Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Rob has sent the first chapter of S.O.G., The Book of Log.
Saturday December 25, 2012
Jonah 1:17
The sun peaked over the leafless mountain bringing with it unwelcome light. Movement started with two Lab-Dalmatian mixed puppies who believed that today was like any other in their collective memory. Today was the chosen day to celebrate their 2nd year of life. It was selected because no one ever missed Christmas and the dogs could have the honor of sharing their birthday with Jesus. The Christmas tree downstairs was unlit while the presents were destined to remain wrapped, never to become toys to a child. It should have been the liveliest day of the year in the Norris’ home but all the joy had been stolen replaced by cold empty grief that was a perfect reflection of the Master’s soul.
Two days earlier, the national spotlight descended on Huntington, West Virginia to witness the event of the year. This gathering brought everybody who was anybody to the second largest city in the Mountain State. Ripe with intrigue and emotion, the sycophants pretended to pay their respects to Gloria Norris and her three children while anointing the newest hero into the national lexicon. In reality this is where the attention of the media was focused and like a mosquito to an open bag of plasma, it quickly turned into a perverted orgy.
Edward Paul Norris wanted a small private ceremony to celebrate his family and (snip)
Nope
I found this to be confusing. There’s so much information that doesn’t flow well for me. We start with puppies, but that becomes about grief, and I have no idea who the Master is. Then a mini-flashback of exposition that alludes to things that, while there is attitude, aren’t clear as to cause. And “perverted orgy?” Of what? The narrative is mostly exposition and backstory, and nothing much is happening. There are writing craft issues, too, which I’ll point out.
I think that there is a good story here—it seems that there has been another terrorist attack on the US. I think that the following excerpt from the last paragraph in the chapter would make a stronger opening.
“Mr. President, you need to leave me alone and rot in hell. I voted for you but don’t ever confuse that fact with the thought that I would ever cross the street to piss on your burning body. I am not your friend, I am not your subject, you missed your chance to help me, I have no respect for you and I will never again vote for you. If you ever speak about me or use my family’s death for your political gain, I will come to Washington and kill you. I am done with you and everyone like you, I hope you all die!”
Now that has me interested! Notes on the opening:
The sun peaked peeked over the leafless mountain, bringing with it unwelcome light. Movement started with two Lab-Dalmatian mixed puppies who believed that today was like any other in their collective memory. Today was the chosen day to celebrate their 2nd second year of life. It was selected because no one ever missed Christmas and the dogs could have the honor of sharing their birthday with Jesus. The Christmas tree downstairs was unlit, and while the presents were destined to remain wrapped, never to become toys to a child. It should have been the liveliest day of the year in the Norris’ home, but all the joy had been stolen replaced by cold empty grief that was a perfect reflection of the Master’s soul. The description of the puppies—Lab-Dalmatian mixed—is overwriting, detail that doesn’t contribute to story. And how do puppies somehow understand that the presents are never to be unwrapped? What is this about?
Two days earlier, the national spotlight had descended on Huntington, West Virginia to witness the event of the year. This gathering brought everybody who was anybody to the second largest city in the Mountain State. Ripe with intrigue and emotion, the sycophants pretended to pay their respects to Gloria Norris and her three children while anointing the newest hero into the national lexicon. In reality, this is was where the attention of the media was focused, and, like a mosquito to an open bag of plasma, it quickly turned into a perverted orgy. What does Huntington being the second-largest city in the state have to do with anything? Overwriting. And I don't really understand what the last sentence is saying.
Edward Paul Norris had wanted a small private ceremony to celebrate his family and (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey