Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Melody has sent chapter 1 of Dream Realm
I crouched on the cold linoleum floor in the dark, listening to the footsteps squeaking past in the hallway.
“Robin, get up.” Daisy nudged me with her foot, giggling. “No one can see us.”
“How do you know?” I stood slowly. “I don’t want my mom to catch us here.”
“Come on.” She led the way through the room. I let my fingers glide across the icy metal tables, feeling for the corners to guide me, holding my breath. A loud clatter made me drop to the floor. Daisy had knocked over a glass beaker.
“Oops.”
“I thought you were the graceful one?”
We reached the door and knelt on opposite sides of it. Light shone under the crack, and noise erupted around the edges of the doorframe. Shouting. I could hear Mom’s voice but recognized none of the men’s.
“The investigation was inconclusive! No one is going to agree to risk lives based on a biased, haphazard—”
“What are they arguing about?” Daisy whispered.
“Shhh.” I pressed my ear against the wall.
Mom was stammering. “Robin—she’s only fourteen. She isn’t a project to me. These (snip)
Nope
This has good things going for it—an immediate scene, conflict (though overheard), solid writing. But I wasn’t engaged, and I think it’s because it’s all mystery with nothing to connect with, and no stakes. Essentially, nothing is happening to the protagonist here. She’s not involved in the action, and the story isn’t involved with her.
The rest of the chapter was much the same. Lots of hints and mystery about something about the girls—but no hint of what it actually is. I think that this story is starting way too soon. We don’t need a chapter of exposition—start with whatever happens to the girls and weave in whatever world is necessary. Notes:
I crouched on the cold linoleum floor in the dark, listening to the footsteps squeaking past in the hallway.
“Robin, get up.” Daisy nudged me with her foot, giggling. “No one can see us.”
“How do you know?” I stood slowly. “I don’t want my mom to catch us here.”
“Come on.” She led the way through the room. I let my fingers glide across the icy metal tables, feeling for the corners to guide me, holding my breath. A loud clatter made me drop to the floor. Daisy had knocked over a glass beaker. I liked how the description of the tables led me to imagine the room they’re in instead of just telling me.
“Oops.”
“I thought you were the graceful one?”
We reached the door and knelt beside on opposite sides of it. Light shone under the crack, and noise erupted around the edges of the doorframe. Shouting. I could hear Mom’s voice but recognized none of the men’s. I think that this-- noise erupted around the edges of the doorframe—is a bunch of overwriting. Erupting around edges? Keep it simple. Thoughtstarter: We reached the door and knelt beside it. I could hear Mom shouting but recognized none of the men’s voices.
“The investigation was inconclusive! No one is going to agree to risk lives based on a biased, haphazard—”
“What are they arguing about?” Daisy whispered.
“Shhh.” I pressed my ear against the wall. Why would she have to do this? She’s heard everything just fine so far.
Mom stammered, was stammering. “Robin—she’s only fourteen. She isn’t a project to me. These (snip)
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey