Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Tricia has sent the first chapter of Peasant Scribe
Jeremiah dumped the last batch of hawthorn branches into the vat. Boiling water splashed out, burning his hands and sizzling in the flames. Filling the vat had taken over an hour. Oh, how he hated making ink.
The boy wiped his sweaty face on his not-so-white tunic. I don't deserve this! This was a job for a servant, not a scribe. Although this was the easiest punishment Master Sandul had ever given him, it was hard to feel gratitude for someone he despised. Besides, none of the other apprentice scribes ever had extra chores or punishments.
After a bit, Jeremiah took out all the branches. Smoke stung his eyes. The apprentice decided to sneak off for a nap while the mixture boiled down. Hiding out in his room was one of the only ways he could rebel and get away with it.
He walked back to the school. At the edge of the glade the scribe stopped in awe of what he saw. There was a four-horned warhorse in front of the school. It shook its shaggy gray head and tried to throw the rider. A muzzle restrained the large fangs that extended past the horse's lower jaw. Jeremiah crouched behind a bush when he noticed the rider was talking with Master Sandul and Master Daleth.
Sandul smacked a yellowed stone column, making his large frame jiggle. "Gagan faked the invitations?"
Nope.
This is an interesting world—I liked how the detail of the horned and fanged “horse” let me know about the world in an intriguing way. And there’s some good writing. But the scene doesn’t have much in the way of tension for me—not much in compelling story questions come up. A young person resents the work he’s required to do, and then someone is upset about faked invitations—doesn’t seem like much of a problem for anyone so far.
It’s a tough assignment, to make a first page compelling and include a character and enough about the world to understand, I know. I’ve written here before about how, after a critique partner’s insight, I tossed the first two chapters of a novel and started the story with chapter three, weaving in just enough of the world and backstory for the reader to experience what the character was experiencing. I think Tricia needs to think along those lines—what’s the essential moment when our hero becomes embroiled in events that can cause him trouble? Start very near there and get the reader involved with what the character needs to do to stop trouble from happening to him. Notes:
Jeremiah dumped the last batch of hawthorn branches into the vat. Boiling water splashed out, burning his hands and sizzling in the flames. Filling the vat had taken over an hour. Oh, how he hated making ink. If making ink is vital to the story, okay. But it’s not, other than to help describe a character. Have him doing something that relates to the story.
The boy wiped his sweaty face on his not-so-white tunic. I don't deserve this! This was a job for a servant, not a scribe. Although this was the easiest punishment Master Sandul had ever given him, it was hard to feel gratitude for someone he despised. Besides, none of the other apprentice scribes ever had extra chores or punishments. Yes, there’s conflict here, but it doesn’t seem important.
After a bit, Jeremiah took out all the branches. Smoke stung his eyes. The apprentice decided to sneak off for a nap while the mixture boiled down. Hiding out in his room was one of the only ways he could rebel and get away with it. Here the narrative dawdles a bit. And it makes the boy seem more like a slacker than someone we want to root for.
He walked back to the school. At the edge of the glade the scribe stopped in awe of what he saw. There was a four-horned warhorse in front of the school. It shook its shaggy gray head and tried to throw the rider. A muzzle restrained the large fangs that extended past the horse's lower jaw. Jeremiah crouched behind a bush when he noticed the rider was talking with Master Sandul and Master Daleth. Love the horse, but this is such a coincidental happening and not caused by something the boy does other than sneaking off for a nap. “Large” is a relative term and not needed here because the narrative shows how big the fangs are. However, how can a muzzle “restrain” fangs? Doesn’t a muzzle keep an animal from opening its mouth?
Sandul smacked a yellowed stone column, making his large frame jiggle. "Gagan faked the invitations?" “Making his large frame jiggle” is, to my mind, not crisp description. And “frame” refers to one’s skeleton, doesn’t it? It’s a bit of telling, not showing. Thoughtstarter: Sandul’s fat belly jiggled when he smacked a stone column. “Gagan faked the invitations?”
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey