Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
David has sent the first chapter of Bubble Broker.
The retail office sits at the base of the pyramid of high finance. Ursa Minor's Boca Raton office occupied the third floor of a small office building with reflective windows along Military Trail. After cold calling several hundred senior citizens to gauge interest in the latest tax-free municipals, the junior retail brokers would break to an outside table at the Starbucks in the strip mall fronting the office. They tended to discuss the interminable calls and resultant frustrations of dealing with South Florida's hearing impaired retiree population.
“Huh, I can’t hear you.” cackled Samuel Zuckerman, the most established of the three junior brokers.
“I’m telling you he could understand me. He said exactly what I said after saying he couldn’t understand me. ” Joe Zanniri said.
“So your telling us that what’s his name. Oh, yeah. Mort Goldstein an eighty something year old attorney of great experience couldn’t understand the concept of municipal bonds.”
“Well I talked to him for fifteen minutes and he just kept repeating back to me what I said. Maybe it was Alzheimer’s.” Joe replied.
“Maybe it was south Florida.” Sam said. “Speaking of which are you going to get out of here and go to New York, like you’ve been saying since you started?”
Nope
For me, this was as tension-free as it gets. On the storytelling side, we’re not sure whose story this is, and there aren’t any story questions raised. There are some craft issues, too. But, just because this isn’t ready for prime time yet, there’s no reason to stop working on it. After reading the rest of the chapter, I think David is starting his story too early. David, start with the place where your protagonist encounters something that causes him trouble. Notes:
The retail office sits at the base of the pyramid of high
finance. Ursa Minor's Boca Raton office occupied the third floor of a small
office building with reflective windows along Military Trail. After cold-calling several hundred senior citizens to gauge interest in the latest
tax-free municipals, the junior retail brokers would break to an outside table
at the Starbucks in the strip mall fronting the office. They tended to discuss
the interminable calls and resultant frustrations of dealing with South
Florida's hearing-impaired retiree population. Lots of exposition slows the story. How important is it where the
office is located and what does calling seniors have to do with story? This is pretty much "telling," and the description would be stronger if given in the point of view of a character, which would also serve to let us know who the protagonist (at least of this scene) is.
“Huh, I can’t hear you.” cackled Samuel Zuckerman, the most established of the three junior brokers. A bit of “telling” here with the stuff about “most established.”
“I’m telling you he could understand me. He said exactly what I said after saying he couldn’t understand me. ” Joe Zanniri said.
“So your you’re telling us that what’s his name. Oh, yeah. Mort Goldstein, an eighty-something year old attorney of great experience, couldn’t understand the concept of municipal bonds.” The first part isn’t a sentence. It may reflect conversation, but it still needs to make sense.
“Well, I talked to him for fifteen minutes and he just kept repeating back to me what I said. Maybe it was Alzheimer’s.” Joe replied.
“Maybe it was south Florida.” Sam said. “Speaking of which, are you going to get out of here and go to New York, like you’ve been saying since you started?”
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey