd melted unnoticed into the forest, leaving his hut to the interlopers.  They could have whatever they were smart enough to find.  He could replace everything, eventually.  His jaw tightened.  Although he He hoped they failed to find the cache hidden under his bed.  “His jaw tightened.” Is more of an observation from outside. How about something more from him such as: He gritted his teeth.

Glancing up, he determined there There were three hours of daylight left.  Enough time to make it to his site D - which happened to be a cave.  He picked that alternate site rather than one closer since it was going to rain and he didn't really want to vacate his home and spend a miserably wet night.  Even in summer, a rainstorm on Priene Island could get nasty with the wind howling from the Bay.

The climb to the cave soon had him panting, but he heard and saw no one following.  The slippery scree and steep slope meant it was unlikely anyone would venture up, especially once it got wet.  Scrambling up the arduous slope, he was grateful the rain hadn't yet started.  Reaching a (snip) The tension ebbs here with no pursuit and what appears to be him safely getting away.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Laura--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Laura has sent chapter 1 of Bleeder (YA novel)

“Ow!” Angela recoiled as she slammed her finger in her locker door. “So it’s going to be one of those days again,” she said under her breath, shaking out the pain.

Piling up English papers, she noticed a faint burning sensation trickle down the injured finger. Panic invaded her mind and adrenaline pinched her stomach before she even looked down. She’d felt that burning before. She knew what she would see.

Dropping her books, Angela sunk down to the floor, leaning up against the bank of lockers. Sneakers rushed by and none of them seemed to notice that she was in her own private hell. She glanced at her finger.

“Dammit.” It was just what she’d feared- a flap of skin had been torn away and bright red welled up underneath, starting to slowly ooze down her knuckle. She desperately looked for something to wrap the injured finger in- not paper, not a book, not her sleeve…  what she needed was a Synthetix. Of course she didn’t have any. They might give her away. She decided to stick her finger in her mouth. The acidic, coppery taste assaulted her tongue as her mouth began to burn. She needed to get out, but the only way out of school was through the nurse’s office, and in order to go to the nurse’s office she needed a pass. A pass from a teacher.

Heart pounding, Angela tried to look casual as she walked down the hall with her finger in her mouth. Everybody seemed to be walking against her. Everybody seemed to be staring at (snip)

Nope

I think the clues that there’s something wrong are too subtle to raise strong story questions—Synthetix and blood burning her mouth just weren’t enough for me. Angela feels panic, but we have no clue why, nor do we have a feeling for why a hurt finger could be a serious problem.

Instead of notes, let me see if I can lift narrative from other parts of the chapter for a stronger opening. I may do some minimal editing. See what you think and vote.

“Ow!” Angela recoiled as she slammed her finger in her locker door. “So it’s going to be one of those days.” A flap of skin had been torn away and bright red welled up underneath.

She needed a Synthetix. Of course she didn’t have any. They might give her away. She stuck her finger in her mouth. The acidic, coppery taste assaulted her tongue as her mouth began to burn. She needed to get out, but the only way out of school was through the nurse’s office, and she needed a pass from a teacher to go to the nurse’s office.

Before walking into English class, she examined her injury. The blood was bright red against her swollen finger. And the nail was starting to turn black.

Inside, she went to the teacher’s desk. “Ms. Gartner, can I go to the nurse? I… I slammed my finger in my locker.”

She could feel the blood beginning to drip down her finger. She couldn’t let it fall. She couldn’t let them see. She was stuck.

Angela put her finger back in her mouth. Better the blood burn her mouth than the floor. Or a desk. Or another student. The teacher caught a glimpse of the spreading black.

“You need to leave,” Ms. Gartner said. Her voice shook. “Now!”

Whispers rippled from one side of the class to the other. "Do you think she’s got it?" "It’s impossible! She’s a girl!"

For me, this opening raises lots of interesting story questions, and it seems clear that her problem is serious and something I’ve never read about before. What is her condition? What is this world she’s in? What is her danger? I just did my killer first page workshop at Wordstock, and saw the same kind of thing—narratives that had the stuff of compelling openings buried later in the chapter.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Wordstock is a ton of fun

I was a busy fellow at last weekend's Wordstock Festival--first, my Killer First Page workshop (sold out, had a great time), presentation of my novel, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles (not many people, but one woman bought the last copy), and a panel on Author as Blogger.

The panel was fun, and I met some super people. Let me introduce them to you:

Sarah Gundell, creator of the Novel Novice blog, moderated the panel. A dynamic young woman, for sure.

 

Gilion Dumas, creator of the Rose City Reader blog, is a lawyer who reviews books. Very sharp woman, and I really like her writing on her blog.

And Stephanie Guerra, a young mother, teacher, and author of a YA novel, Torn. Her focus is on serving young people, and her dedication and talent showed.

It was good luck on my part to be with such talented people. I hope I can take part again next year. Wish me luck.

Ray

Flogometer for Tracey--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Tracey has sent chapter 1 of Float.

"Cupid, I do not understand you."

Cupid lifted his chin and stretched his spine to appear taller than his 5.6 inches. The minor god of love—minor meaning he was stuck pounding his skull against the stone corporate ceiling with the other minor level gods in the Mount Olympus temple bureaucracy—wanted to present a more regal appearance to his Aunt Hera. Hera was Zeus's wife and the Goddess-CEO of the entire corporation that comprised Mount Olympus, Inc. Hera was into appearances.

Hera didn't notice Cupid's posture, however. She was immersed in her desktop computer, clicking through screens. When she wasn't looking at her computer, she was tapping and swiping the front of her phone. When the phone became boring, she was peering down her aquiline nose at her tablet computer, which rested next to her elbow on her glass desk.

In fact, Hera had been distracted by electronic devices during their entire meeting.

Cupid began, "Aunt Hera—"

She cut him off. "I do not understand how you are valuable to Mount Olympus. Do you even have a Facebook profile, Cupid?"

"Yes, of course. I have a profile, Aunt Hera. You and I are friends."

She tapped her long nails on the keyboard in front of her. "I never see your posts or your pictures, nephew. Hermes—now there's a minor god who keeps up with his social media!"

Yes, but

Once again a delightful voice pulled me on. And this fun introduction to a new slant on the gods promises more fun to come. The “but” is this—I could use a little less telling of who is what and a little more of what this meeting means to Cupid—does he have a problem? Is he anticipating trouble? What does he need? We need at least one story question on this page.

I really don't have much in the way of notes, and I'm rushing out of here to drive 5 hours to make my  appearances at the Woodstock Festival in Portland, OR.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Kate--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Kate has sent chapter 1 of God Save Rehoboth.

“Oh my gawd, Lora, you won’t believe what I saw today in the supermarket!”

Clearly, she’d been reading the tabloids at the register again. She had that conspiratorial, indignant tone. She loved nothing more than to badmouth Hollywood’s latest starlet-harlots, presumably so I could glean a higher standard from her example.

“What, Ma?” I continued picking at my salad, feigning interest.

“They’re waxing their hoohoos now! They’re paying strangers to cover their hoohoos with hot wax!!” She put her napkin up to the side of her mouth so she could whisper the dirty part.

“It’s called a bikini wax, Ma. It’s for hair removal. Pubic hair.”

“Oh Jesus, God, Lora, don’t say pubic in public!”

Here we go.

Her eyes narrowed to slits as she sized me up, as if seeing me for the first time. Narrow slits turned to saucers, “For the love of God, Lora! Tell me you’re not in on this self-mutilation business! A woman’s body is God’s greenest pasture!”

I had no idea what this meant. What the hell could that mean?! For a distraction, I focused on the layers of paper napkin fluttering in her fevered breath, failing to fully muffle her conspiracy theory. The man at the next table stole a glance in our direction. He was alone, (snip)

Yes

Well, for the first time in a while, it was voice plus writing that got me to turn the page. The tension here, for me, was wondering where this conversation about pastures, etc. would go. The characters are fun and interesting, and there’s that voice that promises wit and fun. I loved “God’s greenest pasture,” which was nicely paid off on the next page when Lora says,

“God’s pasture could use a little mowin’ sometimes, Ma, that’s all I’m saying. It looks more like a jungle down there.”

I would, however, trim the description a bit—the fluttering napkin could lose some words, I think—in order to get on the first page the part that I snipped off. It is this: He was alone, ...

disarmingly handsome, and obviously enjoying eavesdropping on this conversation of crazy.

That addition adds a needed story question or two—how will she handle being listened to, will the man enter the picture? Nice work.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey