Flogging the Quill

Flogometer for Melissa--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

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Melissa has sent chapter 1 of her work in progress.

September, 1943

Where was that gosh-darn flag pin? Celia frantically rummaged through her jewelry box, already fearing the disapproving stares and outright disdain of everyone around the table tonight if she showed up without it. Wouldn’t that be a great way to start off the board meeting!

“Don’t panic, don’t panic,” Celia chanted, screwing in her pearl earrings as she hurried downstairs. Surely the exciting news she had to share with them would override any questions about her patriotism. But that was wishful thinking. They’d zero in on her missing accessory like a Spitfire on a Messerschmitt. 

She rushed into the museum’s kitchen and nearly collided with Jenni, eliciting a squeak and a quick move to save coffee grounds from spilling everywhere.

“Whoa. What’s the rush, honey?” Jenni asked with raised brows.

“I can’t find it.”

“Find what?”

“My flag pin.”

Jenni nodded toward the kitchen table. “It’s over there.”

Relief made Celia’s legs nearly buckle. “Oh, thank God.” She fastened the American flag pin to the lapel of her blue wool suit and straightened it. “Can you imagine what they’d say if I didn’t have it on?”

Almost

This is nicely written, and has an inviting voice. It’s a scene, and there is tension for the character. But for me the tension revolved around something for which I had no idea of the stakes if she fails. Will she be fired? Is she just neurotic about this? I guess the story questions weren’t compelling enough for me.

This appears to be a romance—later she meets a returned veteran next door. And there are revelations of town secrets brewing that has the people she works for worried. I’d try to get closer to that event—when the Board learns of the upcoming memoir by a town author. I think this narrative starts too soon in the story and spends too much time filling in background before getting to the good stuff. Keep at it, lots of potential here. Notes:

September, 1943

Where was that gosh-darn flag pin? Celia frantically rummaged through her jewelry box, already fearing the disapproving stares and outright disdain of everyone around the table tonight if she showed up without it. Wouldn’t that be a great way to start off the board meeting! Go for a stronger verb rather than using an adverb in “frantically rummaged.” How about “ransacked?”

“Don’t panic, don’t panic,” Celia chanted, screwing in her pearl earrings as she hurried downstairs. Surely the exciting news she had to share with them would override any questions about her patriotism. But that was wishful thinking. They’d zero in on her missing accessory like a Spitfire on a Messerschmitt.  Her earrings screw in? They’re not clip-on, which is what I remember my mother using way back when?

She rushed into the museum’s kitchen and nearly collided with Jenni, eliciting a squeak and a quick move to save coffee grounds from spilling everywhere.

“Whoa. What’s the rush, honey?” Jenni asked with raised brows. Another “did with” usage—in this case, she used her raised eyebrows to ask the question. Suggest greater clarity with something such as: Jenni raised her brows and said, “Whoa. What’s the rush, honey?”

“I can’t find it.”

“Find what?”

“My flag pin.”

Jenni nodded toward the kitchen table. “It’s over there.”

Relief made Celia’s legs nearly buckle. “Oh, thank God.” She fastened the American flag pin to the lapel of her blue wool suit and straightened it. “Can you imagine what they’d say if I didn’t have it on?” While she’s clearly terrorized, it would be a good idea to have some feeling for the consequences of not wearing the pin.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

A shout-out for Write on the River

This Saturday I had the pleasure of doing my Killer Description and Dialogue workshop with the Write on the River group in Wenatchee, Washington--a lovely town on the east slope of the Cascades.

The writers there range from beginning to published pros, and they were sharp and talented folks. It was a real pleasure to work with them. I urge writers in eastern Washington to get in touch.

They also put on a writers conference in mid-May. By all reports, it's a good one. I'll be applying to do my Killer First Page workshop there next year--wish me luck.

Wordstock in Portland Oct 13 & 14

I'll be presenting my novel, The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles, at Wordstock on Saturday, October 13, 2012 4:00pm - 5:00pm @ Work for Art Stage (OCC, Room D-134). Normally two writers share an hour, but for some reason I have the whole hour. It's going to be very interesting to me to find out what I'm going to do for an hour--unfortunately, my tap-dancing lessons are very deep in the remote past. If you're there, please come by to say hi.

And I'm doing my Killer First Page workshop Saturday, 12:00pm - 1:15pm @ Minuteman Press Team Writer's Workshop Stage A (OCC, Room D-139)

I'm also on a panel of blogging authors, Sunday, October 14, 2012 1:00pm - 2:00pm @ Work for Art Stage (OCC, Room D-134).

I'll be busy, but there's nothing more fun than talking about writing and helping others along the learning curve.

Now you see why I call this blog "Flogging the Quill."

For what it's worth,

Ray

Flogometer for Tricia--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Tricia has sent chapter 1 of Death of a Small Town Gossip

Adelaide pounded on the door. Her puffy white hair jiggled as she knocked. The hair gave away her age. Though 75 years old she could easily live another 30, which annoyed almost everyone in Brent Falls. Adelaide thought her only shortcoming was gossip, and she delighted in the sin.

"What's wrong with people?" she muttered. "Why does it take so long to open the door?"

Clarissa looked out the peephole and sighed. She would've preferred to see almost anyone else. She glanced around the front room. It could be cleaner, but most people could probably say that about their houses. The problem? Adelaide kept her house pristine; everything had a place and one place only. Before Adelaide could knock again, Clarissa opened the door just wide enough to stick her head out. "Hi, Adelaide. What can I do for you?"

"First of all you can invite me in."

"Now's not a good time. My son has the stomach flu; we were up all night." He'd finally fallen asleep about an hour ago. All Clarissa wanted was a nap. "Besides, my house is a bit messy, and..."

"Oh, nonsense. Don't worry about a little mess." Adelaide pushed the door open and walked right in. "A few things out of place never bothered me." She surveyed the room, noticing every bit of clutter and dust: the newspaper spread out on the couch, an empty cereal bowl and (snip)

Nope

Basically, for me there were no story questions sufficient for a page-turn. What Adelaide might want just didn’t do it. On a later page Adelaide accuses—falsely—Clarissa’s grade-school son of shoplifting. That, on this page, would have gotten a page turn.

The opening paragraphs seem to give us Adelaide as the protagonist, but that quickly switches to Clarissa in the first head-hop (Clarissa couldn’t hear Adelaide’s muttering from inside). The Clarissa character is sympathetic, but the rest of the chapter focused on Adelaide and was mostly talk. Head-hopping kept popping up, which always bothers me.

The title suggests that there was a murder in the story, but there’s no hint of it anywhere in this chapter. If that’s the case, I’d sure try to start somewhere near there. Remember to start with story and you’ll have a better shot at keeping a reader involved. Clearly, you can write—now focus on storytelling and get us into a scene with fraught with meaningful things happening.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Melody--would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Melody has sent chapter 1 of Dream Realm

I crouched on the cold linoleum floor in the dark, listening to the footsteps squeaking past in the hallway.

“Robin, get up.” Daisy nudged me with her foot, giggling. “No one can see us.”

“How do you know?” I stood slowly. “I don’t want my mom to catch us here.”

“Come on.” She led the way through the room. I let my fingers glide across the icy metal tables, feeling for the corners to guide me, holding my breath. A loud clatter made me drop to the floor. Daisy had knocked over a glass beaker.

“Oops.”

“I thought you were the graceful one?”

We reached the door and knelt on opposite sides of it. Light shone under the crack, and noise erupted around the edges of the doorframe. Shouting. I could hear Mom’s voice but recognized none of the men’s.

“The investigation was inconclusive! No one is going to agree to risk lives based on a biased, haphazard—”

“What are they arguing about?” Daisy whispered.

“Shhh.” I pressed my ear against the wall.

Mom was stammering. “Robin—she’s only fourteen. She isn’t a project to me. These (snip)

Nope

This has good things going for it—an immediate scene, conflict (though overheard), solid writing. But I wasn’t engaged, and I think it’s because it’s all mystery with nothing to connect with, and no stakes. Essentially, nothing is happening to the protagonist here. She’s not involved in the action, and the story isn’t involved with her.

The rest of the chapter was much the same. Lots of hints and mystery about something about the girls—but no hint of what it actually is. I think that this story is starting way too soon. We don’t need a chapter of exposition—start with whatever happens to the girls and weave in whatever world is necessary. Notes:

I crouched on the cold linoleum floor in the dark, listening to the footsteps squeaking past in the hallway.

“Robin, get up.” Daisy nudged me with her foot, giggling. “No one can see us.”

“How do you know?” I stood slowly. “I don’t want my mom to catch us here.”

“Come on.” She led the way through the room. I let my fingers glide across the icy metal tables, feeling for the corners to guide me, holding my breath. A loud clatter made me drop to the floor. Daisy had knocked over a glass beaker. I liked how the description of the tables led me to imagine the room they’re in instead of just telling me.

“Oops.”

“I thought you were the graceful one?”

We reached the door and knelt beside on opposite sides of it. Light shone under the crack, and noise erupted around the edges of the doorframe. Shouting. I could hear Mom’s voice but recognized none of the men’s. I think that this-- noise erupted around the edges of the doorframe—is a bunch of overwriting. Erupting around edges? Keep it simple. Thoughtstarter: We reached the door and knelt beside it. I could hear Mom shouting but recognized none of the men’s voices.

“The investigation was inconclusive! No one is going to agree to risk lives based on a biased, haphazard—”

“What are they arguing about?” Daisy whispered.

“Shhh.” I pressed my ear against the wall. Why would she have to do this? She’s heard everything just fine so far.

Mom stammered, was stammering. “Robin—she’s only fourteen. She isn’t a project to me. These (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Please give your opinion on a title for this book

An editing client has asked for help on titles for his nonfiction book. The original working title is Prostitution: How the world's oldest profession thrives in today's marketplace. As he says, it accurately conveys the content but lacks pizzazz.

I often help clients out with this and suggested some things to him. He’s come up with a combination of his thinking and mine and has some titles for you to try on for size.

Here’s the working blurb for his book (to be an ebook only):

Whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned pimp of yesteryear? Why are Japanese prostitutes so picky? Is it true that most prostitutes were sexually abused as teenagers? What is the business model for America's most successful prostitutes?

This fun, fact-filled book looks at sex for sale - the business of prostitution. From Japan to Bangladesh, from Thailand to the internet, find out how prostitutes make money today.

Please review the titles in the poll below and choose the one you like best or “None of these works for me.”

If you have any input on the titles or suggestions for alternatives, please use comments to share.

And many thanks for your help.

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Bill --would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Bill has sent a rewrite of his opening for Numbered  

Karen's family and my family are tight. Still, it was obvious her Mom was nervous having me about. She was polite, maybe overly so, but hovered, making excuses to pop in, so she could keep an eye on us, hear what we were saying.

Karen and I moved to the shade of the giant cottonwood in her front yard. "Sorry about that, Jacob," she said. "You're kind of a local celebrity."

"Local celebrity like Crazy Train Track Gary?"

"Yeah, like that." She smiled. "Mom's just nervous."

"I know. It's all right. You think she's watching out the window?"

"Maybe . . . probably. I told her you're better."

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt a little bit to hear Karen say I was better, as if there was a point when I was psycho, but now had recovered. I don't expect everyone to understand, but Karen of all people should. She's the one who figured out how to capture the voices on her cell phone, actual documentation that I wasn't nuts, not entirely anyway. But I guess it gets complicated when your best friend's been accused of murder, so I'll let it slide.

"Yeah, I'm better, Karen," I lied. It was easier not get in to it. The curtains from the second story window moved an inch or so and I knew I was right about feeling watched.

Yes.

Good writing, an immediate scene, and good story questions raise—what are the voices? Who has been accused of murder? How will Jacob handle being thought of as crazy or dangerous? We can assume that Jacob will be involved with both. Nice work. Notes:

Karen's family and my family are were tight. Still, it was obvious her Mom was nervous having me about. She was polite, maybe overly so, but hovered, making excuses to pop in so she could keep an eye on us, hear what we were saying.

Karen and I moved to the shade of the giant cottonwood in her front yard. "Sorry about that, Jacob," she said. "You're kind of a local celebrity."

"Local celebrity like Like Crazy Train Track Gary?" No need for the repetition.

"Yeah, like that." She smiled. "Mom's just nervous."

"I know. It's all right. You think she's watching out the window?"

"Maybe . . . probably. I told her you're better."

I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt a little bit to hear Karen say I was better, as if there was a point when I was psycho, but now had recovered. I don't didn’t expect everyone to understand, but Karen of all people should. She's She was the one who figured out how to capture the voices on her cell phone, actual documentation that I wasn't nuts, not entirely, anyway. But I guess it gets complicated when your best friend's been accused of murder, so I'll I let it slide.

"Yeah, I'm better, Karen," I lied. It was easier not get in to into it. The curtains from the second story window moved an inch or so and I knew I was right about feeling watched.

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Tricia --would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Tricia has sent the first chapter of Peasant Scribe

Jeremiah dumped the last batch of hawthorn branches into the vat. Boiling water splashed out, burning his hands and sizzling in the flames. Filling the vat had taken over an hour. Oh, how he hated making ink.

The boy wiped his sweaty face on his not-so-white tunic. I don't deserve this! This was a job for a servant, not a scribe. Although this was the easiest punishment Master Sandul had ever given him, it was hard to feel gratitude for someone he despised. Besides, none of the other apprentice scribes ever had extra chores or punishments.

After a bit, Jeremiah took out all the branches. Smoke stung his eyes. The apprentice decided to sneak off for a nap while the mixture boiled down. Hiding out in his room was one of the only ways he could rebel and get away with it.

He walked back to the school. At the edge of the glade the scribe stopped in awe of what he saw. There was a four-horned warhorse in front of the school. It shook its shaggy gray head and tried to throw the rider. A muzzle restrained the large fangs that extended past the horse's lower jaw. Jeremiah crouched behind a bush when he noticed the rider was talking with Master Sandul and Master Daleth.

Sandul smacked a yellowed stone column, making his large frame jiggle. "Gagan faked the invitations?"

Nope.

This is an interesting world—I liked how the detail of the horned and fanged “horse” let me know about the world in an intriguing way. And there’s some good writing. But the scene doesn’t have much in the way of tension for me—not much in compelling story questions come up. A young person resents the work he’s required to do, and then someone is upset about faked invitations—doesn’t seem like much of a problem for anyone so far.

It’s a tough assignment, to make a first page compelling and include a character and enough about the world to understand, I know. I’ve written here before about how, after a critique partner’s insight, I tossed the first two chapters of a novel and started the story with chapter three, weaving in just enough of the world and backstory for the reader to experience what the character was experiencing. I think Tricia needs to think along those lines—what’s the essential moment when our hero becomes embroiled in events that can cause him trouble? Start very near there and get the reader involved with what the character needs to do to stop trouble from happening to him. Notes:

Jeremiah dumped the last batch of hawthorn branches into the vat. Boiling water splashed out, burning his hands and sizzling in the flames. Filling the vat had taken over an hour. Oh, how he hated making ink. If making ink is vital to the story, okay. But it’s not, other than to help describe a character. Have him doing something that relates to the story.

The boy wiped his sweaty face on his not-so-white tunic. I don't deserve this! This was a job for a servant, not a scribe. Although this was the easiest punishment Master Sandul had ever given him, it was hard to feel gratitude for someone he despised. Besides, none of the other apprentice scribes ever had extra chores or punishments. Yes, there’s conflict here, but it doesn’t seem important.

After a bit, Jeremiah took out all the branches. Smoke stung his eyes. The apprentice decided to sneak off for a nap while the mixture boiled down. Hiding out in his room was one of the only ways he could rebel and get away with it. Here the narrative dawdles a bit. And it makes the boy seem more like a slacker than someone we want to root for.

He walked back to the school. At the edge of the glade the scribe stopped in awe of what he saw. There was a four-horned warhorse in front of the school. It shook its shaggy gray head and tried to throw the rider. A muzzle restrained the large fangs that extended past the horse's lower jaw. Jeremiah crouched behind a bush when he noticed the rider was talking with Master Sandul and Master Daleth.  Love the horse, but this is such a coincidental happening and not caused by something the boy does other than sneaking off for a nap. “Large” is a relative term and not needed here because the narrative shows how big the fangs are. However, how can a muzzle “restrain” fangs? Doesn’t a muzzle keep an animal from opening its mouth?

Sandul smacked a yellowed stone column, making his large frame jiggle. "Gagan faked the invitations?" “Making his large frame jiggle” is, to my mind, not crisp description. And “frame” refers to one’s skeleton, doesn’t it?  It’s a bit of telling, not showing. Thoughtstarter: Sandul’s fat belly jiggled when he smacked a stone column. “Gagan faked the invitations?”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Some business, then some fun

Business:

For folks in the Northwest, my appearance schedule at the Wordstock Festival in Portland, Oregon, is now finalized. If you’re there, it would be great to meet you.

Workshop: How to Craft a Killer First Page, 12:00 p.m. Sunday the 13^th, Minuteman Press Team Writer’s Workshop Stage A, Room D-139

Reading/presentation: The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles 4:00 p.m. Saturday the 13^th, Work for Art Stage, Room D-134

Panel: Author as Blogger, 1:00 p.m. Sunday the 14^th, Work for Art Stage, Room D-134

Now for the fun

My son Dan has been directing after-school daycare programs for grade-school kids for the last couple of years, and now and then he creates a monster and a poem to go with it. I’m going to share some of his work with you on Mondays. If you have access to a grade-school kid, it might be interesting to see what they think.

Common Zeebus

If you meet a Zeebus,

Don’t worry, he’s sweet.

But if you meet a Zeebus,

Watch out for his feet!

Ray

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© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for Rob --would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

Rob has sent the first chapter of S.O.G., The Book of Log.

Saturday December 25, 2012

Jonah 1:17

The sun peaked over the leafless mountain bringing with it unwelcome light. Movement started with two Lab-Dalmatian mixed puppies who believed that today was like any other in their collective memory. Today was the chosen day to celebrate their 2^nd year of life. It was selected because no one ever missed Christmas and the dogs could have the honor of sharing their birthday with Jesus. The Christmas tree downstairs was unlit while the presents were destined to remain wrapped, never to become toys to a child. It should have been the liveliest day of the year in the Norris’ home but all the joy had been stolen replaced by cold empty grief that was a perfect reflection of the Master’s soul.

Two days earlier, the national spotlight descended on Huntington, West Virginia to witness the event of the year. This gathering brought everybody who was anybody to the second largest city in the Mountain State. Ripe with intrigue and emotion, the sycophants pretended to pay their respects to Gloria Norris and her three children while anointing the newest hero into the national lexicon. In reality this is where the attention of the media was focused and like a mosquito to an open bag of plasma, it quickly turned into a perverted orgy.

Edward Paul Norris wanted a small private ceremony to celebrate his family and (snip)

Nope

I found this to be confusing. There’s so much information that doesn’t flow well for me. We start with puppies, but that becomes about grief, and I have no idea who the Master is. Then a mini-flashback of exposition that alludes to things that, while there is attitude, aren’t clear as to cause. And “perverted orgy?” Of what? The narrative is mostly exposition and backstory, and nothing much is happening. There are writing craft issues, too, which I’ll point out.

I think that there is a good story here—it seems that there has been another terrorist attack on the US. I think that the following excerpt from the last paragraph in the chapter would make a stronger opening.

“Mr. President, you need to leave me alone and rot in hell. I voted for you but don’t ever confuse that fact with the thought that I would ever cross the street to piss on your burning body. I am not your friend, I am not your subject, you missed your chance to help me, I have no respect for you and I will never again vote for you. If you ever speak about me or use my family’s death for your political gain, I will come to Washington and kill you. I am done with you and everyone like you, I hope you all die!”

Now that has me interested! Notes on the opening:

The sun peaked peeked over the leafless mountain, bringing with it unwelcome light. Movement started with two Lab-Dalmatian mixed puppies who believed that today was like any other in their collective memory. Today was the chosen day to celebrate their 2^nd second year of life. It was selected because no one ever missed Christmas and the dogs could have the honor of sharing their birthday with Jesus. The Christmas tree downstairs was unlit, and while the presents were destined to remain wrapped, never to become toys to a child. It should have been the liveliest day of the year in the Norris’ home, but all the joy had been stolen replaced by cold empty grief that was a perfect reflection of the Master’s soul. The description of the puppies—Lab-Dalmatian mixed—is overwriting, detail that doesn’t contribute to story. And how do puppies somehow understand that the presents are never to be unwrapped? What is this about?

Two days earlier, the national spotlight had descended on Huntington, West Virginia to witness the event of the year. This gathering brought everybody who was anybody to the second largest city in the Mountain State. Ripe with intrigue and emotion, the sycophants pretended to pay their respects to Gloria Norris and her three children while anointing the newest hero into the national lexicon. In reality, this is was where the attention of the media was focused, and, like a mosquito to an open bag of plasma, it quickly turned into a perverted orgy. What does Huntington being the second-largest city in the state have to do with anything? Overwriting. And I don't really understand what the last sentence is saying.

Edward Paul Norris had wanted a small private ceremony to celebrate his family and (snip)

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey

Flogometer for David --would you turn the page?

Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.

---

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.

A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.

Storytelling Checklist

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.

Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.

• Story questions
• Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
• Voice
• Clarity
• Scene-setting
• Character

---

David has sent the first chapter of Bubble Broker.

The retail office sits at the base of the pyramid of high finance. Ursa Minor's Boca Raton office occupied the third floor of a small office building with reflective windows along Military Trail. After cold calling several hundred senior citizens to gauge interest in the latest tax-free municipals, the junior retail brokers would break to an outside table at the Starbucks in the strip mall fronting the office. They tended to discuss the interminable calls and resultant frustrations of dealing with South Florida's hearing impaired retiree population.

“Huh, I can’t hear you.” cackled Samuel Zuckerman, the most established of the three junior brokers.

“I’m telling you he could understand me. He said exactly what I said after saying he couldn’t understand me. ” Joe Zanniri said.

“So your telling us that what’s his name. Oh, yeah. Mort Goldstein an eighty something year old attorney of great experience couldn’t understand the concept of municipal bonds.”

“Well I talked to him for fifteen minutes and he just kept repeating back to me what I said. Maybe it was Alzheimer’s.” Joe replied.

“Maybe it was south Florida.” Sam said. “Speaking of which are you going to get out of here and go to New York, like you’ve been saying since you started?”

Nope

For me, this was as tension-free as it gets. On the storytelling side, we’re not sure whose story this is, and there aren’t any story questions raised. There are some craft issues, too. But, just because this isn’t ready for prime time yet, there’s no reason to stop working on it. After reading the rest of the chapter, I think David is starting his story too early. David, start with the place where your protagonist encounters something that causes him trouble. Notes:

The retail office sits at the base of the pyramid of high finance. Ursa Minor's Boca Raton office occupied the third floor of a small office building with reflective windows along Military Trail. After cold-calling several hundred senior citizens to gauge interest in the latest tax-free municipals, the junior retail brokers would break to an outside table at the Starbucks in the strip mall fronting the office. They tended to discuss the interminable calls and resultant frustrations of dealing with South Florida's hearing-impaired retiree population. Lots of exposition slows the story. How important is it where the office is located and what does calling seniors have to do with story?  This is pretty much "telling," and the description would be stronger if given in the point of view of a character, which would also serve to let us know who the protagonist (at least of this scene) is.

“Huh, I can’t hear you.” cackled Samuel Zuckerman, the most established of the three junior brokers. A bit of “telling” here with the stuff about “most established.”

“I’m telling you he could understand me. He said exactly what I said after saying he couldn’t understand me. ” Joe Zanniri said.

“So your you’re telling us that what’s his name. Oh, yeah. Mort Goldstein, an eighty-something year old attorney of great experience, couldn’t understand the concept of municipal bonds.” The first part isn’t a sentence. It may reflect conversation, but it still needs to make sense.

“Well, I talked to him for fifteen minutes and he just kept repeating back to me what I said. Maybe it was Alzheimer’s.” Joe replied.

“Maybe it was south Florida.” Sam said. “Speaking of which, are you going to get out of here and go to New York, like you’ve been saying since you started?”

Comments, please?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
4. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
5. And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

© 2012 Ray Rhamey