Call for submissions: If you’d like a fresh look at your work, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
- Story questions
- Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
- Voice
- Clarity
- Scene-setting
- Character
Ennubi has sent the first chapter of The Wizard, Wench, and the Warrior.
Sighing, I wiped out the last of the porcelain beer mugs, hooked it on its shelf, and then checked the front door to the bar's common room to see if my daily dose of trouble had arrived.
Almost as if on cue, an all-too familiar baritone bellowed from just outside. “By Joeasa’s Balls, how I hate wizards, one and all!” Then the door flew open and slammed into the opposite wall. And there he stood, framed by the doorway in the late morning light: the greatest warrior of the East Wastes and greatest of the legendary Wyvern riders....
….or, as I knew him best: Rendev Ingratius, the town drunkard. For a man determined to drink himself to death with his son-in-law's blessing, he did certainly know how to make a grand entrance. Three or four of the other early-day regulars called out greetings to the walking relic, just as they always did.
I snorted. The old fools. Even if Rendev had ever been a hero, right now he was nothing more than a walking example of why adventurers needed real retirement plans. Marrying into money and security was great… but, what then?
Rendev offered me no answers, of course, instead hauling his bulk straight to the bar. Just as I always did, I greeted him with a smile and beer. It was so hard to keep my face straight. Let him think I was keeping a man with a big mouth and bigger money pouch happy. I could put up with him one more day, especially if it meant I got out of this town for good.
Yes
While there isn’t intense tension, the last line on the page, combined with an entertaining voice and a solid narrative that promises fun, I found myself wanting to read on. Voice can do a lot for a first page.
On the other hand, there could be improvements. If we could know for sure that the narrator is a woman, that would help. And if there were any stakes or consequences that could be mentioned if she doesn’t get out of town. In reading ahead, I learned things that might be included on the first page if the fun but extensive description of the scene were cut. Examples:
A wizard is about to come down the stairs and she hopes to provoke conflict between him and the old warrior. So the line about getting out of town could be enhanced with more information. For example: And I might, if my plan for stirring up a fight with the wizard works.
As for gender, there’s a line later that lets you know for sure that this is a woman and also characterizes her. It’s when she is talking to him, she narrates: I even “accidentally” brushed my breast against his bicep as I leaned in close to listen.
If that thought were brought up front, i.e. she does this when she serves his beer, I think that could be fun and make for a stronger character.
The writing is clean except for one clarity issue: the door slams into an “opposite” wall. The wall opposite the door? Across a room? Confusing.
Comments, please?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
- And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
© 2012 Ray Rhamey